update.

just a quick update...after 2 hours of interviews with 7 different people, i was offered the job. yipee!

BUT....i would have to take an enormous pay cut if i were to accept. and i mean enormous. like 10k less than i have been making. and it's a 45 minute commute each way.

SO...i am going to turn down the job. hubby is very supportive and told me that i should as well, as i am worth more than they can offer and i would be selling myself short if i accepted. my dad agreed with that as well. i'm very proud of myself for getting this far, though, but do feel bad that i have to turn down the offer. the man i would be working for is so kind and i know i would be helping him out a lot, but there are more cons than pros.

i did have another interview on tuesday for a different firm that is only a 15 minute commute. the folks there said they would be making decisions on wednesday of next week, so we'll see how that pans out.

thanks to all of you for your support! it really means a lot!

i finally crashed when i got home this afternoon and took a 2 hour nap that felt like 5 minutes. i had set my alarm so i wouldn't sleep too long and thank god i did or else i'd still be sleeping!

we're heading out of town tomorrow morning for the cabin where there is no internet or cell access. it will be great. we won't be back until next thursday. i can't wait to get away. and it will be much cooler than it has been here. tonight there are even thunder storms. i hope the last a little longer so we can enjoy them as well.

hubby's folks will be stopping by to take care of the kitties while we're gone. i'm gonna miss those little buggers so much. maybe i can practice my staring contest skills so i can beat atty next time.

it's entirely too early for me to be up right now. i just couldn't fall asleep last night. i stayed up until almost 2 am reading and ended up sleeping on the couch in the office 'cause hubby wouldn't let me read in bed. but then, at 5:20 am i woke up, totally awake. grrr. that's only like, 3 hours of sleep! i tried to go to bed, but lasted all of 5 minutes until finn wanted inside. so, i made coffee and decided not to fight it anymore. hubby's alarm just went off but i'm sure it'll be a while before he gets up as he was pretty beat when he went to bed at 11 last night. so now i'm up before the sun.

atty and i have begun a staring contest.

hold, please.

okay. he won.

rascal.

anyhow. i have a second interview today to follow up from the first interview i had on monday. yipee! i think i am going to wear a black a-line knee length skirt, a white long sleeve button up shirt with the cuffs unbuttoned and folded up once ~ both from banana ~ and black heals with the small leather rose from prada. oh, and my sterling silver charm bracelet from my childhood that i recently resurrected. if i had a full length mirror, i'd post it ala allie, but alas, i still haven't gotten a new one since finn knocked down and broke the old one. you should see me getting ready now, balancing precariously on the toilet so i can see all of me in the bathroom mirror. it's quite amusing. well, at least the cats are amused.

i know i will crash early in the day as i'm up so freaking early with so little sleep. but i actually have a lot to do today so there may be no nap in sight. we're heading out to the family cabin at o' dark thirty tomorrow morning so i've got to get all the cabin stuff done today. laundry. grocery shopping. house cleaning. bill paying. oh and i have to drop off the rent, too.

i cannot believe tomorrow is already the first of september, which means the countdown has begun for my birthday. buy your gifts early so they get to me on time. :-) heh heh. and jacarandabush, for god's sake. how many times do i need to give you my address!? i better get a super duper gift this year. totally kidding. sort of.


thirteen things that make me feel confident and empowered *


1. eating alone in a restaurant. the first time i did this i was 19 and working retail. i ate at a coco's next to the shopping center and felt so good about myself. my coworkers thought i was weird, but i felt strong.

2. taking a road trip by myself. a few months ago i went to the russian river, checked into a victorian b&b surrounded by redwoods. it was so peaceful and amazing.

3. to know that i can make it on my own, without the financial support of anyone else. i am educated and smart. i can hold a job and pay my own way. i can make a good living on my own.

4. i have a solid network of girlfriends. some i've known for over 20 years, others are new, but they all are amazing.

5. being sober for almost 2 years (one more month to go!).

6. not loosing who i am in my marriage.

7. going to the movies by myself. the first time i did this i was in college and went to see run, lola, run at the indie movie theater in town.

8. buying my own car without the financial help from anyone else. i bought my car, a 2000 saturn, while i was in college all on my own. it's paid off now and it feels great that i did it all by myself.

9. buying sex toys, watching porn, reading erotica and not feeling ashamed or dirty.

10. buying jewelery for myself. my first treat to myself was a sterling silver starfish from tiffany's. someone can always buy something for me, but it feels great to be able to do it for myself with my own money, and paying cash for it, no less.

11. being able to finish a 10k race. i ran my first one earlier this year and have run several since.

12. flying alone. it's quite freeing to drive to the airport, get on a flight and just go somewhere without anyone else. i've flown all over the country that way and i tend to prefer it to traveling with someone.

13. knowing that i don't need 'the secret' to get by in life. i also don't need oprah. i can figure things out on my own. i am deep, have open eyes to the world and a soul that knows no bounds. i'm a big believer in karma and common sense and that keeps me going.


*thanks to a to the odd for the topic.


it's meme time!

i discovered a new site the other day and loved this meme so much i had to take a stab at it myself. so, without further adieu, i give you 15 things i have never said to 15 different people.

1. you seriously need to eat a cheeseburger. now. with fries. and a regular coke. no, make that a chocolate shake. what you weigh is unacceptable.

2. ever since you got promoted, you have turned into an arrogant asshole. our whole relationship changed and that really makes me sad. you hardly take the time to return my emails now. do you really think you're that great? because, seriously? you're not.

3. you know that song, by brooks and dunn, big timin' in a small town? yeah. that's written about you. i don't know what happened to you, but you have been acting like such a horse's ass for the past few years and it's really old. and don't be hating because your family only moved here 30 years ago and not 100. you can't change that no matter how hard you try.

4. you were my first true love, yet i don't think you realized that. i still think about you from time to time, but thank my lucky stars that i'm no longer with you.

