germany wins!!!

woo hoo! germany beat argentina just now. my hands hurt from clapping. the game went into over time, sudden death, then kick off. argentina missed 2 of 5 goals and germany got all of its goals. yipee!

there's a tv in the colleague cafeteria and a couple of us kept going down there at different points of the game to watch. i also had espn up on my computer. the kick off was the best part.

only three of us who were watching weren't mexican...but german. no one else was interested. but that's okay. it's more fun to watch stuff with people who are really interested, especially sports.

i bet wuschi is stoked! :)

one day i want to make it to a world cup game. they were in los angeles a few years ago, okay, more than a few years ago, but sadly, i never made it to a game.

the countdown to hawaii has begun. today is my last day at work for a glorious week and a half. i'm going to try to sneak out early 'cause i scheduled a hair cut at 3:30 and just don't want to be here until then. i have stuff to keep me busy until about mid~day, then hopefully, i'll be able to take off.

yesterday we had yet another dress code meeting. turns out i will now have to wear a friggen blazer every day. this sucks so much! i haven't had to do that since i worked at the capitol a few years ago, and even then i didn't have to do it everyday. grr. so today is day one of the new dress code. luckily, i still have suits. yesterday i bought a new black suit from banana, but it was on sale, so that was good. i bought a suit at the begining of the summer, a blue and white seersucker one, so i'm wearing the blazer with black slacks and a sassy lacy camisol today. this is going to be interesting, though, as we don't have air conditioning and since it's summer, it's pretty hot outside. and they nylons are being strictly enforced as well, so while i was so free and carefree for the past two weeks in my pretty skirts, i will be free no more. so sad.

i'm going to dinner tonight for a girlfriend's birthday. i'm a loser because i totally forgot to make her a card. the week just went by and i forgot. plain and simple, i forgot. at least i have a gift for her. i have to jet out right after my hair appointment 'cause i have to drive over to sac for dinner. i'm not worried about the sac part, though, since i'll be meeting her at her house in davis, then driving with her up to roseville for dinner. i didn't get in trouble with my drinking at either place, or with her, so i feel safe. sac still gives me troubles, though. i still don't think i could handle going downtown or near my old neighborhood, especially the liquior store!

atty kept me up agin last night so i'm a bit sleepy right now and the coffee hasn't kicked in yet. c almost threw him in the garage last night because he was so hyper. he decided it was a great idea to start chasing ghosts at oh, 2:30 in the am and didn't really stop until almost 4.

grumble grumble. but i'm going to miss him when we're in hawaii. so soft and fuzzy, he is.

what a night last night turned out to be. i did some boring stuff at home like pay bills and such, then took a nap. luckily, one of my girlfriends called and the phone ringing woke me up. i didn't answer her call because i had to head out to a meeting where i collected my 9 month chip. it was cool. one of my friends came just because i was going to get a chip. it was so nice of him. i felt really good and proud of myself.

then i drove home. (c had driven himself there because he had gone out to dinner before with a few guys to celebrate their sobriety bdays).

on my way home i got pulled over by the sherrif. it was awful. he was such an asshole. i was going 50 mph in a 55 mph zone, so i knew that part was fine. nothing was wrong with my car, so i knew i was fine there. my registration is all up to date, so i knew i was fine there as well. well this guy evidently had a big hard on for the law and had to show is lady partner how to do the job, so he pretty much harrased me. he accused me of being drunk and on drugs. i told him that i had just left an aa meeting where i had recieved my 9 month chip. he flashed his flash light all over my car and asked what perscription drugs i was on. i told him i wan't on any and he since my purse was open on the passenger seat, he saw my anti anxiety meds and asked to see the bottle. i handed it to him and he harrased me about those. i told him i take those on an as needed basis, like asprin for a headache and it's more psyosomatic that i have them with me anyhow since its been so long since i've actually taken one. he glared at me like i was lying to him. he flashed his flashlight around my car some more and got gruffy with me again. then he focused on my ipod, wanting to make a comment about that, but couldn't come up with anything besides asking me if it was indeed an ipod. he snapped at me for my license and registration and left me to be shocked in my car. i totally lost it when he walked away. he really shook me up. he was even more pissed when he came back because i did absolutely nothing wrong. no tail lights were out. nothing is on my record. i wasn't drunk. or on drugs. he snapped that i need to be more careful because he had pulled me over for a dui. well so sad for him, because i was totally clean.

i drove home very shook up. i just lost it. all i could do when i got home was sit at the kitchen table and cry. atticuls sat in my lap. i love that guy. i then ate a whole container of cottage cheese with pinapple. that was my dinner.

by the time c got home i was a little better. i told him what had happened and he was pissed. he said by the time he had passed the spot where i was pulled over, the sherrif had pulled someone else over. he said the sherrif was probablly even more pissed off by then since he had nothing on me so he had to let his anger out on another victim. i'm glad the night was over.

it just started raining here. not cats and dogs raining, but more like a heavy sprinkle. i like it; everything smells crisp and fresh outside. i hope it last for more than just a little bit...like the whole afternoon at least. wonder what c will do if he can't water. HA.

i FINALLY got a cd drive installed on my laptop at work. (don't even ask). so now i can play music at my desk, totally illegal at work, of course. i'm listening to the wedding singer soundtrack. music makes my life so much better.

speaking of illegal things at work, we were reminded once again that we are to wear hose anytime we wear a dress or a skirt, cover all visiable tattoos and wear closed toe/heal shoes. well, there goes my wardrobe, again. i had one exhillarating week of wearing skirts without hose. hose is evil. i will not conform, which is sad, because it is way too hot to wear hose so i can no longer wear skirts or dresses to work. and they want us to wear blazers if we are not wearing a button up shirt. hell no am i buying anymore clothes for this evil place. i have a few blazers but i will not wear them in 100 degree hit. we don't have air conditioning, damn it! there is such a thing as being too conservative. hell, make us wear a uniform if it's going to be like that.

okay, enough of my rant. the sun is out again and it's only misting now. i'm going to go look for a rainbow.

stuff

so there's this obnoxious group on property this week. they are in the conference room directly adjacent to where i sit. they have configured the room so that the doors do not close so i am so lucky to be able to hear their entire program. the best part of this is that the speaker sounds exactly like wallace sean, the guy who played vizzini in the princess bride and mr. hall in clueless. he even gets loud and excited like wallace sean. it was amusing the first 5 minutes, now it's just obnoxious. lucky me, their program goes until 5 pm today. and he is standing about 50 feet from where i sit and is pretty much shouting. loverly.

