so it's pouring rain outside right now. i could hear it pounding all night long. at times it rained so hard it sounded like it was hailing. i actually got myself out of bed, showered and to work on time this morning.

but getting here was quite a feat. first off, everything was soaking wet and swampy. i had to dodge puddles everywhere i went. the whole parking lot at work was pretty much flooded and i had to walk thru puddles as i walked down the street. normally i love puddles, but not so much when i'm in heals and slacks. the drain pipes were going at full force, leaving me no choice but to step right in their stream.

i finally got inside, vetoing getting a pb&j since that would require more puddles to cross and not enough hands for my handbag, umbrella and breakfast, only to find out that there was no coffee. and still is no coffee. only one other guy is here besides myself, and neither of us know how to use the big ass coffee machine. and absolutely nothing is going on today so it may be quite a while before we get some coffee. harumph.

other than that, things are going just fine. wish i had me some nice coffee. tea just won't cut it this morning. and from what i can tell, no one who knows how to make the coffee will be here for a long time, if at all.

down time

finally, a delightful day. i didn't really get to sleep in since c decided to start moving about at 7 am, but i did manage to stay in be until about 9:30am. the sun was shining brightly on my face when i did get up. i felt like a cat, all warm from the sun. i had a cup of coffee and lazily picked up around the house, did some dishes and made the bed.

I headed out to flowergirl's house around 10:30 am. I arrived at 11:00 am after stopping to say hello to 3 deer that crossed the road in front of my car shortly before getting to her house. she has the most adorable mini house. big trees surround the property and she has planted little flower beds of pansies all around. their happy faces smiled upon me as i walked up the driveway.

i found her honey in the driveway and he let me to her, feverishly working away in her shop fulfilling a last minute order. her shop is darling! light yellow walls, white trim, totally decked out with all the fixings for a great shop. we left a little while later and ventured out to deliver flowers to a wedding.

the arangements she made were so gorgeous. she does amazing work. we found the church, set out the flowers and left. pretty easy for today. we then headed out to lunch. she knew of a yummy place and we had clam chowder and shrip cocktail. soo good. we had great conversation, too.

i had a really bad craving for alcohol today. i don't know why, either. when we were at lunch i was especially struck for the need. i searched the menu for non-alcoholic beer, but decided to take flowergirl's lead and order an iced tea instead. a while later i mentioned that i was thinking about ordering a non-alcoholic beer, and she said "what's the point of that?"

enough said.

i ordered a coffee instead. so true. what would the point have been? to tease my mind into thinking it was getting something it wasn't? that's definitely no good. i'm really glad she said that. i took a magic pill as well, which helped squash my craving.

c and i headed out to a friends house for dinner. it was more like his clubhouse, rather than his house. i was a bit apprehensive of going, as i'm not a big fan of this guy's wife, but everything went well. dinner was good, as was the conversation.

we got home a little while ago and i am ready to relax a bit on the couch. the best of will farrell is on snl right now...

i'm looking forward to doing nothing tomorrow. i hear it's supposed to rain; a good day to stay inside and hang out.

i'm so glad it's friday. woohoo! it has been an interesting day at work. i got called into a meeting with one of my supervisors, snappy (because he's a snappy dresser), and the rest of the folks he manages time cards for in the department. some changes are taking place here and so that means more standards in which we need to abide by.

one of which being making sure we clock in and out correctly. sounds easy enough, right? not with the group of fools i work with. sure, i have been guilty of coming in a bit late (i clocked in at 7:15 am today) but it's not on a regular basis. plus, i'm pretty good at taking my 30 minute lunch and so on. and i am aware of overtime. i never go over, unless i'm approved of it.

well i guess these other gals aren't doing so well since snappy had to call a meeting about it. so now if we go into overtime, we will get written up. this really pissed of the gals. i think it's a little over the top, but i do see the company's point of view. overtime is really expensive. but anyhow, now the gals are gossip central, talking about how unfair this all is. just clock out on time and this won't be an issue. i swear! the things people try to take advantage of around here is unreal.

