what a freaking long day. long emotional day. after work i went to mc donalds, because i deserved it, then went to the scrapbook store when i spent $94 in the matter of about 20 minutes. retail therapy did help, but not as much as i thought it might.

i got home at the same time that c did and we chatted for a bit. it was constructive, but i still wasn't feeling much better, so i went to a meeting at 5:30 this evening. it was a living sober meeting. i shared and was overcome by emotion and totally started crying. i've never done that before. i got 3 phone numbers from new women that i hadn't met before. i stayed after and talked to a few more women. one of them said she'd call me tomorrow. i hope she does. but if she doesn't, i will call her.

i got home around the same time as c again (he went to get a massage). i started dinner and installed a new font program on my computer (for better scrapping). and now i am beat. like a red headed step child. i do feel a bit better, though. thank you to those of you who sent me loving thoughts. i do take everything you've said seriously and am working on myself. tomorrow i am going to spend some time at the spa after work, to decompress. i need time for me. tomorrow i will be selfish and it will be all about me.

love to you all, and thank you for being my friends. now will you please hurry up and move to where i am? ~okay so i started my selfishness a little early...~

*On May 1st, as a result of the Mexican boycott, national retailers reported .0042% lower sales for the day, with a 67.8% reduction in shoplifting.

According to data from the Los Angeles County Sheriff, Los Angeles had a reduction in the following:
82% reduction - auto theft
28% reduction- murders/ violent crimes/ rapes
73% reduction - vandalism / tagging
54% reduction - drug related offenses (not including the area surrounding the march)
31% reduction- domestic violence cases
64% reduction- misdemeanor cases (shop lifting, etc)

CHP reported that today was a record low in the least amount of traffic accidents on Southern CA freeways.

Looks like the immigration rally was well worth it. Maybe we can do this one again sometime.

*sent to me by kw*

i'm going to try and stop my pity party now. i'm sorry for dragging you all with me, but know that it means A LOT to me that you've all responded either on here or via email. i'm just having a hard time right now and as someone pointed out, i'm not really fighting the deamons like i should be. i'm letting them get the best of me. i know i'm not on top of my game right now, but i've got to get back on it or else i don't know what will happen.

i'm taking deep breaths and have taken a few walks around the property here at work. it's a nice day outside, so i know someone is looking out for me.

mr. fp is on a roll today, and i'm trying to stay out of his way. he did get on my case this morning, but well, that's in the past so i need to forget about it. i'm going to take kate's advice and do something good this afternoon...for me...and go swim. i know i need to get out of this stupid funk that i'm in. i haven't had much time for just myself, so i know that has caught up with me.

and like another friend advised, i'm going to stop doing nice things for people who don't appreciate me. damn them! so, thanks, wushci.

and kw, thanks for your verses and your constant kindness. it means so much to me.

and the big white bear. ah uh yew and take your words seriously.

thank you all. i need to get on the right path again and walk towards the light and kindness, and not hide away from it in the shallow hole that i have allowed myself to wallow in.

i want to be gone from everything. i no longer want to be here. or anywhere people can hurt me. i'm done. i'm tired of it all. i just want everyone to leave me alone. you all make me hate myself more than i already do. i know i'm not good enough. i've got the point. just leave me alone. stop it, already. i'm done.

i've had a thought for awhile and wonder..why don't people post comments on my site? am i boring? hold no interest for others? but i know that must not be true. i know people who are on my site. and i know other people visit me, too, more than once, but yet, rarely a comment. i just wandered onto another site and someone had posted the same thing on her site. visits, but no comments. it's easy to be anonymous, just click the anonymous button. or be clever and make up a nickname, or use your initals. but then again, maybe i am boring....and in the need of attention.

every monday somewhere between 5 and 5:30, i get a call from a woman in the program. she calls with her whiney voice asking me if i'm going to the meeting tonight and if i can give her a ride. the first few times it was fine. i didn't mind picking her up; i liked her. i felt bad for her. she had a real tough go at things. we had the same sponsor. but after a while, things got old. i grew increasingly tired of not getting anywhere with the sponsor, so i found a new one, while she stayed with the same lady, yet would just whine about her situation.

there's a saying in aa, where one either is part of the problem, or part of the solution. she is part of the problem.

she likes to whine and hear her own voice. over easter, i picked her up and brought her a little easter basket. for her birthday, i picked her up and brought her a little gift. i was just being nice; a friend. yet all i ever got in return from her was whining. i called sometimes during the week, just to say hello, to reach out, like we're supposed to do, and i didn't get anything back from her either.

i soon realized that the only reason she calls me is for a ride. she lost her car because of her drinking, and feel bad for her situation, so help her when i can. but lately, i just can't. the last few times i've picked her up and taken her to the meeting, her boyfriend and another good friend have been there, both who could have given her a ride and who live a lot closer to her than i do. then, after the meeting so lollygags around, talking with everyone, not really caring if i have to go or not. i like to visit after the meeting, but usually, i'm hungry and want to get home. it takes me forever to get home after a meeting with her. and then usually, her boyfriend follows us to her place so he can spend the night. why oh why doesn't he just take her instead of me? she's not fooling anyone that they're dating, if that's what she thinks she's doing.

