Never have I been so scared. Never have I shed so many tears. Never have I felt so much love from everyone around me.

As the day progressed, my aches and pains worsened. Purple bruises appeared on my right arm and hip. My neck and back are incredably stiff. My right temple has a large goose egg from where I smacked my head on who knows what in my car as it spun around and around after being t-boned by a car going over the speed limit.

Today I looked at the accident location and the guy didn't even hit his breaks before he slammed into me. My eyes stung for much of the day from the deployment of my side curtain airbag. I was advised to wear my glasses for the next few days so my eyes can heal.

I had an outpouring of love that made me cry so often simply because it touched me so much. My work even sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Hubby went and got me mc donalds french fries because I can't open my mouth very wide because of the pain from my goose egg.

While laughing hurts, I am glad to laugh because it makes some of the scary go away.

And even though I still have my saturn and it gets great gas mileage, I don't ever want to drive it again. The safety oi felt in the volvo is unbeatable. As soon as we get the insurance money, we are going to buy another volvo. For the time being, I will be driving hubby's trail blazer.

I am still weak and mentally exhausted, but am moving forward. Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts. I cannot express how much your kind words mean to me.

so sad

I got into a really bad accident last night right in front of my house. My new car is toatled. I am really sad. It was really scary. I'm banged up a bit but otherwise ok. I didn't know I had so many tears inside. Thank god I was in a volvo.

today's thursday thirteen is a list of movies that i have seen too many times to count and that i can recite most of the lines from. (in no particular order)
this list has been brought to you by the letter T. :)

the giving tree.

we have a christmas tree here at work and on it are tags with childrens ages and genders. you are to take a tag and buy a gift for a well deserving child and our company will then donate all the gifts and several food baskets to a local charity. the tree is called 'the giving tree' and as soon as i heard that i knew exactly what gift i was going to give.

as i excitedly told a colleague about my bright idea, she gave me a total deer-caught-in-headlights look as she had never even heard the delightful story that has warmed my heart for so many years.

the Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein is one of my most favorite childhood books and i thought this would be the perfect gift to give a child so i choose a tag for a girl aged 7-9. i also adored his other books, Where the Sidewalks End and A Light in the Attic.

i then asked two other colleagues if they knew of the story, or of the other two books, and sadly, neither of them had. i couldn't believe it! is it just me? does no one else know these wonderful books? please tell me you know them! i started to doubt myself if getting this book would be a good idea. would the child think i was an idiot for buying a book instead of a toy?

i'm so sad that kids these days have so many plastic toys, cartoons, video games and other things that preoccupy their minds when they could be playing outdoors or reading a good book instead.

a few weeks ago one of my girlfriends asked if i had a christmas wish list and i never responded, because, well, i totally forgot! i really don't want for much, but i there are a few things that i woulnd't mind having. :)

my christmas wish list

i have wanted a new outfit like this because the one that i currently have is so worn and loved. but i am happy to say that when we were away last weekend, there was a boutique that had these darling outfits at 30% off so hubby bought me one and i can't have it until christmas.

i would also love a gift card so i can go here whenever i want, which is quite often.

this store here is one of my most favorites and i like pretty much everything they have to offer.

i also really need a wall calendar for my office at work. awww isn't this one cute? this one is really pretty. this one is very classic and this one is just plain cool.

i can always use one of these to help with my constant need for new music.

some new bubble bath like this would be most delightful.

and i would love one of these for my new car keys.

owning all 3 seasons of this show would be awesome.

a gift card here would be fantastic as well because i can never have enough to read.

how cute and warm are these and these and these!

and these would be a lot of fun.

so what is on your wish list this year?



since i have been feeling extra squirrley these days, i decided it was time to watch some other folks who were having troubles as well. as i was watching this show last night i was hit with a sense of sorrow for sylvia. watching her made me realize, again, what a mess i was when i was drinking. as i was so often in a blackout, i didn't always know what i was doing or how i was acting. while the desire to drink has not gone away, i have been keeping strong. the past few days have been especially hard on me and i'm not really sure why. nothing has been provoking me, i'm just feeling that insatiable need for a drink. a voice inside my head says, "go ahead. have a drink. no one will know." but i can't. and won't. for if i do, i will surely spiral out of control to an oblivion that i want no part of.

there are people who say i should "turn my will and life over to the god of my undertanding" and while that's all good and fine, i am a firm believer in myself. i work hard for everything i achieve and damn it, i'm sober because of me, not because of a higher power. it's me that's not taking that drink. it's me that's drinking coffee right now to fight of that strong desire. it's me that's going to have a smoke soon. sure, i want enlightenment, but i really don't think something out there will stop me from drinking. maybe i'm just some big nonbeliever, but damn it. why don't people ever admit that they can do things themself without giving a higher power all the credit?

it seems like every day there is a new organization supporting some cause or another. while i don't have a lot of extra money to spend, i do like to donate a little to a few worthwhile causes.

i always give my friends who are doing events, like leukemia bike rides and runs for different cancer cures, a donation for their efforts (and of course for the cause).

both hubby and i enjoy running 5k and 10k races supporting different causes as well. it makes me feel good to give what little i can. we adopted both of our kitties from the animal shelter in town and that makes me feel so good to know they were rescued and are in a loving home. and we always give our gently used clothing to a local charity in town.

this year i supported three new organizations:




do you donate your money or time anywhere?

my nose is cold.

the first day back to work after a few days off is always hard. especially when it's a brisk 32 degrees outside when you leave the house at 7 am. luckily my new car has toasty seat warmers. so that was nice. but work was just a ball of frustration for me today. over the days i was off, my boss decided to tackle the pile of invoices and purchase orders i had on my desk, which incidentally are totally my job to do, and totally and utterly made a mess of them all. and he didn't do just a few of them, either. he did about 20. sigh. each and everyone had numerous mistakes so i had to spend much of the day doing them over. not only that, he also made errors on the two spreadsheets that back up the documents. sigh. he said he was bored and was looking for something to do. sure, that would have been fine, had he done them correctly, but since the accounting system had changed last week and he hadn't bothered to be updated....well, i was left to clean up the mess.

today was just a day of miscommunication that left me frustrated for much of the day. but, i am glad to be home now with my kitties. hubby is off getting his month massage so i have a bit of quiet before he gets home. i have my little heater ~ or god as atty sees it ~ going. atty is just the funniest thing. he sits as close as he can to the heater with his two front paws stretched out as far as they can go underneath the heater. it totally looks like he is paying homage to a god. hehe.