speaking of taking advantage, i got myself a nice cup of club soda (and yes, it's in my nifty coffee cup, on my desk) from the bar. mmmm. tasty! and a manager gave it to me, so i didn't take it myself or steal anything for that matter.

well, the morning goes on and i'm working on a project and i need to get some answers from two coworkers. it's like dealing with tweedle dee and tweeld dum! they are both such idiots, i don't understand how they are still employed. the obviously didn't read the very simple email i sent them, since they both pretty much restated what i had asked them in their return answers. i had to send three follow up emails to them asking the same question over and over again just to clarify what they were saying. it was ridiculous. the final straw was when i asked about a particular event date....

"so just to clarify, the 26th is when this is happening" (me)
"yes, they have been on property before"(tweedle dee)
"um...thanks. so Sunday, February, 26th, right?" (me)
"yes, the 27th" (tweedle dee)

this is what i have to work with ON A DAILY BASIS.

tomorrow i'm going with flowergirl to a wedding that she's doing the flowers for. i'm excited. she asked me yesterday if i'd like to go along to see what she does. then we'll go to lunch afterward. and today she asked me if i'd write some more stuff for her website. i'm so stoked and super flattered. i don't know what's better...being able to do writing for real, or the fact that she's paying me in flowers!!!

earlier today snappy saw the star and swirlies on my wrist. he liked it. at first i was nervous because i thought i might get in trouble, but i didn't. he asked me what the story was behind it and i told him it was to signify my 3 months of sobriety and he gave me a big hug and told me that was awesome! i told him i had just hit 5 months and he said that was great. i told him that it was a bit of a secret, and he said he would keep it as such. i had the biggest smile on my face after that.

one of my girlfriends just got a kick-ass new job. i had to track down her number at her current job (she starts the new one next week) so i could call her and congratulate her. i was so excited for her. i haven't seen her since september, so it was great to talk to her. i know she'll be busier than ever with this new job, but hopefully she and her husband can come visit sometime soon...

and i don't know if i mentioned this the other day, but on wednesday evening, i did, in fact, get a call from my sponsor saying that she wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be making the meeting that night. nice. just as i had predicted. i ended up not going that night either and have been seriously thinking of changing sponsors. again. c recommended that i call this one girl we know who has awesome sobriety, and i think i'll do that today. i just cannot deal with the other gal. it's so not working for me and i need it to work!!


so i just got in trouble for drinking coffee at my desk. are you fucking kidding me? good god i hate this place. it just gets worse and worse every day. i have a nice little discreet mug that i keep to the side of my desk and i got in trouble. are you kidding? i have been drinking coffee at my desk since i started here over 6 months ago! so because some of the other departments cannot have drinks at their stations due to being in a public area, i cannot either.

i'm not in a public area, you fuckers.

first of all, i was in an office, then i had to be moved because we had someone come from the katrina disaster who didn't want to sit in the open space. i was so pissed when that happened. here i was, all settled in my space, happy as a clam, and i had to be moved for someone who would be here temporarily! after i was moved, she left shortly thereafter!

then, i wasn't even given the option to move back to where i originally was. so now, i'm stuck out in this open space, which is crappy because i have to totally clear my desk off every day before i go home. they actually expect me to have my desk cleared off if i leave my desk at any part of the day. wtf? i'm up an running all the friggen time! i cannot clear my desk off each time i leave. and, if i clear my desk off, like the want me to, then some one else will come and sit at it, thinking it's just an open space. grrrrr.

i hate this place. but i still cannot get over the stupid coffee thing. i am so pissed right now.

oh gee, and i don't have my nametag on either. better get that on before i get in trouble again. like i did the other day...oh wait. that was for having my cell phone in my back pocket. yep. got in trouble for that, too. where else am i supposed to put it when my hands are full? in between my breasts????

mr. fussypants was extra fussy today. to start things out, he has to start wearing suits now and i think that has gotten his panties in a bundle. the upper management of the company is upgrading the way we all dress and such, very big brother of them, and the biggest changes seem to be in the way management has to dress. hopefully i won't have to make many, if any, changes to my wardrobe. i'm pretty conservative in the way i dress for work.

