One of my really good friends has recenty become involved as a volunteer camp counselor at Camp Hope California, a free weekend camp dedicated to helping young people who have recently experienced the loss of a parent or loved one.

Sadly, his dad died suddenly in 1979, when he was just 13 and about to enter high school. After his dad died, his longtime family friends took his family on a camping trip, with the idea of taking their minds off their recent loss. In talking to him he often will say that if it is a stretch to say that trip saved his life, it is not much of a stretch.

Recently there was an article in the Sacramento Bee (click to read the article) about this camp and my friend felt the need to go and take part in their program. He's told me that he instantly recognized the look on the brave young girl's face and decided to contact Camp Hope and see what he could do to help them. He will be attending their Spring camp in Livermore as a counselor during the first weekend in May.

Because he is such a great friend to me and because this is such a worthy cause, I would like to ask all of you who can do so to join me in helping support this very worthwhile cause by making a tax deductible contribution to Camp Hope.

Camp Hope is a 501c(3) nonprofit organization, and your tax deductible donations can be made out to Dan Hebert Camp Hope.

Checks can be mailed to Camp Hope at:

7441 Foothills Blvd. Suite 175 PMB 75
Roseville, CA 95747

or you can donate online via your paypal account or a credit card.

Thank you for anything you can give, even if it is just kind thoughts of hope for this to be a great weekend for all involved.

i had to get some more maternity clothes yesterday because i have already grown out of some of the stuff i bought two months ago. sigh. luckily there was stuff on sale at old navy so i didn't spend too much. and i found a consignment store in town that has gently used baby clothes, furniture and maternity clothes, so i picked up a few items there as well. i'm just over buying maternity clothes! i only have so many options and i have to look nice for work, so it's a bit challenging. i did get a cute black tshirt at the consignment shop that says 'due in august' on the front in pretty script. now if only i could wear that every day so people would stop asking.

i seemed to have popped overnight. one day i was barely showing, and now it's like 'hello, baby belly'! i sort of have a mini fort of pillows that i sleep with each night, much to hubby's chagrin. i totally baracade myself in for some sort of comfort, but he's a bit convinced i'm doing that so he can't touch me. perhaps i let him think that, but it really is for the comfort.

i have now also begun to waddle, which is bizarre to me. one day i was walking fine, now i sort of sway from side to side. today i have ankles, yesterday they had disappeared for a while. i'm constantly looking down to see where i'm at with them. it just makes me feel funny when they disappear on me. i know it's due to heat and water retention, but still.

i also notice that i spill stuff on myself way more often because there is way more sticking out. even when i wash my hands, i always seem to get water droplets on my top. but i guess the chocolate stain on my crisp white blouse was because i was a messy chocolate bar eater this morning and not anything else...

weekend update.

ah, the weekend. it started out crummy but then ened up being okay. friday was payday but my check was not what it was supposed to be due to much miscommunication in my department, so i wasn't paid for a good chunk of time. all would have been fine, except when i brought it to the attention of the gal in the payroll department, she told me that it would be best for me to wait until the next pay period to get the amount which was owed to me. when i told her i needed the money right away as i had rent to pay, she told me she didn't feel like cutting me a check because she wanted to go home ~ it was only 3 pm by that time ~ and would have the check ready for my by the end of the month. seriously? you can't mess with people's pay. does she not realize that it's against the law to do that? obviously not. so, i had to cancel some plans for the weekend as i was out of cash. and i was pissed.

saturday was uneventful as i stayed home since i didn't have any spending money. i did run errands, but that's about it. later that evening i got a call from my folks that they were in town and would be stopping by for a light lunch on sunday. um..really? thanks for the notice. so not only am i out of money, i now have to make lunch for them and two other people they had along with them. and hubby was off this weekend hunting so i had no help from him. i pulled something together ~ which turned out quite good if i do say so myself ~ and we sat outside as the weather was nice. hubby showed up about a half hour before they left so he didn't have to entertain them too much. i was annoyed that he was gone so long, which was completly intentional on his part as he knew they were coming and didn't want to be around them.

luckily, they left relatively early and after cleaning the kitchen, i took a much needed nap. sunday evening we went to a friend's house for dinner, which was nice. we were both exhausted by the time we got home and were in bed pretty early. i am now at the uncomfortable stage of my pregnancy, which is a bit annoying as i can't sit, stand or lie for any lenght of time without changing positions.

