skybluepink

i received this email this morning from my 'sponsor'. seriously, are you fucking kidding me? oh, gee. i guess i should never get upset, never let anything bother me and continue to keep everything that bothers me inside. ahh. wait. i used to do that and that lead me to drink all the time....

Good morning,

I HOPE by now that the anger and resentment you had on Friday has been prayed away. We ask God to remove our defects of character. Life doesn't go our way. But, I learned in AA that if there is something upsetting me, then I need to take a look at why. Step 4 teaches me how to take a look at our part and see what the anger and resentment effects. I learn that we need to take "blame" out of the situation.
That fact the you don't like the Hospital is your opinion and it shouldn't be expressed so harshly to others. The conversation with your doctor's office was full of anger and resentment. Think how you would have felt being at the receiving end of the phone conversation when you swore at the receptionist. That was not appropriate behavior. Step 10 says, when we were wrong to promptly admit it.
As it worked out, you now have a good doctor and will deliver the baby at the hospital you really wanted to from the beginning. That is when I say "thanks God".
After we complete the 12 steps, we commence to live them in our daily life. Now, go and have a grateful day!

xoxo

Well, I was hoping to send out delightful news today about my ultrasound results and what we are having, BUT, I received a phone call today saying there wasn't a tech available to do my ultrasound at the hospital ~ an appointment which I had schedule one month ago ~ and that the earliest they can get me in is in 3 weeks. Needless to say, I will not be rescheduling with the WORST HOSPITAL IN THE WORLD. I also called my doctor to see what my options are, and sadly, he only delivers at THE WORST HOSPITAL IN THE WORLD so I also need to find a new doctor today.

To say that I am upset is the understatement of the year. I am not sad, but very, very frustrated. Pissed, is more like it.

I will let you know as more develops....

UPDATE: my mil gave me the name of the doc that delivered both hubby and his brother. i have an appointment with him on monday. his office is next to a great hospital about 15 miles from home. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this goes well. unfortunately this appointment will be just a general one without a sonogram, but i'm hoping to have one soon. i'm sure this other hospital will have more than one tech on staff so it shouldn't be a problem....i hope.

i want to cry. i want to scream. but mostly, i want to curl up into a ball and hide under the covers with my cat.

i moved into a new office with my newish boss yesterday and to say it's been awful is a bit of an understatement. my other boss can no longer run interference since it's just me and the other guy in this tiny room. he's very condescending and is right about everything. he also loves to throw me ~ and others ~ under the bus. it's very tiring and annoying. and while i know i'm a smart girl, he has this uncanny way of making me feel like an idiot. i know it shouldn't stress me out, but it does. and since i can't take any of my meds, it really sucks even more. yes, i totally miss not being on lexapro and ativan. they help me an amazing amount and not being able to take them is really hard. i miss the sense of calm and wellbeing they bring me.

i do my best at dealing with my inner demons but sometimes it gets to be too much and i just want to run away from it all. but i know i can't. and i won't. i feel so alone. and tired. and often scared.

hubby doesn't understand so i don't bother trying to talk to him about how i'm feeling anymore. he always tells me i'm feeling sorry for myself, which i'm usually not. he has no understanding of depression and pretty much thinks i make it up whenever i'm saying i'm feeling down. for me, feeling down doesn't mean i'm feeling sorry for myself. it means a lot of things, but it's just too overwhelming at times. like right now.

brunch was a hit. there was no stress, no frustration, no bickering and best of all, no drunkenness.

my menu ~ bacon and potato frittata, mixed green salad with honey-orange dressing, asparagus, spring onion and mushroom saute, buttermilk-apricot scones, blackberry, peach and blueberry salad with a yummy dressing ~ was loved by everyone. this was especially exciting because hubby's family is REALLY picky. and it was the first time i had made any of the recipes, so i was stoked that everyone loved it all.

i had also gone to see's and picked up some extra easter treats for everyone, which were also gobble up quite quickly. i decided not to be extra fussy and used my every day dishes and serving platters instead of getting out the good stuff.

granny stayed behind to help with the dishes, which was much appreciated as we don't have a dishwasher and there were a TON to do.

after everyone left, hubby and i sat outside for a while and soaked up the beautiful sunshine. i'm even sunburned! we then took a long walk to work off our big meal. luckily we have leftovers, so i don't have to do a darn thing for dinner.

now if only i didn't have to go to work tomorrow...

obviously i'm in a very indecisive mood. i didn't get much sleep last night ~ for no reason at all, i just couldn't sleep ~ and i've been a bit of a wreck all day. i'm still in a weird fussy place and can't seem to shake it. i do hope it goes away soon as i'm really tired of feeling this way. at least it's one day closer to the weekend...

so should i keep this new background, or should i see what else is out there?

so i broke down this weekend and decided to treat myself to some goodies. first, i bought moisturizer, as recommended by gina. and i'm so glad i did. this stuff is amazing. it has a nice, light scent and has just the right consistancy. it blends in right away and makes my skin feel lovely.

i then decided to treat myself to some other goodies. now normally i'm a benefit gal with splashes of tarte, philosophy, mac and stila thrown in for good measure. this was my first venture into chanel for makeup ~ well except for a few bottles of nailpolish ~ and so far i love it!

this is the fun spring palate of eyeshadow colors and a new black mascara, which i really needed.

so i recently went from thinking no one was going to throw me a shower to 4 different people throwing me showers! a few weeks ago one of my bff's asked to throw me a shower at home in LA and over the weekend my mil said her friends would be throwing me a joint shower with another girl in july.