my tattoo is doing nicely today. the swirlies are very vibrant now. i'm not sure if i like them, but i'll sure i'll work my way into it. the star looks awesome, though. i know it will fade a little, so maybe in a week or so all will be better.

more comments came today about my hair. i don't really see what the big deal is, other than the fact that no one around here ever seems to change anything about themselves, so by me doing something different, it is quite shocking.

c called me this afternoon and was the sweetest boy. i love him so much. we have gotten so much closer since i have stopped drinking ~ it's really amazing. we are on such a closer level than we ever were. we are so open and honest with eachother, well to a much better extent, i should say. no one every needs to know everything about anyone....

one of my coworkers is raising chickens and i asked her about them today. c has wanted chickens for a while now and since children may not be in our future, it would be fun to think of some pets. but if i have chickens, does that mean i have to give up the idea of having a kitty? hmm...that might be a little too close for comfort if i have have both...

i am still pretty torn about that whole not having children thing, but it's almost like i am torn because it seems like the option has been taken away from me even though i had never made the decision to have them in the first place. oh, i really don't know what i want. i do want a pet, and that's the bottom line. i think i want a child so i will have a built in family, but i'm too much in my own head for that. and even if i were to have a child, that doesn't mean that they will grow up to be my friend, or to like me for that matter. i know we don't have to make any rash decisions, and it's a lot to think of right now.

i don't know that i would make a good mother in the first place. i have a tough time with pets, as it is. i like my freedom and having little responsibility for others. even c is a handful for me at times. i love him dearly, but i do wish he would spend more time caring for me rather than the other way around. not that i mind doting on him, but i'd like him to dote on me more than he does.

it's nice and sunny out right now. it was freezing again this morning when i left for work. it was soo cold that i had to wait forever for my car to warm up. there was ice everywhere, it looked just like snow. at least the weather warms up in the afternoon, making it down right delightful to sit outside. we convinced mr. fussypants to have one of our daily meetings outside today. i could tell he really didn't want to, but since so many of us did, we had the upper hand. heh. i'm glad it worked out that way. i definitely needed my dose of vitamin d.

today is the perfect day to go home and take a bubble bath. the way the sun shines into the bathroom and how the breeze floats through the window, just makes it feel like heaven. light a delicious candle, grab a good book, and i'm all set. i'm in need of some good down time today, so that's what i'm going to do.

i have decided not to go to the meeting tonight and need to call my sponsor and let her know. i know i have been having a tough time lately, but i need to take care of myself as well. plus, it's not like i have been missing any meetings these days, either. just because she has been missing a lot, doesn't mean i have to go with her tonight. and yes, i am being selfish. i've got to be sometime or another.

yesterday i got a huge compliment from flowergirl. she said she liked my writing and has asked me to help write her profile for her business. i'm so excited. i'm going to work on that tonight so i can have something for her tomorrow. this is just the boost i need to get me going.

ho hum ~

well this evening has turned out much better than this day began. after work i went and got my tattoo filled in. the nice guy at the shop didn't even charge me.

from there i proceeded on to the pharmacy to pick up my perscriptions. thankfully they were all ready when i got there. i was most concerned about my heart medicine, as i have a funny beating heart and the medicine helps keep it beating right. funny that it's the same medicine my dad takes for his blood pressure. as long as we're both happy and healthy, that's all that matters!

i also went to a new meeting today. my friend showed up as well and we sat together. i didn't recognize anyone else there, but that was okay. it was a really good meeting and one that i would like to continue going to. we read out of the living sober book, which is a great book. today we read about being good to ourselves, something i don't do too much of. it's funny how when i go to meetings, especially ones in which we read at, the readings always seem to pertain to me and how my day has been going. i feel so much better after going to that meeting.