i am feeling antisocial again and just want to stay in the piece and quiet of my little home. on nights like these i don't even turn on my messenger accounts. i don't want to have online conversations with my friends. i just want to tuck away without anyone bothering me. needling me. pestering me. questioning me. i don't have many friends online, and i actually know them all in real life. a few of them are so negative, with things always going wrong in their lives, that i don't like to talk to them so much. there's always some drama and i'm so over it. and it always seems like we have the same conversation each and every time. seriously. if your life is that bad, change it. do something about it. i'm sick of the complaining. and really? i don't care anymore. if you're not going to change anything, then i don't want to hear about it anymore.

and no, i'm not pouting. i'm just being me.

well, i'm back. the trip was wonderful. our room was on the top floor and overlooked the ocean. it was breathtaking. it was so peaceful to hear the ocean waves lap up against the shore. hubby went for a run as soon as we arrived and i ordered room service, sat on the balcony and watched the ocean and my stress began to melt away.

that evening we headed into town and took ourselves to see the darjeerling limited. since it was thanksgiving, the town was virtually empty. that night we ordered room service for dinner and went to bed. on friday we slept in and lounged around until mid morning, enjoying the fresh sea air that floated in through our open window. by midday we headed back into town and did some shopping. i made purchases for several friends for chrismas and bought a few goodies for myself as well, because really, what would shopping be without buying something for myself, too!

then came the biggest purchase of them all. we bought a car. yes, you read that right. we bought a 2003 volvo xc 70 cross country. oot. the car is beautiful, and all mine. it took several hours and the deal was done. hubby didn't want his name on the application, yet he is paying for the car, so it made me feel extra good that we were able to purchase the car based purely on my credit score ~ which, by the way is 793. and because my credit is so good, we got financing at 5.9%, which is beyond fantastic.

so now we are going to sell my saturn and put the money we get from it back into savings. we put 3k down for the volovo and since we think that's what we can get for the saturn, we'll hopefully break even.

the rest of the weekend we hung out in town, at the beach and just relaxed. we ate and shopped and shopped some more. the weather was beautiful, mid 70's during the day and low 60's at night. this morning we left around 8 am and got back to town a little after noon.

hubby's folks came over shortly after we got home to check out the car. hubby's dad was excited about the car and hubby's mom sort of was. her first words were, " oh, i thought you were getting an suv." whatever. i try to like her, i really do, but i just can't. and she looked hideous! (mom jeans, with flower embroidery at the ankles, a big green sweater, an tan and purple polka dot scarf knotted at the neck, a big tan coat and grey fleece lined crocks. UGH! soo bad. so, so bad. oh, and a pair of weird glasses on a chain around her neck. and this is the gal who thinks she's oh so hip, too.)

anyway, as much as i love love love where we were, i am very glad to be home with the kitties. atty is snuggled against me and finn is curled up near me too. my mini heater is going full blast as it's freezing cold in the house. i'm still a little melancholy, even with the excitement of the car and nap is definitely in order.

i've tried my best to write everyday, but life kept getting in the way. i know i could have posted via my blackberry while i was gone ~ and i noticed that i missed monday somehow as well ~ but figured that i would rather post something good than something without any substance. besides, i didn't need to hear that i was somehow dependent on the internet from hubby more than i already do.


i was so wound up today and for no real reason, either. maybe it was because i realized at some point that tomorrow was thanksgiving and i'm off for the next 4 days. at any rate, i was pretty useless at work today. i had more squirrelly energy and it wasn't because of all the coffee and chocolate i had, either. something else is buzzing inside me. i just don't know what it is.

once at home, i chatted online with terry, with whom i hadn't talked to in a while, then headed out for my wednesday nite aa meeting. the meeting went well and a friend of mine spoke. i had never heard his story and it was really good. i could actually relate a lot to it, even though our stories are nothing a like. i was still full of weird energy then as well.

as we were leaving, hubby got on my case for being too flirty again. it bothered me because i really didn't think i was. he doesn't like my friend because he thinks he's weird, and so he got on my case for hugging my friend. he then commented that i was too flirty with a guy i work with when we went to dinner the other night. i know i was friendly, but i really didn't think i was being overly flirtatious. i do try hard not to be, but i told hubby that i'm just friendly in nature and that he's introverted as i'm extroverted.

by the time i got home, i was more mellow. i know i look for attention from others because i feel like i don't get it from hubby at home. he just doesn't look at me the way other people do, even my girlfriends. i took some advil pm to help calm me down and it's finally working a bit. i still don't know why i've been so wound up.

atty has curled up in my arms and i have my little heater going. i'm going to miss him while we are gone. i know it sounds silly, but i will. he's my little buddy who loves me unconditionally. and he loves to cuddle more than anything.

we're heading out tomorrow morning. hubby wants to get on the road early. check-in isn't until 3p, so we really don't have to leave that early. neither one of us is remotely ready to go, so hopefully hubby will actually sleep in a bit. but i can't wait to get to the coast. i really miss it. the ocean just calms and sooths me. maybe that's what i need.

i just want to curl up and stop time until i feel like being present again.

my tush is warm!

so after yesterday's whole car thing, i agreed to drive hubby's car. well. this morning when we woke up it was a warm 27 outside and i was excited as HIS car has seat warmers! oot oot. as i got my keys out to warm up the car, as it was covered in ice, he said "can't we start the car trade thing next week?" um nope. sorry, sucka. you get to drive the saturn today without the seat warmers!

tagged again!

today i was tagged by the superb sally and for this lovely meme, i am to tell you something about myself using words that start with each letter of my middle name. hmmm...here we go!


meticulous about everything. i am very detailed orientated. almost to a fault.

affable ~ i stole that word from sally ~ but i do believe it to be true. i am a friendly person.

responsible. if you call on me, i will be there. i know what has to be done, and i do it.

gracious. i try my best to act with class and kindess. well, most of the time anyway.

accountable. i am always accountable for what i do and do not do.

resourceful. i try to be like macgyver in figuring out what i can do with what i have at hand. see, sally, i really can be an engineer, well, except for that math part!

energetic. i really do have tons of energy. and it's not even from all the coffee i drink!

tenacious. i certainly do have a lot of spunk.

i'm now supposed to tag as many people as there are letters, but since i just tagged a bunch of you for a meme earlier in the week, i will not tag anyone now. but, if you do want to play, let me know so i will make sure to check it out!

in honor of one of my girlfriends who i don't get to see very often, i give you tuesday thirteen.

she pointed out today that i have been remiss on my weekly thursday thirteen, and since i will be out of town on thursday, thus not being able to post, i will give you my list a few days early.