this morning hubby commented how my arms are getting bigger (and with added chunk) and that i needed to start excercizing. i totally lost it only him. he apologized. but i'm still annoyed. people keep telling me you get pampered and taken care of when you're pregnant. i'm now 6 months along and still waiting for that to happen.

some sass.

a conversation that just happened in my office with one cute boy and two others standing by:

cute boy: "you look like you're ready to pop"

me: "well, i have a few more months to go, but i'm definitely showing now"

cb: "you look like you've gained some weight" looks at my boobs.

me: "yeah, and in all the right places." as i touch my belly and my boobs.

yes, boys and girs, i am getting my sass back. whew. it's about time. i was fearing i had lost it.

because i haven't done one of these in a while and because i know lisa really likes them, i give you a thursday thirteen.

here are thirteen things i want to do before little miss peanut arrives:

1. have brunch with my girlfriends more often.

2. spend a weekend in santa barabara.

3. spend a weekend in san luis obispo.

4. learn how to make a few new recipies for dinner (suggestions welcome!)

5. write enough short stories to send off to a publisher.

6. have something published on indie bloggers.

7. attend several book club meetings.

8. walk through the redwoods.

9. get my hair into a style i actually like.

10. put up framed photographs in the livingroom and bedroom.

11. figure out the household finances and decide my going back to work plan.

12. finish the nursery entirely.

13. put up curtains in the living room and make it prettier.


lately my mind has been racing with so many thoughts. racing more than usual, i guess i should say, as it's always motoring along. i have tried to write here so many times, but i feel so scattered that i never know where to start. so i am just going to ramble.

i've had nothing to do all weekend, which has been just great. the weather is cold and sunny but really windy so i can't do anything outside, which is a bit disappointing. i would really like to wash my car but i know as soon as i do, all the pollen that has been flying around will just land right back on my car. but, at least it's sunny and pretty out, even if i have to enjoy it from the inside.

i attacked my mini closet yesterday. i've been really down lately because nothing fits me anymore. yes, i realize that i am pregnant and that this is normal. i get that. it still doesn't mean that i have to like it. i literally went from having hundreds of options to about 10. i've already spent a ton on maternity clothes and i feel like i have nothing. and because my boobs have grown so much i can no longer fit into tops that i used to and that just blows. i mean, i knew my stomach would get big, but i didn't think my boobs would grow so much so fast and sadly, i know they haven't stopped growing yet, either. i have tons of great clothes that i can no longer wear and it makes me sad looking at all of them just hanging in my closet so i purged it all yesterday. i have a rolling storage thing in the closet that i keep winter coats in so i put a lot of my clothes that i can no longer wear in the garage. but there was still a ton of stuff that i haven't worn in forever, so i'm getting rid of all of that as well. we're planning to have a garage sale in about 3 weeks so i'll try selling some of my clothes then and the rest i will give to charity. i know i will be able to fit into some of the clothes again, but i know there will be a lot that i won't be able to wear anymore. before i even got pregnant, i was outgrowing some things and was frankly tired of the clothes i had. the hardest things to let go of are all my pairs of designer jeans. oh, i won't get rid of all of them, but i will have to let go of quite a few.

i'm so over where we live. i've actually never really liked living here, though it is quite beautiful. it's like a little piece of paradise. however, the people who live up here are the snobbiest, most pretentious people i have ever met. there is a ton of money up here and the people who live here are constantly trying to keep up with each other in the most unhealthy ways. and they're all 'new money' so they don't really have the concept of saving for a rainy day and live these completely ostentatious lives, which is so not me. thankfully, hubby feels the same way as i do and we are looking to move in the next year or so. we had wanted to move this year, but that was before we found out i was pregnant so now we have to wait. we definitely don't want to say and grow old here. there's absolutely nothing keeping us here, which makes moving all that easier.

