Towel Heads

it's friday! yayayayyayayay!

so i got a bit of a slow start this morning because the bed was way too warm. checked in on atticus and he was meowing away behind a box in my office. it's like his not so secret hiding place. he had quite the adventurous night as the pillows and blankets were off the couch and on the floor, a candle was in the middle of the floor and his bed, which he still has yet to go in, was across the room from where it was the night before. i got into the shower and when i got out, had no idea what to wear, as usual, so that took a bit of time as well. atty seemed amused my the amount of shoes i have and tried, unsucessfully, to get into my closet. i can only imagine trying to get him out of there!

i finally made my way to work and got into a freezing space. the only way my area gets heat is if the ajoining conference room has its heat on. well, yesterday i went to turn the heat on to oh, about 71 and got yelled at by old complainer. it was ridiculous. she said i was waisting heat. okay, i can understand that the big room gets heated as well as my area, but come on. do you expect me to freeze everyday? oh, you do? fine. be a bitch. she then proceeded to give me a lecture on energy conservation. you would have thought that it the money to pay for the bill was coming out of her measly paycheck. then she told me she would report me to the facilities department if i touched the heat again. nice. so today, when i got in, i naturally walked over to turn on the heat, and the control box had been locked. by her. bitch! my space is about, oh, 50 degrees. it sucks. really bad. everyone else has heat in their offices and i am stuck without. it's lame. and i have been campaigning for a small space heater but have been told on numerous occasions that i can't have one. so i'm really ready for it to be warm outside. this is getting old. i'm mostly pissed because she locked me out of the damn box. it's not like i turn the heat up to 80! plus, since the heat is turned off at, like 5 pm, and it has been freezing overnight, you can only imagine how cold it is in here when i get in a 7 am. again, all i can say is, thank god it's friday.

evening musings

so my new little baby is finding his footing in the house. he's still a terrible scardy cat, but is getting beter. he's so funny when he poops in his litter box. he's so tiny in there. hahahaha i just heard him fart. i don't think i've ever heard a cat fart before. but lemme tell you, it stinks! better change the box soon. i just told him his poo stinks and he just sort of meowed at me. typical male. and he likes to meow when i stop paying attention to him, another tell tale sign he's male.

i missed going to a meeting tonight, again, because i was hanging out with atticus. well, and waiting for pizza to arrive. c and his buddy went hunting and came home with a big ol turkey so they were starving so i ordered dinner. the pizza hit the spot. it tastes so good when it hits the lips.

i am oh so tired of the rain. i'm waiting for it to be warm and sunny. on the news today they said that it has rained for 24 days this month so far, the most in history since 1904. we're not in seattle, and i missed it, right?

sunday we spring forward and on one hand, i'm looking forward to the days staying light longer, and on the other hand, i'm so not looking forward to getting up one hour earlier. now it will be like my alarm will go off at 4:30 am instead of 5:30 am, which is still so ungodly early. even though it is light outside now, it still does not help the fact that i have to get up that early. i do not want the worm. i want to sleep. damn my husband for getting to get to work whenever he wants. grrrr.

we have adopted a darling little kitty. He is very cute and very little. He's about 5 months old and only weighs about 5 pounds. He is in good health, has been fixed and has had all of his shots. And he has been litter box trained, which is really good. We adopted him yesterday from Pet's Lifeline, an animal shelter here in the Valley of the Moon.

His name is Atticus, Atty for short. Atty is a gray and black striped tabby cat with a white nose and white socks. He's very shy but is warming up to us.

Right now Atty is living in my office, but will gradually transition out to the garage. We hope to let him have free reign of the yard and garage and for little bits of time, the house. At night he will sleep inside, so that he won't get into trouble on the mean streets of the Valley of the Moon.

Atty has a little bell around his neck so that he won't be able to sneak up on the birds too much and C hopes he will be a good hunter to help him keep control of the gophers and other rodents that run around our property.

If I ever get completely into the technological age and get a digital camera, I'll send out a photo, but that might take awhile. But suffice it to say, he's already caught his Daddy's eye!

being nice to people just doesn't pay. or maybe i should rephrase that. being nice to weirdos doesn't pay. i always get into this trap where i'm nice to someone, especially a guy, and they take it a totally wrong way ~ like i'm hitting on them or something ~ which i'm clearly not. i'll say hello and have a small conversation with them one day, and the next, they become my best friend for life. i do nothing more with these people than i do with anyone else, yet it seems like i make them feel like they are the most special ~ and not in a short bus type of way ~ people in the world.

lestat is like that. and two other guys here at work are like that. now i have to totally avoid them at all costs. i hate doing that, but i have to make them understand that i don't mean anything but to be friendly. they are all introverts and are frightened of people so i make them feel accepted, i guess. now the two here at work will come and just hover around my work space several times a day. and they don't get it when i ignore them by working. and i know they're just harmless schmucks and they know that i'm married, but well, i'm over it. no more being nice. ha.

and then there's the old complainer. she got on my case this morning because i was eating at my desk ~a big no no. oh, and by eating, i mean a very small granola bar. yes. she got up in my grill about a small granola bar. oh and my cup of coffee. yes, she's still on my coffee. i told her that i drink the coffee even though i was told not to and she just shook her head at me. the topic of me drinking coffee has long since been mute with everyone else. she is in no shape or form a superior to me, although she makes herself feel that way and talks that way. i just ignore her. i feel bad for her in a way. she's in her mid 50's, looks like she's in her mid 60's and is still working a labor intensive job. sad.