5. i'm tired of the pity party you are constantly asking me to attend each time i talk to you. life can be tough but seriously? get over yourself.

6. i cannot believe how much you have put up with me. thank you for everything.

7. i'm so glad i have you to share my deep dark secrets with. and that you don't judge me is awesome. thanks for being such a great friend.

8. just because we had sex before does not mean i ever want to have sex with you again. why can't you understand that?

9. i wonder what happened to you. you will always be the one who got away. at least all of my memories of you are great.

10. you have become so shallow since you got married. i don't even like talking to you anymore. not only are you shallow, but you're clueless as well. you have become the kind of stay at home wife i despise.

11. stop wearing those faux crocodile pumps with the big pink bow. they are ugly!

12. you are a pretentious snob and i cannot stand being around you. you think you are better than everyone else and you are not. you are nothing. you hold your nose so high in the air but don't even know what you are holding your nose for. you are a twit.

13. music and the arts are amazing. and yes, people do become very successful and are very happy because of it. i'm just sad that you don't realize that.

14. stop living in the past. it's over and done with. you can't change it. just move forward. really. it will be okay. hey, you might even find happiness.

15. i simply adore you. you have so much grace and poise. i want to be like you when i grow up.

sooo bored.

oh my gawd. i am so friggen bored. today is officially the first day that total and utter boredom has set in. i just wrote my thank you notes for the two interviews i had this week. i have to go fill a prescription for hubby. but really? that's all i have to do today. and it's another scorcher today so it's not like i'll be hanging outside any time soon. i got an email a little bit ago that one of my had her baby so i sent some flowers. the cats are snoozing and i'm still in my jammies. i need to motivate to do something. soon.

we are in a heat wave. it is 102 outside right now. at six o' friggen clock. tomorrow will be a 'spare the air' day where commuters can ride all bay area transit vehicles for free. since it will be hot and icky the bay area thinks it's doing a good deed. i am glad to hear, though, that the news i am watching has just compared the icky weather here to the bad air in la. i know it's bad in la, but i just get so tired of people in nor cal always saying how beautiful and pristine it is up here and how grungy it is in the city of angels. that's my home they're talking about, damn it.

anywho....i have my little window air conditioner cranking right now so the front room is a nice 70 degrees or so. the kitties are splayed out on the couch, trying hard to get as much air to blown on them as possible.

i've had 2 interviews so far this week and they both went pretty well. i have another one on thursday, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed that something good happens soon. speaking of interviews, i had a conversation with a friend the other day and she was shocked that a friend of hers didn't wear a suit to an interview. i agreed with her at first, then thought more about it. i don't know the last time i wore a suit for an interview. i think it must have been when i first graduated college. when i worked at the state capitol i wore suits pretty much every day, but ever since then, i have been more business casual and have learned that you don't have to wear a suit to look nice.

yesterday i wore a black knee length skirt, a light blue button up collared shirt ~ both banana republic ~ and sassy black sling back heals by via spiga. i had small diamond studs in my ear and my silver kenneth cole watch on my wrist. when i got to the interview, the first thing my interviewer said to me was "great shoes!" so i knew i passed the test. today i wore charcoal flat fronted trousers and a blue and white stripped buttoned up collared shirt ~ both banana again ~ and the same shoes as yesterday. both days i had light make up on and curled my hair a bit. i felt very put together both days and don't think wearing a suit would have been any better.

i think it also depends on where you are interviewing. at both places i went, no one was wearing a suit as it wasn't a super formal business environment, as most places tend not to be anymore. i did my research beforehand so i felt confident in not wearing a suit and am glad i didn't. plus, i think i would have felt a bit foolish wearing a suit in this heatwave.

but, the best part of today was having lunch with hubby. since my interview was in the town where he works, he called to see how everything went and invited me to lunch. i met him at his office and we walked to a sushi place a few blocks away. it was so fun to sneak away with him in the middle of the day. we were both in a silly mood which made dining together all the more fun.

i finally made it to the post office to get some packages off to a few girlfriends today. i've had them ready to go for a while now but since my ill-fated attempt on saturday, i didn't want to go. i finally sucked it up and went, which is good, since one package is for a girlfriend whose birthday is in a few days and the package needs to travel to the midwest.

yeah. so really, not much exciting has been going on here.

we went looking at houses again today. after viewing a few open houses we met with our realtor this afternoon at a house we've had our eye on. it's a great house at a pretty reasonable price ~ a very charming 1925 victorian home; 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms ~ one bathroom had a clawfoot bathtub ~ a cool kitchen, dining room and living room and a great yard. hubby and i both like it a lot. after checking it out, our realtor let us know that there was an offer given yesterday and the seller wants to fast track the house, or boilerplate it, as i guess it's called. anyhow, that means if we want it, we have to place an offer on it. today.

holy finance, batman.

we were there about an hour and we finally left and told the realtor that we would give her a call later this evening when we had made a decision. i just called her. we are not going to make an offer. it's just too much, too fast. we want to have 20% down and we have a ways to go. we think our families will help us with the deposit, yet we don't know by how much. we know we will be able to get a loan, as we have really good credit, but we don't want to be strapped and working just to pay the mortgage, especially since i'm not working right now. (though i do have two interviews this week. yay!)

it was so stressful coming to this decision, though. luckily, both hubby and i are on the same page. but i'm totally stressed. it's one thing to look, it's another to play the game. and right now i'm totally stressing out. i totally have a gnarly headache.

vh1 just finished playing the greatest songs from the 80's. these songs totally rock and i was instantly flooded with memories from my youth. it's so amazing how hearing a song will bring back a time and place that was previously tucked away somewhere in my memory.

so apropos of nothing, here are the top 10 songs ~ according to vh1 ~ and the memories they bring me:

1. Bon Jovi / "Livin' on a Prayer" my friend shannon was so in love with john bon jovi. she worshiped the guy and the band. we listened to 'slippery when wet' so many times we had to both by new tapes! she even rocked the rocker chick hair.