Since this is a week to be thankful, my tuesday thirteen will be about things i am grateful for.

i am grateful for:

1. having good friends that keep me on track and keep me honest. thanks, lisa!

2. being able to go to my college town with hubby for a mini vacation and not worry about having to deal with family.

3. growing up and becoming a better friend, wife and colleague.

4. knowing that it's okay to cry when i'm sad.

5. learning german as a child. while it's not that common of a language, it's still cool to know. and i speak it with a native tounge rather than with an american speaking german.

6. sticking with it and finishing college. though it took me a long time to get my undergrad degree, i did achieve it. the diploma is proudly displayed on my wall.

7. for not having regrets. everything i have done has made me who i am today and i wouldn't change a thing.

8. for learning that it's never too late to say i'm sorry.

9. that small things in life, like a a smile or a wave, does wonders to my soul and can totally change my mood.

10. that i sent my mom that letter a few months ago. somehow, that has made a lot of difference in our relationship. who knew.

11. for having a warm, tender soul. it's so much better than being bitter and angry.

12. for being musically inclined. music is my world. i cannot imagine a day without it.

13. for believing in myself, even when the committee in my head is telling me otherwise.

so unproductive.

i am SO over today. i have gotten so little done, it's not even funny. i just tried to get a whole stack of purchase orders done, as i have been putting them off, and as i opened up my spreadsheet i come to find out that our wonderful accounting department has changed the whole purchase order system without telling anyone. lovely. just lovely. i had to take a walk to work off some frustration. but, the walk was good as i visited a friend in another department and worked on my excercize. see, i'm a lazy girl and the property where i work is quite expansive so i try to walk as much as i can to make up for sitting in my office the rest of the time.

at least i get to listen to the hawk at work. my boss has a radio that we can only get two stations on. the hawk, and a top twenty station that plays the same songs each and every hour. but i'm happy with the hawk. that name cracks me up because well....we get that station when we drive up to hubby's family cabin in the sierras and he calls it the twat hawk. so it makes me laugh whenever the staion does it's radio identification. yes, i'm 13. it's especially funny when the hawk screeches. heh.

but i digress.

it has gotten seriously cold these past few days. this morning it was 34 degrees out at 7 am when i left the house. my car was a block of ice. luckily it warms up to the mid 60's during the afternoon, but still. it's cold. i know. i know. it could be worse. my friend was in maryland today and it was 26 where she was. and i just talked to my mom who is visiting her sister in kansas and it dropped 20 degrees in one hour, from 72 to 52. now that's cold, fast.

well, i think i'm going to take my unproductive self home now.


okay. i get it. i'm lame. we have a client named montague who needed some assistance and i asked the receptionist if i should send over a capulet, and all i got was silence on the other end of the phone. um. right. romeo and juliet? shakespeare? guess not.

i remember doing something like that once before. i was in the car with a bunch of ladies (i was tagging along with a friend's mom and her friends to see my friend for a weekend when i was in college) and we were on the montague express way in norther california. i asked outloud if we would be turning onto the capulet express way and the car was suddenly silenced. only one lady, who happened to be the mayor of my college town, understood what i was saying and said she enjoyed my humor.

guess i really am a literary nerd. but dammit. i'm proud of it. it makes me feel smart.

i'm in a bit of a funk today. last night hubby and i went to the dealership in town to testdrive a car ~ the one we have been stalking. we were there for two hours and it was fantastic. i was totally ready to seal the deal, but we were advised to go home and think about it, which in hindsight was a smart thing to do. i'm great at impulse buys, but i did want to think about it.

anyhow, hubby got his panties all twisted in a bundle about the car. we have already figured out our finances and have determined what we can afford for a downpayment as well as for a monthly payment. hubby either doesn't have faith in himself or me, so he always has to run things by someone else. and while i understand that his friend used to be a car salesman and has good insight, it really annoys me that hubby has to run every friggen detail by him.

so since i knew it would take a while before we actually purchased the car, i went to bed shortly after we got home. he berated me for pouting because 'i didn't get my way'. um, no. i was tired. i had a long day. i also had a stomach ache from eating gross fish tacos at work. i told him as much and he still insisted that i was pouting. i hate that. he never has any idea what is going on in my head because he, like many other people in my life, decide they know me better than i know myself. and that somehow they know what is going on in my head.

he then decided to go online and find out all the bad things about this car. fine. it's good to know all about a car when you are going to make a major purchase. i totally get that. but he decides this car is a total lemon, which it is not, and he has decided that we will not purchas the car. end of story. seriously. i told him to calm down and we would discuss this later. perhaps when i was awake and feeling better.

this morning he was all pissy because he couldn't sleep as he was worrying about the car that i want. dude. just stop. i'm not going to go out and buy the car without you. yeah, i may buy an expensive pair of designer jeans without you, but i wouldn't buy a friggen car!

he's still uptight as i'm getting ready and tells me i can drive his car to work today. really? gee, thanks. i said no. i said i will continue to drive my car as i have been doing every day for 8 years. i was so not pouting, either. he totally thinks that if i drive his car every once in a while that i will suddenly no longer want a new car. um, hello? there is no way he will drive my car for more than a day without getting all irritated that it's so old . once again, i am in a no win situation with him and it sucks.