i have already done most of my tasks for today and am trying to look busy. *sigh* i wish i didn't have to do that all the time. and i don't want just random busy work to occupy my time with either. but, at least i have a job and a paycheck. ho hum.

what a weekend. i'm drained. c and i got into it, again. i lost it on sunday. my cousin from germany was visiting. we had a 'typical' family dinner with c's family on saturday night.

friday i met with mr. fussypants and had a mini review ~ at my request~ and it was good and bad. i now have to report to another coworker because she wants to eventually take over his position and he thinks it would be good for both of us. i'm mixed about this because she is the one that screwed me over last week, but whatever. i'm over it. well, sort of. i swear, though. ever since i had those 4 days off, i have totally felt like a new person. i have this different sense of self and wellbeing. i am much more clear headed. especially at work. i have especially been proud of myself for not snapping at the lame people i work with these past few days. especially when fng asked me to make copies for her this morning (so not my job to be her secretary) and i said i would, then told her i would show her how to use the copy machine so that she could do it herself as well.

it was great to see my cousin as it's been a long time. he came bearing a delicious cake...chocolate and banana that his mom had made. we devoured it. it tastes so good when it hits the lips.

c went hunting all weekend so he was exhausted, so naturally, he took out his mood on me. and boy was he angry and snippy with me. it was horrible. he was such an ass. he made me cry, several times, and i am so not a crier. and i even cried in front of my cousin, which wasn't so great, but well, it happens. hell, i even cried in front of the folks at petco. ah...petco. what a delima that was. my cousin and i went to petco to get fish stuff when i discovered the most darling little pet. a little calico guinney pig. i fell in love, bought it, brought it home and well, less than 30 minutes later, i had to take the little fellow back. it was a nightmare.

well, today is a new day so hopefully things will be better. at least i had a little pet for a few minutes yesterday...

so today at work i was asked to print out a menu for a group on property. an easy task, you may think. not when the client has given you their take on how the menu should read. for what i had to work with, read the text below. oh, and we also had a complete dinner menu to go along with this ~ this was just the client's interpretation of our menu, not the actual menu itself. this is also exactly how i received their document ~ spelling and grammar errors included. oh, and the client is very high profile. i could not deal with how they had written things, so i asked mr. fussypants if i could edit it. he said i could clean up the grammar, but nothing else. well, i made a few changes but didn't really say anything on the contrary. here are the two versions. you decide which is better.

Wines Selections and wine Stations:

Audelssa Estate ,Sonoma Mountain Terraces, 2000 Vintage:
The wine is soft ripe and supple displaying a nice dried fruit and leather and cocoa character . In the palate the wine showcases a medium to full texture and a lingering finish; This wine will compliment the passed Hors D’Eouvres: The vintage has allowed the fruit to integrate nicely with the tannins .

Station #1
Arrowood Viognier; Medium textured and fruity with a floral aromatic profile;
This is a quintessential Sonoma County Viognier that is versatile with white meat such as chicken or vegetables and salads , such as we have at this station.

Station #2
Over here the BBQ oysters and the prawns will be well complemented by the fruity texture of the Viognier. The sweet and tangy interplay of the fig and the goat cheese will be enhanced with the floral aromatics of the Viognier.

Station #3
We have two wines for this Chef’s station;
We have Sojourn Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon, 2002 wt compliment the Sonoma Sausage and the Dry Jack Cheese.
And Unreleased Sojourn Cellars Sonoma Coast Pinot Noir, 2004.
This is to compliment the roasted mushrooms and pancetta course.

Station #4
With the Beef Tenderloin we’re pairing the Audelssa Estate 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon;
This wine is Medium texture with black and red currant fruit nuances . In the palate it is soft and quite elegant. A great match with the tenderness of the beef and the creamy Bearnaise Sauce.

Station #5 Dessert
With this assortment of fruity desserts and cheeses. We’re offering a fragrant and beautiful Late harvest Riesling from Arrowood Vineyards. This wine displays aspects of baked apple, orange peel and floral honey. This is a unique wine from the new World . It could easily rival the great Late Harvest Rieslings of Europe.

now, below is my rewrite for the menus.

Station # 1
Arrowood Viognier has a medium texture with a fruity and floral aromatic profile. This quintessential Sonoma County Viognier is as versatile with white meat as it is with vegetables and salads.

Station # 2

BBQ oysters and prawns will be well complimented by the fruity texture of the Viognier. The sweet and tangy interplay of fig and goat cheese will be enhanced by the floral aromatics of the wine.

Station # 3

Sojourn Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon 2002 will compliment the Sonoma Sausage and the Vella Dry Jack Cheese. Previously unreleased Sojourn Cellars Sonoma Coast Pinot Noir 2004 will compliment the sautéed chanterelle mushrooms and pancetta.

Station # 4
Audelssa Estate 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon has a medium texture with black and red currant nuances. In the palate it is soft and quite elegant, which is a great match with the tenderness of the beef and the creaminess of the Béarnaise Sauce.