i called my sponsor on the way home from the meeting and she's feeling a bit better. i guess i'm still bitter at that whole situation. i need to figure out what to do about that. she wants to go to the meeting tomorrow night, but i'm not sure if i'm up for it. that meeting goes so late and i've already gone to one today and yesterday and will be going to one on thrusday and on friday and potentially saturday. but we'll see what happens. she may have another migraine by tomorrow. yeah, yeah, i know. that's mean and thoughtless.

i cannot believe i have not had a drink in 5 months. this is by far the longest streach of time that this has happened since i was about, oh, i'd say 21. while i did a little drinking before i turned 21, i didn't really ever get hammered too bad until then, okay, well legally at least! i seem to recall a few drunken nights, but that was just mere college fun back then! :)

so i called in for my jury duty, and i am free for tomorrow, but am on call for thrusday. just as i predicted...i made a dr. appointment for thursday and now i'll most likely have to reschedule it. humph.

well, i best be going so i can update the dreaded quicken before i get into further trouble and get banned from watching magnum. ha. like that would happen.

eeek. totally having a mini panic attack right now.

make. it. stop.

why is this happening? i hate this. just took one of my special pills. hopefully the magic will happen soon and my insides will calm down. tell the voices to just go away and leave me alone. i don't want to play today.

my heart is racing, mostly because i am out of my medicine. it's hopefully ready for me at the pharmacy. for some reason i didn't have any refills left so they had to contact my doctor before they could refill. i'll be going in an hour to make sure everything is okay.

thankfully i'm almost done with work for the day, not that i really have been working at all today. it has been so dreadfully slow here. and i have gotten so many friggen comments about my hair. you would think that no one ever does anything different with the way they look. oh wait. they don't.

i just asked one of the gals i work with if she's going to the 5:30 meeting today and she is. it's a new meeting for me and i'm looking forward to going. i need to add another meeting to my schedule. i like the one on wednesday nights, but it gets to be a bit late for me since i have to be up so early the next morning. i seem to be calming down a bit, which is good.

people keep asking me if i have jury duty or not, which is so annoying. yes, i am on call. yes, i will let you all know if i will not be at work. yes, it is annoying that you keep asking me over and over if i will be going.

flowergirl came to visit me today. she brought me an awesome arrangement of peach roses. sooo pretty. she didn't even charge me today 'cause they are extra. yipee! she even brought me some home made garlic and herb bread. it is soo good.


going to go by the tattoo shop after work to get my swirlies retouched. they have faded so much you can't even see them. c has a journey after work with journey lady. hopefully that'll make him nice and relaxed when he gets home. maybe we can watch a movie together tonight.

i made an appointment with the doctor for thursday morning to take a look at this weird spot on my face. i've had the spot for a while, but it seems to be growing, which is not a good thing. i told c that i think i have a flesh eating virus and that i'm dying. he didn't really like that i said that...hopefully i won't have jury duty on thrusday so i can go get checked out.

i hate people. i really do. or maybe i should rephrase that. i hate most people. stupid, insipid, lame people. people who state the obvious and expect a return comment. yes, i am here at work. you are not seeing a ghost of me. yes, i colored my hair. it's chocolate brown, not dirty blonde.

i'm in a bitter mood and have been since i got home from the spa yesterday. it got worse last night and now is at it's peak...i think. c told me last night that he is afraid of having children because of how messed up he thinks he is. he has never admitted that before so that really freaked me out. i'm just getting to the point where i'm considering having children one day, but now the thought of not having that as an option, frightens me. not that i'm ready by any means, but still.

i will settle for a pet, though. one of my own and not one that i share or that has to live outside. that i won't stand for. i just want something to love me unconditionally, without reservation. i feel so lost and alone. especially now. maybe i'm being selfish and obtuse, but i really don't know. i have no real connection to anyone or anything. mabye it's that whole being adopted thing that's getting to me. i have no idea about so many things. i just wish i knew where i came from. it's like i was just created with no background whatsoever. it's very frustrating and sad.

i have no one to relate to, no one to understand. i wonder about my purpose for being here. it's not like i have any tradition or name to carry on. i don't even think anyone would even notice if i wasn't here. oh sure, people say they would, but would they really? i don't think so.