i finished my book, holy cow, last night and i want to go to india sooo bad now. i've wanted to for a while, but now, i really want to go. it just is such a different world than any i have ever visited and intrigues me very much.

i am looking forward to going to hawaii next week, though. my new bathing suit, flip flops and books have arrived. it's taking all i've got to not start reading the books, though. i really really hope c is able to relax and be nice to me. i hate being on eggshells. he keeps telling me i'm acting like a victim, which is so not true. anytime i tell him how i feel, he turns it around on me, which is lame.

i went to a meeting last night and made plans to have lunch on saturday with one of the gals there. we're going to a greasy spoon in town and i'm looking forward to it. greasy food is good. mmmm.

i'm going to another meeting tonight so i can collect my 9 month chip. there's a good birthday meeting on the last wednesday of the month that i like going to. there is another birthday meeting on the last friday, but it's not a very good meeting so i rarely go to that one. i'll go to another one tomorrow night as well. i have found that going to at least 3 meetings a week, tuesday, wednesday and thursday, work the best for me. sometimes i'll go on friday if i have nothing else going on and there is a different monday meeting that i sometimes go to, but that's about it. i like to keep my weekends free. if i feel i really need to go, i will go to a women's meeting on saturday morning, but i haven't been to that one in forever.

next week when we're in hawaii, we're going to go to meetings there. c discovered a good meeting when we were there for our honeymoon that meets at 8 am every morning. we'll see if i can get up that early when i'm on holiday! i'm sure i'll find others if that one is too early, though.

c keeps getting on me about my sobriety, but i know i'm doing just fine. i go to meetings, talk to people in the program and feel good about myself. i haven't talked to my sponsor in a while and i'm not working the steps right now, but for me, that's okay. the steps are a bit daunting to me and i'm not so sure about them. i really need to work on myself before i can grasp the meaning of them. perhaps i am looking too deeply into them, but for now, this is what i need to do. i am feeling better spiritually, and for me, that's a huge step.

i've started working on making cards. my colleague's cat died over the weekend and i made a nice card for her and had my department sign it. she really liked it, as did another colleague who also had a friend whose dog had recently died and she asked me to make a card for her. so i did that last night. it felt good to have a request. i also made my mom a retirement card as she retires on friday. i wonder what she'll complain about now...i shouldn't worry, though, she'll find something soon enough!

i in a very meloncholy mood today. i don't really want to be at work, nor do i want to be at home if c is there. we went to bed last night still not speaking to each other. he kicked me durning the night in his deep sleep. he's angry with me because he think i intentionally killed his garden, which i didn't. i told him i watered and he doesn't believe me. whatever. there's only so much i can do. anyhow, i think we're still not on speaking terms, which is interesting. i hate tension. but i also hate the silent treatment. i grew up with the silent treatment so i don't like it at all.

i just ordered a few books from amazon: Learning Curves by Gemma Townley, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and Where I'm From by George Ella Lyon. i'm going to take these, along with several copies of The New Yorker (which I have yet to read) with me on my trip to hawaii next week. i am looking forward to laying on the beach and doing nothing but relaxing. i hope to god that we are not still dealing with this whole silent treatment thing, because believe me, it's getting really old.



this is where i'd like to be right now. the weekend is pretty much over, and for that i am glad. it was a weekend of ups and downs and i am looking forward to getting some sleep, which will hopefully be restful.

saturday musings

last night was the first night of my girlfriend's bachelorette party. she rented a house near mine and all the other girls traveled here yesterday after work. the house she rented is gorgeous. it's up in the hills, so it overlooks the whole valley. it's so pretty and peaceful.

we headed down the hill for dinner and ended up going to a place that c and i go to pretty much every week. it was so great to be out with 5 other girls. i really miss girl time. our server (who is the husband of one of the girls i work with) was so great. he treated us like queens and made us laugh. he hooked the girls up with margaritas and treated us to a yummy plate of appetizers. everyone had such a great time.

i guess i was just so excited to be with a bunch of great girls that i ended up treating everyone to dinner. i made sure my credit card went out and that no one could give me money, even though the girls all tried. okay, well, all the girls except for my friend's sister, but she's a totally different story! they were all really surprised at my generosity, and i was just thinking it was a nice thing to do. i also hate the fighting over the bill, the trying to figure out what everyone owes and the bickering that comes with a group of girls trying to do math. it was just easier to pay. besides, i'm not going wine tasting with them today, taking part in the limo, or staying at the house. i felt that i needed to do something to contribute a little more to the weekend.

after dinner, some of the girls went bake to the house, and my friend and two other girls stopped by my house. i gave them the rest of the booze that we have left over from before i stopped drinking. it was good to get that out of the house since it was just sitting here.

this afternoon i'm going to meet the girls in town at a local pizza place for lunch. later, i'll meet them for dinner. my girlfriend gave us the cutest tank tops to wear out tonight. they are black with pink writing and each girl's shirt is specialized just for her. mine says "will trade husband for shoes". it's absolutely perfect for me! i am such a shoe whore! hehe. i love it. i will totally wear it other times besides out tonight. so cute.

c is off to the bachelor party this weekend so i have the house to myself. i was going to go for a run this morning, but i decided to have a coffee instead. i guess i should do some chores...the laudry is a bit of a mess...but maybe i'll just blow that off and go get a mani instead. :)

ewwww

i just saw the most disturbing thing. tweedle dumb just showed up for work wearing tight white pants with dark underwear. i just don't understand how she doesn't get the fact that she should not be wearing things like that. no one looks good in outfits like that, but she looks even worse. visiable panty lines are never acceptable, especially when you have a rather enormous ass, like she does. her outfits are just so wrong on so many levels.

again. i must reiterate: i have nothing against people who are heavy. some of my closest friends are heavy. i love them dearly and don't even notice their weight. but the difference between my friends and tweedle dumb is that my friends actually acknowledge that they are heavy and dress totally appropriately and they always look great. she, does not. she always looks awful. i swear she thinks she's a size 2. and she really needs to stop shopping at forever 21 for work clothes. it's just not right.