Station # 5
Arrowood Vineyards Late Harvest Riesling with aspects of baked apple, orange peel and floral honey, will compliment this assortment of fruity desserts and cheeses.


so i have this friend, who i call lestat, because like the blood sucking vampire in the ann rice's vampire chronicles, this friends just sucks the life out of me. anywho, i haven't talked to this friend in a little while and i talked to him yesterday.

ever since november, he has been convinced he will be getting a job in texas. he always thinks that because he wants something, he will get it. while this is a good thought, if you work hard enough, you can achieve anything, this is not how he thinks. he thinks just because he is who he is, he will get whatever he wants.

so anyhow, this job. i have been hearing about his job since november. it's now march and he hasn't gotten much further on the interview process. i mean, really. if you have a job opportunity and it doesn't pan out within in say a month or so, you're not getting the job. end of story. so i guess yesterday he had given up and accepted another job that he had on the 'back burner'. good idea, smart guy.

he has been a state employee since about '92 and will forever remain one. this new job he is taking is another state job. he just moves from place to place, getting bored about every few years. he now has had 4 different state jobs in the past 2 years. is that normal?

i just get so tired of talking to him about his job. he thinks he's so great because he knows all these people ~many of the same people i know~ but for some reason he has this 'better-than-you attitude. anyhow, i got sick of him quite a while ago and told him as much and he can't get it through his thick skull.

i put off talking to him as long as i can as he totally drains me and i constantly have to repeat myself of my reasons why i do certain things or why i won't go to visit him. he is really good at being condecending and rude. i am very glad i moved away from river city because he was very good at constantly calling me at work and on my cell. if i didn't answer one phone, he would call the other. my two coworkers and i came up with the name lestat since they had to listen to me with him. you would think he was stalking me or something, but he wasn't. we used to work together and he was much more normal then. but when he changed jobs a few years ago to one that gave him more management capabilities, he went nuts and his ego grew very large.

he just does not understand the fact that i do not like the person he has become and am sick of him. i have told him as much and he will always say he does not understand me so we go in a circle over and over again. yesterday was the same way. he's married with 2 kids and i just wonder how is family puts up with him. he knows i'm married ~he and his wife came to our wedding~but i think i'm one of his only friends or somthing.

i know he really doesn't have many friends and i can see why. yesterday he kept asking why i don't come see him for lunch or something, and when i told him that i'm not ready to go yet since that town still brings back bad memories for me, he just has no clue. i told him that since i did so much of my drinking there and didn't have many good experiences there, it's still too hard for me to go back. his response?

" well it's not like when you come back people are going to dump alcohol on your head". nice.

when i told him i was happy for him about his new job and that he wasn't moving to texas he said "what do you care? you don't come visit me". did i not just explain why? and i said as much. he has no comprehension of other people's feelings. i know i have rambled quite a bit about this, but, well, it drives me nuts. but, at least i don't have to talk to him for a while now.

wow. so i was just told by the hr department that i cannot have 2 sick days off in a row. so last week, when i was home sick with the stomach flu, i will have to take one of those days as a vacation day. that is crazy. the only way i can have both days as sick days is to have a doctor's note. well, i didn't go to the doctor because i knew i had the flu and the doctor wasn't going to tell me anything but stay home and rest. lame. oh well. at least i have vacation time accured. i wonder what would happen if i didn't...

i swear. this place will drive anyone crazy with all its lame rules and regulations.

oh, and someone just tried to get me in trouble because i'm not wearing stockings with my slacks. um...hello...that rule only applies if you're wearing a skirt. then, you have to wear stockings. not if you're wearing slacks that are past your ankles! grrr.


ohmigod. i just did something that i can't believe i did. this is really embarassing, but well, i have to share it. i just went to the bathroom (first solid action since wednesday afternoon!) and well, as i was washing my hands i noticed a small brown spot on my shirt cuff. ewww! and my shirt has just been dry cleaned and it's a shirt with cuff links so it's not like i can roll the sleeves up. so i had to stand there an scrub my shirt clean with hand soap. now i'm stuck with a wet cuff. ewww.

please tell me someone else has done this before. anyone? anyone at all?

well, i did it. today is 6 months without a drink. i can't believe it. after drinking daily for a good long while, it seems crazy that i haven't had a drop in 6 whole months. sure, i've had lot's of cravings, but i never succumbed to the pressure. i ate a lot of chocolate and always make sure i have some on hand. and i am learning to talk to people when times get tough. anywho, i'm pretty *happy* today about that. now if only i could conquer the rest of my deamons...ah, in time. in time.

and those 4 days off last week, even though i was home sick with the flu, did wonders for my mind at work. maybe those demons are quieting down....

i feel like me again! could be that i slept in until 10:45 am this morning. woohoo! i only get to do that when c is gone, which he was as he had to scout property for turkeys. yes, wife season will end in only 5 days. turkey season opens on saturday. we went on a date last night so all is well.

but i am most glad to be feeling good again. having the flu was no fun at all. i actually got up and made coffee, which is a very good sign.

and the weather is fantabulous outside. spring starts tomorrow and you can tell. clear blue sunny skies, wild mustard growing in the fields across the street and birds everywhere. c bought more bird feeders yesterday so now we have 7 hanging around the property and they are full of birds right now. it's great.

so i didn't end up going to seattle. sometime in the middle of the night on wednesday, my body decided it was time to get the stomach flu. and it was miserable. i'm just starting to feel like myself again and it's already saturday morning. i could barely move on thrusday, much more than running to the bathroom was a struggle. even laying in bed hurt.