a few weeks ago she said she would ride her bike if i couldn't give her a ride, and so i didn't call her back. she only lives oh, about 1/2 mile a way from the meeting location. i'm tired of being used, which is exactly how i feel she is treating me. otherwise, she would call me for other reasons that just a ride.

i didn't go last monday because i wasn't feeling well, and she never called to see why i missed. i had mentioned not going to a few others and ran into them over the course of the week at other meetings and was told i was missed. i decided not to go today as i want to enjoy the remaining few hours of my day off. i won't be returning her call. someone else can play sucker to her whine.

so i just spoke to my dad. i told him how we went to the giants game and saw barry bonds hit 715. his response? "yeah, but he still has to beat the record. he didn't do anything great. he hasn't beat hank aaron, yet." um...what? yeah, right, because hitting 715 balls out of the park, passing babe ruth, that's not a big feat. see, he does this all the time. no matter what it is i say, he always has something else to say, something to make me feel like whatever it is i have told him, doesn't matter. it's still not good enough. when i was swimming in high school and said i place third in a race, he would say, "yeah, but you didn't place second. or first." it goes on and on. my mother is the same way. nothing is good enough. i hate it. i have always struggled with math. i'm a word person, not a number person. when i would get a 'c' on an exam that i studied hard for, she would say " just think what you could do if you really put in some effort." what? i studied my hardest. it just didn't come to me. it was hard for me. at my last job, when i told them all the responsibilites that i had, they said, "don't get an ego, now. you're not doing that much." nice. thanks for the encouragement. when i called a few weeks ago to tell them we're making some headway saving for a house, they said "well, you're not there yet. you still have a long ways to go." thanks. i know that. i was just trying to say that we're on our way. and no matter what i say, they never really hear what i'm saying. they always interrupt and tell me what they're thinking and how things should be done. why can't i have normal parents who are proud of me? and are happy for my accomplishments? the only thing they are proud of is the fact that i have stopped drinking. and the saddest part of that, is that is that they had no idea that i was drinking until i was home for my birthday, last september.

weekend wrap-up

it's a beautiful day....(insert u2 song here). i love days off and sleeping in. c. went to work this morning to catch up on things so i'm home alone with the kitty. the sun is shining, there's a law and order marathon on usa and the coffee is good. i'm not going to do anything today that requires effort.

we went to my friends wedding on saturday and it was really nice. the church was just up the street and the reception was down the road from our house, so we walked there. it was really windy, though. it got pretty chilly so i ended up wearing c's suit coat ~ah, the chivalry~. we sat with some other friends and had a great time.

yesterday we went to the giants game. we got there really early so we could get an omar visquel bobblehead. (they were giving them out to early arrivals at the game). we had great seats, thanks to my stellar research, and watched they boys warm up. it was great. i had a huge craving to have a beer, but of course, resisted. it was pretty strong, though. hot dogs and beer make perfect game day treats. but i had a soda instead. and a hot dog. and garlic fries. and an iced tea....mmmm...

the weather was awesome, too. the ball park shielded the wind, so it was just a warm sunny perfect day in sf. we parked at the ellis/o'farrell garage and took a cab down to the ball park. i love cabs. i don't know why. i grew to love them when i lived in sf. just something about living in the city, i guess. we walked the way back. it was hard not to go into any of the shops in union square. i don't know what was calling me more...the beer or the shopping! luckily, i resisted both.

c got really sunburned, but i just tanned. i thought i would burn, but i didn't. c turned a nice shade of crimson. he's got a wicked farmers tan going now. :)

the best part of the game was when Barry Bonds hit his 715th ball out of the park. it was great. he beat Babe Ruth's record of 714 and the crowd went absolutely wild. orange, black and silver streamers shot out the stands and fireworks went off behind the big screen scoreboard. it was pretty awesome. it was cool to be a part of history. it was great, actually. we'll even get an " i was there" pin if we show our game day ticket at one of the giants dugout stores. pretty cool.

so i had the strangest dream last night. jessica simpson was somehow my friend and was helping me revamp my wardrobe. oh, and nick leshay (sp?) was staying with me for a while. i have no idea what city this was taking place in, as everything looked odd to me. it was really bizarre. maybe i'm reading us weekly too much....

deep breath


so i'm home today just because i felt like taking a day off. it's so great. i got to sleep in and wake up to coffee already made and not a thing to do...well, i could clean the house and do laundry, but i don't want to get ahead of myself. the best part of being home right now is that i get to watch trashy tv. right now i'm watching maury. it's great. so trashy. like a bad car wreck, i can't look away.

big kitty just took a dump, so i guess i'll clean his box. again. he has found a secret hiding space somewhere in the house...and we have no idea where it is. sneaky sneaky.

i went to a much needed meeting last night. i hadn't been all week and i was pretty fussy (and wearing my new fussy shirt, of course!) so it really helped. it was a spiritual meditation meeting and was great. people with good sobriety usually attend and i get a lot out of going. i need to work on my spirituality some more and maybe i'll do that today. i seem to get lost a lot in that regard. i need to calm my inner voices and just relax. i've been really wound up this week and have no idea why. hopefully this time off (4 whole days!) will help....


"this is the real reason why i didn't want to get married in mexico!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol that she went with the full coverage bottoms."