i hate being at work when there's nothing going on. we don't even have any meetings on the property today and i'm caught up on everything i need to do. maybe flowergirl will stop by today.

is it over yet?

what a friggen day. it started out well, then went in so many different directions. lunch with flowergirl was great. we really do have a lot in common. we shared secrets, but i totally felt like we were talking like we were old friends. i shared openly and honestly without fear, something i haven't done in so long. i really felt like she wasn't judging me, which is very new for me. i wish we could have hung out longer, but my other friend called and was running early, so i had to be home on time. i really want to hang out with flowergirl some more. hopefully we'll run into each other tomorrow sometime.

my other friend showed up and we headed over to the spa. i kind of didn't want to go, as i'm really trying to save money, but it was a nice day out and wanted to get in some mineral water soad time. we hung out for a good hour in the waters before our appointments and that was just great. it was so awesome to be in the pool outside in the middle of february. it was luxurious. we headed inside for our treatments and they were so decadent. it took a good 2 hours to get mani/pedis. we had to rush a bit towards the end because her mother-in-law had decided last minute to stop by for dinner so she had to hit the road. we didn't get to shower at the spa, something i really enjoy, but that was okay.

the bill was astronomical, and i was totally unprepaired for that. i never really paid attention to the price before we went, and i knew i got a 40% discount for the month, but i still never thought it would be as much as it was. i put it on the credit card and will go back tomorrow to make sure the price was right. after she was on her way home, i told c and he hit the roof. i really do feel bad about the cost. i had no intention of it being so expensive. it was a decadent treat,though. needless to say, i won't be getting a mani/pedi there for a LONG time!

after c got upset with me, i headed out to the grocery store. it drives me nuts that he complains about us being out of food but he won't go to the store himself. he thinks it's my job. grr. oh, but he'll totally go there and get himself something to eat or drink with total disregard for my hunger or thurst. i just hate that. he claims that he doesn't know what we need, or what the balance is on the account (the account part is true, i'm horrible at updating quicken) but still. he could totally go and get a few things instead of complaining about it. but i guess it's easier that way.

the also made some snide remark how i wasn't going to mop the floor again this weekend. i do so much friggen stuff around the house and all he always sees is what i don't do. i hate that. i clean the bathroom, do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, order netflix (okay, that's brainless) do the dishes 95% of the time...ext and all he can see is that i don't mop the floor. if he dusts, he'll move things and not put them back because he thinks my side of the room/office/my space is too cluttered for him to put things back. well, if he takes them down, he needs to but them back. humph.

so after i got back from the grocery store, i mopped the floors. i was going to start dinner when c reminded me that it was monday and we had meetings to go to. i would have totally forgotten to go so i'm really glad he reminded me. i totally lost track of what day it was.

the meeting i went to was good and i was glad that i went. i smoked a cigarette on the way and listened to no doubt and fiona apple. i'm going to try a new meeting tomorrow at 5:30 pm. i've heard it's good. i'm thinking of getting a new sponsor, too. i need to talk to someone about that. my current sponsor is just so unavailiable to me and it's really not helping me at all. tomorrow i'll have 5 months of sobriety and i have only met with her once and have only gotten to thru step one. i really need to get on with things. she is either ill or has a migraine. this is not working for me.

i wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow. i've had 3 days off and i could use 3 more.

magnum is calling from the other room again, but my bed is screaming louder.

my computer is making grumling noises and it's not making me happy. i don't like when it does that, it makes me nervous. oh stopped.

i'm meeting flower girl for lunch at 11 am then another friend at 1pm for a spa afternoon. i'm so glad i have the day off. the weather is cold, but at least the sun is out. i'm glad that flower girl and i have become friends. she's pretty cool and i think we have a lot of things in common. she's one of the first friends i made here. and she's awesome with flowers. :)

my other friend came to visit me yesterday and we had an awesome time. we went to brunch at this great place up the road from my house. they have the best eggs benedict. we perused the shops on in town and i did a bit of damage, as usual. she has more willpower than i do, but we shopped well together. she's such a great gal. we had really great conversations. i really value her friendship. her bachelorette party is coming up next month and she asked me if i was nervous about it since i don't drink anymore. i told her i had been thinking about it, but thought that i would be okay. as long as i'm not pressured to drink and i have a way out of situations, i'm usually okay. it felt so great that she asked me that. she totally didn't have to be concerned with my not drinking. what's so great to me, is that we've been friends for so long so she's known me thru all kinds of stiuations and she still likes me. and she understands me.

