what a friggen day. again. i was ready to walk...well, i've been ready. i've had it. i went and talked to someone about a job in another department at work and we'll see where that leads. i'm really tired of it all.

i'm supposed to meet with mr. fp tomorrow afternoon to chat about things and i'm afraid i might just walk out. i will try to restrain myself. i'm also going to talk to another friend, after lunch sometime, to see if we can come up with some sort of solution. i really don't think there is one, but we'll see what comes of our conversation.

i went home and had a total girlie afternoon. on my way home i had a cigarette, then when i got home, i sat in my underwear and a tank top, ate ice cream out of the carton and watched a britney spears movie. after my ice cream was done, i ate cheesy poofs. i don't know the last time i did all that. it made me feel better, though.

c came home a little bit ago and had a bit of a day himself. we actually sat and talked about things for a while, which was really good.

i think something died under the house again, this time under my office, so it smells a bit in here. hopefully it's the evil gopher that has been plaguing our yard and veggie garden. he has attacked our pumpkins and i think we might loose 2 of the 4 we planted and i'm SO bummed! damn gopher!!

yay! i got to sleep in this morning. it was so glorious. c got up at the ass crack of dawn to scout for deer since the season is starting soon. way too early, but, that meant that i could sleep without him being noisy upon waking. i slept until a little after 9 am, when he came home to get his guns so he could head out to the shooting range. i got up and made coffee and played with the cat. i have absolutely nothing planned this weekend and it feels GREAT.

i got a few treats in the mail yesterday; new moisturizer and a top i had ordered, some magazines and a card from a girlfriend. i love getting stuff in the mail. well, stuff besides bills, that is. which i need to pay today, but that's a different story.

the weather has cooled down and i am loving every moment of the coolness. right now it's still foggy out. i'm going to work out in the garden in a bit. the heat wave took a tool on mostly everything so i need to give things a little tlc.

that's all i've got for now, but i'm sure i'll write more later...

mr. fp is on a roll today. he is such a complete ass. so, my job search is in full swing, again.

i just wish i lived in an area with more opportunity. i did have an opportunity arise the other day, however, the place i had the offer from would be even more of a nightmare to work at than here, so no thank you on that. plus, i'm very close to the family and that's never a good idea to get involved in something like that.

so, i'm still at square on one the job search. humph. the classifieds aren't giving me much and i haven't heard to much else around the area, but i need to get out sooner than later. this place is slowly killing me. okay, mabye that's a bit dramatic, but i'm not happy here whatsoever and need to leave. soon.

i've only made a few dollars on my greeting cards so that can't really sustain me, yet. i haven't tried to publish anything, so i'm not getting anywhere on that, either. maybe this weekend i'll get something going. what, exactly, i'm not sure, but just something.

my girlfriend, w, and i have talked about opening a business for a several years now and we just need to come up with something. we're getting together next weekend so maybe we can get something into place.


what a day today turned out to be. after i left work, i went to get my eyebrows done since they were starting to take over my face. as i was leaving the salon, one of the gals called out to me as i was walking across the parking lot and asked me to stay and chat for a while. she was having some trouble with some things and wanted my opinion. she's a really nice lady, and also my bikini waxer, so we've shared some moments, to say the least. it did feel good to be sought to chat with, though. we decided to have lunch sometime soon.

after i left i went to a kitchen store in town ~ those type of stores always seem to get me in trouble ~ and found a coffee maker. i ended up getting the same one we already had. i also bought a small caraff that keeps coffee warm, a mini sauce pan for melting butter on the stove as we don't have a microwave and a simple white milk pitcher. i'm happy with my purchases. when i got home i fired up the coffee maker and had a delicious cup of coffee. the caraff works really well, too, as of course, i had to test that out as well.

i ended up reading for a bit later in the afternoon and ended up falling asleep. big surprise, i know. anyhow, i woke up at 7:05, so i was not able to go to a meeting i had planned on going to at 7. but that's okay. i've gone to 2 already this week and will probablly go on saturday. c is getting weird about me not going to enough meetings, but whatever. it's not his program that i'm working. it felt good to nap as today was stressful. besides, i only really napped for about 45 minutes, so it really wasn't that long at all.

later i took out the trash since tomorrow's trash day and cleaned up the house. i have a huge pile of shoes on my office floor, but i plan on leaving them there as i had rediscovered a bunch of shoes that i had forgotten about and want to wear them before i forget about them again. the weather has finally cooled down and right now it's a little chilly even. it's the first time i've had to put a sweatshirt on in forever. it's nice, though.