(i drive a 2000 saturn with no power anything; steering, doors, windows. it is also stick shift. it has cloth seats. it is very low to the ground. it has very low horsepower. maybe 1 horse. HE drives a 2003 fully loaded chevy trail blazer. power everything, including seat warmers and lots of horsepower. ) so really? he won't be driving my car. i know him all too well. and the even crappier thing is he ALSO has a 1984 toyota landrcuiser that is his baby. his weekend hunting rig that he adores. so really? it's time for ME to get a new car. and an upgraded one at that. and hell, we are talking about getting me a USED car. for a great price.


lazy sunday.

atty and i took a big nap together this afternoon. he snuggled with me under the blanket. it was so nice. i love weekends like this.

i wasn't in a very social mood this weekend, so i ended up postponing a shopping trip i had planned with a girlfriend. we'll met up in december, so that's good.

i also never made it to the saturn dealership yesterday, as i had no desire to wait around for my car to get worked on ~ an oil change and the 100,000 mile service ~ that would take about 3 hours. i did, however, find a place in town that did mostly everything i needed in 25 minutes, and for about 1/3 the cost.

this afternoon hubby and i looked at a few used cars at the german dealership in town. we've had our eye on a particular one and it's going for a really good price, but unfortunately, the dealership was closed today. but we're both pretty set on getting that car. i don't want to say much more, just in case things don't work out. don't want to get my hopes up and all...but hubby and i are going to go to the dealership after work tomorrow, so we'll see what happens.

and big 'yay' for a short work week and a trip out of town for me and hubby.

my happy place.

this is the room in the house that makes me the happiest. it is welcoming and bright. the windows in front of the desk face out to the front yard and the big tree. birds are always flying by, chirping their cheerful songs. there is another window above the couch, where the sun shines in and breezes float by. i am often found on the couch, curled up with the cats. i recently purchased a space heater which helps keep the room even cozier.

the walls are a soothing light yellow with white trim, keeping everything in perfect harmony. my college diploma hangs proudly on the wall along with a pencil sketch of leroy the pelican ~ drawn by my mother ~ two original movie cells from my favorite disney movies ~ alice in the garden from alice in wonderland and peter and the kids flying over big ben on their way to neverland from peter pan ~ two fairy prints from amy brown and a mountain scene by a local sf artist complete my wall decor. i also have my catch-all memory board where i attach invites, pictures and extra goodies. oh, and a mirror, which hides behind my door is used often to dance in front of.

my bookshelf is so crammed full of delicious reads, many of which i have read over and over again. i am always in the hunt for something new and exciting to read. one day i would love to have floor to ceiling book shelves.

the kitties love the room as well, especially when the sun shines in. they often perch upon the windowsill and check out what is going on outside. they also love to help me write by sitting on my lap or right in front of my computer so i have to reach over them to type. luckily, i have a great laptop that i can move around wherever i like as not to disturb them.

i always feel at peace in my little room. hubby comes in every once in a while to use the computer, but he doesn't really stay long. the desk was his in grad school ~ a gift from his parents ~ but has become mostly mine. my mini closet is also in this room, though i didn't take a photo this time. since our house is so old ~ the tax records go back to 1920 ~ we only have two mini closets in the entire house! hubby uses the one in our bedroom and i use the one in here.

when i'm down, i seek out this room. hubby prefers the livingroom with the big comfy couch and tv, which is just fine with me. i love gazing out the windows and dreaming the day away. whenever we talk about buying a house, we know that both of us wants a room to call our own, so i know i will always have a happy place to call my own.


i am so freaking glad it's friday, especially after the past two days of ickyness. work has been good today as my boss is gone and minimal things have occoured. i've actually been productive and will be out of here in a little under 2 hours.

i don't have much planned this weekend, and for that i am thankful. i have to take my car in for an oil change tomorrow and am debating if i will wait for it at the shop or if i will wander off into town. guess it'll depend if it's raining or not.

i'm supposed to meet a girlfriend for christmas shopping on sunday, but i may postpone for another weekend as hubby has said we can go test drive cars! whoot! i would really, really, really, like a new (to me) car. so we'll see. plus, i am pretty low on funds right now as i have already done a bit of shopping, none of which has gone on my credit card, either, thankyouvery much.

i'm all done shopping for hubby, but need to shop for everyone else on my list. and i have to get my christmas card list together as well. but that's fun stuff, so i'm not too concerned.

i still can't believe next week is already thanksgiving. this year has seriously flown by. i keep forgetting that hubby and i are going out of town next week, too. but, boy am i ready! i am sad, though, about leaving the kitties for 4 days! :( i know they'll be fine and all, but i know i'll miss them a lot, and we're sort of deserting them on their birthday. well, they were both born in november, so we like to say they are thaksgiving kitties.

i don't have much more to say; everything is just stuck in my head. i've been doing some deep thinking this week but don't really have the words to express my thoughs right now. i have some things to figure out and other things to contemplate. more will be revealed at a later date and time.


i have been tagged by the delightful maggie and since she is such a doll, i decided to play along. i hope the lovely ladies i tagged want to play along, too. (but don't worry, i won't cry too hard if they don't).

TAGGED - The Rules

* Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

* Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

* Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

* Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. while i have always been petite, i have always been afraid of being 'too skinny'. i have been a size zero because of a fast metablolism and i hated it. right now i'm between a 2 and a 4, depending on who makes the clothes and i have decent size boobs (a full 'c') as well as hips and a bottom now and love it all. i am really self conscious about it, though.

2. i still think about alcohol all the time, even though i have been sober a little over 2 years now.

3. i am most comfortable in a pair of flannel sleeper pants and a tank top.

4. frozen rocky road chocolate bars are my favorite treat.

5. people make really fast judgements of me and think i'm this sweet, innocent little girl. they hardly take the time to get to know the real me and i really resent that. a lot. then they act all surprised when they find out i'm something different than they expected me to be.

6. i grew up playing the violin. i played for 8 years and was even in the district symphony orchestra when i was in high school. i haven't played since. hubby has never heard me, yet i have my violin in our home.