yesterday was a bit better, but not by much. i made it to a meeting last night and was glad it only lasted an hour. i was finally able to eat last night, although not much. i haven't had coffee since wednesday and have had not desire for any yet so i know i'm not well all the way, yet.

so watching mtv last night i realized that i'm getting old because:

a. when they advertised spring break i realized that i don't know who ANY of the performers are
b. my first college spring break was 13 years ago
c. my bed time is 10 pm

okay, so i just talked to both c and my sponsor. c said something very good:

"i have a lot of problems in my life, most of them have been in my head" mark twain

this is so true. both c and my sponsor made me feel soo much better. they had me realize that
1. it is difficult to tell someone's intentions by just reading an email
2. the world does not revolve around me.

i feel so much better talking to both of them. i always think something bad is going to happen. i need to let go of that and realize that good things can happen to me, too.

i'm screwed

i'm fucked. totally fucked. just before i left work today i sent mr. fussypants and another manager an email saying that i had been completing a certain task and that it seemed like they didn't think i was doing the task. i offered to send an email to them each day when i complete the task. these were their responses:

I don't think an email is necessary. As long as you are doing your part to ensure they are as accurate as possible, that's all we ask. With that said, I think there have definitely been improvements so it seems to be working!

mr. fussypants:
Thanks Michele,
Let's setup our review next week and we can chat some more about this.

definitely not good. now i am totally freaking out by mr. fussypants. totally freaking out. earlier in the day i had asked him about having a review, as i have been there for a little over 7 months and need to know how i am doing. he said maybe sometime in the next few weeks. now his comment says next week? i guess i'm doing a shitty job. great.

fng update

so it's only fng's 3rd day here and she's acting like she's an old pro. she's already skipped out of orientation since she already knows the property like the back of her old, wrinkly hand.

"since i did, like, 5 tours of the property yesterday, i don't need to do another one today". she told me

um..okay..but everyone does a site differently, shows different things and it's only her third day on property. but whatever. she's already asked me questions about what i went over with her yesterday, so i see she's off to a good start.

way to listen fng, way to listen. also, way to read. oh, i mean, way to NOT read.

all she had to do was read part of a document to find her answer, which i showed her yesterday, but she obviously didn't listen to a word i said. typical.

but she didn't ask me again where to go smoke, so i see she's at least got that down.

she also loves to wear turtlneck sweaters, probablly to hide her waddle. in the four days i have seen her (her interview and the last three days) she has worn a different turtleneck each time. i wonder if she's like superman with a whole closet full of them. only time will tell. i can't wait.

she smells like a mix of old person and smoke all the time, too. wonder if she smokes pall malls. she also sits with a folded up tablecloth on her chair. um...why? i can't even bring myself to asking her that.

i'm glad i'm leaving tomorrow for a few days. my trip to seattle can't come soon enough!

fucker. i hate mr. fussypants. does he fucking need to micromanage my every move? stop talking down to me in your fucking little boy voice. it's almost worse than tweede dee's little girl voice. i swear.

i still have 45 minutes before i go home today and he has to be annoying and ask if i'm going to complete my tasks by the time i leave today. no, jackass, i'm not going to do anything else for the day. if you think i'm not doing my work, then tell me as much. don't dance around the fucking issue and pretend things are just hunky dory. i hate that more than anything. maybe i should be calling him mr. passive agressive, because he's really good at doing that as well.


heh heh heh

check this out. it's hilarious. just move the cursor around to see what's really happening...

if only...

if only i had a trunk monkey. i would send him to mc donald's to get me an egg mc muffin with hashbrowns. mmm...that would taste so good right now.

In honor of St. Patty's Day on Friday, here are some Irish sayings I found:

I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

A trout in the pot is better than a salmon in the sea.

A hair on the head is worth two in the brush.

Poverty waits at the gates of idleness.

If you want praise, die. If you want blame, marry.

Who gossips with you will gossip of you.

Lie down with dogs and you'll rise with fleas.

Melodious is the closed mouth.

Who keeps his tongue keeps his friends.

There's nothing so bad that it couldn't be worse.

Life is a strange lad.

If God sends you down a stony path, may he give you strong shoes.

And the best one:

May those who love us love us. And those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts. And if He doesn't turn their hearts, May he turn their ankles, So we'll know them by their limping.


one of my girlfriends just sent this to me in response to my previouse post:

may the forces be with you, young Jedi. Discouraged, do not get. Come to you, good things will.

Call me later, you will, if need be.

i love my friends. they make me smile when i don't want to.

i'm done

i want to quit. i want to quit right now. i have never hated a job so much as this one. i cannot believe i am saying that, as i really thought some other jobs i have had were much worse, but i speak the truth. i do not want to be here any more. i have had enough.


what a day it's already been. it was so cold when i got out of bed this morning that i almost froze my toes off when i walked on the kitchen floor. the ground outside was covered with a layer of frost so thick it looked like snow. my car was frozen solid. good thing i actually thought to start it about 15 minutes before i left the house this morning. it was nice and toasty when i got inside to head to work.

i hit all the green lights on the way in, which was great. i was only 2 minutes late by the time clock this morning. when i got to my desk, my little monthly friend arrived. hopefully she'll be gone by the time i go to seattle. i was off the pill this month as i forgot to start on time...anyhow, for some random reason i took my tote bag to work today, which i haven't done in about 2 months and it's a good thing i did as i had supplies in there that i didn't have in my handbag. so all in all, this morning started out okay. cold, but okay.