hot hot hot

it was so friggen hot today. sweltering is more like it. i think it topped out at 105 this afternoon. way too hot. way too hot in a town that doesn't have a lot of air conditioning. even my work is without. luckily, where i sit is nice and cool. but the rest of the property is steaming hot. my house was so hot when i got home this afternoon, too. poor, kitty! he was just flopped out on the kitchen floor when i came home. the garden was wilted, everything looked sad and drained of energy. but, luckily, the fog has rolled in this evening so it's nice and comfortable outside. i have the whole house open and it's slowly cooling down.

atticus now has a girlfriend. ida, the neighbors outside cat has discovered atticus, and vice versa. they have been sitting on either side of the window for the better part of the evening. it's sweet, really. even when i was outside watering, ida was just laying under the window and barely batted an eye as i watered right next to her.

i'm so glad tomorrow is friday. i can't wait to sleep in on saturday! getting to work at 7 am really kills me. even though i get off at 3:30 pm, and i can go home and nap, it's just not the same as being able to sleep in, just even a little.

Where I'm From

I saw this on gypsy's site and knew I had to try it myself. This originates from here.
This is what I came up with:
Where I’m From

I am from swimming pools, from slip-n-slides
and earthquakes.
I am from a big house of wondering, secrets, jealousy and Chanel No. 5 on special occasions.
I am from old magnolia trees, ancient rose bushes and big front lawns, hibiscus, azaleas and warm summer evenings.
I am from camping in the redwoods and singing songs in the car, from Leonard and Agnes and those who I don’t know.
I am from the silent treatment and those who are always right. From “we don’t air our dirty laundry” and “always say your prayers before bed”.
I am from stand up, sit down, kneel, every Sunday morning and all holy days of obligation.
I’m from the City of Angels, mental strength, gin and tonics, potatoes and sausage. From coffee and pastry in the afternoon, skybluepink sunsets and breakfast at The Pantry.
I am from old family pictures hidden in a box on the living room floor, dusty old magazines that have lost their worth, stories that go untold and heartbreak that goes unnoticed.

so. efffing. tired. want. to. go. home. and. nap. with. the. kitty. can't. concentrated. anymore.

maybe eating lunch will help...

hump day stuff

i am now addicted to whipped cream in my coffee. fresh whipped cream, not the cream from the can, either. luckily, all the folks in the pastry kitchen like me and offer me the yummie goodness whenever i walk by with my coffee cup. makes the day that much better.

i was up late last night talking to c about my sobriety. it was a really good conversation, but i am dead dog tired today. basically, i have a lot of soul searching to do, which i already knew. i really need to work on some things and need to work on getting those things done. vague enough for you?? i'm not sure i'll make it to a meeting tonight as i'm pretty beat right now and tonight's meeting is a late one. but since i went the last two days and i'll be going tomorrow, it's fine if i miss tonight. i'm just not connecting with the right people at the meetings that i go to. he suggested that i start going to all women meetings and i guess i just might start to do that. there's one on saturday morning at 10:30, so i think i'll try that one out again. today is 9 months me, and while i definitly notice a change since i first got sober, i'm not exactly working things the way i should be. anywho, we'll see what happens.

this weekend my girlfriend will be in town for her bachelorette party. it'll be a good time, well, at least i hope it will. i'm only meeting them for dinner each night as they will be off wine tasting during the day and i'm not really into that anymore. :) but these girls aren't big drinkers so they won't be a huge mess like i used to be.

c is going to a bachelor party this weekend so i will have the house to myself, which will be nice. the weather is going to be hot again, so i don't want to do much of anything this weekend, except to stay cool.

since my trip to hawaii is 2 weeks from tomorrow, i'm looking for some good books to take along with me. your suggestions are most appreciated.....

this morning i decided to wear a skirt to work sans nylons. i hate nylons more than anything in this world. they are an evil creation and obviously invented by a man. my work, however, requires that i wear them, unless i am wearing pants. yes, i work at a company who thinks we are still in the 1950's. anyhow, since the weather will be in the 90's today, i am not wearing hose. my skirt reaches just past my knees, so hopefully i will go unnoticed by most. i'll just tell them that i'm wearing super sheer hose, so they have to look extra close to see it, and since no one will, i should be safe. except you can see my tatoo on my foot....

last night i went to the meeting that i detest going to. but, one of my friends asked me to go, so i did. i had to walk out; it was so bad. now i really won't be going back. i will stick to my tuesday, wednesday, thursday with the occasional friday meeting schedule. i like those best and get the most out of them. and there is good sobriety at those meetings. tomorrow is 9 months sober for me. i can't believe it. i really can't. i feel like a totally different person. hell, i've even started running again!

over the weekend i bought a new
book. yeah, i know, big surprise there! i'm really into this one, though. it's about the authors adventures living in india (she's from australia) and it is just facinating. i really want to travel to india one day. ever since college i have had a desire to go, yet i cannot find anyone who wants to travel there with me. i was first introduced to india in a woman's literature class while at sf state. i have know a few people from there but have never asked much about their culture as most of them have grown up here in the states. one of my ex's fraternity brothers is indian and recently had an arranged marriage, but i am not close to either of them anymore so i couldn't ask for any details. one day i will get to india...

but now i am on a quest for more whipped cream for my coffee...

I was just chatting with my cousin in Germany and he was telling me about a pilgrimage that he recently took part in. For those of you who can't read German, here is a translation:

In the year 1330, a priest spilled the wine after it was converted to the blood of Jesus Christ on the white towel that always lies underneath the cup in the city of Walldürn(the final destination of the pilgrimage). When the liquid ran onto the fabric, it formed the Crucified Lord and 9 heads of Jesus with crowns of thorns.

The priest was so scared that he didn´t tell anybody and hid the towel. Right before he died, he told his story and the towel was found. In the 1960´s, scientists analyzed the towel and verified that it is not a painting and that the liquid formed the picture just by runing onto it. The Catholic Church acknowledged this as a miracle.

Since 1706 people from Fulda and Thuringa (two towns in Germany) are performing this pilgrimage to thank the Lord for saving them from disease. The distance between Fulda and Walldürn is 94 miles; the average daily distance to walk is 18 miles.