2. Def Leppard / "Pour Some Sugar On Me" this is hanging out in junior high with my friends,
at the days of verdugo's carnival. oh, how i loved that carnival that came to town every year in october.

3. Duran Duran / "Hungry Like the Wolf" john taylor is still good looking!! oh, how i love me some dd. i mean love them. i went to see these hot boys just a few years ago and that was hands down the best concert i have ever been to...see what you missed, wb!

4. Michael Jackson / "Billie Jean" i saw him in concert in frankfurt for my 16th birthday. for his dangerous tour. and what a dangerous adventure that was! heh.

5. Prince / "When Doves Cry" such a great dance song that reminds me of going to polyesters in the city for crazy nights of debauchery.

6. Hall & Oates / "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" all right. i don't really have any memories of this. i mean, i know the song, but nothing is associated with it.

7. Guns N' Roses / "Sweet Child O' Mine" this reminds me of hanging out at my friend leslie's house. while our mom's were downstairs smoking and drinking coffee, we were upstairs in her room pretending we were groupies. i saw them in concert with metallica at the rose bowl when i was in high school. to say that show rocked, is an understatement.

8. Madonna / "Like a Virgin" my friend olivia and i would dress up like madonna and prance around her back yard taking pictures of each other while lip syncing to this song.

9. Run-D.M.C. / "Walk This Way" this reminds me of being at camp fox on catalina island for my 6th grade graduation trip. the whole class went and we were split into groups to do skits. jacarandabush and i were in the same group and we did a skit to this song. and we even won 1st place, though i have no idea what in the world our skit was about.

10. AC/DC / "You Shook Me All Night Long" sally and i would dance like crazy to this song in college. especially at bull's tavern! hahahah.

what about you? do you have any fond memories of these songs?

awww...shucks! miss sally awarded me with this swell award. i guess i am nice after all. :-)

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people; good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world. Once you've been awarded please pass it on to others who you feel are deserving of this award."


so in honor of miss sally's kindness, i bequeath this award on to other fellow kind ladies:

terry she is just a swell gal and i heart her so. i know she's already been tagged, but so what. she's just that nice.

gypsy one of my favorite blogger pals. she's so honest and fun on her blog and her comments to me are something i totally look forward to.

allie i heart this fashionista! she's got style, class and grace, and always great advise. what more can i say!

cece talk about some great fun on this gal's blog. i always like to read what she has to say and i love that she lives close to where i grew up.

thanks, girls, for being such rock stars in my little blogger world! you're the best! xoxo



after chatting with a friend for a while last night, i have decided to do a post on the 13 things that i find very sexy ~ in no particular order.

1. satin sheets.

2. someone who has an air of mystery about them.

3. a 4 poster bed with white flowing sheets and tons of pillows on the deck of a beach house with nothing else around except for the roaring surf crashing on the rocks below and a scent of jasmine in the air.

4. easy access clothing for a little lovin' in the most saucy of places with only a moments notice, especially someplace risky.

5. not wearing underwear and letting someone know, even if there is no intention on being with that person.

6. snow on the ground, a fire in the fireplace and a hot tub filled with bubbling water on the deck.

7. lacy underwear and a satin cami.

8. a room full of candles, a breeze stirring through the open window and a down mattress with a single sheet on the floor.

9. a flirtatious smile, a glimmer in the eye and a wink from a stranger.

10. talking a walk with someone and without notice they grab you and kiss you. hard. and push you up the side of a building. frantically kissing you without a care in the the world until you melt to the ground in sheer and utter bliss.

11. intelligence without overconfidence, modesty with a slight bit of arrogance.

12. a great speaking voice, even better if the voice has an accent.

13. making out in a rain storm.


well, now that i'm all hot and bothered, what are some of the things you find sexy?

yesterday was a marathon day of applying for jobs. i must have applied to a least a dozen and was so over staring at my computer. i emailed all my references to make sure i could still use them and have heard back from all but one. but that one is just a friend and we have a bit of a tumultuous relationship. at any rate, i am pleased to hear back from everyone else, most notably two of my former bosses, both of whom have extended their well wishes and have offered to do whatever it is i need. (hehe, so there WB!)

i have not been sleeping very well, though, as my mind is constantly churning and wondering what is in store for me. the job market is slow and i am starting to get antsy. i am trying to stay home as much as i can as not to spend more money than necessary. just a simple trip to rite aid will cost me as i will find magazines or some random product to amuse myself with.

i heard from my friend who will be going to culinary school in italy next year. today is her last day at her job, which incidentally is for the company where i used to work. well, more accurately, the company she works for is owned by the company i used to work for. anyhow, she emailed me this morning to tell me my former boss ~ the one who was too much of an asshat to actually fire me and let me find out by finding the add on craigslist ~ has offered her my job until she goes to culinary school. she starts monday. i'm very glad she told me, as it would have been quite the shock to find out any other way. i have know she has wanted the job for quite some time, even before i was hired. i'm glad for her, but still have some mixed feelings about the whole thing. it was a big raise and promotion from her as she went from an entry level sales coordinator (her first real job out of college) to the executive assistant to the president, ceo and managing director. she applied for my job several times but they didn't hire her because she didn't have enough experience. i'm not saying they're desperate now, but well, it's been a month since i was let go and 6 weeks since they first posted my job and still have not been able to find anyone. i am secretly very glad for that.

and right now i am in the middle of watching the starter wife marathon on usa and i am so loving it! and speaking of wifes, the other day when hubby an i went to the farmer's market, we wandered into a rockabilly store and he bought me this sassy black apron with red cherries all over it. he said since i was a stay at home wife right now i needed to dress like one. it cracks me up! i have donned it a few times and it has been fun. the cats, of course, think i'm nuts.

i spoke with miss fleurs the other day and we've patched things up. i think. i mean, we talked for a good long time and i can tell she has a lot on her plate right and well, being as preggers as she is, well, i know i need to be much more understanding. but i do hope that she understands where i am at as well.

i have also discovered this site that has kept me quite amused. it's a real estate site where you can type any address in the country and see how much the property is worth. i have shamelessly typed in all of my friend's address to see where they rank. i'm not really surprised by any of them as i already pretty much knew around what everyone spent ~ okay, not exact dollar amounts, but i generally know the area they live in so therefore roughly know what they spent. what makes me the most depressed is seeing how much more the area i live in costs than everywhere else. a fixer upper mini house, much like the one we are renting with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom, starts at $500k. and if we want to be in the 'good' part of town that goes up by about $200k. for a fucking fixer upper. ah, living in the bay area is GREAT.

i've been writing a bit more and am working on a few short stories. i may even try to get them out further than my friends who will read them...but we'll see. don't want to get too far ahead of myself...

