skybluepink

since i have been feeling extra squirrley these days, i decided it was time to watch some other folks who were having troubles as well. as i was watching this show last night i was hit with a sense of sorrow for sylvia. watching her made me realize, again, what a mess i was when i was drinking. as i was so often in a blackout, i didn't always know what i was doing or how i was acting. while the desire to drink has not gone away, i have been keeping strong. the past few days have been especially hard on me and i'm not really sure why. nothing has been provoking me, i'm just feeling that insatiable need for a drink. a voice inside my head says, "go ahead. have a drink. no one will know." but i can't. and won't. for if i do, i will surely spiral out of control to an oblivion that i want no part of.

there are people who say i should "turn my will and life over to the god of my undertanding" and while that's all good and fine, i am a firm believer in myself. i work hard for everything i achieve and damn it, i'm sober because of me, not because of a higher power. it's me that's not taking that drink. it's me that's drinking coffee right now to fight of that strong desire. it's me that's going to have a smoke soon. sure, i want enlightenment, but i really don't think something out there will stop me from drinking. maybe i'm just some big nonbeliever, but damn it. why don't people ever admit that they can do things themself without giving a higher power all the credit?