mr. fussypants came in around 8 am as fussy as ever. i figured he'd be in a good mood since he'd have new meat starting today, but i guess i was wrong. the new gal showed up around 9 am, i'll call, FNG for now. she's has already rubbed a few people the wrong way. i have no idea who okayed her hiring. she is an old know-it-all and there's nothing worse than that.

one of my other co-workers brought in a beta fish in a flower/fish bowl. his wife gave it to him as a valentine's day gift and he has decided to bring it into the office. everyone thought the fish was dead, but i explained that beta's tend to get frightened in new environments and that he was probably just scared. they all looked at me like crazy, but when i went up to the bowl, the little guy moved around, saying hello. since i seem to like the little fish, the bowl has ended up on my desk, which is fine by me. i like the little fellow. his name is rudy.

everyone of course has some random comment about little rudy, mostly how odd of a gift it is. i think it's a fun gift. i'd love a gift like that. i've told rudy that i have two beta's at home, pickles and relish.

i'm meeting with my new sponsor today at 4 pm. i haven't seen the other two for a good few months. obviously they've got their own things going on and should never have agreed to take me on as a sponsee. this new gal should work out just fine. she has 11 years of sobriety and works a pretty solid program. next tuesday, the 21st will be 6 months for me. as long as i can get through this upcoming weekend in seattle, all should be fine.

heh..fng just asked where to go smoke. i totally called that one the day i first met her.

eta: i forgot to add this little nugget the other day:

in the middle of the day, tweedle dee sat down in front of my desk and asked me, are you in aa?

i had no idea how to respond to her, so i ended up telling her the truth, that i am.

but then, the conversation went in a strange direction:

td: my dad's an alcoholic. well, i mean, he's sober now. he also did a lot of drugs. do you go to na?

me: um, no. i don't have a problem with drugs. just alcohol.

td: well, na is better than aa.

oh really? and you would know this, how?

td: see, aa only deals with alcohol, and na deals with addiction.

um, no, they both deal with addiction, they just deal with different substances

td: i went to alanon and alateen because of my dad. he's been sober for like, 15 years. but he's been in and out of treatment centers like, 10 times.

gee, i guess na really works for him, then.

me: that's great, tweedle dee

td: did you know that ritz is in aa?

i'm didn't know how to respond to that. i know that ritz is in aa, but hello, the second fucking word is anonymous. that means a secret. that means shut your big fat mouth, dumbass.

i tell her i know he is.

td: well, ritz and my dad knew each other before i met ritz.

that's really great for you.

td: you should really go to na.

then she got up and walked away.

i just don't get that girl.

i need to start going to the gym again. i haven't gone in 3 weeks and am totally feeling the effects of not going. i really want to start swimming again but it's still too cold outside. it snowed this weekend, so there's now way i am getting into the pool any time soon. i am such a wuss when it comes to getting in the pool, especially when it's freezing ass cold outside, even though i'll warm up once i get in and start moving. hopefully it'll warm up soon.

we had granny over for dinner tonight. i made a turkey. yup, like in thanksgiving turkey. my first one. it came out really good. i was quite impressed with myself, and still am. i had no recipe to go on, i just did what i thought sounded good, and luckily it worked out pretty well. my back is killing me right now for standing so long in the kitchen, though. i even had my clogs on, but they didn't do much for me.

i'm really not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. apparently we've hired someone new. i'm not fond of this gal, either. she's about 60 and talks like she smokes 3 packs a day. she also has a HUGE ego, which on one hand, will go right along with everyone else there, but on the other hand, will be annoying to deal with.

my major concern is not the fact that she will be sitting at my old desk, after the katrina refugee has left it empty, but that she will most likely get my phone extention. yeah, fucked up, i know. but that's the way that place operates. i sent an email to mr. fussypants this weekend to let him know what i thought of that and we'll just have to wait and see how he responds to me tomorrow.

i know he's seen the email since he seems just as addicted to his email as i am. hopefully he'll be in a good mood tomorrow as he'll have new meat. i'll no longer be the FNG, so i'm glad about that. i guess i haven't been the FNG for a while now though, since i've been there a little over 6 months now.

i'm leaving for seattle on thursday for a bachelorett party and cannot wait to get out of town. i'm taking the following monday off to recouperate. any time away from work is good time. heh heh. at least i have accrued vacation time now so i will get paid even though i won't be there.

i cannot wait for seattle. we're going to have so much fun.

flowergirl came over today and we hung out for a bit. it was great. it was cool to just chill and not spend money. i need to do that more. i can't wait for the weather to get nice so we can do stuff outside. our mini house is so tiny that 3 people is just about the maximum it can hold. we have a great yard, so we definitely can do some great things outside. c had a surprise party for me last year outside for my birthday and that was great. last night he was talking about having a summer bbq. i love that idea. and i love that he thought of it since he's usually anti-entertaining.

c is on this big sopranos kick right now. since we don't have hbo we've been getting the episodes on netflix. he listens to the show so damn loud. god forbid i ask him to turn it down. it's totally catch 22 for me. if i ask him to turn it down, he snaps at me for having 'sensitive ears', even though the volume is up to, oh, 30. if i close the door to either my office or the bedroom, i don't get any heat from our trusty propane wall heater. so, i either freeze in silence or am hearing tony soprano talk like he's in the warm toasty room with me.