7. german was my first language.

i am tagging terry, sally, gina, gypsy, allie, valley girl and wendy. with love, of course!

mini update.

i am home now. well, for a few minutes, at least. i simmered down a bit on the way home, after having another ciggy. that's 4 so far for today if anyone besides me is counting.

i had to go to the store as i have the cookie commitment at the meeting i attend on wednesday nights. i would really rather go to bed, but i must be a good person and keep my commitment. my good friend who is the secretary of the meeting won't be there tonight as she has surgery yesterday and is still recuperating. i sent her some flowers and talked to her today and she sounds good.

at the store i ran into one of my cute friends from a former job. i hadn't seen him in quite a while so we (or just me, actually) had a coffee and sat and chatted for a while. it was good to catch up. hopefully we can stay in touch again. he's this sexy french guy and i love love love his accent. he's also a pastry chef and his stuff is by far the best stuff ever...mmm....

anywho, thanks to you lovlies who showed your support today. it really is nice and makes me smile oh-so-big. little things like that are so good and i heart you all so much.

there was also a gorgeous skybluepink sunset in the sky tonight as i was driving home and it was so loverly. it calmed me down as well.

now i must be off to my meeting. hubby is staying home with a friend tonight. they have some stuff to talk about, work stuff. boy stuff. stuff that i can be a part of, but well, it's not really my place and i respect their privacy.

and besides. tomorrow is another day.

oh my gawd.

so there is this woman i work with. i will call her princess, because that is what she acts like. she is a fucking idiot. she gets in everyones way. she acts like she runs the places. yes, he holds an important position. but seriously? she needs to mind her own fucking business. the very worst part is that she is buddy buddy with my boss. and that annoys the piss out of me because he ALWAYS takes her side on things, even when she's in the wrong. she also LOVES to drive the bus over people. figuratively, of course. like today. every time i leave my office, i have my office phone transfered to my blackberry. i also have a radio (walkie talkie) on me at all times. so she calls for me on the radio. i answer. she ignores me. she announces that i have my cell phone off the hook and am avoiding taking calls. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LADY? my boss, who was sitting near me in the lunchroom answered the radio call and told her i would call her as soon as i got to a house phone. in the time it took me to get there, literally 1 minute, she had already announced on the radio (now mind you, about 20 people are on this particular channel) that she wasn't going to wait around for me to call any longer and that she would figure out. good god. now she is on my ass again for not doing what she originally needed WHEN SHE NEVER TOLD ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.

i need another cigarette.....


today is the first day i want to cry. at work, that is. i really try so hard and i just hate getting shit on by people. this is the first place i have worked where i actually feel like i am respected. that when i say something, people listen. that my opinion actually matters. that i am of value to the organization. sure, people joke around, but they are good natured about it and know the right time and place for it.

but sometimes, my boss doesn't. i know he has a daughter my age and i think he sees me as some dumb, young girl. but i am smart, damn it.

the hardest part for me is that my positon never existed before and i have to do everything from scratch. and while i do answer to my boss, i also have to follow up with him to make sure he is doing his work, which is a pretty crappy thing. the department i'm working in has no real accountability, so it is part of my job to make everyone accountable for their work and they don't like it one bit. i know it must be tough for some girl to follow up with a bunch of men, asking them for progress updates on the projects they are working on.

but good lord. my boss thinks he's funny when he cuts me down in front of other colleagues, calling me 'dumb butt' or telling me to get to work. it's not cool at all. it makes me feel stupid and i hate it. i have told him as much, but well, it falls on deaf ears.

yesterday afternoon there was an issue that was brought to my attention so i gave the job to one of my guys. i followed up with him a few hours later and he got all pissy with me for following up with him. i let my boss know and he said he would talk to the guy. as i was leaving work, i got another message about the same issue from the general manager. then this morning, my bosses boss called me with the same issue, yet again. so, i asked my boss if the situation had been taken care of and what was done. he totaly yelled at me! he said the the job was taken care of and when i asked what had been done, as i had to inform the others, he said "i told you it was done, and that's enough for you." he then hung up on me.


he then came into the office and said the same thing to me again. i told him that i needed to know what was going on because the general manager and his boss were asking me. he said he had already told them and when he tells me things are taken care of, that should be enough for me.

are you fucking kidding me? the whole reason i was hired was to make these guys accountable and when the won't tell me what the fuck is going on, then what the hell am i supposed to do? and how am i supposed to feel?

what a bizarre day this is turning out to be. i woke up after having some strange dreams about someone i haven't talked to in a long time. why people suddenly appear in my dreams, i'll never know. i decided to be bold this morning and call him. the number for his cell wasn't right and when i called his office, his assistant said he hadn't come in yet. i sent him an email saying i called. i didn't think i would hear back from him so soon, but he emailed back minutes later saying he was in so i called again.

just hearing his voice brought back so many memories. i was all nervous and twittery on the phone. it was so silly! he said it was strange that i had called as well because he was also thinking of me this morning. i know he wasn't just saying that, either, as that's not something he does. he's quite upfront and honest with things. he doesn't say things just to get a reaction, either. we chatted for a bit and now i know i will be thinking of him for a while. the memories have just been flooding back in.

i've been feeling pretty nostalgic lately. i've been catching up with a bunch of friends that i haven't spoken to in a while. maybe it's the holidays or maybe i'm just growing older and want to keep those who are near and dear to my heart close by for all times.

just this week i got back in touch with a girlfriend i hadn't spoken to in about a year due to uber busy schedules for both of us. she and i met back at a convention in the midst of my politcal heyday and i ended up taking her position at a firm as she moved on to bigger and better things with the governor. i'm really excited to be back in touch with her on a more regular basis now and we are planning on getting together soon.

i sent off two packages yesterday to girlfriends for some early holiday cheer. i love sending the random package almost more than i enjoy receiving a random package. :)

i can't believe next week is already thanksgiving. i'm so glad that hubby and i are going out of town, though. it's been so long since we've been anywhere. here is where we're staying and i can't wait!

mo mo monday.

So my computer has been crashing non stop today at work and to say I'm annoyed is the understatement of the year. I don't know how this post is going to look, or if I will even be able to post as I am writing all of this via my blackberry.

I literally have to stop doing the majoity of my work because of this stupid computer.


If only I had a mac at work. Oh well.

Dinner last night with the family was all right. The place we went wasn't that good, but at least the company was okay. Hubby did send back his food, though, and he was pretty rude about it. But I did have to totally agree with him; the food was awful. We both had ordered the lobster salad and it was gross, which was so sad.

After dinner he and I drove by a car dealership in town and checked out a few used audi's. The dealership was closed so we were just able to walk around and check out the exterior of the cars. When we got home we had a long discussion about our finances and where we stand and all that. With what we make, we can afford a car payment, but we just have to figure out how much we really want to spend. I am happy that we have been talking about finances more realistically, though. Tonight I really need to make some good headway with our financess and see just exactly what we can afford.