My cousin says it is a very emotional and fantastic event. All the people that come together are special and everybody takes care of one another. The pilgrimage only lasts for 4 1/2 days, but it feels as though you have been gone for half a year. This is the second year that he has taken part of this event. I hope to join him one year.

anytime i read anything, i always notice the grammar that people use. i'm a nerd. i know it. one of my favorite books is eats, shoots and leaves.

this brings me to people at work.

people who are on the executive team.

people who repeatedly send out documents with incorrect grammar usage.

it's horrible. the most common error they make is using the word myself instead of me. it's awful. the will also insert the word 'i' instead as well. it's me, people, me. use the right word!

example: "please contact myself if you have any questions".

i kid you not. this happens pretty much every day. it's driving me crazy. yet, who am i to correct their grammar? it's not like they'll listen to me.

mmm. knowing the right people is good. i just walked thru the pastry kitchen and was given a huge dollop of fresh whipped cream in my coffee. yum!

in other news, i have won the battle of keeping atticus in the house. he no longer is a garage kitty. i told c that atticus was to be trusted, and to stop caring so much about his stupid wood duck (a duck that he has stuffed that sits above the tv) and let the cat be. he has relented and now is glad the cat is inside. he even lets the cat sleep with us! i'm so surprised, actually. and his allergies aren't bad at all. i knew he was being a snot about all of this. i'm glad i was able to prove him right, though. heh.

work is fine so far for today. mr. fp is a little better than last week, but not by much. he has another group coming later this week, so i know he will ramp up to super fussy in a few days.

we're off to hawaii in 2 weeks from wednesday. i can't believe it! i bought a new
swimsuit (the black and white one) and a pair of flip flops (the sand design) this weekend. i still don't know what i'm going to wear to the wedding, but it's supposed to be super casual and on the beach, so i do have a few options all ready.

c was a bit of a pill yesterday. he just doesn't know how to realx. he's just so wound up all the time. work is pretty stressful for him, which i understand, but he just can't seem to be at peace with himself. i'm really working on myself and am trying to be more understanding of him. i'm also trying to force him to relax. his family just doesn't understand the meaning of the word so training him is a bit of a feat.

i started excercising yesterday. i ran a whole mile without stopping. my legs are killing me today. i signed up for a 5k race on july 16th, so i've got some time to get it all together. since the race is about 3.2 miles, i think i will be okay as long as i run a little bit each day until then. c will be running a half marathon (14.2 miles) that same day. he's been training for a while now. 5k's are just the right amount for me. especially since i'm so out of shape right now. i don't think i've ever been this out of shape. it's frightening to me, really.

what a glorious day. i got to sleep in, until 9:30, the sun is shining, it's not hot yet and the big kitty is THE BEST kitty, ever. he slept with me again last night and won't leave my side today. he's just darling. i love him sooo much.

i realize that i really need my alone time. and luckily, things have just worked out well this week and i was able to get it. c has been gone since thursday, i was supposed to hang out with a friend after work yesterday but never was able to get a hold of her, and i was supposed to have breakfast with a different friend this morning, but we never connected either. so, i have had so much wonderful time alone.

after work yesterday i treated myself to a pedicure. it was great. i found some random place in town and got such a pretty bright pink on my toes. i ordered pizza for dinner and watched trashy tv. oh yes. it was bad. it started out innocent enough...

i wanted to watch dateline since i never watch it anymore, and it was an interview with britney spears. it was SO bad! she did nothing to help her whiskey tango image at all. it was filmed at her house and she was wearing a tattered denim mini skirt, a really low cut tank top and stacked sandals. luckily she was wearing shoes. her hair was a disaster, as was her make up. several of her eyelashes were stuck together. it was bad. oh, and she was CHEWING GUM. it was disgusting. i swear, i felt so bad for matt lauer! she was a freaking mess. he had no idea how to answer his simple questions. he was practically laughing at her. it was like a bad train wreck. i just couldn't look away. well, i could, and i did. i fliped over to dr. phil. it was not much better over there. but, at least i got to watch trash tv without any complaints from the peanut gallery!!

i have absolutely nothing planned this weekend, and i love it. i have been doing housework intermittenly and it's so great not to have constant nagging about when this or that will get done. i'm going to garden in a bit. and that will also be great not to have any unneccesary commentary while i'm outside, either. i swear, that man has to make a comment on EVERYTHING i do. i suppose i tend to be the same way. well, okay, maybe not so much.



pretty giries








the blushing bride, her groom and us

big cuddle time

after taking my huge nap yesterday afternoon with the kitty, i decided that i wanted to snuggle with him for the night. and since c was out of town, i didn't see this as a problem. so, atticus and i had glorious night of snuggling. it was so great. he was the best kitty. he only left the bedroom to eat, drink and poop, then came right back to me. it was awesome.

today i decided to see how he does in the house all day by himself. i know he'll be just fine. hopefully my flowers will remain intact. but other than that, i'm not worried he'll get into anything. he really is a good kitty. he just doesn't want to be locked up, like c always wants him to be. c just doesn't have faith in the kitty. sure, he tried to tear up the carpeting, but he was locked up and alone. naturally he'd do that.

i just can't wait to cuddle with him again tonight! :)

home finances

uugg. so i've effed up a bit on the home finance situation. i am SO not a saver. luckily, half of my paycheck goes into a savings account automatically that i cannot touch. however, the other savings account is linked to the checking account ~ both of which i manage ~ and i can touch that one. well, it has dwindled down quite a bit due all to me and my spending. okay, some of it was for totally legitimate household expenditures, but still. i am mostly to blame.

i have not shared this with c, as he would utterly and completly hit the roof. i mean he would literally take flight and hit the roof with his head he would be so angry. you see, he has this thing about saving. he believes that every dime that we make, save for our rent, needs to go into savings. it's unrealistic, really. he has never had to pay bills as someone has always taken care of that for him, whether it be a roommate or a parent, so he really doesn't understand how much things cost. in college, finances are so much lower and he lives pretty frugally, so he just doesn't get it, even though he says he does. he has access to all things financial at home, but he has no interest in anything other than savings.

anywho, i also believe that we need to do things, be it a night out for dinner, a weekend out of town or a new pair of jeans. he, does not. so i make us do these things at the cost of the money not going into savings. it's called living. it's not like we're in debit or can't pay our bills. and the dinners we do go to are soo inexpensive.