my disdain for my mil has grown to hatred with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. really. it gets worse and worse each time i have to interact with her. she just boils my blood. people keep telling me i will be thankful for her once the baby is born. but really? that freaks me out to no end that she will be nearby. she is one of the least maternal people i know. she is cold and unloving. and incredibly judgmental. and bitter. and now she is behaving like this child that i am carrying is hers. i guess she has always wanted a girl and even told hubby's father that unless he could guarantee her a girl, she didn't want any more children because she was so sick of boys. she cries every time i see or talk to her about how excited she is about me having a girl. dude. it's not yours. get the fuck over it. the day we found out, we called her and she insisted we come over and show her the ultra sound pictures. both hubby and i were exhausted from the week and called that evening to say we wouldn't have time as we were leaving for the weekend and she pulled this total crying guilt trip on hubby so we had to go just to placate her. she again started in on the water works when we got there and gave us this hideous pink outfit for the baby. i was gracious about it but am so not looking forward to receiving other things from her. yes, i am being an ungrateful twit. but if you had to deal with her, you would be, too.

i'm really starting to get worried about how things will be after i give birth. i mean immediately afterwards, like the first two weeks or so. hubby isn't prepared in the least and he's not exactly the most caring person out there. okay, okay. he cares, but he just doesn't know how to show it. he's more into the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away kind of mindset. and he also thinks i'm faking it when i tell him i'm not feeling well. i don't have any girlfriends nearby that i can call to help out and i know my parents won't be visiting me, either, with means i will have to rely on my mil. i am seriously concerned about this. i only have one girlfriend who i would call and she lives in LA and is a teacher and well, that just won't work. and besides, our house is so mini that no one would be able to stay with us, so asking anyone to come help would be out of the question because we can't afford to put someone up at a hotel.

i just finished reading the latest book by jhumpa lahiri called unaccustomed earth. she is by far my favorite author and her books always leave me wanting more. i love reading so much because it allows me to just melt away into another place and time. books have always been my greatest form of escape from the doldrums of everyday life. some girls i know in town just invited me to be part of their monthly book club and i'm thinking of joining. i missed the first meeting due to a migraine, but do want to participate in the next go round.

well, little miss peanut is doing gymnastics in my belly so i'm going to get up and move around a bit.

good times.

over the past few days i've stumbled across a few new blogs which have left me wanting more, so i thought i would share. nice of me, isn't it. heh.

first, to help me through my days at work at the dreaded job, i now read true office confessions many times throughout the day. i may even keep it open with my fingers on the alt-tab position just in case the evil boss man walks by so i can pretend i'm really working on a spreadsheet. it's good to know others are at dreaded jobs as well.

next i have found who what wear daily which is a fun site to gawk at more fashion that i can't afford. hey, at least a girl can dream, right?

and lastly but certainly not leastly, i have found jurgen nation which totally rocks. this chick writes well and i totally relate to a ton of what she has to say. today's post was about some great books i read growing up and now i want to go read them all again. she's also the moderator of indie bloggers and i swear one day i will have the courage to submit something.


is it wrong that i just double clicked my mouse at my desk while my boss was out of our office and that i could have totally been caught by someone walking by?

You Are A Little Snobby

And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed.

Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty.

And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality.

You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface.

i no longer have ankles. i now have cankles. hubby is now calling me cankie. we spent the weekend in LA and it was SO HOT. like 94 degrees hot. my legs, feet and hands were swollen the whole time and i was a bit miserable. sigh.

we went home for a wedding. a very whiskey tango wedding. we left friday morning and arrived in sunny hot LA and headed straight to tommy's for a burger. mmm. we thought we would have a nice afternoon to relax on my parent's patio, but my father decided that we needed to leave 2 hours before the rehearsal dinner, which was a mere 25 miles away. seriously. he said there was an accident and didn't want to hit traffic. the accident had happened 4 hours before we had to leave. so, we arrived an hour and a half early. luckily we were able to convince him that we were NOT going to arrive that early as it was at the groom's parent's house and we didn't know the people. so instead, we sat at a dirty mcdonald's in the ghetto of whittier. nice.

we finally arrive at the dinner and proceed to sit around and wait for everyone else to show up because this family is always late. like hours late. we finally sit down to eat and neither hubby or i can stomach the food because it's so god awful ~ vats of grocery store lasagna and dry garlic bread ~ so we just sipped on soda. dessert was strawberry cupcakes with super sweet frosting, which neither of us could eat, either. we then headed to the church for the rehearsal but of course, we got lost because my father does not believe in asking for directions. we finally arrive and run through the ceremony. i'm doing a reading but they don't even make me practice it, which turns out to be fine, since the next day we are totally late to the wedding because my father, yet again, didn't want to ask for directions and we get there AFTER i am supposed to read. nice. so we sit in the back of the church while i am feeling absolutely awful for being so late and my dad just shrugs his shoulders at me, like it's no big deal. i don't even go up for communion, i feel so bad. at least i get to rest my swollen feet on the cool church floor.