Grrr. I am SO over my computer right now.

sunday, sunday.

i have officially started my christmas shopping. whoot! i really am in the holiday spirit now and it's so much fun. my shopping adventure yesterday was fun, even in the rain.

today is pretty and sunny and even a little warm. i've decided to go get a mani/pedi this afternoon since it's been forever since i've gotten one and i've been good. heh.

tonight we're going to dinner for hubby's granny's birthday. we're actually going to a restaurant that i've never been to before. normally his family goes to the same 3 places, so it's fun that we're going someplace different. it's about time, too. don't get me wrong, those 3 places they usually go to are fine and all, but it gets boring going to the same place each time.

i bought a new cd yesterday, which is so rare to me as i normally download everything from itunes, but this cd was worth it. it's the alice music volume 11 album. (alice is a radio station where i live) and it's all acoustic songs by the artists that i love and the proceeds for the sale of the album goes to various breast cancer research funds.

i had a weird dream last night about a guy i work with. i've never really thought about him before, but now i can't stop thinking about him! geesh. dreams are so weird.

since it's apparent that i have nothing great to say, i'll sign off now. maybe i'll be more inspired later.

i am so happy that it's holiday time at starbucks. i spied my first red cup last night and had to immediately let jacarandabush know. (we have a special bond over the cups). anyhow, small things like those little red cups and the delish holiday drinks the serve makes me oh so happy.

it's drizzling out right now and it's warm and cozy in my little office at home. atty is curled up on the couch and my mini heater is keeping us comfortable. i have a mug of holiday blend coffee and am all warm and fuzzy inside. i have been caught up by the holiday spirit and i love it!

i have several holiday shopping days planned with various girlfriends and a weekend trip with jacarandabush in the works as well. i do want to get home and shop at the grove, my most favorite shopping center of all, but i'm not sure if that will happen this year. but, we'll see.

so what's on your wishlist for this holiday season?

whew! i almost thought i wouldn't make it, but i have an hour until midnight so this post will definitely count as being written today!

to say it was crazy busy would be an understatement. i was running in all directions today, but i did manage to get pretty much everything i wanted to get done, done.

i just got back from a 3 hour dinner with a girlfriend. it was so great to hang out and talk for so long. and having 2 double shot espressos didn't seem to hurt that much either. except now i am TOTALLY wired. but, at least i get to sleep in tomorrow.

i'm meeting a different girlfriend at noon tomorrow to do some christmas shopping. i have no idea what to get people this year. hubby is pretty easy as he usually gives me a list. everyone else is difficult.

his granny is turning 87 this weekend so we're going out to dinner for her on sunday night. i should make her a card tomorrow.

i made halloween cards for a few of my friends and for my parents and no one has said anything. i'm sure they all got them. sort of weird. oh well.

atty is acting like he has never been loved before, he is purring and rubbing up against me so much! i better pay him some attention before he gets all fussy with me!

ciao until tomorrow, my darlings!


i've been trying to write some short stories again but have been lacking the inspiration. anyone have any suggestions for either unblocking my mind or for a story idea? i promise to publish whatever i end up writing on this blog and credit you for the inspiration or idea. :)

i was starving after work today and didn't feel like making dinner. i know, big surprise. so i went to whole foods on the way home. big mistake. whole foods is like a big treat store for me. i don't do my normal shopping there as it's too expensive and they don't have everything i want. but today i was in the mood for something different. i got all kinds of goodies: garlic jack sourdough bread, freshly made tuna salad, spicy tuna rolls, avocado cucumber rolls, a big jar of apple cider, apple cider mulling spices, a dozen deep pink roses, a 12 pack of mini chocolate croissants, coconut macaroons and peets holiday blend ground coffee.

i have since devoured the sushi (okay, so that was mostly hubby), some of the tuna salad and some of the bread. i also had a baked potato with sour cream and chives. i'm sitting with a delicious cup of cider, with atty in my lap and my little space heater making the room all toasty. i took a long bath so i'm extra nice and warm. hubby is in the other room with a friend so i'm staying out of the way, which is just fine since i like the alone time.

today was a hectic day and i think there was something in the weather because everyone was a little bit screwy. and it was SO freaking cold. i even dressed warm, but not warm enough.

i am so glad tomorrow is friday. i'm ready for this week to be over.

hubby is taking finn to the vet tomorrow afternoon. he thinks finn is getting a little thin, but i think that finn is just a mini kitty so he's naturally little. we think he's the runt of the litter, but i guess it's better that we have him checked out nonetheless. he's still as playful as ever and eats whenever he can, so maybe he has a tapeworm or something.

i'm sorry i'm so boring and blah tonight....


ugh. so by the time i got back home after work and running errands, my big mac and fries couldn't have tasted better.

it tastes so good when it hits the lips!

hubby went to the gym after work so i didn't have to worry about about him for dinner so i had time to relax and enjoy my meal, while catching up on some bad tila tequila reruns on mtv. i made a quick stir fry for him then we hit our usual wednesday nite aa meeting. i just wasn't feeling the meeting tonight. i didn't get much out of it and i couldn't stop yawning. but i'm glad i went. i hadn't been to one in a while so i'm glad i went, especially since i've been feeling so squirely these past few days. not like i want to drink, or anything like that, but just off. i do feel better that i went and now i have a bit of energy.

it's freaking cold outside right now and our heater isn't working. i bought a little space heater, but i think i'll just take a hot shower and jump into my nice warm bed. i have to get into work a little early tomorrow, so it'll save me some time in the morning.

i'm taking hubby to dinner at the restaurant at the property where i work next week. coincidently, it is called just that. the restaurant. nice and original, huh. the manager asked me why i hadn't dined there yet, so i made reservations straight away. wonder what i should wear....

well, today started out better than yesterday, but it seems to have gone right back to how it was. blah. i wore a bright yellow sweater and another pair of new shoes ~ sassy black patent leather mary janes ~ today and that has made me feel better, but these shoes are too high for my job. they have 3 inch heals which i normally walk fine in except the property that i work at is quite hilly and well, these shoes do not work going down the hills. so today i am that lame girl that has to get a ride everywhere. oh well. at least i look cute doing so. people i work with are extra fussy today too, which makes things that much more annoying. really, it only takes one person to be grumpy for everyone else to feel it.

today is definitely a mc donald's day. i just made a pot of coffee and it's yucky weak. better than nothing, though. i just made plans with a girlfriend to go shopping this weekend. i don't need anything so it'll be just fun to hang out with her.