i don't have any plans for the weekend and am very glad for that. since deer season is starting soon, c has all sorts of plans this weekend so i know i'll have some good free time for myself. tomorrow after work i'm going to help out at a art festival in town. my work has a booth and i offered to volunteer.

c's response when i told him? ' oh, so i guess you're going to miss the meeting tomorrow, then.' um, yeah. i am. good lord. there's more to life than those damn meetings. i swear. i'm sober and happy. isn't that enough? things will fall into place all in good time. don't push me or rush me, damn it. humph.

ah happiness. what is true happiness for me? to live somewhere peaceful and serene with all my friends. someplace where there is culture, entertainment and laughter to be found at any given moment.

i just wish that someplace was closer to where i am now because i feel so far from it. my friends are the only ones who keep me going but sometimes that's just not enough. i just had a break down at work and my home life feels like it's a mess. i need to make some changes, but i just don't know where to start.

i just want to crawl under a rock and cry. i really do. i'd like to find some nice arms to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. unfortunatley, that's not going to happen anytime soon.

i've hit a wall at work and at home. i don't know what direction to go in. i feel like i have talked and talked and talked and i'm not getting anywhere. c thinks everthing is fine and that i'm just overreacting to things. he never takes what i say seriously.

work expects me to be in 10 directions at the same time and gets mad whenever i'm not in the right direction at the right time. ggggrrrrr.

that rock is looking better and better. i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i'm just feeling frustrated. i just don't know where to turn any more.

such a sad day. our coffee maker is officially dead. funny, so is my little battery operated friend. (and no, it doesn't just need new batteries. i checked.)

hmm...maybe they got together and blew each other out! it's the heat that's making me think this way, i swear!

anywho...i'm off to buy a new coffee maker after work tomorrow.

we'll see about my other little friend and when i'll get around to replacing that. ;)

new mantra

a good friend reminded me that i need to take care of myself and reminded me of words that were so eloquently put by billy shakespeare, "Self-love is not so vile a sin as self-neglect." i need to make this my mantra and say it often. and practice it as well.

and i need to stop touching my forehead with the darn robin's egg. it even hurts when i furrow my brow. i guess i really am a mess! but hey, as long as i'm not a dallas fort worth, i'm in good shape. :)

i bought new shampoo ~pureology~ this weekend and my hair is so deliciously yummie. i can't stop touching it. now if only i can keep c's grubbly little hands off of my bottles.....he doesn't understand the concept that a little goes a long way.

must. get. him. some. other. kind. so. he. leaves. mine. alone.

yeah, um so i'm a total retard. the only coolness in our house comes from a little air conditioner box that sits in one of the living room windows. so, last night we moved a mattress into the living room so we could sleep in a somewhat cool room. at about 4 in the morning, i decided to get up and go to the real bed.

one would think this is a good idea. if one could make it to the bed without smacking into anything. i, on the other hand, decided it was a good reason to smack right into the bedroom doorjam. i now have a friggen robin egg on my forhead. and it hurts like a muther. it's a bit red, too. thank god i have bangs.

then, this morning, i couldn't get out of bed so the shower was a bit of an experience. i had bought new cheap razers yesterday ~the handles smell like lavender, so that should have been the first indication that they wouldn't work so well ~ and totally cut up my leg. ouch. i never do that. back to the more expensive brand.

plus, i ended up getting to work 30 minutes late today. okay, more like 38 minutes. hopefully work will be better than the last few hours have been!

day two of africa heat. i think it was about 1 degree cooler than yesterday, but not in our house, that's for sure. c and i been arguing the past two days and i'm so sick of it. he's more cranky because of the heat and takes everything out on me. we got in to it several times and finally decided to not talk for the rest of today. he left the house shortly before noon, and believe me, it was none to soon.

i cleaned the house and took off around 2. i had to get out of that house. i ended up going to rite and aid and payless mostly to get out of the heat and into the air conditioning. i also wanted to check out some shoes that i saw a gal wear at work earlier this week. i ended up finding them and was pleased.

one of my friends called to see what i was up to and asked if i wanted to grab a bit to eat. i did, so i headed down to the plaza where i sat outside on a patio and had sparking water while i waited. it was so friggen hot. i sweat instantly. but it was okay. much better than being at home, that's for sure.

the place we had met at had closed their kitchen, so we headed a few doorsteps down for a bit. it was so delightful. we had great converstaion. it's amazing to be with someone who actually listens to what i have to say, askes questions about me and really wants to hear my answers.