~ sidenote on this: my mil has a crazy group of friends called the gum's, which means generally unaceptable mothers. they are the mothers of all the kids that hubby grew up with, and are a group of women who were never told they are no longer sorority girls. to say they are a bit obnoxious is an understatement, especially since their biggest thrill in life is competing with each other. the joint shower is because another wife of one of hubby's friends is about 2 weeks behind me. ~

then today another bff asked if she can throw me a shower where i live (she lives a little over an hour away so we're going to have the shower at my house) and shortly after that a girl from work asked if she could throw me one, too. i really am feeling the love today, and it started out as such a crummy day...

it's really nice, too, because there will be totally different people at each shower and i'm so glad it worked out this way. i'm looking most forward to the ones my bff's are thowing me since all my close friends will be invited to those and since everyone lives somewhere other than where i live, it will be an extra special treat.

now i really need to get working on my registries!!

On your nightstand now: keeping faith by jodi picoult

Favorite book when you were a child: where the red fern grows by wilson rawls when i was real young then alice in wonderland by lewis carroll when i was a bit older and the flowers in the attic series by v.c. andrews when i hit about jr high.


Your top five authors: jodi picoult, mary karr, jhumpa lahiri, tom robbins, joyce carol oates


Book you’ve faked reading: a heartbreaking work of staggaring genius by dave eggers. i have picked it up time and time again, yet i just can't get through it.


Books you are an evangelist for: liar's club and cherry by mary karr


Book you’ve bought for the cover: the crimson petal and the white by michel faber. it just looked intriguing with the lush red velvet curtains pushed aside to reveal a disheveled white bed that had obviously just seen a scandolous romp. i was also drawn by the title and the magnitue of the book looked like something i could sink my teeth in.


Book that changed your life: skinny legs and all by tom robbins and the liar's club by mary karr


Favorite line from a book: "Be what you would seem to be -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." as said to alice by the dutchess in alice to wonderland by lewis carroll


Scene in a book that made you terrified of marriage: “I firmly believed that if I had picked up a rifle and gone on a murdering rampage, I would have still had the benefit of her unblinking love. Because I have rid her heart of its greatest malady. I had relieved her of the greatest fear of every Afghan mother: that no honorable khastegar would ask for her daughter’s hand. That her daughter would age alone, husband-less, childless. Every woman needed a husband. Even if he did silence the song in her.” from the kite runner by khaled hosseini


Book you most want to read again for the first time: the great gatsby by f. scott fitzgerald

after the wise one commented on the post below, i decided to heed his advice and listen to my favorite boys. since i didn't have any of their music with me at work, i decided to have a looksee at what i could find online and discovered rhapsody. omg. that is hands down the best music site evah! i am now rocking out to the best feel good music evah. my frustration, anger and general discomfort is slowly melting away. ahhhh.

and thanks to three of my girlfriends who helped keep me from drowning in helplessness today. two of them texted with me for quite a while and one met me for a coffee break. i have been having a tough time lately and feel like i'm just getting by. no real reason, just in a bit of a funk. feeling a bit low and unloved. i'm sure it's mostly in my head but i haven't been able to shake this feeling. i'm keeping my chin up and moving forward, though. but it sure nice to have people reach out just because. so, thanks, friends. i really do appreciate it.

mother " well, you know how jared's wife is pregnant?"

shell " yes."

mother " you don't know the whole story. you probably don't want to know. "

shell " um, yeah, i do. so tell me. "

mother "well they found out the child has down syndrome."

shell " oh no. that's just awful"

mother " that pregnancy needs to be terminated. i couldn't handle that. i don't know why she is insisting on keeping the pregnancy going. they already have one special needs child (jared has one from his first marriage) and that child shouldn't have lived this long. now they are going to bring another child into the world? that's just terrible."

sitting there, staring at my mother while being 4 1/2 months pregnant myself, i had no response.

okay, ladies. i need your help. i recently ran out of my moisturizer and have decided it's time to try something new (and the one i was using i got at the salon that i got that awful haircut at so i don't want to go back). but, i'm having a hard time finding one i like. i recently bought 'hope in jar' from philosophy, but i don't really like it. it smells funny and is a little too light for me. i then bought a basic moisturizer from oil of olay, but i'm not really into that one, either. i had creme de la mer for a while but it's so expensive and i know other brands will work just as well.

so can you help me out? what do you use/recommend?