So my friend who is getting married this summer in the Virgin Islands ~ the wedding we're not going to ~ sent this email today. WTF? Like this wouldn't happen in the Virgin Islands? Riiiiggghhhhtttt. It's being delusional grand?

today is my friday and i'm so excited. i'm taking tomorrow off and i have monday off so it's a 4 day weekend for me. woo hoo! this also means that i have a shit load of work to do today, but that's okay. if it means i get 4 days off, bring it on. well, maybe in a little bit bring it on. right now i don't wanna work. i just want to sit here and drink my coffee.

had a girlie evening last night and it was great. one of my girlfriends is getting married on saturday, so i took here to get a pedi and out to dinner. it was only her third pedi ever! i got a mani since i had just gotten a pedi two weeks ago and it still looked great. we had dinner at a fun little place here in town and it was great. i had butternut squash ravioli and it was sooo good. we had started with baked brie and that was yummy, too. she had two gimlet's and had me drive her home, because she's safe like that. i never would have done that after only two cocktails. so much to learn from those that drink like normal people do.

c was in a tizzy last night about finances. he wants to put more money into a 401k and less into the joint account. more into savings and less into the joint account. all he wants to do is save, which i know is good, but come on. we have to live, too. you can't just plan for the future. what happens if you don't make it to the future? but i love how he chooses to have these conversations with me just as i'm falling asleep for the night. grr.

this weekend we're going to my friends wedding on saturday and the giant's game on sunday. i want to take the ferry over so we don't have to pay a ton for parking. plus i think i'll be cool to go on the ferry. and i think it's only $12 roundtrip. the game is at 1:05 pm, so it'll be perfect. this will be my first sober baseball game. weird. beer, hotdogs and peanuts makes a perfect game. not anymore! guess i'll be drinking soda pop. didn't really think about that until now. i hope the weather will be good, though.

monday i have nothing planned, and i'm looking forward to that. i might get together with my sponsor, but we'll see. i really need to do some writing for one of the steps i'm working on. maybe i'll do that tomorrow with my free time. i want to have a nice, lazy day. maybe do some creative writing as well. i haven't done that in forever.

Manchmal will ich nur auf Deutsch schrieben, aber mein Deutsch is so schlect das ich denke veile leute kann garnichts verstehen!

Wenn ich eine kleines madchen war, meine Mutter hat zu mir eine lied gesuggen. so gehts:

guten morgen liebe sorgen,
seit ihr auch schon alle da?
habt ihr alle gut geschlafen?
ach das ist ja wunderbar!

Und das is genuch von mich. Alles verstanden? Gut.

Und Tschuss
Und Weg!


Whaddaya mean...no more turkey!?!?

some photos...



lunch with the girls back in September...



girlie afternoons are so much fun and i don't have them nearly enough!








At a party in March...



and his name was snowball, but my mom called him hops-a-lot, 'cause he did. she had a spinning wheel and used to spin his fur into yarn. he was buddies with our cocker spaniel, sierra. they were so cute together.

one of the best things about having a cat is the fact that c has finally learned to close the toilet seat after he is done. atticus finds the toilet amusing, so we have to keep the lid closed so he doesn't go in. we can't really keep him out of the bath tub, but that's not nearly as bad as the toilet. a minor victory for me, but a good victory.

Sick
by
Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

fng & tweedledee

so a fire alarm just went off here at work. it was loud and annoying, like fire alarms tend to be. the alarm only sounded a few times and since no one moved, i figured it was safe to stay where i was.

fng came out of her office, somewhat freaked out and said

"well, we better get moving"

um..where to?

"well, don't you hear the fire alarm? they don't go off for no reason, now."

um, yes they do. it's called a drill. haven't you ever been someplace where there's a fire drill? evidently not. when i worked at the capitol we had to walk so far away for our damn drills. it wasted a lot of time and i guarentee, people would have freaked out so much that the drill would have made no difference at all. but i digress.

it's just so odd to me that fng thought i had two heads when i said todays alarm was a drill. but, since no one moved from their desks, i have no idea what actually happened, nor do i really care.

on another note, i ended up having lunch the same time as tweedledee did. she and this other gal were talking about going to arizona together this weekend. a little odd.

then tweedledee commented that she's been going to the tanning salon for about a week now to get ready for the trip and that all she wants to do is lay out by the pool in her bathing suit. ewww. that would be fine is she was um...how do i put this nicely...not so gross.

i bet she will be wearing a two-piece suit, too.

she's very overweight and honestly believes she's a size 2. it's just wrong. i have a few girlfriends who are overweight and dress so nice and look great all the time. tweedledee is not one of these girls. he wears the most hideaously tight, short and awkward outfits when she clearly should not be.

i shutter to think what she will look like by the pool. a beached whale is what i am invisioning. yeah, yeah, i'm going to hell. but see, the difference is, she thinks she small and beautiful, when she's fat and ugly. she doesn't do herself any justice. she could totally look nice and put together, with outfits that actually are meant for size, but nope. she has to go and look like a fool. it's really sad because it so doesn't have to be this way at all.

sadly, i doubt there is any real hope for her as no one will say anything to her for fear of her sitting on them. that is just wrong!

so for the record, i wanna say that all the cool sites that i frequently visit, rock. and while i may not always make comments, i enjoy those left by others. it makes me happy. i love reading the randomness of peoples lives and feel comfort in knowing that there are others out there just like me. okay, maybe not just like me, but pretty similar at least.

and it's great to read about people in other parts of the country. sometimes i feel like california is such a wacky place and that everywhere else is normal. but i know that isn't so. people are nuts everywhere.

ha.

anywho, for anyone that thinks i'm stalking their site, i'm really not. i just enjoy it. plus, sometimes i just get so bored and need some amusement so i go to where i know i'll find some, so thanks for sharing your lives with those seeking something. seeking, what, i'm not sure, but something.

i have also learned so many things by just browsing around on other peoples blogs. inspiration come to me as well, and that's so helpful when i'm stumped with what to write online and off.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? damn good for 6:45 in the am.

