i am so pissed right now. we live on a corner lot with a redwood tree and an elm tree being our only protection from the busy street we are on. the elm tree is my most favorite tree. it is so big and pretty. this year we have set a table out underneath it and it's great. both of the trees help as sound bariers and shield us from the road as without them, we would be out in the open. well, c just came home from hunting with his friend, who is now on my shit list. he has been dangerously close for some time now, and now he has a firm hold on it. he has called our landlord and has told her the elm tree has got to go because it block his view as he drives down the road (he is a farmer and drives a big rig during harvest). muther fucker. and she okayed it! i am so red with anger right now. i cannot believe he did this. i almost threw the glass i was holding when c told me. i cannot even believe that we are going to loose our gorgeous shade tree because of this asshole.

not only was i in a crummy mood when i got to work today, the rest of my morning was pretty crummy as well. i had a few frustrations in the morning, all of which were mostly resolved by the time i left for the day. however, it still got under my skin. i had to take the bull by the horns a few times, but not in an angry way. i ended up leaving around 12:30 today, as my work was done and there was no way i was going to sit and try to be social any longer than necessary. i feel bad as i told my cher that i was going to stay for lunch and i didn't. i'm lame because i didn't even say good bye, but i was too frazzled at that point.

i hit mcdonalds on the way home and took an enormous nap ~ for about 3 hours. life is so much better now. i'm going to yoga this evening and i have tomorrow off, so i'm in good spirits now. plus, i just got off the phone with a friend and we're going to meet for coffee tomorrow morning so i'm looking forward to that. i also have a hair cut and a facial scheduled starting at 11 am tomorrow morning and flowergirl will be stopping by in the afternoon with my weekly arrangements, so it's a day of treats for me. i work on wednesday then have thursday off. usually i have two days in a row off, but this week someone really needed wednesday off so my days had to be split, but no big deal for me. i just have to say, it's really amazing what mcdonalds and a good nap will do for my well being. :)

i'm in a mood right now. mostly sad, alot confused. yesterday we had some friends over for a bbq. c set up a table under the big tree in our front yard and it was so nice. we snacked and chatted, then c got up and got the grill going. one would think all was going well. i had bought some beer for our friends and lots of sparkling water for me and c. i also bought some non-alcoholic beer, which i enjoy from time to time, mostly with c's dad, who also is sober. at any rate, c flipped out at me, saying that i was drinking regular beer and that i was acting just like i used to when i did drink. i was SO blown away. and really hurt. i thought we were having a lovely afternoon, but he obviously didn't think so. he confronted me in the kitchen, saying my eyes were all dialated and i was acting wierd. i didn't know what to say, i was so shocked. of course, i stumbled over my words because i was so baffled at what he was accusing me of, so that made matters worse. i just couldn't belive it. it also proved to me that he really doesn't know me at all. in no way was i acting 'out of control' or how i used to act when i was a big drinker. i was so shocked. i barley said anything for the rest of the time our friends were over, and since this incident occoured before we had even started on dinner, i was pretty quiet for a while. i made myself pretty scarce, doing dishes, playing with the cat and so on, but was still just crushed. after our friends left, i confronted him, and he just disregared my feelings and mumbled a half ass apology. i got ready for bed and he thanked me for putting together a nice party, and that was that. i'm still hurt and he just doesn't get it. i like to have a good time with people and i have a very outgoing personality ~ with or without booze ~ so it hurts that he doesn't recognize that.

soo early

it. is. way. too. early. for. me. to. be. at. work. well, now it's normal time, but i've been here since about 5:10 am. that's WAY too early. i literally could not drag my ass out of bed. in fact, i got up at 5 am, the time which i was supposed to be here....but, luckily i just threw on some clothes, put in my contacts and was out the door. thank god i live close, there is no traffic that hour of the morning and that they coffee was already brewed by the time i got out of bed. why am i hear so early? oh, since i get to deal with a perpetually late colleague who i oversea. she's supposed to be in at 5 am and has been repeatedly coming in closer to 5:30 or 6 am. today she waltzed in at 5:40 am. i told her i need a few minutes of her time, so i'll wander over in a few minutes to chat with her about her tardiness. i mean hell, run a few minutes late, i understand that, but 30 minutes or more? daily? totally unaceptable.