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 60% Conservative, 40% Liberal

Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal
How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

my vote is still for the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert ticket. heh.


fall wish list.

it's getting to be my most favorite time of year. the fall. oh, how i heart the fall. i love how the leaves change color and the air turns crisp. i like the shorter days and cozy homes. and i love hot spiced cider. i know it's still summer, hot, hot summer, but soon it will be fall. i've already bought fall colored candies ~ i just couldn't resist the m&m's with the pumpkin faces!

i've also started looking for things for my wardrobe. i know, i know. i need a job before i can go spending any money. but a girl can dream, right? and if anyone wants to buy me anything for my birthday, well, you know, that would be fine too. :-)

i would love this bag by kate spade. jacarandabush has this bag and i am coveting it so bad. actually anything in this collection would be wonderful.



these jeans. these are 7 for all mankind. i already have several pairs but they are getting pretty worn. i also love joe's petite provocateur. both brands fit so well and are kind to my behind.



this perfume. burberry brit. i have smelled it a few times in stores and i have fallen in love. i currently wear kate spade, coco mademoiselle by chanel or jessica mcclintock when i'm feeling nostalgic for my childhood ~ my best friend's mom's signature sent is jmc.


how fun are these shoes! both pairs are kate spade. yes, i have a slight shoe fetish. or is it a kate spade fetish? :-)


how cute is this hat!!



ooh! and i like this headband, too. but really? this girl needs to smile!


and i heard from a wise fashionista, allie, that green patent leather shoes will be the in thing this fall. i heart green patent leather! especially if they are mary janes. i will definitely keep my eyes out for those!

now what about you? is there anything you want to add to your fall wardrobe?

i know i'm not a total nut; i'm just going through a tough time right now. and while i know the stuff i write here is all deeply personal, it really helps me to get it all out. only a very small handful of my friends actually have access to this site, so i feel much better knowing that i can say whatever i want without being judged too harshly. it has taken me so long to be able to admit my faults and say whatever is on my mind. i grew up keeping everything so tight and so close to my soul that it had no change to grow. now, i am letting things out, sometime quickly, sometimes slowly, but it is working well for me. i consider this my daily journal of my deep thoughts, snarky comments and just random musings. the comments that are left are invaluable to me. i do take them all to heart as feedback is so important to me. it also helps to be able to relate to other people, to know that others are going through similar things and to not feel so alone.

before i posted yesterday evening, i had a great night. i have made a new friend and we went to coffee at a place i had never been. we talked a lot about sobriety and recovery, then picked up another girl and went to an aa meeting, one that i had never attended before. it was a meeting that was based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions of the program and was quite good. i may add this to my schedule of regularly attended meetings. after the meeting, my friend and i went to dinner after dropping of the other girl ~ she had a court ordered curfew and had to be back to her residential living place by a certain time ~ and chatted up for another hour or so. it was really good to get together with someone close to my age and is a functioning member of society. most of the people in my area are either young ~late teens, early twenties~ or old ~ over 65 ~ so it is really nice to hang out with someone who is also in their 30's.

anyhow, i guess my point is i do know how to get out there and meet people, but it's just so hard to find people to connect with on a deep down level. since i have never had an adult in my life that i have been close to, i struggle a lot with things. being in aa has helped me tremendously. i talked to my sponsor tonight a bit about how i have been feeling and she said it was perfectly normal. that she has had times of very similar feelings and then said 'this too shall pass', which i believe. it's just so hard when i'm right in the middle of feeling like a big 'ol piece of poo.

out of nowhere, today hubby called. i figured he needed something as he never calls just randomly. well, he called to invite me to a farmer's market out by his office. he never does that. i said i would come, then got in the shower. since my pity party began, i've been a little um...lax on the whole bathing aspect. yeah, gross. i know. anyhow, i felt a bit better after the shower and decided to dress a little nice for hubby. i donned a skirt and blouse and even some heals. i played with my hair, which is still taking a while to get used to, and headed out less than an hour later.

when i met up with hubby, he gave me a compliment, which was very well received. he also commented he could tell i hadn't been out of the house in the while as i was all dressed up. we wandered around the market and he actually bought me things! and he put his arm around me and would guide me using his hand on the small of my back. it was so nice. he never does that. he was being so sweet. i secretly wondered if one of his friends said something to him, or if he came up with this all on his own. maybe he has realized that i've been having a real tough go at things lately and have been pretty far down in the dumps. regardless of what made this afternoons events transpire, i thoroughly enjoyed myself.

we headed back to town and went to a meeting together tonight, then picked up dinner at the local fancy grocery store. right now he's putzing around the house, getting ready for a hunt tomorrow. i'm getting ready to relax and read. i still feel gloomy, but much less so that i have been for the past few weeks. i hate feeling the low points of despair that i do. i never know what will set me off and cause me to go so far.