yesterday hubby and i went to look at houses closer to where we both work. we liked the first house a lot and didn't like the other house at all. the realtor who showed us the houses is a friend of a friend and he was really great. another gal i know, who is also a realtor, has been showing us houses and she drives me nuts. she is incredably aggressive and doesn't listen to me when i tell her what our price range is. she constantly sends me info on houses so far out of our range, it's ridiculous. and when i tell her as much, she totally ignores me. just last weekend i went to look at a few houses with her, without hubby, and when i told her they were houses he wouldn't like, she later sent me an email asking if he was even interested in buy a house in the first place. it really pissed me off. just because i know what hubby likes (and dosen't like) , doesn't mean we don't want to buy a house. just today she sent me an email with a house that is $300k OVER our budget. seriously. if it were, oh, 50k over, that would be one thing. but $300k? get real, lady. hubby and i decided last night that we're going to tell her we're not interested in buying a house anywhere in the near future so hopefully she'll leave us alone. i guess we naively thought since she was our friend that she wouldn't give us the hard sale on everything.

it's supposed to rain this weekend and i'm looking forward to it. we haven't had a good soaking in a while. i have lot's of housework to do, too, as i have been slacking off the past few weekends. i would rather stay inside when it's crummy out than when it's all nice and sunny. i tend to get way less done when it's nice out. i seem find a sunny spot and nap the weekend away.

i'm feeling rather blah today. there's no real good reason for it, either. i mean, nothing is wrong and nothing in particular put me in this mood, but i'm in it nonetheless. i'm sure it doesn't help that it's cold and foggy out either.

i do have a swell new pair of shoes on today, though. they are chocolate brown round toe leather flats with a light orange flower embroidered on the top and lime green ribbon woven around the opening that i slide my foot into. i got them when i was out with my girlfriend on sunday. they remind me of shoes you would wear in india.

hubby and i are meeting after work today to check out some houses. one of his friends is a realtor and found two houses inbetween where hubby and i both work, so we decided to check them out. they seem to be in our price range, which is good, but we'll see. many times houses that are in our price range still require a lot of work to be done to them and we really don't want to have to put time and effort into a house right away. we'd like to move in and do smaller projects, like painting, rather than having to remodel anything.

i started reading brave new world by aldoux huxley. i've never read it before and one of my girlfriend's highly recommends it. i'm ready to read something 'non girlie' again. something that will make me think.

speaking of things that make me think, hubby and i went to see into the wild on sunday. that movie is amazing. it's a true story based on the book of the same title by jon krakauer. it is hands down the most amazing movie i have seen in a very long time. it's based on the true story of this guy who, after graduating college, leaves unannounced on an amazing journey across the country, befriending people along the way and ending up lost in the wilderness of the alaskan brush. hubby had read the book and said the movie followed it exactly. it was produced by sean penn and was just phenomenal. i highly recommend it. i don't want to say any more about it, lest i give away too much of the goodness. just take my word for it and go see the movie. you won't regret it.

four things.

four jobs i have had in my life:
1. zoo docent at the los angeles zoo
2. rose float crew chief
3. executive assistant
4. engineering coordinator

four movies i've seen more than once:
1. office space
2. top gun
3. casino
4. sweet home alabama

four places i've lived:
1. glendale
2. san luis obispo
3. san francisco
4. sacramento

four t.v. shows i watch:
1. the office
2. law & order: criminal intent
3. dirty jobs
4. what not to wear

four things i like to do:
1. read
2. spend time with my friends
3. go to the coast
4. drink coffee

four places i've been:
1. germany
2. new orleans (pre katrina)
3. the grand canyon
4. coszumel

four of my favorite foods:
1. cheeseburgers
2. strawberry milk shakes
3. filet mignon
4. fois gras

four places i'd rather be right now:
1. at the coast
2. in the redwoods
3. in bed
4. not at work

four things i'm looking forward to this holiday season:
1. going shopping in the city with my girlfriends for christmas
2. holiday decorations in town and at my house
3. pine scented candles
4. hearing christmas carols

i hung out with one of my best friends this afternoon. it was fantastic. she came over late morning and stayed until late afternoon. i don't get to see her all that often because she lives a aways away. though we talk all the time, it just isn't the same as seeing her. she arrived and we talked for a bit before heading out to eat. i was craving a burger ~ big surprise ~ so we went to the local cafe. upon entering, we discovered they had brunch still going. she got spiced pumpkin pancakes and i got bacon, tomato and avocado eggs benedict. omg. they were soo good. for desert i had a frapachino type drink. sooo delicous. good thing my new next-size-up jeans had arrived on friday, because after that meal, boy did i need them!

as soon as our plates of deliciousness were set in front of us, she reached over and ate some potatoes off my plate. we both giggled as we inhaled our food. i loved that she just ate my food without asking. when my frapachino came, i slid it over for her to taste and she drank right out of the straw without hesitation. while that may sound silly that i enjoy that, those small things make me so happy. to me, that's what true friendship is all about. i shouldn't have to ask my friend for a fry or a sip of her drink and neither should she with me. it's called sharing. and besides. it's fun.

later when the bill came, i grabbed it first. she stated to complain, but then i told her she could just buy me something later. she laughed and said okay. i know next time she'll pick up the bill so everything will just come around like it always does. i would much rather go back and forth on things like that with my friends rather than counting out each penny. it's too anal that way for me. besides. there's more to life than money.

but i can't do that with all my friends. i only really do that with a small handful of friends. the others we go dutch on because they tend to cause a fuss or i end up paying too much. i honestly don't mind paying for things, but when it turns out i am paying the majority of the time, it gets old. fast. when i decide to pay, it's because i genuinely want to, not because i feel i have to. when i start feeling like i have to pay, i stop hanging out with that friend. i don't like feeling taken advantage of. or for that matter, being taken advantage of.

anyhow, i love my girlfriend and am so glad she came to visit me today. next time i'll go visit her and she can pay for lunch. maybe she'll take me to crepeville for banana and nutella crepes. mmmmm.

secret lovers.

have you ever had one? i have. i will say that it was fantastic. and horrible. at the same time. i never had the intention of having a secret lover, but it just happened. and it actually lasted for quite a long time. it started out innocently enough, just flirting and secret glances. but it soon progressed to much more.

it was only supposed to happen once. but it didn't. it actually turned into a full fledged relationship. well, as much as a relationship in secret can be. we were cautious and aware. we were hardly out alone, always going out in groups, but then meeting secretly afterwards. or before. we would have lunch or coffee together, but that wasn't ever seen as odd as in our work environment, everyone ate together. it was a very incestuous environment so everyone was always seen together.