around 5 i headed off to the grocery store where i ran into a few more friends. the coolness of the store lasted about 5 minutes before it was hot again.

well, that and i was having fantasies about some hot french guy. oh la la. oh, yeah. just talk french to me. i don't care what you say...just talk.

oh, sorry. my mind wandered again.

c called several times while i was at the store to see where i was, and could i bring home this and that. i got home around 6 and we headed to granny's for a swim. it was so good in the pool. i dried off pretty much as soon as i got out. now we're just at home, not talking. nice.

maybe i'll just let my mind wander again... :)

africa hot

as one of my favorite people says, it's africa hot today. i swear to god i'm melting. it has to be at least 108 outside right now. i have a fan blowing directly on me. at least the air is moving even if it's not much cooler. i'm eating ice cream so that's helping, but it's melting so fast. i'm listening to great songs on my ipod so i keep getting up to dance in front of the mirror. yes, i do that. and yes, i have been caught several times. all i can say is my hips don't lie...

i went and got my hair done this morning. it's so pretty...i love it. too bad i don't have anywhere to go to show off my new 'do.

c is over at his friend's house practicing for a baseball game. a bunch of guys he went to high school with play the high school all start team in a few weeks. they played last year. the proceeds of the game go to the high school athletic department. it's funny seeing these guys try to relive their glory days. last year the hs boys totally kicked their asses. it was great. they were all so excited to be playing under the lights at the baseball field here in town. talk about it being a big deal.

i have nothing to do this weekend AND I LOVE IT! i just downloaded a bunch of new songs so i'm jamming to those and trying to stay cool. i have to work on some greeting cards and maybe clean the house. that's it. and that's all i'm gonna do. so there.

words

words can be kind can change my mood instantly with a simple 'hello' or damage my day by a simple 'goodbye', all depending on who says them. or as the case maybe sometimes be, writes them. words can be harsh and demanding or soft and endearing. words sometimes do speak louder than the actions that may precede them. on the other hand, words are often just spoken into the air without any intention of an action to follow.

it always amazes me how quickly my mood can change just based upon what someone says ~ or writes ~ to me. i guess i'm just sensitive like that.

small and alone

it's interesting the things that people pick up on. i had lunch with a colleague at work today who asked if i'm a happy person. i told him that deep down i'm not, but that i try to do my best to keep a happy face. he said he could tell. i almost cried. i guess it just really touched me that he would notice something like that, or would care to notice, at that.

i've tried my whole life to hide the fact that i'm not happy. well, i shouldn't say it like that. i am a happy person, i just live in my head too much, so that makes me sad. i have had the random things occour in my life that gets me down, but sometimes those times just seem to stick around longer than the good times. i also feel really alone, and always have.

i was talking to another colleague yesterday about family, and it was really interesting. i have no roots and that bothers me. i start with myself. there is no history before me that i have any knowledge of. being adopted is really a difficult thing at times. especially since i have never had any sort of close relationship or bond with anyone.

sure, i have great friends, and i love them all, but i still don't have that one person that i can lean on when everything in my life is a topsy turvy mess. i'm not close to my parents in that kind of way and can never imagine myself being so either. i can't really talk to either of them about anthing really personal, or heck, anything even to do with pop culture. c doesn't care about what i have to say most of the time, so that just leaves me. sure, i have fantastic friends who i count on, but it's different when there isn't anyone else. or at least to me it's different. i feel sad that i don't have a history.

my colleague yesterday said i need to have a baby so i can make roots for myself and that would be a good start. maybe she's right. so often i just feel so lost and different that everyone around me. i don't know where i come from, what is in my past or what lies before me in the future, especially medically speaking. i've tried to search for my biological family, but the state has my records sealed and my mom is not the most supportive. when i tell her i want to look, she tells me that i don't love her anymore and that she's not good enough for me. it's hopeless to talk to her. plus, if i did want to get my records unsealed, i would have to have both of them and a judge sign my petition. like that will happen.