*sigh*

*oh, and in case you were wondering, my birthday is one month from today. i will be 32. and 4 days later, on the 21st, i will have 2 years of sobriety. now, how 'bout them apples!

well, i got up at noon today, sleeping longer than i ever have before. i don't feel much better than i did last night, but a little better is better than nothing, so i guess that's a start. i know that i need to get over the whole thing with my mom. i have tried really hard to do that but am having such a hard time letting it all go. the everything with miss fleurs, just really threw me into a tailspin. i wrote her an email last night, apologizing for being a jerk and explaining a little about how i've been feeling and haven't heard back. i also called her this afternoon and left her a message with my apology and a congratulations on her engagement. i really hope i hear from her soon, one way or another.

i just feel like there is a big whole inside with me and something is missing, but i just don't know what. i truly believe this is why i read so much. by reading, i am able to transform myself into another life, another place in time. that's also why i write. i can escape my reality and make up one for someone else.

i really do try to be a good person. an open and honest person. a happy person. and for the most part, i feel i suceed at these things. but, then there are days and sadly, a few weeks that throw me so far in the opposite direction.

i do have friends that are darling and supportive and honest in my times of self loathing and doubt, and i am so thankful beyond words for them. the most important thing about my friends is that they know i'm not trying to feel sorry for myself by hosting a big pity party. i'm just so out of sorts i don't know which way is up.

so thank you, friends, for your words, calls and the flowers that were sent from across the country!

thru teary eyes

so not only have i now ruined a friendship, i am back to where i was when i talked to my mother the other day. since i had been playing phone tag with miss fleurs since last week, i decided to write her an email last night telling her i couldn't help her out and i was so sorry. i told her that hubby and i had a conversation and while i left out his ranting and raving at me, i told her how sad i was. i called her and left a message today, but didn't hear back from her. i just got an email and it makes me so sad, so sad that yes, yet again i'm crying. turns out she figured i wasn't going to work for her, but she feels i was holding out on her to the last minute so she's really hurt. she has hired 2 other people to work for her (which makes me really glad she has the help) but i think this has seriously hurt our friendship. i had asked for 2 arrangements (for some friends in town), and now she has told me she won't be able to do them, which really makes me believe she is done with me. she has never said no before and she said she would do it and charge me a large fee on top of it, so i know she has had enough of me, which makes me even sadder as she was my only friend in town. and what's even worse is she said she had been trying to call me to tell me she had gotten engaged and was hurt she had to email me instead of tell me over the phone. why oh why can't i get anything right, ever? why did i miss the day when 'being nice to others' was taught?

i have been in such a bad place since talking with my mother. i try to be so strong, yet i am not. all around me is tough love and i am so, so tired of it. i try so hard for people to like me, but i just seem to constantly miss the mark. i don't know what i do wrong. i get so close to ending it all, but don't want to leave anyone with odds and ends to pick up. i feel so unloved and sad all the time. the only person that seems to love me unconditionally without reservation is atticus, who is curled up with me right now. he loves me no matter what and i honestly believe he is the only one who does.

and no, i am not writing this to get sympathy or even empathy. i just need to get the words out. my heart is heavy and i am so tired of hurting. i'm tired of making bad choices and wrong decisions at every turn in my life. there's nothing i feel happy about anymore. i try and try to get ahead, yet seem to fall further down instead. i just don't know what to do anymore.

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Thirteen Things I Need to do Today

1. apply for more jobs. i have been so weary of applying for jobs and i don't know why. i just need to apply and get on with things.

2. fold the laundry.

3. pickle some more cucumbers.

4. finish putting together a fun box of goodies for a girlfriend and get it to the post office.

5. pay a few bills.

6. pick up the dry cleaning.

7. buy more coffee. god forbid we run out!

8. make the bed.

9. hang a new photo collage i made on the wall.

10. bake some cookies.

11. refresh the batteries in my bedside friend, then test it out to make sure it works.

12. take out the papers and the trash 'cause tomorrow is trash day.

13. meet a new girlfriend for coffee at 6pm.

delimas.

so i feel really bad. i just had to tell miss fleurs that i can't help her out. you see, she is very much preggers and needs some extra help with her beautiful fleur business and has asked me if i would be willing to work for her. i practically jumped at the chance, i was so excited. i had to talk it over with hubby and got a lecture on how i need to get a full-time full-salary job. the hard part is that she would only really need me for 2 days a week, maybe a little more if things got busy or a little less if things got slow, so i really couldn't count on a steady amount, which has hubby all in a tissy.

but to be fair, i do understand where he is coming from, especially since we have begun our quest to buy a house. I was out all day looking with a realtor at houses and we found what i like to call our dream house. the only problem is that dream house is so far out of our price range, it isn't funny. it's about double what we are able to pay. but it's utterly perfect in each and every single way. oh, how we both love dream house.

maybe there's a corner i could work on so we could afford the house. kidding. sort of...sigh.

tuesday thots

so i cut my hair today. it looks pretty similar to this photo of reese. not the color, but the cut. it's a little shorter, though, about to my collarbone. i must have cut off at least 6 inches. it feels really good. i was getting tired of my long hair and felt it made me look too young. and i was noticing that i was putting it up a lot, which is usually a good sign that it's time for a cut. we'll see how hubby likes it, though. he wants my hair long and blond, all the time. i'm tired of it long. it's not that i cut it really short or anything....

the gal that cuts my hair is awesome and does such a great job. she's even going to get me a super cool new ceramic hot iron, just like the one she uses at the salon. the best part is she will get it at cost for me. :)

i also wrote a letter to my mother. it took me quite, but i am pleased with the results. i had hubby read it over and he approved. i did the best i could to not get defensive or to put her on the defensive. i tried to make it as neutral as i could while describing everything i have been feeling to the best of my ability. i read it over again today and put it in the mail this afternoon. she should get it in the next day or two, so we'll see how things go from there. the ball is in her court now.

i had lunch with a girlfriend today which was fun. we were both in the mood for burgers so we headed for a tasty burger place in town. she gave her notice at work last week and will be off to Florence in a few months to enroll in culinary school. i am so excited for her. i definitely want to go visit!