we're having friends over for a bbq later this afternoon. yesterday i did just fine without a nap (the first time that has happened in a LONG time, but today, there's no way i'm going to make it without one). Luckily, the friends aren't coming over until 3pm, so i'll have more than enough time to nap and and get the house ready. i cleaned and did laundry yesterday after work, so all i've got to do is work on food stuff and wash off the outside furnature. then, if i'm feeling up to it, i'm going to wash my car that hasn't seen soap and water since the rains were here in the winter. yeah, to say it's a bit of a mess is a total understatement.

i'm going to treat myself to a facial and a haircut on tuesday. since my birthday is rapidly approaching, i feel it's time to treat myself to something special that i usually don't do. i'm off tuesday so that makes things that much sweeter. what would be really sweet right now, would be if i could go back to bed. ah, to dream.

so i'm back. did ya all miss me? :) it was so good to be away. i wish i wasn't back...at work, that is. we got back yesterday afternoon around noon. i went and got a mani/pedi and an eyebrow wax to get all cleaned up. i was a mess!

the weather at the cabin was beautiful but so incredably dry. i could barely wear my contacts, my eyes were so dry. luckily, i like my glasses a lot since i ended up wearing them most of the time. we took a few day drives, which was nice. we went to tiny gold mining towns and a few ghost towns. we had lunch at our favorite joint, the polka dot, and it was fantastic. we've been going to the polka dot ever since we started going to the cabin about 7 years ago. it's this tiny hole in the wall greasy spoon hamburger shack in a tiny gold rush town in the sierras. the food is awesome and the scenery is breathtaking as we were in a valley of pine trees. everything was lush, green and fragrant.

we did a lot of fishing ~ mostly catch and release~ and took a ton of naps. the first night we were there, i slept for a glorious 12 hours. it was great. i napped pretty much every day out on the front deck. the only sounds were the pitter patter of little chipmonk feet scurring around for the treats we left them and birds chirping in the trees. the breeze would rush thru the trees, and that was a beaufitul sound. i sat for hours on the deck just reading and daydreaming.

the biggest surprise of all was when we got home. c's parent's had taken care of atticus while we were gone. the cat had gained a ton of weight! he's huge now. i mean ginormous! he had to have gained at least 5 pounds. he really looks big. oh, and our kitchen floor was a disaster. i was so pissed. i had cleaned the house before we left because i hate coming home to a messy house, and the kitchen floor was just disgusting. it took me forever to mop it, and i will still need to clean it again when i get home today. i just don't get it. whenever i take care of someone's house, i totally leave it the way i found it, if not cleaner.

well, i'm starving. gonna go see what i can rustle up....

strange times

so the oddest thing happened today. i was at work, chatting with a colleague, when mr. fp came up to me and asked to speak to me. i went over to him and he handed me a starbucks bag. inside was a brand spankin new travel mug and a gift card from my previous department. and everyone from that department had signed a little card wishing me good luck. then he gave me a hug. it was just wierd, really. nice, but wierd.

other than that, my day was pretty uneventful. oh. and c put in his resignation at work. yup. he will stay in his current position until dec. 31 then will be done with the business forever. it's crazy to think that we moved here for him to work there, but i guess all things happen for a reason. he's sent out his resume to a few places, so we'll see what happens. he also has a teaching gig on the side, so we'll see what happens with that as well.

tomorrow after i get off work we're heading to his family cabin three hours north east of here. i'm sooo looking forward to getting out of dodge for a while. up there, we won't have access to a computer and our cell phones won't work either. i'm really ready for some peace and quiet. which reminds me, i really need to get to the bookstore this afternoon.

we're heading out to some friend's house for dinner tonight so i need to get to the grocery store as well, to pick up some stuff for a salad. my cher at work gave me some tasty treats for dessert so i'm all set. well, almost all set!

i won't be back until next friday, so ciao until then, my sweets!

i discovered these cute photos here and knew i had to share them.

good lord!

well, it's over. after a morning dealing with the powers that be, i am now out from under the hands of mr. fp for good. i resume the position i was working in last week, tomorrow, and this time it's permanent and mr. fp can't touch me anymore (i mean that in a purley figurative way).

and i'm secretly glad that i have today off...

i sent out an email this afternoon to my old department letting them know i was gone as of today, and not one person has responded back to me, exactly as i expected. guess i have a few enemies now. but that's okay. it's not like any of them were my friends to begin with. the two girls that i do get along with have know the troubles i had been having, so they were already in the loop.

i am just so glad it is all over and done with. i'm still crossing my fingers, though, that nothing sneaky pops up.