2. When is the next time you will have sex? i don't exactly have it penciled in on my calendar or anything

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"? whore

4. Favorite planet? earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? my dad

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? just can't get enough by depeche mode

7. What shirt are you wearing? blue cap sleve shirt with a lighter blue sash right under the boobs

8. Do you "label" yourself? sassy

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? ros hommerson (random shoes i found on zappos)

10. Bright or Dark Room? dark unless it's natural light

11. Do you bite your nails? no

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping

13. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? it didn't say anything...it was just a photo of my friend's dog, sophie

14. What's a phrase that you say a lot? are you fucking kidding me!? yeah, i know...gotta work on the language

15.Who told you he/she loved you last? c

16. Last furry thing you touched? atticus, my kitty

17. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? hmm... nothing besides my perscriptions. ;)

18. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? none, just got them done, oh wait. there's one in my camera that's not finished yet...does that count?

19. Books you are reading? I'm no one you know by Joyce Carol Oates and In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

20. What is your current desktop picture? at work, the company logo; at home, plumeria

21. What was the last thing you said to someone? you're welcome

22. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you do? while i would love to be able to fly, i need the money more

23. Do you like someone? sure do

24. The last song you listened to? just walk away by kelly clarkson on my way to work this morning. great. now it's stuck in my head, again.

25. What's your favorite color to write with? whatever is handy

26. If you could punch 1 person in the face whos in your life right now, who would it be? one of my colleagues

27. What is the closest object to your left foot? my butt 'cause i'm sitting on my left foot.

28. What's the last thing you smelled? a rose on my colleagues desk

29. What did you eat for lunch? tomatoes, tuna, string beans and french fries

30. What's your favorite sound? silence


8 months sober today... what an unbelievable difference in my life.

words to live by

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."


So here's a photo of me and my girlfriends from college. We met up a few weekends ago and I hadn't seen them since college...oh, about 7 years ago. It was so fun to see them. We're all married now and as you can see, one of them has a baby now too. I am so lame because the battery in my camera (a 35mm film camera at that!) ran out months ago and I never replaced it so I had to buy one of those cheap disposable cameras. The photos didn't come out very well and they don't email well at all. The actual photos that I got developed look much like the one above. Very grainy and dark.

I am on a mission to get a digital camera asap. I would really like to get an elph. Maybe I can convince my dad to look for one for me. He loves to find bargins on technology. He got me my laptop for a great deal because he knows just where to look. He got me my first bose radio the same way, too. I'd love to have the digital before we go to Hawaii.

So I was supposed to do Bay to Breakers today. I decided not to go. I didn't have anyone to run it with, or walk as the case would most likley have been, and it's raining. And it's a huge drunk fest so I'm glad I opted out. One day I'll do it, though.

I went to a bridal shower in the City yesterday. It was at a Caribbean place and it was more like lunch with some lingere. There were only 9 of us, including the bride, her sister and her mom. One of my other girlfriends was there, too, but she and I aren't that close to the bride. The bride is a girlfriend of a guy C went to grad school with and my friend went to grad school with the groom as well. Anyhow, I mostly talked to my other girlfriend and we shared a bunch of tapas. The food was good. Everyone was mellow, so that was nice. I think only one of the other girls is actually going to the wedding (besides the sister and mom) since it's in the Virgin Islands. I didn't tell her that we're going to Hawaii this summer as I didn't want to hurt her feelings that we're goint to the Hawaii wedding and not to hers. She got some fun lingere and I had bought the same thing as another girl so she'll get to pick another outfit.

After the shower I hung out with my other girlfriend for a while. She has the most awesome apartment in the City. It costs her an arm and a leg, but that's what a good place in the City will do. She's thinking about moving, but at least she's lived there for a while so she got to live in the greatness for a while. But no matter where she lives, I know it'll be darling. She's just got that kind of personality.

It's totally pouring rain right now and it's lovely. Everything smells fresh and lush. I cut roses this moring from the garden and they're all over the house. But now we have to watch the crazy cat so he doesn't eat them. HA.

We had a wierd brunch at C's folks house earlier today. His brother was home for a wedding and since his bday is a few weeks away, his mom decided it were were going to celebrate today. So, we had another awkward visit. Luckily his mom wasn't drinking this morning, but it was still odd. We all sat in the living room and ate salmon and creme cheese on crakers while drinking orange juice out of wine glasses.

We made uncomfortable small talk and then moved to the dining room where seating was yet again assigned.

Surprisingly, I actually got to sit next to C today. That usually never happens. We had quiche and blackberry muffins. That was it.

Seriously. That was all that was served.