the weather is crisp outside, but at least the sun is shining brightly. the birds are out, chirping wildly outside my window. the cheeseburger bird is back, hungrier than ever. flowers are beginging to blume and the most vibrant shades of green are covering the land. even the trees are starting to bud. the cherry blossoms are coming out in bunches, sprinkling the town with colorful petals. i have to admit, i do live in a beautiful world. 'god's country' as c calls it.

i need to go pick up my perscriptions. i'm totally out. so, i haven't started the pill for the new cycle, but i should be okay as long a i get it today. i'll be okay with the other stuff a long as i start today a well. i think i have one more of my heart pills, so that's good. maybe i'll stop on the way to lunch with flowergirl. my other friend won't be at my house until 1p so i'll have time after lunch too.

my other friend and i are going to get mani/pedi's at the spa today. we're going to soak in the mineral waters for a while before our appointments. i love the mineral waters. to be free and float in the waters is so realxing and soothing. i need to quiet my mind~it is constantly running faster than i can keep up with.

i'm on call for jury duty this week. on one hand i want to go, miss work, be part of law and order. hehe maybe i watch that show too much...on the other hand, i'll only get $6 a day if i get called to be on a jury and won't get paid to miss work. hmmm....

good-bye blonde

so i'm back from getting my hair done. got very mixed results. i wasn't sure what i wanted, but knew i needed a change. my hair was looking too much like it did back in high school. in fact, a girl i haven't talked to you in years got in touch with me recently and after sending her some recent photos, made the same comment. this has put me into a bit of a funk to do something new. i guess i have been doing a lot of that since i got sober. today was just another day in on the road to somewhere new.

i went from dirty blonde (yes i washed my hair!) to chocolate brown. i cut about an inch off as well. i like it, but it is a drastic change. c really doesn't like it even though he says he does. i could just tell by the look on his face when he first saw me. he has tried to convince me that he likes it, but his has been so into long blonde hair recently.

i guess i'm just tired of how things are going in my life right now and needed a change. on the outside things look great, but on the inside, it's not so good. my cravings are slowing down, but i'm still not that happy with some things. it's like a daily up and down. nothing really i can pinpoint, but always something tugging at me.

i've been feeling like my views and thoughts are so different that everyone else's. it's hard not knowing people who are like me. i feel so closed off, like i put walls up that no one can climb over. no one knows everything, or even a lot about me. even the close ones don't know that much. i guess i've just gotten burned so many times that i really don't like saying that much anymore. i definitely have gotten a lot quieter these days.

So i just got home a little while ago from an 11th step meeting, and surprisingly enough, i'm feeling much better. i even ended up sitting next to someone i generally don't enjoy and it wasn't so bad. i had a surprisingly good amout of tolerence going by the time the meeting was underway. but before getting there, i was a crabby mess pretty much all day today.

every little thing bothered me and i couldn't deal with mr. fussypants at all, who, incidently, did go to that meeting in the afternoon. grr. it was very annoying with him there. he totally tried to micromanage, and i totally tried to cut him down, but in an offhanded way that no one noticed what i was doing. other than him being there, the meeting went very well. it lasted for roughly 2 hours and it was pretty positive. i went an hour into overtime, which will help out my paycheck, so that's good too.

i am so glad that tomorrow is friday. i asked mr. fussypants if i could come in at 8 am rather than 7 am tomorrow since i'd like to sleep in and there is nothing going on. monday is a holiday, and i will get it paid since i've been here 6 months now. i'm glad because on tuesday i have to start jury duty and i'll get a fat $6 a day for that. woo hoo. hold me back before i spend all of that in one place at one time!