*sigh*

thankfully, i have an open mind and love new experiences, but i really do wish i knew some other things. maybe that's why i have the need for people to like me, so i feel that i belong somewhere. but i want people to like me for who i am and not for any other reason. i know i rub some people the wrong way ~and others very much the right way ~ but i do just want to belong somewhere.

sassy thursday

i'm feeling extra sassy today. one of my girlfriends gave me a really fun green cord blazer yesterday and today i'm wearing it with a black lacy cami, a black flowy skirt, nude fishnet stockings and black prada heels. i recently had my hair cut with some fun layers and i curled them a bit today. i feel so sassy! i've already gotten a few compliments and i've only been at work an hour.

after work i'm going to the spa to get a massage. i can't wait. i haven't had a massage in so long. my appointment isn't until 5, so i'm going to lay out by the spa pool until it's time to go to the magic hands of the fantastic massuse. the guy i go to is great. and since it's all here at work, i don't have to go far at all.

last night i went to dinner and a movie with my friend, d. we saw you, me and dupree. it was better than i thought it would be and i would actually recommend it. it was great to actually get out and do something besides sit at home or just go to a meeting.

saturday i'm going to get my hair done, but just highlighted because i recently got it cut. i get to see my other friend, w, for lunch after and i'm excited about that. i haven't seen her in a while so we both have a lot to catch up on. we chat on email and on the phone, but that's just not the same as getting together with someone.

when i got home yesterday from work, c had left me a note that there was ice cream for me in the freezer. my favorite kind, too: hagan daas pineapple coconut. it was soooo yummie. and so sweet of him. i don't get treats from him very often so this was super nice.

oohh...just got another compliment on my outfit! yeah!

stuff

i went to get my nails done after work today. i was hoping to get a nice, deep burgundy, but instead had to settle for something a hookerish purple. when i turned the bottle over to check out the actual color, it said kinky. nice. now i really feel like a hooker. only not.

i took c to get a pedi since his feet are so torn up due to running. he started to get fussy when i got the mani, but since i drove and had the car keys, he had to wait. it didn't take long, but i swear the man has no patience.

i headed to the store and did our weekly shopping. i feel like i really didn't get anything, yet still managed to spend $134. how does that happen?

one of my friends at work commented today that i'm a flirt. i know i am, but only in a good, non threatening way. but, his comment still stuck with me. i know that i flirt more when i receive positive advancements back, like a friendly smile or fun banter. i don't get that flirting at home. i don't get much affection at home. there's no sweetness, no doing something for me just because, no kind words without a but follow up: you look nice today, but those shoes are tacky. thanks for doing the dishes, but you forgot to take out the trash. dinner was awesome, but you didn't do the dishes.

*sigh*

it makes me sad, really.

but, i have started to make some friends here in town. flowergirl still remains a friend, and she's great. i have two friends at work and they both told me how much they missed me when i was off for holiday. they even left me messages and we have lunch together. i have hung out with one of them outside of work and she's great. we even figured out today that we wear pretty much the same size so we can share clothes, which is so great. i hope to hang out with the other one, too. sometimes we sing to our ipods at lunch. it's great. each of us has an earpiece in and we sing out to each other. we don't care what others think, even though they seem to get a kick out of us.

i've also made friends with two of the boys at work. we don't hang out outside of work, but we're definitly friends at work. both of them know about my sobriety and are both proud of me. i share stuff with them that i don't share the others (except the girls i mentioned above) and they like me just the same. plus, we have similar humor and thoughts. it's fun when they're around as well, since they don't take life so seriously. they both are at the top of their respective departments and you wouldn't know it by talking to them since they are both so down to earth and normal. it's so nice. they kind of make up for the boys i left behind at my old job. sort of, but not quite.

i've put my ipod on shuffle and i'm so enjoying the songs that are coming out. i have such a mix...it just went from duran duran to sarah mclachlin to a clip from office space about hawaiiain shirt friday to smashing pumpkins to leann rimes and now it's on sublime. nice.

so our house is painted. the color has gone from whitish grey to mossy green/grey. but the really sad part is that THEY PAINTED OVER MY RED DOOR. now i have a mossy green/grey door. i'm so sad. i LOVED the red door. that was the first thing i noticed about the house. *sigh* they did a really fast job on the house. it looks good from a distance, but when you get up close, you start to notice things, like the fact that they pained over the black house numbers. so now, you can't see them from the street. nice. and they painted over several electrical sockets outside, so yep, no more plugging things in outside. yes. i already tried. several times. and they ripped an ice plant off the wall on the side of the house so they could paint, and totally killed the plant. grrr. the tough part is since we're only renting, there's nothing we can really do about it. i am going to let the landlord know about the house number, though. that part needs to be fixed. and the electrical sockets. i mean, i have to put up christmas lights!!!

the rest of the weekend was busy. our friends came over on saturday after d had done a 60 mile bike ride in a nearby town. j ran the 1/2 marathon with c on sunday. and she beat him! hehe. we totally thought c would beat her, but nope. she was the winner...by nearly 2 minutes, too. and she had stopped to go to the bathroom and chat with a college friend, too. heh heh.