after the ceremony, we have a 2 hour wait until the reception begins so we head to uptown whittier. my father wants to head to the reception early, but again, we convince him that it won't be ready. it is sweltering out and we ask to stop for water, but he is convinced that we if we head to the reception, there will be something for us there. finally, he pulls into a 7 eleven where we run into two guys who are total tweakers. and obviously gang members. i am totally scared. and normally i don't get scared but these guys are a mess. they finally leave and we pay and head out. we park totally far away from the reception and my legs and feet are killing me but, again, my father refuses to let us stop and rest. we arrive at the reception site and leave my folks and venture out to find something to eat. thank god we do because the reception doesn't start for several hours because the wedding party took pictures for 2 1/2 hours and didn't arrive until after 6 pm.

by 8:00 pm hubby and i are done, even though things are still barely getting started. i text my girlfriend and she is the bestest friend ever and comes and picks us up. my folks give me attitude for leaving and have absolutely no empathy for the fact that i am really uncomfortable. we leave and head to baskin robbins for a sweet treat. hubby and i are in bed a little after 10 pm.

the weekend was not a total loss, though. saturday morning we met up with my girlfriend (the same rockstar who rescued us later that night) and headed out to pasadena for brunch and shopping. oh and pinkberry. mmm.

we got home this afternoon and it's almost just as hot up here. my mother in law was supposed to take care of the kitties while we were gone, but we came home to them being totally out of food and water. and the scoop for the litter was still in the box. she also had bought some flowers, but since they were out of water, they had knocked over the vase, thus spilling water all over the mail, the kitchen table and the floor. she had obviously not been there today, which is pretty crappy seeing how it is in the upper 80's outside and did i mention the cats are out of water??? and she knew we wouldn't be here until late afternoon and she only lives 15 minutes away. sigh.

oh, great. now i have acid reflux. lovely. and atty just threw up. waa.

when my original ultrasound was cancelled on friday, march 28, i called my then doctor's office and let them know i would be changing providers and would be cancelling my appointment i had on april 1 because the appointment was useless without the ultrasound.

they then called me on tuesday, april 1 to ask if i was changing providers as they had received the paperwork from my new doctor requesting my medical records. again, i told them i was and gave them the name of my new doctor, which they also had on the paperwork that the new doctor's office had faxed to them.

i just got another call from them asking me if i was changing providers because they had received paperwork requesting my medical information to be sent to another doctor. oh, and it's the same girl that has called each time. seriously? so that means they have been sitting on my paperwork for a little over a week now, which is great because tomorrow i go into the new doctor for my ultrasound and he needs my previous medical records.

i am so, so glad that i have changed doctors!!!


the countown down is closing in...tomorrow we find out the sex of the peanut! oh oh oh i just felt a kick! so stay tuned....


I went shopping with one of my girlfriends yesterday for some sassy maternity clothes. i can no longer wear anything in my closet and it's making me so sad. like really sad. and i doubt i will ever be able to fit into it most of it again. (i was already starting to grow out of things before i got pregnant.)

anywho, it was time to find something new. and besides, i'm in a wedding next weekend where i'm doing a reading, so i had to find something that wasn't so frumpy. so, my first stop was mimi maternity where i found that darling dress below. i look so preggers in it!! then my girlfriend found the sassy top and i knew i had to have it. next came the sweater and a few tank tops, v-necks and scoop neck t's.

then we went to cole haan where i found those delicious shoes. they were a splurge, but so worth it. they have nike air cushions in the insole so it feels like i'm walking on air. i love them!

it was a much needed day of girl time. we started with brunch, had a mid afternoon snack and shopped until we literally dropped. it was great!


so i just talked to hr and i am only allowed 6 weeks off for maternity leave. 6 weeks is nothing! if i have a c-section, then i'm allowed 8 weeks. i will have been at my job one month shy of a year by the time i deliver, so there is nothing the state can do for me, either. to say this blows is an understatement. i really don't know what i'm going to do. i don't want to come back here, but i don't want to have to pay back insurance money, either. and i'm not quite sure how to ask that without totally tipping my hand. i did ask in a round about way and was told all i would have to do is write a letter, but i'm not so sure of the legal ramifications. i mean, i seriously doubt they would let me off that easily...