i started pickling some pickling cucumbers today. hubby has this crazy big garden that produces the most amazing fruits and veggies. he swears by the fish emulsion that he preps the soil with makes everything grow so well. it's like crack for plants. anyhow, we are going crazy with all of our veggies, so hubby likes to pickle the cucumbers. since he's been working so much lately, i have started doing some of the pickling myself. today i made a batch with balsamic vinegar instead of regular vinegar. i like to make each batch a little different than from the last, especially since there are so many batches to make!

but the best ~ or worst part depending on how you see this ~ is that i have been watching the flavor of love marathon on vh1 yesterday and today. this show is a freaking bad car wreck that i.cannot.stop.watching. hubby gets hooked on the rock of love with bret michaels. both shows are nuts. one straight from the ghetto, one straight white trash. i can't stop watching either one. and damn it. if that's wrong, then i don't want to be right.

ugh. so i just started my dot and now i feel like crap. super bad cramps are in full effect and i have a gnarly headache. this also explains why i was extra emotional this past week. you see, with all the craziness surrounding my firing, i totally missed starting my new pack of pills and have been off this whole months. so, to say that i am a bit out of whack is an understatement. but, at least i know why. my dot is always so much worse when i'm not on the pill. well, at least i'm not preggers...

chanting the om.

okay. after many deep breaths and several conversations with some very close friends, i am feeling much better. i know that i was pretty down on myself this past week due to my current job situation, so that made talking with my mom all that much worse. i know i am not a bad person, or any of those things she said to me. she doesn't really know me at all, mostly because she often talks to me the way she did on thursday, and she was really reaching. reaching for what, i don't know, but reaching for something. i am going to take the advice of the wise people in my little world and keep my distance from her toxic ways. i think this time i will write her a letter explaining what i am feeling and how she has effected me. i don't really see any other way to deal with her. i tried not talking to her for a few months, and it never gets better, only worse.

so special thanks to the wb, ambs, sally and a to the odd who shed some light my way and made me feel more loved. you guys are the best.

i am so upset right now. i have not cried so much in a very, very, very long time. i just got of the phone with my mother. i had called just to say hello. the first thing she said to me was " so, i heard you got canned". um. yep. she then asked what i had done to get fired, and when i said i had no idea, she got on my case for not knowing. when i explained the job situation and how communication was not a top priority, she said it was me who was difficult.

she said i am not a nice person and that i'm too loud, too boisterous and always need to be the center of attention. she also said i always have to be right, no matter how wrong i am. in between saying all of that, she told me i need to go to therapy. she said i need to do nice things for other people when they aren't expecting it. i totally do that! i send my friends random little gifts, i make them cards, i send them flowers. i do my best to remember their birthdays. i just sent my dad a new velour leisure suit because he's having cataract surgery...but to that, she responded that he was really upset that i didn't call him on father's day. wtf?!

she also said that she suspected that i had a drinking problem. are you fucking kidding me? of course i had a drinking problem, i have since gotten help and have been sober almost 2 years! when i told her that, she said "well, i know that now, but i didn't know that when you were drinking" well, no shit, sherlock. only the people who were around me at the time knew. and even then, i'm not sure they all knew because most of them were drinking as much as i was.

she also berated me for leaving home so quickly when i was younger, saying that it seemed like i couldn't get away fast enough. I MOVED AWAY TO COLLEGE WHEN I WAS 19. that is why i left. and even then, i only moved 3 hours away. they only visited me 3 times the whole time i was gone! and i came home a lot too.

she also commented on how i wouldn't listen to her but instead i would listen to my friends. are you kidding me? that's what teenagers do. they always listen to their friends over their parents. hell, even now i listen to my friends over anyone else. i think we all do that.

and apparently, i don't know how to be gracious, either.

excuse me while i curl into the fetal position and hold my cat.


thirteen things i just don't understand.

1. mirapex. have you seen these ads? it's a pill that will suppress restless leg syndrome. um...what? but that's not what i don't understand. it's the side effects that get me. are you ready? it will increase your desire to gamble and have sex. are you freaking kidding me? what the hell kind of pill will do that?!

2. why men make consistently more money than women in the workforce when both are in the same job with the same credentials. seriously. this really bothers me.

3. how i have become so unmotivated. i have had the hardest time getting back on the job search bandwagon. i have no idea what i want to do and i think that is holding me back from seeing just what is out there.

4. why hubby feels the need to tell me that i need to get in shape and tone up. um...i'm pretty little and am relatively fit. i'm 5 feet tall and weigh 105. i'm just fine, thank you very much.

5. how celebrities think going to rehab will solve all their problems. rarely any of them have actually been successful and staying sober. it's such a joke to them, which just belittles those people who have successfully gone through treatment.

6. how it is the middle of the summer and it is only 61 degrees outside and has been chilly for most of this week. yesterday i even noticed some of the trees in town have already turned their leaves. in august.

7. why hubby's family goes to the same 4 restaurants over and over and over again. seriously? it has gotten really old. and when i suggest going someplace new, it's always a disaster because they seriously complain the whole time that it's not like the places they normally go to.

8. why i am so freaking addicted to us magazine. i simply cannot go a week without buying a copy! maybe it somehow makes me feel better that i'm not leading a frivolous life. or maybe i secretly want to be like them. okay, so maybe not that.

9. why i was fired. i have no idea what i did. i know i make some mistakes, but good lord. i was i that bad that i couldn't be communicated with? that is just completely unacceptable.

10. how such little animals ~ especially my cats ~ can poo so much!

11. how our on-demand cable just stopped working. it worked fine the other day and now it's not working. um..did hubby watch too many john wayne movies? are we blocked now because of it? i really wanted to do a workout this morning. okay, so perhaps that's a lie. but still...we pay for the on-demand service. it needs to be working. now.

12. how febreze really works. not only does this little bottle of wonder make my whole house smell fresh, it doesn't leave an obvious i-just-sprayed-the-room-with-room-spray scent.