my sleep was way off since we didn't get to bed until late on saturday and i got up with j and c at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to drive them to the start of the race. d and i went to breakfast while j and c ran, then went over to the finish line to see them both as they crossed. i got home around 11 and took a 4 hour nap. sweet delight. we went to granny's after and hung out by the pool. went to bed aroun 9:30 pm and still had a hard time getting up today. but it's monday, so that's normal.

the coffee hasn't kicked in yet so i'm moving really slow this morning. but, c and i are getting pedi's after work today so i'm looking forward to that. :)

atticus

random questions

1. How old do you wish you were? i like right where i'm at.

2. Where were you when 9/11 happened? waiting outside my apartment in san francisco for the college shuttle to pick me up for class.

3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? swear a lot.

4. Do you consider yourself kind? i like to think so, but i do have a real sassy streak that sometimes gets the best of me

5. If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be? i already have 5: a plumaria on my right foot, a shooting star on my right wrist, a lady bug on my front left hip, a fairy below my belly button and a cowboy mickey mouse on my lower back on the left

6. If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? french. it's so romantic

7. Do you know your neighbors? a few of them, including the horses and cows

8. What do you consider a vacation? not being at work, not having c nag me about doing chores around the house and being able to nap whenever i want

9. Do you follow your horoscope? not really, but i find it amusing

10. Would you move for the person you loved? yes

11. Are you touchy feely? depends on who we're talking about. not everyone gets my love

12. Do you believe that opposites attract? yes, but that doesn't mean they'll make it...

13. Dream job? i'm still trying to figure that one out

14. Favorite channels? a&e, fx, discovery

15. Favorite place to go on a weekend? the coast

16. Showers or Bath? baths

17. Do you paint your nails? yes

18. Do you trust people easily? no. i've been burned a few too many times

19. What are your phobias? not being really loved

20. Do you want kids? someday

21. Do you keep a handwritten journal? when the mood strikes me, but usually i just blog about what's going on with me. i'm slightly afraid of people finding my writings and reading into my thoughts too much

22. Where would you rather be right now? In bed, curled up with my kitty

23. What makes you feel warm and safe? being in the mini house with my mini family

24. Heavy or light sleep? depends on how tired i am

25. Are you paranoid? not really. why? know something i don't???

26. Are you impatient? yes

27. Who can you relate to? my friends

28. How do you feel about interracial couples? they make beautiful babies

29. Have you been burned by love? yep

30. Whats your life motto? don't have regrets

31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile? just can't get enough by depeche mode

32. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping soundly

33. Who was your last text message from? my girlfriend, d, on my personal phone and a colleague on my work phone


34. Who's bed did you sleep in last night? hee. my own

35. What color shirt are you wearing? brown

36. Most recent movie you watched? the family stone

37. Name five things you have on you at all times? wedding ring, engagement ring, starfish or 'm' necklace, glasses/contacts, toe nail polish

38. What color are your bed sheets? pale green.

39. How much cash do you have on you right now? none

41. What's your favorite town/city? san francisco

42. I cant wait till... we to go to the cabin

43. Who got you to join MySpace? um...i'm 30, not 16.

44. What did you have for dinner last night? cheese and crackers

45. How tall are you barefoot? 5 feet even.

46. Have you ever smoked crack? no.

47. Do you own a gun? thru marriage, yes. well, more than one, actually...

48. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee

.49. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? my winning personality

50. Do you have A.D.D.? at times

51. What time did you wake up today? 8:30ish

52. Current worry? right this minute, i'm worry free!

53. Current hate? needy people

54. Favorite place to be? outside

55. Where would you like to travel? india and france

56. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? i have no friggen idea

57. Last thing you ate? dinner last night. does coffee right now count?

58. What songs do you sing in the shower? i don't.

59. Last person that made you laugh? c

60. Worst injury you've ever had? i haven't really had any bad injuries.

61. Does someone have a crush on you? maybe. i have no idea.

62. What is your favorite candy? violet crumble.

our house is being painted. we got a call this morning a little after 7 am from our landlord. talk about no warning! she said she had some guys in town this weekend and would it be okay for them to come by. um...do we have a choice? c told her we had friends coming in for the weekend, so instead of having the house done sat/sun, they are working today/tomorrow. it's a huge job since the house is really old and looks as though it hasn't been painted in forever. they prepped the house today and will start on the painting tomorrow.