but this month, i sort of forgot to account for some regular expenses and i well, got overdrawn. it sucks. especially at $25 for each overdraft. grrr. at least yesterday was payday for him and today for me. but i still have to be creative with the funds. i hate this. i wish i could save better and stop spending and he could be more reasonable with spending.

plus, now i have this delima: we have charged up our credit card a bit ~with things he has approved, of course~ and i have been giving the balance of my paycheck (after the savings part) for the visa bill. well, when the card is paid off ~which it soon will be ~ i want to but that extra money into the other savings account without him knowing, so that i can put back what i have taken out. but, i think he may decide that i need to put that extra money into the savings account that i can't touch instead. so i have to become creative with the billing. meaning, i'm going to have to say that certain bills are a bit more so i can syphon the extra money into the other account. make sense? maybe i'm just stressing over nothing. but you guys don't know him like i know him...

ramblings

i'm so stoked! i just hooked up my ipod to my stero. now i have awesome sound and i saved a TON of money. see, i'm sort of addicted to bose systems. i have two of them and they rock. i got an ipod about 2 years ago and i love it. but, the only way i can listen to it is with ear phones or off my computer, and the sound quality just isn't so great. i also have some great dealio that plugs into my cigarette lighter in the car. but what i really want is something that will play my ipod in the house, our outside. anyhow, i really want one of those nifty bose
ipod docking systems, but they cost $300 and i don't have that kind of extra cash. so i did the next best thing. i bought a universal dock from apple for only $39. and it plugs right into my very own bose, so, now i have the bose docking system for only pennies. okay, well a few dollars, but still. i'm SO excited! oot oot!

c and his dad went to their family cabin to open it for the summer ~it's closed in the winter due to the mass amounts of snow~ so atticus and i have the house to ourselves until saturday afternoon. we're so excited. c and his dad were going to stay until sunday, but then his dad realized it's his his anniversary that day...

so needless to say, the house has been nice and quiet. i was so tired today at work that all i could think of was taking a nap. i let atticus in when i got home and we napped together for 2 hours. it was freaking fantastic. he cuddled right up to me on the bed~something c doesn't allow.

i had to set my alarm so i wouldn't miss my aa meeting, and good think too~! i woke up, oh, about 10 minutes before the alarm. i was beat.

i let atticus have free reign of the house. c would kill me if he knew. but i know the kitty doesn't mean to be destructive. he just wants to play in the middle of the night and doesn't want to be locked up. anyhow, when i came home from the meeting ~ i was gone about 1 1/2 hours ~ the house and the cat were just fine. there was a warm spot on my pillow where he had laid and that was it. now he's curled up between me and the keyboard with his head on my arm. it's so sweet. i LOVE when he does that.

tomorrow i'm going over to a friend's house after work. she's an aa friend and pretty cool. i haven't talked to my sponsor since last wednesday and know i need to call her. i need to tell her that i can't deal with how we have been going about things. i know that she means very well and that she is doing her best with me. i'm just a difficult person. i can't be pushed and proded. i still have reservations about these 12 steps. i'm not really into them. i don't like having all these people think they can solve my problems. i swear i know they mean well and that everyone goes through these things, but i just don't know. maybe i just don't get it all. at least i'm not drinking, right? that has to account for something!!

so mr. fp told me the other day that he's on myspace. i had to check it out. it's SO LAME. myspace is LAME. if you are 19, it's cool. if you're over 25, get a life. really. i don't know. maybe i'm missing something. his is lame, too. and he has 'friends' linked from work that are so not his friends. i mean, are you kidding me? just because you know someone doesn't mean they are your friend. it's so odd to me. i'm all for making friends, and online friends at that, but it's just kind of odd to me, this whole myspace thing. i thought by looking at his site i would get a glimpse into what makes him tick, but nope. nothing thought provoking at all. weird for someone who is 38. whatever.

and speaking of him, he has been out of control again these past two weeks. i guess one of his friends overdosed on e on monday. um...you're 38. why are your friends overdosing on e? are you going to raves? aren't you a little old for that? i guess whatever floats your boat....but e? at 38?

judge people much??? oh, no, not me! heh.

kangaroo lovin'


i got this email today from one of my most favorite people, the White Bear, and knew i had to share...

:-)

xoxo

ps -

don't go crazy trying to find a new job. Be happy w/who you are and the job scene will take care of itself. Don't be happy w/who you are and no job in the world except lion tamer will satisfy you, muffin.

okay, now i'm freaking out. i can't quit just yet. i'm still not sure. or maybe i'm scared of not having a paycheck. i better line something ~ anything ~ up first.

but i did sign up for one of those on line make money quick things. after signing up, i realize that it's really confusing....i hope i can figure it out. if not, well, it only cost me $50 bucks to enroll. i know. i know. sounds like a scam. but we'll see. maybe there's hope for me yet.

so enough is enough. i think i am going to resign from my job tomorrow. after calling in sick today ~well, actually emailing in~ and giving it A LOT of thought these past few weeks, i have made my decision. once again, there was a barage of useless emails that went out today. i do not have the strength or the energy to work with these people any longer.

i will tell them that i am persuing a few creative ventures and that i want to spend some time writing a book. that way i can bow out gracefully and not burn any bridges...i hope. being that this town is so small and that my father in law sits on several committess with some of the top people where i work, it would be best if i went as quietly as possible. and sadly, there is not a think that i will miss there.

i will give the standard 2 weeks notice and that will be that. i'm scared and relived at the same time. I have stuck it out long enough ~ just a month shy of a year~ so i do not feel like i am just giving up. i am dissapointed that this did not work out, but, i am glad that this was not my drea. i have learned that i do not want to work in hospitality ever again. maybe someplace else would be different, but i doubt it. it's a mentality that i just simply do not possess.

at least the local newspaper came out today ~tuesdays and fridays, that's how small of a town i live in~ so i'll able to search the help wanted sections.

race pictures




here we are, running the hit the road jack race in sonoma 2 weeks ago! c ran the 10k and i ran the 2.2 mile race....er walked most of it, actually. luckily, they got a photo of me running. :)

ohmigod. so i'm really excited right now. i was just looking on the paper rabbit website and decided to a little search...and found another paper rabbit store not too far away from where i'm living now! yup. same store, same owner, everything. i just sent off an email to ask to be put on their mailing list. i'm so excited! they are in grass valley, which is about 2 hours away from here. it's not super close, but way closer than the one in montrose, which is, oh, about 6 hours away from here. plus grass valley is a cute, quaint town, right in the middle of gold rush country, so it's fun to hang out there.