over the weekend, one of my most favorite people in all the world send me a care package. knowing that i had recently purchased a new coffee maker, she sent me two super large coffee mugs with a cool lawn chair graphic, a large bag of tasty cafe verona coffee beans from starbucks and a sweet little bag of good luck charms. it was such a delightful treat and came at just the right moment. i'm enjoying a fresh cup of coffee in one of the mugs right now and it's just soothing to my soul.

c is on his way home with lunch and i'm starving!!

mr. fp is trying to get me fired. yep. he is. he called me into his office today ~ he came in today just to talk to me ~ and told me he is incredably disapointed in me and that i need stay home tomorrow so that he can talk to hr about me. i am to call him at 9:30 am tomorrow morning to see if i still have a job. he won't sign my transfer request that would allow me to go to this new position permanently, and if he won't sign it, i don't get to go. if hr takes his side, i will not have a job. needless to say, today is a very bad day.

so with this new job ~ that's still not quite official yet ~ today is my saturday. i slept in, had a coffee and have been putzing around the house. i've done some laundry, the dishes and cleaned the house a bit. i don't have any plans, execpt for going to the gym later to swim, and it feels great. i think i could really get used to having 2 weekdays off rather than the normal weekend off. plus, since i get out of work around 2 pm on the days that i do work, it's not like my whole day is gone. and since c is at work, i really have some good time to myself.

yesterday there was a huge cf at work and it was ridiculous. mr. fp got involved in something that has absolutly nothing to do with him, as usual. it was such a stupid mess for such a stupid reason. i hate when people don't mind their own friggen business. they never realize that they make things worse when they interfear.

nice. i just turned on jerry springer and the show is called 'perdy girls and a drunk'. sweet!

freckles in random places
green or hazel eyes
straight teeth

dark hair
kissable lips and is a sensual kisser
when you can see the veins in the arms due to working out
nice legs with well defined calf muscles

plays soccer
has a tattoo in a sexy place ~ and the tattoo actually means something

is into music and listens to more than just one kind
is doing his life's work in something creative

believes in romance
believes in love

has passion

knows how to drive a stick shift well

speaks another language fluently
is well traveled

is loving
warm hearted

knows that it's okay to cry
respects me for being me

can take a joke and roll with the punches
is quick witted, but knows when to knock it off

feels deeply
loves without fear
is touched by people, places and things and isn't afraid to admit it

likes to travel to foreign destinations as much as traveling to a neighboring town

is spontaneous
will dance outside in the pouring rain

will take risks with uncertain outcomes

knows a lot of random things
is intelligent and can carry an intelectual conversations without sounding arogant
is well educated

knows the value of a dollar
tips well

is able to maintain friendships
knows when to act like a teenager and when to act his actual age

remembers what my favorite flowers are

my new slogan

whew! what a day. it started out great and ended in a bit of a tale spin. waking up early wasn't bad this morning, probably because i was excited to start a new job, and i got to work right on time. coffee was a flowin' so that helped as well. 3 of my friends came to visit me in the morning, so that definitly made my dad.

one of my colleagues from the other department called around 8 am looking for one of my friends, also a fellow colleague, and did i know where he was, and could i find him. um...i'm not working for her anymore, nor do i care about her event that she needs my friend for. but, i told her i would call him. she said 'fine' and hung up on me. i only called because i'm nice like that. i didn't end up getting a hold of my friend, as he wasn't even due to be in yet, but i left him a message letting him know she was looking for him. (why she couldn't do that for herself, i have no idea).

but the coup de grace of the day was when my new boss was in a meeting with mr. fp, an executive meeting no less, and totally put him in his place and it was involving me. i so wish i was there, but i heard about it several times throughout the day from various people. plus, evidently my new boss got under mr. fp's skin so much, mr. fp had to go back and complain about things (as overheard by another friend of mine). nice. if i haven't expressed it enough...i am SO GLAD to be out of that other department!!!

my day went by super fast and i love what i'm doing. the people that i am working with are great, which makes all the difference in the world.

the tale spin part i got myself into entirely on my own. i let my mind wander to places and posibilites that it shouldn't and now my heart is involved. i don't know how i let that happen, but it has. at any rate, i think i made a bit of a fool of myself this afternoon and have let my heart get the better of me. that hasn't happened to me in a really long time and i'm not really sure how to react to it all.

life is strange. i just spent the afternoon with a girlfriend and it was really nice. on the way out to see her, i listened to my ipod in the car and was transported to so many different places by the music that came out. it always amazes me how that happens. good memories and bad, they are all mixed together with music. many times i don't even realize that a certain song will envoke an emotion until the emotion overwhelms me.