our friends are coming saturday afternoon. the guy (who is one of c's grad school buddies) is doing a 60 mile bike ride on saturday and the girl (his wife) is running the half marathon with c on sunday. i can't imagine riding 60 miles, or running 13 miles, but i'll certainly be cheering them on! c and i will go to the finish line of the bike ride to meet up with them. we're going to bbq saturday evening. hopefully the house will be all done by then.

i was supposed to go to the gym today, but took a nap, when i got home and slept thru the 'kick ass' class. whoops. i only woke up because c was leaving a message on the answering machine. i really hope my girlfriend isn't too dissapointed in me...

la la la la

day two of wearing a suit. it's not that bad, actually. well, except for the fact that i'm wearing a suit that i haven't worn in oh, about 2 years, when i weighted a bit less. the coat fits just fine, but the pants, well, those are a different story entirely. they are small, to say the least. at first i thought they were just a bit short, hitting roughly at my ankles, but um, the waist is a bit tight as well. if i zip and button them up and stand, i'm fine. but as soon as i sit, it's over. i have now untucked my shirt ~luckily it's one of the tailored, untuckable kinds ~ and unbuttoned and unzipped the pants.

so much better. sad, too, because i really like the suit. it's navy with tiny white pinstripes and fully lined. but, i know i'm not going to loose that weight anytime soon, so i'm going to have to figure something out. i just realized this is the suit i wore on my first day working at the capitol. that was so long ago! anywho...

i'm really unmotivated to work right now. i have a few things that need to be taken care of today so i better get with it. i have a conference call at 10, so as long as i get some stuff done before then, i'm golden. i have a big filing project that i decided to take on ~ yes, i'm on crack ~ but will hold off until tomorrow to start that. since it's thrusday, i have a marathon day of meetings.

i'm going to meet a friend at the gym tonight for some 'kick ass' class. it's been so long since i've been to the gym. i wonder if i remember even where it is....HA

i also did not want to get up this morning, yeah, i know, big surprise. but when the alarm went off, c was curled up on one side of me and atty was curled up along the other side. it was so great. i stayed like that for 20 minutes before i got up, then forgoing the shower, threw my hair up in a twist and went on my way. but not before i brushed my teeth and doused myself with a healthy spritz of kate spade perfume. now i smell like gardenias and my breath is minty fresh. or at least that's what i hope i smell like. heh heh heh.

blah blah blah

big kitty is glad i'm home. he's perched up on the desk next to me, trying to figure out how to get between me and the computer. here he comes...

so i'm over the fact that my account is overdrawn. i'm a looser. i get paid tomorrow at midnight and then all will be fine. i just need to suck it up. this happens to everyone. i just need to make sure it doesn't happen to me again.

i also need to STOP SPENDING!!!

one of the boys at work offered to help me out, and though very tempted, i didn't take him up on his offer. he is a great guy, though. he even hugged me today when i came in. you know, most of the folks were pretty happy to see me. in fact two girls even said they really missed me! that was so great! and one girl left me a happy voice mail msg welcoming me back. so nice.

i got a candle in hawaii that smells just like pineapple. mmmm. so yummie!

i'm so screwed.

i just fucked myself. no, really. i did. i am going to be overdrawn in my checking account today. i was already, but was able to transfer the few dollars i had left in savings, but that still won't help the fact that i have a few things that still need to clear and that i have NO MONEY anywhere from which to draw from. any savings we have is in a lockbox of account, so there is no way i can get into that. i get paid at midnight tomorrow, but i'm in serious need of some cash before then. anyone want to help me out?? pretty please? you know i'm good for the money. in fact, i'll put a check in the mail to you today....anyone out there? i only need a little, like say $150.....i'm such a looser!

back to work

i am at work and i DON"T WANT TO BE HERE. of course, nothing has changed, as i had hoped it might have. everyone is still their same ol' stuffy, bitchy selves. new girl had gone thur a large order of supplies that i had placed and took tons of stuff for herself. yeah, some of it was for her, but for the most part, it was for the department. she was all snappy with me when i told her she had to give some of the stuff back. stuff she doesn't even need. whatever. she's trying to pull some seniority complex over me and it just won't work, sistah~!

mr. fp is on his own holiday and won't be back until the 21st. yay. i'll be able to ease back into work much better without him hovering spastically around me.

i'm also glad it's wednesday. so much easier to have a short work week coming off a nice long holiday.

flowergirl and i connected yesterday afternoon and she stopped by my house with beautiful flowers. she's just the best. we sat and chatted for a while and atty just curled up next to her. a true sign that she has a wonderful heart.