on another note, i cannot wait to leave my job. i'm SO over it. SO over being here and putting up with the daily bull shit. I'm researching some other options, so we'll see what pans out. I even have been looking at doing data entry from home. yeah, i know. sounds a little sketchy. i'm going to totally check it out, though. i figure if i am able to find a legitimate company to work for, then i will get to work my own schedule, make money on my own terms, and still have time to write and create. i'm excited about the new possibilites at hand. it's scary, too, at the same time.

but, in the begining of august, it will be a year that i have worked here, so it's not like i haven't put in any time or haven't stuck it out here. and there have definitly been more cons than pros about this job, that's for sure. i'm only here for a paycheck, and that's not enough to keep me here. i can get a paycheck anywhere. and it's not like i'm making a ton of money here, either.

ah, decisions, decisions. life is wacky. and the weather is all pooey out. definitly june gloom. hopefully the sun will come out at some point today...

post secret


this is a website that i adore. people send their secrets on a homemade postcard and each sunday new postcards are updated on the site. it's really eye opening and i have found several of my own secrets that i am so scared to tell anyone posted by someone else. so in that, i feel thankful that someone else, even though i have no idea who the are, are in the same place as me.

so, thank you so much,
rhi, for introducing it to me (i snagged it off her site one day). this week, i came across this postcard. one day i will have the guts to send in a postcard of my own.

creative~land

so i forgot to add that this weekend i went to my most favorite shop....the paper rabbit. it's just fantastic. i have been going there ever since i was a wee jute, about knee high to a grasshopper. they have the best paper supplies and great ideas there, so no trip home is complete without a visit. this visit, however, i dropped some serious cash. so between the art store on friday and the paper rabbit on saturday, i've got a lot of supplies. (okay, okay, so a t-shirt and 2 stuffed bunnies aren't supplies...but everything else is!)

i've already created a few cards since i got home today. i'm thinking that if i get good enough at them, i can sell them at local businesses around town. that's a long term goal, but it may not be so far off. there are a few little boutique type places here that i may be able to get into. also the salon that i go to might be a good option for me as well.

and i'm going to start seriously writing. one of my girlfriends called me 'a prolific writer' this weekend and i was so plesantly surprised that she would say such kind words. writing here definitly keeps my writing juices flowing.

a girl that went to grad school with c published a book last summer, so i'm going to talk to her to see what she did to get a publisher and so on. it's scary and exciting all at the same time. she published a 'chic lit' book and as i read it, i knew that i could do better. not trying to sound egotistical, of course. i just mean that i know i can do it and i believe that i can write better than she can and since she got published, that means i have a fighting chance as well. now i just have to get my act together and get on with it!!!

the best part, though, is that c is behind me 100%. he knows that my life is much more on the creative side than anything stuctured, so he's not worried about me quiting my job to persue something else. Yeah! but, i do have to prove to him that i am serious and will make some money, so it's not like i can run out and quit...yet.

so we're back home. and none too early, either. just about the time i was ready to pummel my folks, we were off. i can only deal so long with their out-of-touch-with-the-whole-entire-universe comments.

the wedding yesterday was beautiful. my girlfriend just glowed and the setting was gorgeous. everything about it was great. the people where wonderful, the weather was perfect, the music was a fun mix of indian, instramental pop and traditional songs. the food was excellent, the centerpieces were pretty...i could go on and on. she had a very creative guestbook, too. she made a scrapbook of her and her fiancee and left spots for all the guests to write a greeting. it was really neat.

it was a really facinating day for me, actually. she's indian and he is a practicing hare krishna. i'm very intrigued by the spirituality they both have. i have to admit, i don't know much about either, but am very eager to learn about both. i have done a little research and while some of the things i have found out tend to me very intense, some other things seem very wonderful. i'm always interested in learning about different faiths and beliefs, so i'm thinking that one of these days i will have to talk to my friend and her now husband more about what they believe. i find it all so facinating. some of the women from her family wore beautiful sari's and his father wore traditional hare krishna clothing, his head was shaved with a tiny tuft of hair in the back and he had on yellowish paint on his face. his mother also had on a sari and i believe she had paint on as well (it was very faint so unless you were up close to them you couldn't really see it).

the gifts we recieved were so unique as well. the name card ~for what table we were sitting at~ were in pretty silver heart shaped tea diffusers and on each place setting was a medium sided velvet embroidered bag with tea leaves that my girlfriend had brought back with her from her trip to darjeerling, india. it was so fantastic. i am going to brew myself a cup tonight.

the rest of the weekend was good as well. i had two of my girlfriends over for dinner on friday night. my parents were on their usual behavior, but luckily, everyone has know eachother for so long that it didn't really surprise anyone. well, maybe my friend's husband was a little surprised at my dad, especaily when he decided to start a great conversation by stating that "japan is a third world country". wtf? um, yeah, okay, dad.

my mother started in on us a few times as to why we hadn't bought a house yet. she has no idea how much real estate is nowadays, especially where we live. (a decent 2 bedroom/2 bath house with a yard starts at around $700,000.) so, since our rent is only $1,200 for a 2 bedroom/1 bath with a yard, we're feeling good about our savings. there's no way we can afford to buy right now. we do have a bit saved, but we definitly need a lot more before we can make any real headway. plus, we're not in a rush at all.

yesterday, the plumbing started acting up, so my folks called rotor rooter. turns out they have serious root damage and have to have their entire water line worked on. they can't use any running water for the rest of today and most of tomorrow. i'm so glad we left when we did. my dad was already saying that he would turn on the water, because the rotor rooter guy really didn't know what he was talking about. um..okay. so this damage is going to cost them an amazing amount of money; it's ridiculous. but my dad didn't seem at all disturbed my this. in fact, he said "yeah, we've been having this problem for about 30 years now. i guess it's time we finally got it fixed." so, now, $12k later, they're getting this fixed.

deciding all good must come to an end, i just checked my work email (i know, i know) and there are 2 messages from mr. fp getting his panties all in a bundle. great. so looking forward to work tomorrow. maybe i'll quit this week. i really don't know how much more of this i can handle.

you know, i do have to say that i like going home to LA because i don't have to worry about things here when i am there. i don't let work bother me, and i don't let other crap bother me. and i have great friends there that don't judge me, just love me. they listen, offer advise, then let me be. they just let me be myself.