we went to a lot of events, but never showed up together. we didn't leave together either. everyone knew we were very close, but then again, that environment produced a lot of close relationships due to the crazy work hours and way of life the industry demanded. we both worked in prominent offices that allowed us to be together often as our worked overlapped pretty much each and every day. and even when it didn't, we were still around each do to the close proximity of our offices.

when our work demanded us to take trips to conventions, we always managed to sit next to each other on the airplane and vans, though we were careful to be as innocent about it as possible. sort of how we 'just happened' to find the last seat next to each other.

we were charming and witty to everyone around us, so it didn't look like we were treating each other differently in the eyes of our colleagues. i'm not sure if people suspected things, but if they did, no one ever said anything.

sadly, he didn't take power all that well. as he started getting promoted, his ego grew exponentially. it became so ridiculous that i could no longer see him. he became someone i didn't want to be around and that made me sad. i longed for the man he was when i first knew him. i wanted his delicate kisses. his soft touch that would make me melt. the intimacy and passion that we had together has never been duplicated for me and i miss that. i miss him.

happiness is...

* sitting in a warm sunny spot as a soft breeze floats by

* having a new book to read and time to read it

* taking a long nap

* meeting a friend for coffee

* taking a bubble bath

* hiking in the redwood forest

* getting a letter in the mail from a friend

* watching the sun melt into the ocean as it sets

* having extra money at the end of a pay period

* cuddling with the kitties

* a lazy saturday afternoon

* listening to music that invokes good memories

* winning a bid on ebay

* going to a college football game and watching the team i'm rooting form win

* receiving an unexpected package in the mail

* going on a weekend trip with a girlfriend

* having inside jokes with friends

* enjoying a leisurely lunch at an outside cafe

* writing something i am proud of

* finding sara lee coffee cake at the grocery store

* getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep

* buying pants that i don't have to get hemmed

* watching the office

watching the beauty of the landscape transform around me as the seasons change

* waking up to the smell of a freshly brewed pot of coffee

good times.

i just got a random email invite to a political fundraiser in las vegas for rudy giuliani. um. yeah. no thanks. i already met him at an event that i helped put together a few years ago for another candidate that was running for a state office. (rj was the guest speaker) that event only had about 75 people in attendance so i got some one on one face time with the man. and a fancy photo to boot. you know, those cool politico photos with the man and the american flag and me shaking his hand. too bad i was drunk. ahh..memories.

so i was just listening to a voice mail that a girlfriend left me last night. she just adoped a new kitty, who she says is about the size of a beanie baby, and says that her other kitty has been pouncing on him. she then said it should be fine, but the new kitty will probablly have a tough childhood and maybe he'll grow up to be a writer. that totally made me laugh.

i tried a new 'curl enhancer' shampoo, conditioner and styling cream. i like the shampoo and conditioner as they did seem to work, but the styling cream made my hair sort of crispy and i hate that. i used the diffuser this morning to give my hair some extra oomph. i think i'll stick with my regular stuff. all of these products were samples that came from an order i placed to get my beloved bumble and bumble products. you see, since i live in a tiny town, i have to order all my goodies online. it's good and bad. good because i usually get samples, bad beacuse i can't just go to the store i buy what i need when i need it.

i also got a sassy new pair of glasses last weekend and hubby never even noticed! he's usually really observant, but for some reason, he hasn't said a thing. i really like these frames and have worn them almost every day this week. so now i have two pairs of glasses to choose between when i don't feel like wearing my contacts. i've gotten quite sassy with them, too. my first pair are chunky burgundy versace frames with a bit of bling on the sides. the new pair are thin tortoise shell kate spade frames that are lavendar on the inside.

i am on a total burger kick right now. that's all i want to eat. on wednesday i went to mcydees and had a big mac and gobbled that down in like 2.5 seconds. mmmm. earlier this week i had a western cheeseburger from a cafe in town with thin onion rings. yum! i have to say that cheeseburgers are my most favorite food. i think i will hit in-n-out on the way home. no wonder my waistline is getting bigger and i'm having to buy larger jeans....

these days i'm on a hunt for some good new music. i am a HUGE music person and have it going as much as possible. i like all kinds and it really depends on what mood i am in for what i want to listen to. i just downloaded a bunch of music from my high school days and boy does that make me smile. my new secret BF just turned me on (wot!?) to rufus wainwright and i downloaded a few groovy songs. seriously. when a song is titled chocolate milk and cigarettes, you just know it's going to be cool. so what are you listening to?

my drive to work this morning was just like the photo on my header. it was all foggy and still. perfect for the first day of november. i had a meeting first thing this morning so i left about 15 minutes early so i would make it on time. not only was i on time, i was 30 minutes early! it's amazing what a few minutes will do to traffic.

during my first meeting, i realized i had missed doing a bunch of stuff, so that's not good. but, i should be able to catch up on all of it today. and my bosses boss said that i was really highly spoken of in yesterdays executive meeting, which makes me really happy. thrusdays are full of meetings for me. i am literally in meetings from 8 am until lunchtime. but, it does make the day go by faster. and tomorrow is friday, so woo hoo!

saturday i have free and might go to a show with a girlfriend that night, then another girlfriend is coming to visit on sunday. i can't wait because i haven't seen her in forever, though we talk all the time. it's different when you can see someone instead of just talking to them on the phone or over email. sometimes i get pretty lonley, thinking i don't have any friends. but that's just silly. i totally have friends. but, most of them tend to live elsewhere, which is a real bummer. i wish i had friends i could just meet up with after work. like tonight, hubby is working late, so it would be fun to have someone over, but i don't have anyone to call. oh well.

i do have to make jerky tonight, though. hubby has been marinating venison in this tasty teriaki sauce and it makes the best jerkey. mmm. at of one of the meetings i went to today, we were offered these really high end turkeys for thanksgiving. i declined. hubby has already hunted our turkey for thanksgiving. is that weird? but it's oh so good! but, we will be out of town for thanksgiving, on a mini vacation, so i won't make the bird until another time. that is one of the nice things about living where we do. when hubby hunts, he gets the best tasting meat because the animals he hunts graze on the most delicious morsels the land has to offer, like wine grapes.

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