Gifts were opened and more awkwardness ensued. We gave him a funny card we made this morning and some money. I think both of the Grandmother's gave him money as well. Money is nice and all, but way to make an effort, people! We got out of there in less than 2 hours, so at least we have the rest of the day.

Since the cat woke us up at an ungodly hour this morning and it's raining so I'm not going grocery shopping, it's time for me to take a nap! Now where's my blanket?....

this just made me smile real big...from one of my friends...

Hello, luv’r. stopped by the SBP today as I always do to see what you’re up to, and it occurred to me: your parents have issues treating you like a beloved daughter and free-standing adult with her own life aspirations, and not some adopted pet from the pound. Your hubby is a non-talker who darts off to go hunting all the time, and your mother in law wont even pump her own gas.

No wonder you are a tweeker. Hee hee j/k.
:--)

Fish heads. Yuuuuuum.

xo

great words

i saw this poem on a wall at the bookstore yesterday. i've seen it before and really like it...

so you want to be a writer?
by
Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.
don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.
when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.
there is no other way.
and there never was.

fish heads


for some silly reason, this song just popped into my head....

fish heads, fish heads
roly-poly fish heads
fish heads,fish heads
eat them up, yum!


so i finished my book last night. again, i like the writing, but not so much the context. (sorry k, who recommended it to me) the gal, ashley, had a bridal shower, and was embarressed that it was to be a lingere shower. actually, she was more aghast than anything that someone would actually have something like that. i mean, come on. that is so normal to have one. i'm even going to one tomorrow. at a resturant for pete's sake.

anyhow, my whole take on this series is that it's too christian for me. i'm clearly not as conservative and naive as she is and never will be, nor do i understand that mentality. you can't go thru life being afraid of trying new things or of doing things that you don't understand.

it's like never leaving the town you grew up in. i can't understand that, either. regardless of how large or small your town is, you've got to get out at some point. get out, see the world, try new things, and then move back if you have to. you have to grow at some point. you have to learn to rely on yourself and not be so consumed by everyone else. you have to let go of your parents hopes and dreams and create some for yourself. on your own. without help. you don't have to travel the world, just get out of what you know and try something different. if you're stuck in a rut, do something to change it, don't just sit there and talk about it.

i have a few friends that have never left the city they grew up in, they still live either with their parents or really close to them, and have no desire to go anywhere else. i feel sad for them. maybe since i'm not that close to my own parents, maybe i just don't understand. but for some reason, i don't think that's it. what's even sadder, is that they haven't even really experienced the cities that they live in. they stay in their own little world, which i guess is fine, but they just don't realize that they are missing out on so much.

it makes their lives so small and closed. at least they're happy, i guess. ignorance is bliss, they say, but it's sad. there's so much they will never experience. i guess what's even sadder to me is that they look down their noses at the things they don't understand because they have never experienced them. and it's not just some of my friends who do that, it's people in general.

my mother-in-law is like that as well, but she is a totally different story all together. can't (and won't) even pump her own gas, for christ sake! but i won't start on her right now. i don't have enough time, or energy for that.

mumblings


so i just ordered myself the best t-shirt...it's red and has says fussy across the chest. so perfect! i can't wait for it to arrive. i ordered it off another blog that i frequent, fussy, and it's great. too bad i can't wear it to work. heh.

so today is mr. fp's bday. i was nice and went and got him some dark chocolate 'cause i know how much he likes it and we've been getting along much better these days. i also went and got a card for everyone to sign, which is normal. anyhow, i guess i pissed someone off by getting the card as someone else was intending to do so. well, since she hadn't done so by 10 am, i took the initiative to do so. besides, mr. fp is my boss, not hers. anyhow, he loved the chocolate and was very kind and thankful.

so now, we just got some lame email about a birthday coordinator group. they want everyone in the department to contribute $20 so we can all participate in everyone's birthday. lame. i don't want to pay to hang out with people i don't like. i'm fine with just signing a card, wishing a colleague a happy birthday, and leaving it at that. if i like a colleague a little more, and will then get them something on my own, like i have done for mr. fp today and another gal a few months ago. i don't like being forced into something like that, so i'm protesting and not participating.

speaking of birthday's i just went and bought mr. fp a princess cake. he wanted to get a yummie cake and i offered to take him 'cause he didn't have his car today. when we got to the pastry shop, i decided to spring for it 'cause it's silly to have to buy your own cake and we're getting along much better these days and i also LOVE pirincess cake. i had them write 'happy birthday' on it for him, too. i can't wait to have some later.

this place is so kooky, i swear, but i'm trying really hard not to let it bother me anymore. they're not worth my time or energy.

so i've been reading this new-to-me series about this gal, Ashley Stockingdale, and i have mixed reviews. i like the story and the way it is written, but it's a little too christian for me. while i am spiritual and believe in a higher power, the book is a bit much. the gal in the book is 31 and still a virgin, doesn't drink and is really conservative. i can't relate to any of that and it just makes me think that she's missing out on so much. but, she has a cool job, a great car and a great shopping habit ~ much like mine ~ so there are things i like about it. her family is quirky and reminds me of mine so i like that, too.

reading puts me in a good place. i love reading about different places and different people, especially when their lives are different than mine, but i do like to be able to relate to them too.

eek...late for a meeting...gotta run!

mmm

mmm...mochker good. hits the spot. yeah, the one right there, the chocolaty mochker spot. yum.