dear hubby

dear hubby,

why must you be such an asshat when you are tired? yeah, i get it. you work long hours and your job tends to be pretty stressful, especially right now. but really? i am so tired of you taking it out on me, especially when i'm trying to sleep. i do not appreciate how loud you are. i don't understand how you can be so inconsiderate, slamming around the house after it is clear that i have gone to sleep.

and when you come to bed at 3 in the morning because you have fallen asleep on the couch, it would be nice if you could quietly come to bed instead of being so obnoxiously loud. i know you need your inhaler before you lie down, but do you really have to yank open your dresser drawer, root around then throw it back in when you're done?

also, do you really have to force open the door so hard when you come in? i don't ever shut it entirely so the cats can come in and out, so there is never a need for you to push with all your might and make it slam to the wall.

and stop taking all the covers when you get in!

i would also really appreciate it if you kept your freaking mouth shut and refrained from yelling profanities at me when you wake up throughout the night. i'm sorry if i turn over now and then or bump into you. by no means does that give you the right to yell such gems as "knock your fucking shit off" "you need to go to the fucking couch" and "stop your fucking snoring, you are such a pain in the ass to sleep with". (for the record, i had no idea i was snoring, but i did wake up with a really stuffy nose, so i'm sure that was why i was snoring. because normally? i don't make a sound when i sleep and you know that.)

also? when my alarm goes off an hour after yours and you are still in bed, do not yell at me to get out of bed. it's not my fault you overslept and now want me to rush around. it actually makes me move slower.

and yes. i was especially annoyed with you this morning. i had pretty much been awake since 3 am when you came to bed. yes, i left early because i didn't want to deal with you anymore. and while i appreciate that you called me to apologize, this behavior repeats itself all too often so saying sorry to me just doesn't work anymore.

you need to reevaluate how you are acting. if you are so tired, go to bed. lying on the couch watching tv doesn't help you get a restful night of sleep. and the fact that you are getting up a the asscrack of dawn both days this weekend to hunt all day is only going to be disasterous and you know it. i would appreciate it if you would actually go to bed at a decent hour instead of being a hard headed jerk.

your incredably exhausted wife

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

being able to sleep in a big fluffy bed without waking up until i want to, then spending an afternoon outside in the sun on the coast with friends, all without a care in the world.

What is your greatest fear?

being alone and unloved.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

i have no idea.

Which living person do you most admire?

my girlfriend lisa who quit a job that she didn't like, then moved to italy to pursue her dream of going to culinary school.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?


What is the trait you most deplore in others?

cattiness and extreme judgment

What is your greatest extravagance?

kate spade handbags, designer shoes and chanel makeup

What is your favorite journey?

the trip i took to the south with a girlfriend after college

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

virginity until marriage

On what occasion do you lie?

when the truth will hurt, and usually only if it's a white lie

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

my awful hair cut

Which living person do you most despise?

my new boss

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

"are you fucking kidding me?!" and "jesus fucking christ"

What is your greatest regret?

i try to live my life without regrets

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

my kitties

Which talent would you most like to have?

to be able to do math in my head

What is your current state of mind?


If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

only one thing? where do i start? i guess i would want them to have compassion, which they currently lack...

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

graduating from college

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

i really have no idea

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

a cat

What is your most treasured possession?

a sterling silver starfish necklace from tiffany's that i bought with my first paycheck from my first job post-college.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

at the very end of my drinking, when i didn't want to be alive anymore.

Where would you like to live?

on the coast

What is your favorite occupation?

i'm still searching for it.

What is your most marked characteristic?

my spunky nature

What is the quality you most like in a man?

intelligence and a quick wit

What is the quality you most like in a woman?


What do you most value in your friends?

loyalty, wit, and the ability to come forth with close criticism, but in a kind way.

Who are your favorite writers?

jodi picoult, mary karr, jhumpa lahiri, tom robbins, joyce carol oates

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

alice in wonderland

Who are your heroes in real life?

people who stand up for what they belive in, even if no one belives in them.

What are your favorite names?

it changes every day!

What is it that you most dislike?

people who are ignorant

How would you like to die?

painlessly and in my sleep.