i have to say that since i stopped drinking and have started this whole aa thing, things have been really different. yes, i a am glad to be sober. but i'm really not so sure about aa. i understand they are support to help me not pick up a drink, but i don't know if the approach that i'm dealing with is really working for me. i haven't called my sponsor since wednesday, and truthfully, i haven't thought of her once since i've been gone. now i have this nagging inside me that tells me that i have to call her. i don't like her questioning me of everthing i have and have not done. it makes me really defensive. like i have to explain my every move to her. i don't have to explain myself to anyone, so i don't like how she makes me feel that i have to explain myself to her. i know it's all part of the program of recovery, but it's not working for me, at all.

i've got to figure something out. soon.

i miss living in LA. there's just so much here. and some of close friends are here. we arrived last night and headed straight to my parent's house to a typical dinner ~ neuernberger sausage, pan fried potatoes and vegetables from the garden. watermelon for desert. my folks were in a good mood, which was good. mom told me i had lost weight and was happy with me. c and i went to bed around 10:30 and slept in until about that 10 this morning. it was so GREAT. it sprinkled last night, which was odd for LA in june, but it was nice. my parent's house is so quiet and the beds are so comfortable, that you get a great night sleep here. both my parent's are at work today so we've had the whole day to ourselves. we had coffee (kona coffee, too!) in bed and finally got up around noon. we took a walk to a local coffee shop and had lunch. i talked to two of my girlfriends and made an executive decision to have them over for dinner tonight. c and i then walked down to a shopping center and did a little shopping at a great art store. we walked by the grocery store where there was a starbucks (yipee!) inside and got a tasty coffee treat. now we're just chilling. dad recently bought a hdtv so i'm watching cops in high definition. it's sweet. still no cable for them, but that's okay. theyr'e so bizarre. but whatever. i like my parent's home. it's very homey. very lived in. very unlike c's parent's home which is so unlived in. so cold and unwelcome. nothing is ever out of place. i'm always afraid to sit down or ruin something. i wonder how the big kitty is doing. he's a little houdini now. he figured out how to open doors and is able to get out of his room and into our bedroom....oh...there's the phone. gotta pick mom up from work!

so i almost quit work today. actually, i almost yelled "fuck you, mr. fp." and walked off, only i didn't say anything and just walked off. i am so sick and tired of that fucking place. i cried the whole way home and i never do that. i called c and said that i had had it. he was totally supportive of me. in fact, he even said it was okay for me to look for something else. something i would enjoy to do. something creative. i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders when he said that. i'm not going to do anything just yet, but i am glad that c is on my side.

tomorrow, i won't swear so fucking much.

to my friends: i love you. you know who you are. *the white polar bear, california sister, wuschi, flowergirl, to name a few*

to everyone else: leave me the fuck alone. i swear to god, i am so tired of people. just please, leave me the fuck alone! why do you all need to me on my case over every damn little thing? okay, so maybe i'm just sensitive and need to be washed in woolite today, but honestly, it's getting to be a bit much these days.

to my colleagues: must you point out every little thing? can't i walk into work at 7 am without someone commenting that i look tired? um..it's 7 in the morning. i haven't had my coffee yet. of course i'm tired, dumbass! yes, my hair is wavy today. i took a shower last night and went to bed with my hair wet and this is the result. no, i didn't do anything to it. hell, i didn't even brush it. it just looks cool without any effort. so there.

to one of the bob's: no, i did not check on your group yesterday. in case you haven't noticed, all the additional work you have given me is filling up my day so much that i don't have time for every tiny little thing that you should be working on in the first place but are having me do because you are too lazy, you fat ass!

to c: just because i can ignore the cat's meowing in the middle of the night and you can't is no reason to get fussy with me. stop trying to get me out of my slumber to go deal with the cat. you deal with him if he wakes you up. i'm sleeping, damn it!! and stop kicking me to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. i hear it. so maybe i just want to hit snooze a few times. leave me alone and let me snooze! i let you snooze.

and stop asking me to cut the roses. i told you i would cut them, didn't i? we're not leaving until tomorrow evening to go to LA, so i have plenty of time to get it done. last night i was paying bills when you were hounding me. why can't you let me do things on my own terms? why must i always do things on someone else's terms? so i ended up cutting the roses after i paid the bills just so he would shut up about it.

i hate that. it's not that i don't do things, i just do them when i want to do them. not when other people want me to do them. everything i do gets done, and in a timely matter, and done well. it's not like i'm slow or procrastinate. i'm usually doing another task, then when i'm done, i will get to your task. people drive me crazy, and definitely not in a good way.

to someone in the program: yes. i know that i have a drinking problem. i am well aware of that. you don't need to remind me. i am not drinking now, am i? i call you when i have a problem, don't i? i do not need to call you all the time to talk about nothing. don't tell me what you think my problem is. you have no idea what my problems are. sure, you may have incite that i don't have. but you don't know everything. sure i have issues with my parents. but they are not the source of my drinking problems. i'm pretty sure they only have a very small part in the whole thing. i'm not worried about seeing them this weekend. i'm never worried about seeing them. i'm not lying when i say that, so stop telling me that i am. i can deal with them. stop telling me otherwise. stop telling me that since i haven't been home since i've been sober that i will have a hard time. i won't. home wasn't a place i drank a lot. i rarely ever drank there. and certainly not when i was drinking heavily. i only did that one time at home. and that was about a week before i got sober. my parents have so little to do with my drinking, so leave me lone on that!!! and stop telling me that i need to go to more meetings because i am going home this weekend! just stop. i know when i need to go to meetings. going home does not mean i need to go to more. i have looked up meeting schedules and will probablly go while i am at home, but not because of how i will feel around my parents. they are a different issue entirely. i know you are trying to help me, and i understand that. i respect that. i understand you have difficulties with your parents as well, but trust me on this, mine are in a world all their own and they do not relate to my drinking in the way you think they do. when i think of them, i never think of a drink. they do not invoke that need in me whatsoever. what they invoke is entirely different!

now my mocha is cold. but, it's still delish, so that's good. i had them make it with raspberry today because i deserved it. mmmm.