13. how there are women who do not embrace their age and instead insist on dressing like they are in their twenties, which only makes them look worse and so much older.

WOW.

well...where do i begin!? i got a call this morning at around 10:30 am. the caller id said withheld and i normally don't answer those calls, but my girlfriend was coming to visit and since i figured it was her calling, i answered it. but it wasn't her. it was the gal from the adoption site that i had emailed last night.

after talking to her for a while, i decided her business was legit and agreed to go forward with my search with her. after i paid a fee (much lower than i had expected or seen on other similar sites) within a few minutes, she had found my original birth certificate! it took her a while because it turns out i had a delayed entry birth. what that means is that my birth certificate wasn't filed with the state right away so it was put in a seperate file, which is often overlooked. she said it was quite rare for that to happen as most people file right away. so, while i was born in september, my birth certificate wasn't filed until november.

so....my birth name is.... jeanne. my biological father's last name is morse and my biological mother's last name is mcbride. holy crap! i have another identity!!! so now, my researcher is checking up on the father and mother and will let me know what she discovers. she says normally she will have something to me within 2-3 days.

i'm just blown away. a while ago i had asked my mother if she knew what my real name was, and she said it was something like jean, or jane, so when the gal today said jeanne, i knew it had to be true. just knowing this much is amazing.

i just took a big step towards finding out a little more about myself. i registered on an adoption search website. i was adopted when i was six weeks old, on halloween, no less. i don't have any information on where i came from except that i was born in downtown los angeles, near tommy's (a fantastic chilly burger joint). aside from my birthdate and the name of the hospital where i was born, i know nothing else.

california has some of the most extreme adoption laws and my records were sealed as soon as the adoption was finalized. even while working for legislators in the state capitol, there was nothing i could do to open my records. anything less than a court order wouldn't make things budge. but that sounds easy enough, right? wrong. in order to get said court order, i would have to have my parents and a los angeles county judge sign the order. i have battled with my mother for years on this. she gives me this whole drawn out i-don't-love-her-anymore deal because i want to know where i came from. she will even go so far as to say there is nothing wrong with her ~ when i tell her i want to find out for medical reasons ~ and that i shouldn't worry about it. ummm...right. i know she means well, but really? we're not blood related, so it doesn't matter if she feels well!

i have searched and searched for places to get some answers, but so many of them sound like scams or just cost entirely too much. somehow i found a site that may work and signed up. i sent an email asking what to expect and how much to expect the searching to cost. i'm willing to pay a fair amount, but i don't want to be taken to the cleaners. as my birthday approaches, i'm hoping that this shot in the dark finally leads into a sliver of light.

humph.

i'm in such a spot right now. i've started looking for work again, well half heartedly, to be quite honest. i just don't want to do what i had previously been doing, but like a moth to a flame, i keep looking at those type of job postings. i would so much rather be doing something else, yet i have no idea what that something else might be. i have a strong desire to write, but as much as i say that, i still have yet to act upon it. hubby has started putting the pressure on me and while he is not coming out and saying much, i know he's feeling that i'm a lazy, no good, stay at home....err...well, maybe he's not thinking that, but i sure am. i do know that it's starting to get to him. he tells me he doesn't understand how i can't hold down a job, but really? i hold them down pretty well, thank you very much. i was at the job before this....wait and pretty much all my jobs before this...for at least a year and a half. while that is not a stellar record, at least i passed the year mark. and i left those other jobs for good reason. but whatever. i'm just in a bit of a mood right now. i want to have a good cry, but there's nothing left. atty has just come in from the wilds of the yard, so i'm going to have a good cuddle. and yes, i will continue to pout. so there.

i realized the other day that my mil has no idea how to cook. no idea whatsoever. hubby grew up eating normal foods, i guess, but never had to try anything new or different. his parents also rarely entertain. if they do, it's for a holiday, with pretty much only family, where there is a traditional preset holiday menu, like goose for christmas and ham for easter or something like that. and the side dishes are very normal, like salad out of a bag, rolls heated in the oven and some green beans. the dessert is usually either lemon bars or lemon curd, the two things his mom knows how to make. she's also made angel's food cake and that came out all right. otherwise she goes to a bakery and picks up something. pretty much everything we've had there has been grilled; the steak, salmon, sausage. but she will make the most outrageous appetizers, that while they turn out tasty, she acts like the are the most disgusting thing ever and becomes the biggest martyr because they do not look exactly like some photo in some upscale cook book. like we need to feel sorry for her or something. nice try, lady.

but it really took me to realize that until this past weekend. she made us a 'cake' to take to the cabin with all the strawberries we have harvested from our garden. i say 'cake' in quotes because it in no way resembled a cake. it was more of a pie, but a sad pie. (i swear i saw a tear slide down the side of the crust.) it had a graham cracker crust that was filled with lemon curd and topped with strawberries. and the strawberries weren't even sliced. only the stems had been removed and then they were plopped on top. she had also claimed there is no recipe for strawberry pie out there. wtf? my mom made me strawberry pie practically every year for my birthday. even i know how to make a strawberry pie.

i then thought about other times with his folks. they never have food in their fridge because they 'don't really cook'. good thing the recently did a massive remodel of their entire kitchen. sure, she can make fried green tomatoes, but what about a normal dinner? what about meatloaf or a casserole? god forbid someone asks for a grilled cheese sandwich and mac n cheese! and she hardly has any ingredients on hand. i don't know why it took me so long to figure out. no wonder hubby has an aversion to eating at the dinner table. he never grew up doing that. that is just not right.

don't get me wrong, i don't think i should be making full on meals each night, but i have definitely upped my effort in the kitchen since this weekend. even when we have fend-for-yourself-nights, i want to make sure we actually have something good to fend for rather than just cheese, crackers, cereal and celery. tonight i made a chicken casserole, which was delicious. and now there's enough left over to feast on for a few days, which is good because hubby takes his lunch to work with him. tomorrow i'm going to make cookies. i buy them all the time, but since i have some extra time these days, i figure i should actually do some stuff in the kitchen so as not to forget how. i'm going to make heath bar cookies. mmmm. maybe i'll call miss fleurs and see if she will be in town tomorrow so i can share them with her. i just sent her the cutest harajuku lovers outfit (gwen stefani designs for children...both miss fleurs and i heart gwen) for her little girl that will be arriving in october. :) but anyhow, i digress.