hmmm

coffee good. mochker better. must have mochker today. don't want to walk across the street to get one, though. big delima. must gain motivation to go get one. mmmm.

could not get out of bed, again, this morning. crazy cat was meowing so damn loud this morning. started way too early. had to get up and shush him, but then didn't want to get up. bed was too warm. the fog had rolled in last night to the land was blanketed with white fluff. made it to work only 2 mintues late today. don't want to be here, want to be back in bed. with a mochker.

the weekend can't come soon enough. this week is dragging. going to the city this weekend. supposed to do a race on sunday, but don't know if i want to anymore. it's bay to breakers and it's sort of a mess, and a big drunk fest, so don't know if i want to deal with that at 7 in the am. we'll see. have a girlie afternoon on saturday then staying the night in the city for fun. c might come down and join me at the hotel. that would be nice, like a mini holiday. maybe if he does, i won't do the race. race is a loose term, as i won't really be running since there will be way too many people. and it might rain this weekend. definitly don't want to do it in the rain.

ha. i wrote do it.

okay, going to get a mochker now. have the strength.

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.


Lord, grant that I may
seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.


For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.


It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.



so this past week, we got invited to yet another wedding. this time it's one of c's friends and he's know the guy since they were in grammer school. and they guy was in our wedding. so they're close. the wedding is in less than two months....in HAWAII! what is it with all these destination weddings? we just said no to the one in the virgin islands, finally, and now this one comes up. but, the most exciting news is that we actually get to go! i searched and searched and found a great deal on a trip. we'll go for 6 days and 5 nights and i can hardly wait. as soon as c gave me the go ahead ~which is miraculous in and of itself~ i got everything squared away.

THIS is where we're staying. c is excited that it's close to where magnum p.i. was filmed. i'm just excited. and the trip is soo affordable. i can't believe it. we'll have it all paid off before we go, and that's so great. it will cost us 1/3 of what the virgin islands trip would have cost us and for double the amout of time. we just need to keep it on the down low so the other friends don't find out...which shouldn't be so hard as they don't know each other what so ever.

the weather has turned hot here and i love it. it was about 92 yesterday. no spring, just summer. fine by me! i'm just so tired of the rain...as long as it's gone, i'm a happy one. my roses are going crazy and there are birds everywhere. we can hardly keep the bird feeders full.

we went to dinner at c's parent's house last night and his mom was trashed, as usual. i'm getting so tired of it. i know i'm more sensitive to it since i stopped drinking, but she really is out of control. it's just obnoxious. she always has a head start on everyone before we get there, then just continues to drink and drink and drink while we are there. she gets feisty, and not in the good way, and slurs her words so you can barely understand her. it's really uncomfortable. she's such a trainwreck. i'm just glad i don't have to see her that often. i feel bad for c because he has had to deal with that his whole life.

my mom was actually very kind these past few days. i sent her flowers and a pound of kona coffee (her favorite and kind of hard to find) for mother's day and she left me two very nice voice mail messages. i almost saved them, they were so nice. i think she's looking forward to retiring at the end of june. i hope that's what it is. she didn't really complain at all this week, and that's good. i wonder how she'll be after she stops working. hopefully she'll get some rest. only time will tell, that's for sure.

we watched walk the line last night. what an awesome movie. i love reese, and now have a new fondness for joachin pheonix. i love movies like that.

well, i better get some work done. mr. fp isn't here today, so it's not so fussy around here. whew. nice for a monday.

so yesterday i had dinner with lestat. he came up to see me and since i had avoided his visit for the past few months, i knew i couldn't hold out any longer. i was nervous to see him as i haven't seen him since i stopped drinking and didn't know if i could handle him without the comfort of an elixir to calm me down. i wandered around a bit and found a nice bench in the sun to relax on before he arrived. i called a girlfriend and chatted for a bit and that helped a lot.

i saw him drive by and park near me, but he didn't see me, about 20 minutes before we were to meet. my stomach fluttered with butterflies as i took in the sun and the breeze. i wandered around and took the long way to the restaurant. i arrived before he did and took a seat on the front patio and ordered a nice, cool club soda.

he wandered up and gave me a hug. i felt okay behind the table and out in the open air. we chatted like old times and not much had changed with him; still egotistical, political and arrogant. traits that i came to despise. he's definitly not the man i first met way back when. my nerves were calm and i tried not to hold direct eye contact for any length of time. he talked a lot about himself, which was fine, as it let my mind wander to other thoughts. he updated me on people i knew in my former life and asked me if i kept in touch with any of them. only a few, i said.

he had bought another car, another honda, and i acted excited for him, but could really care less. he acted all big and mighty, but he's just another state worker to me. his life is so fake to me that i don't know how i was sucked in in the first place. but then again, that was my past life. fast, furious, on top of the world ~ or so i thought at the time. i can't believe i used to be like that. i'm so glad i moved on from that.

i'm glad we met up so i could see what i am not missing. that life is gone and i have no regrets and no remorse. i do not want to be a politico anymore and do not miss being in the midst of it all at all. those people were never really my friends and they didn't help me get anywhere that i couldn't have gotten all by myself anyway. most of them aren't even making much of themselves, and the ones that are, are few and far between.

lestat will do fine at his government job, each one of them, as he changes jobs about once a year. well, maybe even more than that. it's just too bad that they all go to his head. just a little power, and poof, he's out of control. it's sad, really. but, that's the way the political world is.