and i also want k to know that i'm proud of her for voting. you're awesome american and you rock! :)

um...so today is election day. did ya all know that? i totally forgot. yup. flat out forgot. pretty sad, too. i have voted in every election since i turned 18 and it totally skipped my mind. not one single person that i work with knows it's election day. it's unbelievable. no one has an 'i voted' sticker on. no one is wearing patriotic outfits. it's just another normal day in la la land. i know it's only a primary, but it's still important.

maybe i'm just so burned out on politics, or that this place is so friggen green, that my vote will rock everything to shreds. okay, maybe not, but most of the folks running for office here are in the green party. the town isn't even decked out in political regalia. no flags are flying, no blue haired ladies have their garages open, manning polling stations. nope. just another day in sad oblivion. c didn't even vote today.

my last election day was wild. just wild. i don't even remember all of it. i know i had a smashing time. i've even been told as much. we partied like the rock stars that we were. long gone are those days, for sure. now i live this ho hum life that i want despartly out of.

i'm sick of this job and want something that challenges me. something creative. something that will make me happy. not something that makes my will to live wither away. i toy with the thought of opening my own business, but don't know what that would be. a flower shop? a bakery? a card shop? naw...too much work. i would need too many employees. too much money. maybe i could partner with someone? i don't know. maybe market my greeting cards? maybe sell those at already established businesses, like flowergirl's shop or the spa that i love.

i just want out of this place. i hate being around helpless, hopeless people who have no dreams or aspirations of becoming something better than they are.

my shopping trip with my mother-in-law was just fine. we went to yountville since she had a few gift certificates and wandered around vintage 1870, a touristy type place. i got this fun bag...it's made entirely out of seat belts! it's very cool.

i also got some fun lights...two strands of white twinkle lights with leaves around the bulb made to look like flowers. hard to describe, but very pretty. i hung them over my two windows in my office at home. hopfully the kitty won't nibble on them!


i also got a fun yellow polo shirt from jcrew with embroidered green flip flops on the side where a polo pony would go. today i went back and got some great cole haan shoes. i got a great deal on them...only $56 from an original price of $135. and they are darling...black loafers, part patient leather, part regular super soft leather, with white stitching. mil used her gift certificates on my handbag and flower lights.

very nice of her. very nice, indeed.

we lunched at a mexican place that was very tasty. she had a non-alcoholic beer with me ~flowergirl always says "what's the point of that!"~ when i think about ordering one, and she's right, but it did hit the spot this time. :) i was frankly surprised that mil would have one.

today c and i got up early and did the hit the road jack race in town. he did the 10k and i did the 2.2 mile race. i won't say that i raced, though. it was more like raced for 2 blocks, then walked the rest of the way, with minor sprints of 5 yards when i felt too many kids were passing me. i don't know the last time i have been this out of shape. at least it was a really nice day out and the neighborhood we were in was really pretty. i finished in about 32 minutes (what i used to run a 5K in!) and c came in, oh, about 10 minutes later, running an 8 minute mile. good thing i'm signed up to do a 5k run in a month....yikes! better start training for that, like 5 minutes ago!!!

i took a big nap this afternoon ~ about 2 hours ~ and headed to santa rosa this afternoon to meet with my sponsor. we chatted and had dinner and coffe for about 2 1/2 hours. it was good. c and i just watched date movie and it was pretty funny.

the cows are back, grazing in the field across the street. i like the cows. they're happy. they make me happy when i watch them.

i don't want to work tomorrow, but at least it'll be a short week for me. going home to LA on thursday for a wedding this weekend. going to see some of my girlfriends this weekend too. about time for that!!


aaahh...relaxing. just what i have been trying to do. the massage i got on wednesday was sooo good. i sat in the hot tub at the spa before the massage and fell asleep on the table~i've never done that before~it was delicious.

i went to the wednesday night meeting and got home late. it was a birthday meeting so a lot of people spoke. yesterday i went to the gym after work with a girl from work. the gym totally kicked my ass. i thought i was all tough and could handle the the eliptical machine just fine. nope. it handled me. i only could do 25 minutes, then dropped like a fly.

i went home, changed, and went to a meditation meeting. i always like that meeting. it was sort of small last night and i gal i really like chaired the meeting. we agreed to hang out today after i got off work.


c had several allergy attacks last night so he ended up sleeping on the couch. i didn't get much sleep, either. i didn't really feel so great this morning that i almost called in sick. but i had SO much to do today so i knew i couldn't. after being at work for a while, i noticed my heart was racing and that i had forgotten to take my heart medicine so i had to run home to take it. atticus was waiting by the bedroom door for some lovin'. he's so darling.

i had offered to help flowergirl at a wedding tomorrow, but didn't hear from her today and my mother-in-law has been on me about a shopping trip, so i finally relented late this afternoon and agreed to go tomorrow. i am so not looking forward to that.




by the time the end of the day rolled around, i was beat, like a red headed step child. i called my friend to see if we were still on for hanging out today and we were. we hung out for almost 3 hours and it was awesome. tomorrow she'll be sober 24 years, and she's pretty great. i'm glad i'm slowly starting to connect with women here. tuesday was definitely the worst day i've had in a while. but since i shared at the meeting on tuesday, and again on thursday, i've felt a lot better. i'm supposed to go out with another gal from the program over the weekend for coffee, so hopefully she'll call me.

c is at a ducks unlimited dinner tonight so it's just me and the kitty tonight. i went to mc donalds on the way home so dinner was nice and healthy. ha.

i swear, i have the softest, most cuddly cat in the world!

worthwhile tv

while i don't watch a lot of regularly scheduled television ~save reruns of law & order on usa~ or back to back episodes of my super sweet sixteen, 8th & ocean and tiara girls on mtv ~ there are a few shows that i love to watch whenever i remember:

mind of mencia on comedy central

rescue me on fx

dirty jobs on the discovery channel

these shows rock. i highly recommend them.

we just had a meeting in the area where my desk is since our normal meeting room was occupied. two cute guys i work with also attended the meeting, and as the approached, one of the gals i work with patted the couch next to her and said

"hey hot stuff. sit here by me."

not to be out done, i looked at the other cute guy

~who i secretly have a harmless mini crush on ~

and said "you can sit here" and patted my lap. and he walked over and sat down!

yay! i got to give him a mini hug while he was on my lap for those few seconds. it was good. he then sat on they couch next to the others, but across from me. it's nice to have mini crushes at work.

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