i cannot believe it took me so long to realize that my mil is not the kitchen lady she proclaims she is with her fancy kitchen, cookbooks and appliances. i guess the fact that when they remodeled, they put in the 'art wall' i should have figured it out. i guess i genuinely thought she did stuff with her beloved kitchen. more than put together the occasional salad, appetizer and lemon curd. oh, and she loves making cookies she buys at costco. yes, i agree it is easy to make cookies with the ready made stuff, but it's also fun to make stuff from scratch.

but then again, this is the same lady who has NO IDEA how to pump her own gas for her car.

sexy is

someone told me today that i am sexy. i sure don't feel sexy, but it was nice to hear. but what is sexy? to me, it encompasses many things, looks only being one part of the whole package, but more on that in a bit.

sexy is

being confident in yourself, but not so much so as to come off as arrogance.

being aware of the world around you and considerate of others, but not becoming a martyr when things go wrong.

having a positive outlook on life, but not being so extreme that it is unbelievable ~ no one can be happy all the time ~ and in the same regard, no one can be sad all the time, either.

to live in the knowledge that money does not buy love or happiness, no matter what the price.

to know how to give deep, sincere eye contact when talking with someone. eye contact is key.

to know how touch someone at the right point in the conversation, whether it be on the arm, the hand or face, without coming off as sleazy or cheap.

to wear a faint sent of something delicious. just a touch of the right perfume, cologne or even soap is wonderful and will always leave me wanting more.

being well put together, whether in work out clothes and or a night-on-the-town outfit. realize when it is time to really get rid of that shirt you wore in high school, even if it is super comfy.

being genuine and sincere. we all have insecurities, but being a snot about things will never get you far.

a healthy desire to work out, is important to possess. being a couch potato just doesn't cut it, no matter how good looking someone is.

and it should be without saying, but someone who is intelligent is very sexy to me. there's nothing worse than trying to carry on a conversation with someone and they are just too dumb to get what you are saying.

and with all that, with a little sass thrown in, well you'll have me at hello.

now while that is all fine in the personality department, looks definitly play a role in being sexy. a dishevled person, is not going to make the sexy cut, in my book. i personally adore men with short hair, a good appetite, a healthy lease on life and who will adore me. if it's just someone i glance, such as the darling man i sat next to on one of my recent flights, the way he looks can make my imagination run wild. and boy...um...what were we just talking about?

some of my most favorite sexy people are*:

leonardo dicaprio
jake gyllenhaal
edward norton
andrew mc carthy
mike rowe
alyssa milano
jessica alba
eva mendes
christina applegate
elle macpherson
d, a former colleague
e, my first...err...yes, that first
a, one of my bestest friends
j, a former colleague
b, a friend from college
w, another one of my bestest friends
c, a former colleague
g, a fellow lady blogger
l, a darling preggers friend

*just because there are gals on this list doesn't mean i want to sleep with them. . well, not that it hasn't been considered. wot!? that was innnnnnnaaapppporrrrrpppprrrrriiiiioooottttt!

i so cannot get motivated today. stop your laughing. i see you twittering over there in the corner. i slept in super late today and have been making sure the couch hasn't flow away since. i've chatted with several friends online this morning and really, that's about all i've done. i've started looking for a job again, yet i have no idea what it is i want to do. i keep falling back to the old standby of what i used to do, but i think i am quite burned out. 8 years is a long time to do one type of work, regardless of the industry i was in. thankfully, the industries were quite varied. but still.

several friends, even today, suggested i get on with it and start writing for real. not just writing, but actually submitting it somewhere. one friend even gave me some ideas, but i think he would be more suited to write the stories himself, but one of his ideas would be fun to write together....so maybe that will pan out one day. i just am having a hard time being inspired with what to write. do you have any suggestions? i would love to hear what you think. if i write something you have suggested, i will even give you super duper credit.

it's dreary and cold outside which is making it more difficult to get up and do anything. i need to trim the roses, as nothing more will grow since they are so full of bloomed out pieces that the buds have no where to go. and i need to dust. good lord, if i don't dust by the time hubby comes home, i will never hear the end of it. granted, i haven't dusted in a while, but i need to get it done today or i seriously believe he will have a conniption fit, as he's asked me about a thousand times to dust.

i'm going to head out to the bookstore ~ cause a girl can never have enough books ~ and see if i can find a new cookbook. i've been really lazy when it comes to cooking and i figure since i have so much time now, i should at least be able to prepare a meal every now and then. and the bookstore is next to a cool little bath shop...so it wouldn't hurt to look in there, either, would it. besides, i need to get something for terry in there. :)


in honor of our 4th anniversary on thursday, this list is all about hubby.*

1. he makes me belly laugh each and every day.

2. he is wound so tight, sometimes i'm afraid he really is going to burst.

3. he's really smart. and funny. and cute, too.

4. he has an unnatural love for magnum p.i.

5. he has a short temper that at times can get a bit out of control.

6. he makes up funny songs all the time.

7. patience is not one of his strong suits.

8. he is being so supportive of my job situation.

9. he has close to 11 years of sobriety and i am so proud of him for that.

10. he loves to cuddle, even though he sometimes crushes me when he hugs me so tight.

11. he dresses well, so i never have to worry about how he will look when we go somewhere.

12. he can be pretty condescending, which is really annoying.

13. he is a very good provider, even though he tends to be a little nutty about money.

* i'm posting this a little early 'cause we're going out of town early tomorrow morning and i won't have access to the internet until we get back on sunday. m'kay.

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