he told me a story of how he went to the LA area for business and met with one of the big political guys down there and asked for a good place for lunch, where the locals go, and was directed to this big fabulous eatery on top of a hill. he was dissapointed that he wasn't directed to some great hole in the wall locals only type of place. when i told him that the politicos down there were out more to impress people rather than anything else, he looked at me like i had two heads. like i had no idea what i was talking about and that i had no idea about the LA political scene. um, okay guy. oh yeah, i forgot. you grew up in fresno and i grew up in LA, so you're right. you know way more about LA than i do. silly me.

anyhow, i'm so glad that it's all over. i did my deed, had dinner, and now i can go on with things. i declined his offer for a ride to my car, he gave me a half assed hug ~ the one arm sort ~ and drove away. i strolled back to my car, a soft breeze at my back, and was glad to get home to c.

so my upper arms are killing me today. in fact, i'm selling tickets to my gun show. want one? heh heh. i lifted so much yesterday, that my guns are getting big.

yesterday, i worked for seven hours straight, with no breaks, delivering things to various rooms on property. at least i had flats on. but i was wearing black slacks, so that sucked since it was so hot out and i was outside a lot.

anyhow, it was all overtime pay for me, so that's awesome. plus, i get extra money for all the deliveries i made, so that's great, too. i'm just thrown off now, thinking that it's tuesday rather than monday.

and flowergirl came by a day early, too, so that really threw me off.

but, she brought me my most favorite flowers in all the world...sterling roses. the are the best, ever. and she brought me some gorgous red and yellow ones too. yipee.

mr. fp let me come in an hour later today which was so awesome. that hour makes such a difference in the morning. i hate getting her at 7, even though that means i get to leave at 3:30.

Okay...so a close friend of the family just had her second baby. The other day I send her a gift from her registry. Today she sent me an email. This is what it said:

Hey Mischka! (her nickname for me from when we were kids) Thank you very much for the cool and awesome diaper bag. Great minds think a like. I already bought one. Do you mind if W (her husband) uses it for caring his gun cleaning stuff? If not then I can always return it if you want me to.

wtf? just say thank you and that's that. maybe you haven't heard of it before, but it's called tact. get some.

oh, and there's a reason you have a registry...so people buy stuff for you from it.....

people really do amaze me.

so yesterday was great. it was SO good to see my girlfriends. the day went by in a flash and i was sad when it was over. we poured through pictures from college and had lot's of great laughs. i can't believe how silly we looked, and we thought we had it all together! two of us had big ol' glasses on..thank god we discovered contacts!

and i won't even start on our clothes. we had gone through a 'cowgirl' stage and those rough riders (jeans) were so high, they practically went up to our boobs! it was funny. so glad we have much better fashion sense now!

the baby was darling, he's only 2 months old. makes me sort of want to have one too. sort of. i still have to deal with the biggest baby of all, c.

he has allergies really bad right now, but refuses to take allergy medicine because he doesn't like to take anything. grrr. he need more than just claritin, but won't admit it. so now i have to suffer because he is so full of snot all the time.

i'm at work right now and it's so pretty out that i wish i wasn't here. not like i ever wish to be at work, of course, but it would be better if it wasn't so damn nice out. but, at least i got to sleep in today. mr. fp is only a little fussy so far, but the day is young. we've already had a little drama this morning, but it quickly passed. well...there goes my cell phone...

flash back!

so i'm getting ready to see two of my girlfriends from college. i haven't seen one of them since my wedding, almost three years ago, and the other one in seven years. i'm driving over to one of their houses, which incidently, is right where i used to live and the sad thing is we never go together when i lived there, and we're going to lunch. the other friend was in town all week for a work seminar.

anywho i'm really looking forward to seeing them.

i'm bringing photos of a trip two of us went on years ago. it's so fun to see how much we've changed. and all for the good, too. we had short hair, big glasses and some crazy style. i'm bringing my camera today, too.

one of the girls has a baby and all of us are married. pretty wild.

i'm going to be only a few block away from where lestat lives, so hopefully i won't run into him, or i'll never hear the end of it.

k...gotta run. will write more later!

gross

ewwww! gross! one of my colleagues just totally snotted into a tissue then threw it in the recycle bin.

that's for paper, you moron! not your snot rag.

i'm definitly not taking out the recyling today! this is also the same colleague that takes his daily constitutional at 1 pm every day with magazine in hand. that's just wrong. it's especially wrong that people know about it because it is every day at the same time. and he's in there forever.

yikes!

eeeek. so there's a group here that's going to do a wine tasting and i was just helping set up a bit. they are selling wine cubes at target that are comparable to other wines in the bottle at the same price point. each wine cube holds the equivalent to 4 bottles of wine and will last in the fridge for 4-6 weeks.

are you kidding me?

i could drink that wine cube in one sitting! just looking at it made me want some. i could almost taste the wine.

i had to get out of the room as soon as i smelled the wine. the wine bottles that were there didn't bother me, as they were lined up like little soldiers on the table, just waiting for their orders. but the wine cubes, with their relaxed 'come here and take a load off' look, beconed me to come hither.

i had to run far far away to not hear their call. i'm now safely back at my desk with chocolate.

oh, good chocolate. you are my savior.

