skybluepink

i know i'm not a total nut; i'm just going through a tough time right now. and while i know the stuff i write here is all deeply personal, it really helps me to get it all out. only a very small handful of my friends actually have access to this site, so i feel much better knowing that i can say whatever i want without being judged too harshly. it has taken me so long to be able to admit my faults and say whatever is on my mind. i grew up keeping everything so tight and so close to my soul that it had no change to grow. now, i am letting things out, sometime quickly, sometimes slowly, but it is working well for me. i consider this my daily journal of my deep thoughts, snarky comments and just random musings. the comments that are left are invaluable to me. i do take them all to heart as feedback is so important to me. it also helps to be able to relate to other people, to know that others are going through similar things and to not feel so alone.

before i posted yesterday evening, i had a great night. i have made a new friend and we went to coffee at a place i had never been. we talked a lot about sobriety and recovery, then picked up another girl and went to an aa meeting, one that i had never attended before. it was a meeting that was based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions of the program and was quite good. i may add this to my schedule of regularly attended meetings. after the meeting, my friend and i went to dinner after dropping of the other girl ~ she had a court ordered curfew and had to be back to her residential living place by a certain time ~ and chatted up for another hour or so. it was really good to get together with someone close to my age and is a functioning member of society. most of the people in my area are either young ~late teens, early twenties~ or old ~ over 65 ~ so it is really nice to hang out with someone who is also in their 30's.

anyhow, i guess my point is i do know how to get out there and meet people, but it's just so hard to find people to connect with on a deep down level. since i have never had an adult in my life that i have been close to, i struggle a lot with things. being in aa has helped me tremendously. i talked to my sponsor tonight a bit about how i have been feeling and she said it was perfectly normal. that she has had times of very similar feelings and then said 'this too shall pass', which i believe. it's just so hard when i'm right in the middle of feeling like a big 'ol piece of poo.

out of nowhere, today hubby called. i figured he needed something as he never calls just randomly. well, he called to invite me to a farmer's market out by his office. he never does that. i said i would come, then got in the shower. since my pity party began, i've been a little um...lax on the whole bathing aspect. yeah, gross. i know. anyhow, i felt a bit better after the shower and decided to dress a little nice for hubby. i donned a skirt and blouse and even some heals. i played with my hair, which is still taking a while to get used to, and headed out less than an hour later.

when i met up with hubby, he gave me a compliment, which was very well received. he also commented he could tell i hadn't been out of the house in the while as i was all dressed up. we wandered around the market and he actually bought me things! and he put his arm around me and would guide me using his hand on the small of my back. it was so nice. he never does that. he was being so sweet. i secretly wondered if one of his friends said something to him, or if he came up with this all on his own. maybe he has realized that i've been having a real tough go at things lately and have been pretty far down in the dumps. regardless of what made this afternoons events transpire, i thoroughly enjoyed myself.

we headed back to town and went to a meeting together tonight, then picked up dinner at the local fancy grocery store. right now he's putzing around the house, getting ready for a hunt tomorrow. i'm getting ready to relax and read. i still feel gloomy, but much less so that i have been for the past few weeks. i hate feeling the low points of despair that i do. i never know what will set me off and cause me to go so far.

*sigh*

*oh, and in case you were wondering, my birthday is one month from today. i will be 32. and 4 days later, on the 21st, i will have 2 years of sobriety. now, how 'bout them apples!