my friend and i spent that afternoon shopping and lunching. we went to il fornio, one of my all time favorite places. it was delish. we then went shopping and i was actually able to contain myself somewhat. i did make a few fun purchases, though. i even found a fun nailpolish that i have been looking for ~ vamp by chanel ~ it's a deep burgundy that is said to be the original of the deep vampish colors and i love it. i'm going to bring it to the nail salon the next time i get my nails done.

i also got some fun new eye shadow and an eyeliner, a few pairs of sassy stockings ~ fishnet thigh highs ~ and 3 tops from h&m. my girlfriend got a fly new baby stroller for her baby on the way. she's due in less than 2 months and she's looks ready to pop. being preggers does agree with her as she looks great and has a fantastic glow about her. he's so happy, too, which is so nice to see. since i'm not able to make it to her baby shower in a few weeks, i bought her a little gift today. i really like shopping for someone when they are with me. it's so much for fun that way.

on my drive home, i realized that i have know my girlfriend for 11 years now. so much has changed since for both of us since we first met. she was the first friend i made when i moved away to college. i am such a different person now. she's more grown up, of course, but i don't know about different. she's still very much the same. i don't really think i would recognize myself anymore from back then. maybe in some ways, but definitly not in others.

i guess the one real constant in my life is that i'm always able to maintain my friendships. most of the girls i know have been friends with me for years now. if i do get out of touch with someone, it's more that we've grown apart for a bit than anything else, but usually find our way back together. i have a pretty solid group of girlfriends, and for that i'm so thankful. the more i think about it, each of my long term girlfriends have been with me for something but none of them have been there with me for everything. it just proves my theory that we all have people in our lives for various reasons. this also goes along with my theory that no one needs to know everything.

c'est la vie!

as c is out scouting land for deer, i am enjoying my evening home alone. i just got back from the grocery store and am enjoying a nice glass of peligrino with lime. i'm drinking it out of one of my fancy girlie wine glasses...they have handpainted dragonflies, ladybugs and butterflies on them. i don't use them very often, so i figured, what the heck. c always laughs at me when i use the good stuff, but why should they just sit and get dusty? i also use or crystal sporatically. it's so pretty, it's sad that it doesn't get used more often.

i was talking to a friend today and he told me he did not like me when he first met me because everyone else did. what? that's weird. then i told that to one of my girlfriends, and she said that she has totally done that before. hmm...interesting. i used to think he was so mean. okay, but he was really mean. mean and quiet. now he's friendly and we chat quite often. he now will join in with a bunch of us for lunch and stuff, which is great. oddly, it took him a good year to warm up to me. i've only really started talking to him within the last 3 weeks or so. but, i'm so glad that i am talking to him; he's great. i just wish he decided i was okay a few months ago! ah, but now is better than never.

i have a headache right now. grr. maybe i'll just think of the cute french boy at work and hope it'll go away...oh la la...

okay, so i just turned on the tv...dr. phil is on....and michale rapaport is on. i love him.....he's so funny.

there is an awesome breeze blowing thru my window. the air is fresh and crisp, with the scent of damp grass from the sprinkler. the wind chimes are dancing in the breeze as they tingle with delight. the fairy lights are twinkling and the sent of my dewberry candle that flowergirl gave me is floating across the room. it's so peaceful in my room. the kitty is snuggled on the chair behind me. i love moments like this. it's like nothing can go wrong and all is right with the world. or with my world, at least.

i was talking with a colleague today at work, one who i respect and enjoy talking to, and have decided to start doing yoga again. my work offers a class on monday evenings for colleagues and i'm going to start participating. i used to take classes a few years ago and really enjoyed them. plus, i used to be really flexible and now i'm just not anymore. hell, i can't even touch my toes and i'm really short!!!

c just came in with a huge harvest from our garden. he harvested our first ear of corn, our first watermelon, a whole bunch of tomatoes and some cucumbers. mmmm!

i have this facination with the deep south, especially louisianna. i don't know why and i have no idea what sparked this interest. something about the way things are down there. the scenery is beautiful; the bayous are full of mystery and the way spanish moss and old willow trees are everywhere. i also love the language of the creole folks. there's just something so different about it ~ like they are in their own magical world. today i was looking up some french words and one of my favorites, mon cher, is derived from creole and i had no idea. there's just something so romantic about french and so mysterious about the deep south.

after yet another obnoxious day, i have good news. i am starting a new position on monday. i am going to test it out for a week and see if i like it. but in reality, there is no way i'm going back to my current position if i don't like it and i see myself liking this new gig just fine.