i am sensing a pattern within myself. i think, i dwell, i write. i am inside my head entirely too much these days. maybe it's the fact that I'm not drinking anymore that leaves me with such clarity. it leaves me with something, that's for sure. i'm trying to write more than just random thots, but that's all i've got right now. guess that's better than nothin.

i have also been spending entirely too much money these days. i think i have substitued my drinking for shopping. well, that and since i moved here i have undergone a whole life make over. new outlook, new job, new clothes...the only constant is that i have kept my friends.

well, most of them anyway. the ones that i drank a lot with don't really contact me anymore, but that's okay. they were just drinking buddies anyway. funny how that works. either that, or they contact me for favors. i hate that. sure, i'm in a position now to offer deals to my friends, but don't just call me for a deal. call me because you like me and want to hang out with me. then ask me for a deal. i've already offered it to you. but you have to at least act like you want to hang out with me. and i don't mean the few of you who actually read this...it's the others that don't that constantly ask.

lestat has been contacting me a bit these days as well and he'll be up in the area some time next week. he wants to get together. we'll see how that goes. maybe for an early dinner or something. he mentioned drinks, but i had to remind him, again, that i don't drink anymore. not even wine? he asked. um, no, idiot. especially not wine.

so some jackoff just set of a sprinkler system here at work. he hung a hanger from one of the fire sprinklers in and it set off the system and totally flooded three rooms, from the third floor down to the first. what a fucking moron. i mean, really. who is handing out brains these days?

yippee! one of my colleagues just brought me a mochker. mmm. chocolate. chocolate good. this is going to help the fussy day that is upon me. everyone here is in a mood. mr. fp is just flamming today. er...i mean that in a hot way...err...no in a i'm going crazy and about to explode way. he is gay, which makes it even worse. he's amusing, actually, but not when it's at my expense, like it often is.

i just want to douse him in lavender. i already doused one of the fashion victims. i accidently got some on her face, though. oops.

what is wrong with me???

spoke to my dad yesterday. he's really proud of me for not drinking. he never tells me he's proud of me, so this is pretty special (and not in a short bus way, either). he even asked if i'm going to aa, which is cool. he used to ask if i was staying off the sauce, but now i think he understands how serious it is, which i'm glad of.

it's hard to connect with my parents so it's nice when they are receptive to me. we are in such different worlds that it really feels good when i can get through to them on deeper levels.

i have been wondering about my biological parents more and more these days. with this new found sobriety, i just wonder what is in my genetic make up. i was a bit of a mess growing up and wonder if i have anything in my past that makes me the way i am today. i mean, was anyone crazy or mental? was anyone an alcoholic? did anyone die of any health related issues, like heart dieases or cancer?

happy may day

i so did not want to get up this morning. i had washed the sheets and put them on the bed just before bedtime last night so i had an extra delicious sleep last night. everything was so fluffy and comfy and c was in a good mood, extra cuddly, so i really didn't want to leave my warm nest. even atty was quiet. but, alas, i got my lazy ass out of bed.

i took a long bath last night with new bath salts so i didn't have to get up and shower this morning. the weather was fantastic this past weekend ~ the 80's all weekend. i washed my car yesteday for the first time in i can't even remember how long. it was so nice to be out in the sun. my shoulders are a bit red today, but it's well worth it. my car is smiling so big right now.

c planted a veggie garden yesteday and i'm so excited. hopefully everything will take. my roses are about to bloom.

i went on a hunt with c on saturday. now, i normally never go, but this time i decided it would be fun. we went at about 4:30 in the afternoon up to his friend's ranch. we rode a 4 wheeler around, scouting for turkeys. we got off after a while and hiked up a mountain. it was soo steep. we walked almost 2 miles. it was so awesome up there. we a few turkeys, but c didn't fire a shot. and we saw tons of bunnies. he's not allowed to shoot those. ever. the view was amazing. he even held my had when parts got really steep. i told him that meant a lot to me ~ the handholding ~ because it showed to me that he cared. that he wanted me to be there. it's just the small things like that that mean so much to me.

mr. fp is on fire today. he always gets this way when he has a big group in. luckily, things between us are better and we're working quite well together these days. at least i think things are better...i try to have my lavender mist on hand to spray at him when he gets a little fussy. or a lot fussy. it's my secret weapon, and surprisingly, it works pretty well. others are now asking for a spritz when they are a bit fussy. anything i cand do to help, folks. that's what i'm here for.

tweedledee showed up in the most hideous outfit today. she looks like a german reject girl. she's wearing a black pleated skirt with a flower pattern cut into the bottom (luckily, the skirt goes to her knees this time), a white top and a white bolero type jacket with a different flower pattern cut into the sleeves and bottom, all outlined in clear sequins. to top all that off, she's not wearing stockings, something that is required of us, and that is just hideous. her legs are enormous and very white, so it's really bad. she's so excited by her outfit today that she's doing little twirs around the office. it's not a pretty picture. at all.

i commented to her that she's not wearing any stocking, and she said

"well, i put on self tanner, so i figure as long as my legs are shaved and moisturized, it's okay."

eww. no, it's not. her legs totally jiggle every time she moves. it's so bad. she is so large that her whole outfit is inappropriate. but no one has the courage to say anything to her because she is so damn sensitive that she would probablly break down into tears.

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