since my back is still hurting me, i think i'll suck it up and go to bed, with the door closed. even though it'll be cold, it'll be silent. maybe i'll listen to my ipod and have sweet dreams of the bada bing...

one of the most valuable things that i have learned over the years is to just sit and be still. it is amazing how much you can learn by doing just so. especially at work. i've always managed to hold a position where others see me as the girl-who-doesn't-matter or the girl-who-won't-understand-what-we're-talking-about. people are so dumb sometimes.

i have really learned how to perfect the i'm-not-paying-attention-to-you look and that works quite well. it's really amazing the amount of things people are willing to talk about when they think no one else is listening.

just right now i overheard someone talking about a coworker who is in a serious depression, just sitting on the edge of his bed, rocking himself back and forth, with loud music blaring in the background. i guess he has been going downhill for a while and has recently received a few letters from his ex-wife.

so anyhow, these two coworkers were having this conversation right in front of me, like i wasn't even there. i was just working intently on a project at my desk so they figured i wasn't paying them any attention. sure, i wasn't looking at them, but my ears were sure listening. i feel awful for this guy, but it seems like he would be better without these two people gossiping about him and instead actually doing something to help him.

i guess they had just gone over to his house to check on him and he was a total wreck. one commented that the last time she had seen someone look so bad was right her mother right before she died. good god. if this guy is doing so poorly, then don't leave him alone, for god's sake! that's no comfort to someone that is in that much distress. especially since he is apparently hitting the bottle quite hard.

it has also been mentioned that he has battled an eating disorder for most of his life, that he had a bad divorce a few years ago and that he rarely sees his grown children. he also is quite scaterbrained and a few people have commented on that as well. what i don't understand either is how then when he is around at work, people are nice to his face but talk crap to his back. it's so double sided it's a joke.

it's so odd to me that people here think they are the only ones who know about certain things and that they feel the work environment is the appropriate place to discuss things like this.

of course it's none of my business so i am keeping out of it. i don't know this guy very well so it would definitely be odd for me to do anything. i just feel sad about the whole situation. things like this should not be talked about at work, or anywhere for that matter, where others can hear. i'm sure this guy wouldn't like to find out he was being talked about at work within earshot of others and his current situation.

people can just be so insensitive sometimes. then they wonder why rumors get started. i could easily pass on everything i just heard, embelish a bit and continue on their path, which is what happens around here all too often. it's so sad, really.

so yesterday, tweedle dee asked me to take a box over to one of her clients first thing in the morning today because she will be dealing with another client at the time. fine. no problem. although part of me wondered why she asked me rather than, oh, i don't know, someone who normally takes boxes from place to place, like someone in shipping.

but whatever. i say i'll do it.

so as soon as i get in this morning, some other gal, who i'll call grumpy because she is always complaining, walks over to me and said

" tweedle dee just called and said you'll be taking over the box this morning"

"um, yes, we talked about that yesterday"

i just walked in for god's sake. i still have my coat on.

she give me a wicked grin and walks away...right over to the room where i'm to take the box! and she couldn't take it...because...???

so i go to tweedle dee's office to get the box and realize that it's pretty heavy and very dirty. good thing i'm wearing a crisp white shirt and slacks! grumpy, who reminded me of my task is wearing black pants, a black shirt and a black windbreaker. nice.

so i go back and get my red coat, so at least my shirt won't get dirty, and grab the box. it's rather large, so it's a bit akward to carry. i make it over to the room, with grumpy watching the whole way. i ask her if she can please open the door for me and she has the audacity to say

" oh, is that box heavy? you should have used a cart."

um, right.

i get back to my desk, settle down with a cup of coffee in my cute cup ~that everyone makes cute comments there, person who told me i can't drink coffee at my desk because i'm in a 'public area'. humph. ~

oh, are you kidding me....tweedle dee JUST GOT HERE. she wasn't even with the other client yet this morning. she doesn't meet with the other client until for another 20 minutes.

i sure hope this isn't any indication of how my day is going to go...

i swear. i cannot get over what a bunch of idiots i work with. mr. fussypants is in his normal state of fussyness today, over nothing in particular, yet again. we have a rather large group in right now and they are only slightly demanding. nothing at all that is tough to handle. but you won't know it by the way he is acting.

he is going psycho, throwing tempertantrums and snapping at people right and left. you would think the world is coming to an end and he is instamental in making it stop from ending.

this isn't even a high profie group. just your regular, run-of-the-mill group. nothing special about them. sure, they've been here before. sure, there were some difficulties with them before, but nothing at all we can't handle in a normal, calm way.

mr. fussypants could never work at a state convention, that's for sure. he would freak out just getting there. what a nut job. he has no idea what a stressful, high pased working environment is. absolutely no idea. he wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes with my last boss.

the others who work here aren't much better. this morning i had to print something on cardstock, which i have to manually put in the top tray of the printer, therefore making the cardstock the only paper the printer will pull from at one time.

so, i let the other 3 people who i share a printer with know that i would be using the printer for the next few minutes and asked that they please hold off on any print jobs until i was finished. they all said sure. but did that happen? but of course not. that would have been too easy.