dinner last night was good. steak good. mmmm. we had dessert at our place after dinner and atty curled up with granny. it was so sweet. c's mom is an odd one, though. she seemed off, again, during dinner. she spilled a glass of wine and almost spilled a glass of water at our house. maybe she's just distracted. maybe she's just a mess. or a trainwreck.

i ordered a new suit from br right before we left (still haven't mentioned that to c yet) and it came while we were gone. i'm wearing it today and it's lovely. simple black, light wool and fully lined. i love br. i don't have to try anything on there and it just fits. one i know my size, i'm good to go. the rest of my suits are all heavy wool, which just won't work here in the summer. so now i'm all set. plus, i can wear this blazer with other slacks that i have. and now i can wear little cami's under the blazer so i won't get too hot. i still can't get over the nylon thing, though. but i did feel better seeing all the gals working in hawaii wearing nylons....

aloha

i'm back. did you miss me? naw, probablly not. anywho...the trip was a blast. again, i didn't want to leave. c and i got along very well, which was good. the wedding was so fun. only 2 of the grooms other friends came, ones that had also grown up with c, so we were extra glad that we went. we traveled all over the island and everything was so nice. but mostly, we relaxed. we laid on the beach, watched the sunset, lounged around and did a 6 mile hike up diamond head.

i SO don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I just checked my work email (i know i know) and had over 100 messages in my inbox. ridiculous. I swear, that place thrives on emal. a new girl was recently hired and is such a know it all. i really hate those types. anyhow, she has already sent me several emails about things she did not recieve yet. oh, and that I need to change some things on an informational sheet that I do. um.. no. she has only been here about 2 weeks and is in no way my superior, therefore, she can just stuff it.

flowergirl and i had a bit of miscommunication on my flower delivery for today so i'll have to wait for flowers. maybe she'll be able to bring me some tomorrow or thursday.

so c's dad accidently locked atty in the bedroom one day and he peed all over our bed! we didn't really notice until we went to sleep and it was sooo stinky. we had to totally strip the bed. it was gross. sucks even more 'cause i had just washed the sheets the day before we left. oh well.

today is c's bday. i got him a slew of dvd's he's wanted: caddyshack, casino, pulp fiction, goodfellas and another turkey huntin video. he'll be set for a while. plus, i just went to a bakery in town and bought him a princess cake, his favorite. we're going to dinner at saddles, our favorite steak place with his folks and granny. after we'll come back home for cake and kona coffee.

atty is sooo glad to have us back! i'm so glad i took off today, too, insead of going back to work. i really don't want to go tomorrow...

happy 4th!

so i'm all packed and ready to go. i want to go now. but i guess i have to wait until the ungodly hour of 4:45 am when the shuttle to the airport is picking us up. i'm not even going to attempt to put my contacts in that early and will wear my glasses instead. luckily, i finally have a stylish pair. the flight is 5 hrs so i'll hopefully get some good sleep on it, if i'm not too excited!

this morning we got up early and did a footrace. i ran a 3k and c ran a 10k. i ran the whole thing, which felt pretty good. there were a lot of hill in my short distance, but i was able to take them on. c did really well doing his 10k. he's doing a 1/2 marathon on the 16th. i'll be watching that one. just thinking about walking that many miles makes me winded.

we're heading over to our friend's house in a bit. actually, up to his ranch. we're going to bbq under the oak trees then watch the fireworks. i have a cops marathon on in the background and it's fantastic. i love watching cops. gotta get me some whisky tango whenever i can! heh heh.

i didn't do much yesterday, having never gotten a call back from one of the aa gals i was suposed to hang out with. she's flaked on me already 3 times. i seem to find the winners, that's for sure! the meetings i go to are good, but getting together with these women outside the meeting is a different story entirely. but, i'm still feeling good about myself and will make a call if and when i need to. it seems every time i have a doubt, i run into someone in the program. before i could even consider taking a drink, someone magically apears and in the most random places, like at ride aid.

i just looked up the meeting schedule for oahu so we can hit a few when we're there. there's a whole bunch and some of them are even on the beach near our hotel, so we're good to go. i carry around the 6 month chip one of my friends gave me and my new 9 month chip wherever i go so just in case i get a little squirley, i look at them or hold them and feel much better.

i'm gonna miss the kitty soo much! c's folks are going to watch them. his mom stopped by today, without calling, and used the key to open our front door! um..wtf was that? that's SO not okay. we were there, but both taking naps after beaing exhaused from our races this morning and she just let herself in! THAT CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN! what if we were doing something else????? grrr.