What is your motto?

life is short. live without regrets.

first off, thank you, kind people, who have made me feel so much better about the nasty email that was sent to me. to say it shook me up is an understatement. at no point did i ever regret saying those things about the hospital, nor do i feel ashamed of my emotions. i feel i have every right to say and feel those things. i have had many horrible experiences at said hospital, so i feel even more justified at being angry. and to be told that my "harsh opinions" should not be shared was absolutely ridiculous. as a good girlfriend pointed out " well, I would want to know why I shouldn't go there. I don't want to go to a hospital that gives crappy service." my point exactly. so see, i was definitely not just being a pissy angry pregnant chick.

here are just a few examples of what we have recently experienced: when i had my awful accident back in november and was taken to emergency, i was barely looked over, regardless of the fact that i had a giant goose egg forming on my right temple. when i voiced my concern about my ever growing bump and bloodshot eyes, i was given the look of " oh, please, you patheic girl" and told i would be fine. several days later i was taken to a different hospital near my work due to my arms, legs and face going completly numb. turns out i had suffered a concusion during my accident that the hospital overlooked in their rush to get me out the door.

another time, hubby was suffereing from a severe athsma attack and when he asked for an x-ray to be done of his lungs, ~ he's very prone to getting phenomonia ~ the doctor flat out refused, saying he was " just trying to save us money". we finally got in a pissing contest with him and he relented. turns out hubbys lungs were 3/4 the way full with fluid, and he did, in fact, have phenomonia. nice. we have insurance ~ and good insurance, at that~ and are also willing to pay for things out of pocket when necessary, so it's not like we are being difficult patients.

i could seriously go on and on. there has not been one time where we have had a good experience at that hospital, nor have many of our friends and family who have also gone there. yes, i know things have now worked out, but my point is i feel completly justifed by my reaction on friday to the inital cancellation call and my reaction to the nasty email on monday. and out of all the people i have told, only two people have been nasty back. coincidently, they are two motherless ladies in aa, both of whom lectured me on my anger, saying that it was bad to harbor such feelings. really? so you should never get angry about anything? last time i checked, anger was a normal emotion....but i digress.

even hubby, who is pretty hard core in aa, thought the email was out of line. he, too, agreed that i didn't need to justify my emotions or opinions on the issue, and frankly agreed with everything that i had said and done and was actually impressed that i had restrained myself so much when talking to the hospital ~ i ended the converstaion with the bitchy receptionist who had given me attitude the whole time, and actually had the audacity to tell me that i wasn't the only person who was being rescheduled three weeks out and this was typical by saying " that's fucking ridiculous" and hanging up ~ thank the jesus baby on that, because if he didn't agree, i would have bitch slapped him into next week. um...wot?

anyhow, i've been in a bit of a mood this week ~ surprise, surprise. this incident sure put things into perspective for me. it's interesting what makes people react in the ways they do. i also know that i will never confide in her ever again, as i don't need harsh judgement and critisism from somone who i thought was supposed to care about my well being. it's one things to disagree with me in a totally tactful way, but not to cut me down and make me feel like crap. i really value the opinions of my friends ~ not that i ever considered her one, but regardless ~ especially when we disagree on things. but i expect them to give me the same respect that i give to them. and while i don't always see eye to eye with my friends, i don't ever 'bitch slap' them and give them my 'better than you' opinion, even if i am better. totally kidding. i'm not better than anyone. wellll...okay, okay...i'm not.

hubby once commented that the reason i don't have any adult women who i am close to is because i don't let them in, that i'm too guarded. well, if they treat me the way this 'sponsor' did, i don't go back for seconds. and i have a lot of wonderful friends my own age, so while it would be nice to have a few ladies who are older as friends, i'm certainly not crying a river over not having any.

and sadly, this whole experience lives an even more bitter taste in my mouth about aa. it is said that once you become sober, you learn how to deal with your emotions and you can feel things that you had been repressing with alcohol for so long. well, it seems very aparant to me, that by feelings, they mean anything that is happy, nothing harsh, sad or upsetting. but really, what is life without the ups and downs? you can't be happy all the time. sure, you don't want to be sad, but it's totally unrealistic to think happiness is the only way to live. of course i always want to be positive and optimistic, but it's not always realistic. shit happens. and then you deal with it, the best way you know how. so what if it's to get angry? now, if i was angry all the time and constantly threw temper tantrums, maybe that would be something to look into. but seriously? i don't know the last time i was so angry that i saw red, and dammit, i was justified. so there.

* cyndi lauper

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