i was able to print 2 sheets of cardstock when all of a sudden....the printer was going and i didn't hit print. hm...was the printer just hungry for cardstock? nope. one of the smart people i had just asked not to print figured it was okay for them to print since they didn't need to use the carstock and figured the printer would just know to pull from the regular paper. what? no. that's not how these printers work. obviously i just talk to air any time i talk to them.

later, one of the clients asked for a sign directing peole to use another enterance to their meeting room. so, i went to the gal who prints signs and asked her to please print one. she gave me an evil glare, like i was taking away so much of her precious time and said

"we've never made a sign that says that before. who told you to make that sign?"

um...i just made it up. i thought it would be fun.

are you kidding? just make the friggen sign! it'll only take you a minute!

i told her the client asked for the sign so she finally made it, but very begrudgingly, and smirked at me when i was having trouble with the sign holder (they are made out of wrought iron and are pretty stiff). i think she's still pissed at me over the whole umbrella situation from last friday.

and it's not even noon yet...

an improvement

well today did manage to get better. i did absolutely nothing at work today, though. we have a very high maintenence client in but she was dealing with other people today so i was pretty much left alone, which was good, as i was in no mood to deal with her.

i didn't feel like doing any of my normal busy work so i left it all for tomorrow. nothing that i have on my plate right now is so time sensitive that it has to be done right away. besides, i need something to do tomorrow. my job is either busy, or it's not. right now it's not.

i did get to mull in my mood for the day, though. i do have some wonderful friends who made me feel quite nice throughout the day, so that was very good. when i get down on myself for not liking where i am in life, i have to remember my friends who care for me, regardless of anything. that makes me happy.

i had a nice chat with one of my co-oworkers today, too and she said i could call her if i wanted to hang out as well, which was a really nice offer. i'm looking forward to flowergirl stopping by tomorrow. hopefully she'll have some new flowers for me. i could use some happiness on my desk.

mr. fussypants took the day off today, which was so nice for me. i was in no mood to deal with him today. he has just gotten to be so fake it's silly. and see through.

c and i had a chat this evening and we cleared the air a little. i'm hopefully but i don't have all my hopes up yet either. he said i have to manage his expectations better and i told him that he has to talk to me better. he said i tell him that all the time and i told him he needs to listen to my words and actually take them into consideration instead of just letting them dance by him in the air and splat on the wall behind him like he normally does. but hey, at least it's a start.


i am in such a state of disarray.

every since c's actions on saturday, i cannot seem to get back to my normal way of being. i'm irritated with the world and everything that is going on with me. i hate the way he talks to me and acts towards me. but somehow, everytime i talk to him about it, he somehow manages to turn things around on me and make me feel like everything i am feeling is my fault. i just don't know how to explain it. he is so condesending to me that it drive me nuts. i call him on it, but he does it so often, that i just hold it in, and that's what kills me.

he's on my ass about everything and doesn't let me take my own time to do things. for instance, we clean the house every weekend. without fail. he takes care of the outside, the vaccuming, and the dusting inside. i take care of everything else in the house. without fail, every weekend, he gets on me about cleaning and am i going to do the laundry and am i going to the store because we are out of club soda and am i going to clean the toilet because it has butt cooties on it.

for god's sake.

i do all of that every weekend.

i don't need him on my ass reminding me of my chores. i tell him as much, but he just laughs at me. i hate it so much.

he also has the gift of noticing what i have not done, like mop the floor, instead of noticing what i have done, everything else. then he gets mean. 'so, you're not going to mop the floor again the weekend, huh'. um, no. i just haven't done it yet. grrrr. if it bothers him so much, i don't understand why he doesn't do it. i have told him as much, but that doesn't seem to get anywhere with him either.

he's also on this huge savings kick. yes, i understand we need to save in order to one day be able to afford to buy a house. get off my ass about it. he has no clue as to how much things actually cost. he wants my entire paycheck, or at least a majority of it, to go into savings. well, that's fine and all, but things come up all the time that we need extra money for, that i don't want to be pulling money out of savings for. like the credit card bill came the other day and i paid it out of my pay check. oh, well, that was fine for him...but the rest had to go into savings.

don't get me wrong. i totally understand saving. but he is such a nut about it. you have to live, too. i just hate how he talks to me and acts towards me. he is so friggen selfish. the world has to revolve around him.

if i'm sick, he still makes me feel like i need to take care of him. and when i won't, he calls me mean. he says he's kidding, but come on. enough is enough.

he's such a spoiled brat. his parents let him get away with so much. he'll never admit to any of that, but it's true.

i'm just so frustrated. and no, i'm not feeling sorry for myself, which is something he says i do all the time. being frustrated with a situation is so different than feeling sorry for oneself. i just don't know what to do.

now he's on this kick where he writes me a 'to do' list. i 5? he just sent me one via email. are you friggen kidding me? talk about micromanagement. it's not cute. whatsoever. i am always on top of things and know what needs to be done. i do not need anyone reminding me of my daily tasks. especially him.

rainy sunday

still in a funky mood. i'm not really over c's behavior from yesterday. i just don't understand how someone gets to be that way. now he's acting all sweet and loving to me. last night he did admit that he was acting childish, like a 5 year old. at least he realizes that.