i don't have to work today. yipee! and i don't have to work for the next week and a half. yipee. and i'm going to hawaii on wednesday. yipee!

went to dinner last night with a new friend. i work with her but met her last year thru flowergirl. flowergirl had family in town so she couldn't hang out with us, but there will always be other times. it was good to get out.

now i'm at home watching bad daytime tv. i LOVE bad daytime tv. i just don't get how someone can go on maury 9 times and still not know who their "baby's daddy" is. it's so bad but i just can't stop watching. i mean, really. how is that possible? there is only a short window of when you can get preggers. i know, i know. it's all about the drama. but, still. whisky tango all the way, man. all the way.

what a day!

i got home super late last night from a dinner out with friends, which was really fun, and fell right asleep. i was hoping to sleep in today, but c's alarm went off at the ungoldly hour of 8 am. hey, for a sleep in day, that's early!! now, if c was a kind person, he would be quiet, and let me sleep. but, of course, that didn't happen. he did make me coffee before he left, so that was nice and i forgave him for the noise.

i lounged around the house and played with atty. i went to a women's meeting at 10:30 this morning. i hadn't been there in about 6 months and decided to give it a shot. it was actually a really good meeting. it's a book study meeting, so we read out of the big book. everyone takes a turn, then people can share for the latter part of the meeting. anyhow, i enjoyed the meeting and the hour went by really fast.

after the meeting i went to lunch with 2 of the gals that were there. (this had been planned since tuesday). anyhow, one of the gals introduced herself as a newcomer, which was a little surprising to me, as on thursday, when i last saw her, she had told me that she had just hit 7 months sober. she had gone out within the past 2 days. the other gal had just moved here and as i found out at lunch, has been in and out of the program for the past 10 years. she now has 4 years of straight sobriety. it was an interesting lunch, to say the least. both of them got on me about getting on with my steps, and i found that interesting since both of them have been in and out so much (the gal who had the 7 months untl the other day has been in and out for years as well). so while they are nice, i won't be looking to them to spend a lot of time with. i need women with good, solid sobriety, without slip ups.

i'm going to hang out with another lady on monday who just celebrated 24 years.

slip ups are too scary for me right now. not that i have the immediate fear of that right now, but i want to learn from people who haven't slipped. i seem to find much more stability in my friends who drink a lot more than those who are drunks. i guess that's because my friends know me inside out and love me regardless of anything. they don't judge me and just want to help and love me. i know the gals in aa intend to do that, but they just don't come across that way. and it's not even a tough love approach that they possess. they're just women going thru troubled times who think because they have some sobriety under their belt they can advise those that are just starting out. and while they say they don't judge, they do. and harshly.

yes, i am cynical. i'm just waiting for someone to prove me wrong. i am most definitly doing things to be proactive, it's not that i'm being quiet at all. i talk to someone from aa pretty much every day. i go to oh, about 4-5 meetings a week. i do readings. i pray. i'm just not doing the steps and for them, that's the worst thing in the world. to them, i'm not doing the program. to them, i should just go out and drink, for all the good not doing the steps is doing for me. wtf is that? whatever.

anywho, after lunch, i ran errands. i also got a bikini wax for my upcoming trip to hawaii. good fucking god. it hurt so damn muther fucking much. ohmigod. i am still in pain ~ okay, not really but i am definitly scared for life~. this time i decided to take off pretty much everything, save for a little patch. holy shit, man. i totally started crying towards the end. it was so bad. i looks great, though. men have NO IDEA.

i felt really odd after, having cried in there, so i went and treated myself to a mani/pedi. i got a really pretty pinkie red color on my toes and fingers. usually i get a frenchi on the fingers, but decided i needed a good splash of color. i tried to relax durning the treatment, but the place i went to was a bit distracting and c called twice with needy requests ~bring me a smoothie~ and so on.

i finally made it home late in the afternoon, smoothie in hand, and took a nap. i was woken by the extra loud tv, because god forbid i take a quiet nap in the afternoon, and got up to do some housework. i found some tasty new tea at the store and am enjoying that now. it's the small things that really make me happy.

i have also made a new friend at work and we're going to hang out tomorrow afternoon. we were going to hang out tonight, but i was a looser and missed her call earlier. i just called her and we have a plan for tomorrow. yay!

darling aminals

need a ride, friend?



jack, the cat who chased the bear up the tree



flufferkins the bunny

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