i chatted with a few people that i needed to this morning and got the green light, provided i talked to mr. fp, which had me a bit nervous as i didn't want him blackballing me. the day proved to be obnoxious as the tension was high in my department and people were seemed more irritable, but then again, it could have just been me and my perceptions. whatever.

at 2:30, mr. fp called me into his office to talk. he had typed up notes he took from yesterdays meeting and told me he knew i was interested in the other position. he told me to go ahead and try it out for a week, and if i liked it, i had his okay to move on. otherwise, i could keep my current job. easy as pie. it was odd, though. i somehow thought that maybe he would have actually wanted me to stay in my current job, but i guess i was wrong. but, i am glad he didn't say anything negative and let me go with that. and by the time i had gone to talk to my 'new boss' and come back ~ all within about 30 minutes ~ mr. fp had already sent an email out to the department saying that i would be in another department all of next week and that i would not be performing my regular duties. gee...think he wants me out???

so i start on monday. friday will be my last day at my current job and mr. fp won't be in on friday, thank the lord, there is sweet relief. i will have to work an hour earlier, but, then i will also get off an hour earlier. plus, my new boss isn't concerned about overtime in the least, so that's a good thing. i always hate watching the clock. i will also have a bit of a different schedule ~ working weekends at times, so i will have 2 weeks days off. i am secretly looking forward to that as i will have time to do a lot on week days off, like random appointments and house stuff without c getting in the way. plus, since c's work schedule is really flexible, he can take weekdays off if he wants, so i'll still get to see him. and besides, hunting season starts next saturday so it's not like i'll see him on weekends anyways!

in other news, today is my 3 year anniversary. i woke up to a sweet card from c and he brought me flowers at work today, which was really cute. he had asked flowergirl to bring me some today, but she was slammed so she didn't end up coming by the office until after i had already left for the day. she said she had left some on my desk, so i'll have to wait until tomorrow to get them. she did manage to get to c's office to deliver the ones i ordered for him, so i'm happy about that. he said he really liked them and promised to keep them in his office.

we're going to dinner at my favorite resturant tonight and i'm looking forward to that. when i got home today i laid on the bed, listened to some music and read a few magazines. i just took a bubble bath and am slowly getting ready for dinner.

i just want to curl up and cry. i had an hour meeting today with mr. fp and another colleague who decided to stab me in the back. nice. things have gotten worse. mr. fp has now talked to 4 of my other colleagues/friends at work about talking to me during the day, saying that i'm 'too social' and that they need to stay away from me because it's being percieved by other people that i'm not getting my work done. yep. just percieved. i'm doing my work, but since others percieve me not to be, well then, by all means...let's believe them over what's really going on...

uh huh.

this is even more ridiculous because i deal with these 4 people on WORK RELATED ISSUES. one of them is a chef and we were working on a menu for a dinner for tonight. whatever. i'm sorry that i actually have good working relationships with people and am not just a snot to people. it's called having good work ethic while being friendly and professional ~traits that most of my colleagues do not posess.

the meeting did nothing but show that i'm not a valued employee to them and they could care less if i stayed or left. sure, he said he was my biggest fan, but that's a load of crap. he has never stood up for me in any circumstance, and the other gal in the meeting has now burned me 2 times. i'm over that friendship. she told me we would meet with mr. fp today to go over 'our' frustrations, and instead, she ended up meeting with him yesterday, over lunch, and today we talked about all the things that are being percieved by others that i am doing wrong. wtf is that?!

yesterday i talked to someone about another job on property. i called him this evening and he spoke to his boss earlier today about my interest in the position. his boss will be talking to mr. fp tomorrow. it was suggested that i talk to his boss before his boss talks to mr. fp, or at least as soon as i get to work tomorrow, just in case mr. fp decides he wants to blackball me. if that occours and i don't get the other position, i will be handing in my 2 week notice. that is for sure. c is beind me on that as well.

i am scared and don't know how the next few weeks will go, but life will go on no matter what happens.

on another note, atticus has been sneaky and eating leaves of plants during the night. well today he went poo and pooped out a whole leaf. it was hilarious!!!


ohmigod. mr.fp just walked behind one of my colleagues and said "b, you're wearing really tight pants today." wtf! why was he checking out b's ass and why would he comment? that is SO wrong!!! b looks sexy, as usual, and his suit pants are definitly not tight, and that comment was so inapropriate!!!! i feel violated. ewwwwww.

and since mr. fp is flaming and b is married, it's gross. i don't want to hear that. it's one thing to joke with your buddies, but that was not joking with a buddy.

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