it's stormy and cold outside. i don't want to do anything today but sit in my room and watch the rain trickle down the windows and the birds flit and float their way through the raindrops. one of the large trees in the front yard is begging go show signs of spring. the very tips of the branchs are starting to bud with green life. mustard is growing in the field across the street, in between long grasses where doves love to feast. the old wine boxes that have been planted with pansys whose happy faces are smiling out at the world, give the yard color and whimsy.

i want a kitty. i want cuddling and love. no talking back, no condecending meowing at me, just love and cuddling. maybe someday...hopefully soon.

how i'm feeling

depression. it's never a good thing. it comes on so suddenly for me. i hate how topsy turvy things can get. a girlfriend came up to visit. we had a great day, hanging out, shopping, having spa time...then c calls.

i told him she was staying the night and then asked if he'd like to come to dinner with us. he totally flipped out, saying she couldn't stay because he doesn't like house guests and that's just too much of an imposition. i mean, really. who is he kidding. she is one person, pretty low maintence and here to see me, not him. he would have no entertaining to do, he didn't even need to be around for anything. grrr! he can be so selfish sometimes.

i don't even have the right words to express how i felt and feel right now. i was baffled at his actions. he got all worked up and said he would stay somewhere else so my friend and i could have the house to ourselves. then he hung up on me. are we in jr. high? apparently he is.

when i called him back, i got his voicemail. my friend suggested that she stay with another friend in a nearby town. it just infuriates me that this happened. my friend said it was okay, that she understood. but i don't think it's okay and i do not understand his actions. this is not okay.

she and i left the house, went out for coffee, went to payless shoes and tower records and then off to dinner.

i'm so out of sorts about all of this. she left a little while ago, to head over to her other friend's house. we were supposed to spend the whole weekend together. she lives about 5 hours away, so i guess i won't see her until i visit her at some point. this whole situation sucks.

eta: did you know that tower records sells porn? i had no idea.


a freak just walked by. this gal, who has to be at least 60, just walked by in full make-up so horrific, with white hair styled in a blown out flock of seagul look, wearing a green full length velvet dress with a white lace collar. i shit you not. and she thinks she looks great. high fashion great.

and i thought i had seen pretty much everything...and she's here as part of a conference that's pretty conservative.

i though her get up yesterday was interesting, but today, definitely takes the cake. her make-up is so dark; dark smoky cat eyes, deep red lipstick, dark i wonder what time she had to get up to look like that.

and that dress. where on earth does one find something like that? witches-r-us? hell, even witches look better than that!!!

eta: she just walked by again. i didn't see the sequined handbag she carried with her the first time she walked by and the green pointed sparkle shoes...

fashion alert!

okay, so i haven't commented on the fashion victims here at work as of late, but today, i simply must.

tweedle dum, who is rather large but believes she is rather small, is wearing a khaki skirt with a white turtleneck and a burgandy granny sweater with bright flowers embroidered on it. but wait. there's more. she has on white tights which accentuate her blubbery thighs, yes, her skirt is that short, which she is wearing over her ancle brace. over? yes, over. it's just odd.

i don't really understand what look she is trying, very unsucessfully, to pull off. oh, and on here feet are black mary janes. um? does she own a mirror?

i know several girls that have a little more to love, and look darling everytime they get dressed, which tweedle dum never seems to be able to do. poor, dear.


so i am so excited. about a week ago flowergirl asked me to do a little bit of work for her on her website, writing her profile and whatnot. well...i just checked out her website and my words are there! it's so cool. i helped her write her service page, too. i feel so good. i knew i could do it, but have never been given the opportunity. *so happy*

my neck and shoulders are killing me right now. i must have over done it with the pressure i asked c to rub them with yesterday. my head is still aching, but has shifted from behind my eyes to on the right side of my head. ~lovely.

mr. fussypants sucks at dealing with people. he totally freaks out and gets his pantys in a huge bundle. he can't see anything and deal with it in a simple way, he practically hyperventilates making sure things go right, then blames everyone but himself for when things go wrong. it's sad, really. rarely is anything so bad that so much drama has to ensue each time he needs to do something for a client.

wow. he just totally came to me and freaked out. he cannot deal with people. granted, we work with a bunch of idiots, but he needs to realize that and not freak out when they do something wrong. heh. and the clients love me, so what do i care. :)

okay, i'm starving. time to see what kind of nibblets are out for lunch...

thursday thots

well lookie here. it's already thursday and i haven't written a bit since monday morning. to say i've been crazy this week is an understatement. it's been a bit of a rough week for me and i'm so glad that tomorrow is already friday.

around noon on tuesday i got a nifty headache that just wouldn't go away. paired with a nagging stomach ache from eating enitrely too much garlic the night before, i was a mess. i left work early and slept for about 3 hours in my comfy bed. i woke up not feeling much better. i really wanted to go to a 'living sober' meeting, but i was in no shape for that. wednesday i spent pretty much the whole day in bed.

my stomach ache went away, but the headache was always there. it kept moving around so as soon as i think it was gone, it would reapear somewhere else. c came home mid morning to check on me then came home around lunchtime bearing good treats to eat. at least i hadn't lost my appetite!

i didn't sleep so well last night. i kept tossing and turning. i'm at work right now and the day is going all right.

we have a large group on property and i'm really busy today, which i like. i just wish my head would stop throbbing. no amount of advil helps, either. coffee isn't working too much, nor are the cookies i've been munching on all morning.

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