saturday i have a hair appointment. i think i'll go darker. i want some sort of change and i'm not really ready to cut it yet, nor am i ready to hear c complain about me cutting it. c is coming along so we can hang out with our friends after the hair cut. sunday another girlfriend is coming to town so we can hang out. we're going to brunch at this awesome place up the road from our house. they have the best brunch ever. sooo good. i can taste it already.

we may get another tattoo as well. i think she and i are seriously addicted. we have a matching one so we may add on to that or we may individually get something different. i want to add a little to the star on my wrist, or at least darken the swirlies, since they seem to have fadded. funny about one at work has really mentioned it and i know people have seen it. i am very aware of the executive team when they are around. i'm pretty sure mr. fussypants has seen it, but he hasn't said a thing. but he likes the plumeria on my foot, so i think i'm in the clear. especially since it's not very big.

ahh...the sweet sound of magnum p.i is coming from the other room. it is beckoning me to come watch....

well i have turned into quite the fussy little beast today. i thought it was just hunger, but i have eaten several times today and i can't stop my internal monologue from shouting 'i hate you' and 'just shut the fuck up' to people who are around me today. i just got out of a meeting with mr. fussypants and some others and i swear my thoughts were screaming out loud. i had to look in a totally different directions so my face would not show what my insides were feeling. i think i need some chocolate. or maybe a cigarette.

i'm so glad it's thrusday, though. i have to stay late today for a meeting with a director about a new project that i'm working on. i'm looking forward to that. earlier today fussypants said he was going to attend as well, but i hope he doesn't. he totally takes center stage during meetings and loves to interrupt people with his self promoting comments. grr. he also loves to micromanage so i really hope he doesn't go to this meeting so i won't have to contradict him the whole time, which i find myself doing even when i agree with him just because i can't stand him and i want to see him squirm. i'm such a snot.

so one of the fashion victims has decided she wants to get flowers from flower girl each week like i do. she ordered herself this enormous arrangement, which is beautiful, of course, since flower girl made them. now whenever someone walks in to comment on how pretty they are and asks who bought them, she says "i bought them because i admire myself. i don't have a boyfriend so i'm buying flowers for myself". it makes me want to smack her. she is being so damn obnoxious about it. i swear these people are nuts here.

i feel like i am going to explode today. i don't know what's wrong with me. i feel so intolerant of people today. or maybe i'm just letting these people get to me more than normal. i wish they would all just go away and leave me alone. grumble grumble.

hump day


c tossed and turned last night waking me up at every toss. at 1 am he decided it was time to read, which he did ever so noisily. he thinks it's cute to wake me up to join him in the fun. it's really not. so needless to say, i am very tired today. i also somehow turned off my alarm instead of hitting snooze, so i rolled out of bed at 6:41 am this morning instead of 6:10 am, like i had planned. so, once again, i did not shower before i went to work. ewww, yeah, i know. gross. very gross. a shower would have definitely woken me up.

now i'm drinking very weak work coffee. i can see thru to the bottom of the cup and my cup is half full. hmm...

fussypants is here wearing some god awful baggy pants. they're just odd, especially since he paired them with a down vest. hopfully he'll take that off soon as it's actually warm inside today. i'm sure that won't last long, though.

one of my friends at just changed positions here and is in a dramatically different role. it's a good change for her and i'm excited for her. she came to visit me this morning to show off her new duds. as soon as she walked away, two of the catty gals from the next office over already stared in on the chatter. "did you see sweetie today? you know she left that department..." i tuned out shorly after that. can't they ever leave things alone?

yesterday we got word another coworker's wife had a baby. we got a strange announcement from one of our department head's saying that we need to go congratulate the father. these people really need an email telling them to congratulate someone on the birth of a child? evidently they do.

now the catty gals are talking about the baby and how small it presumably is. nice. can't they just be happy for someone and not make constant judgement? apparently not.



so right before i was leaving for the day, one of my coworkers walked by fussypants with an arrangement that flower girl had made for her to give to her boyfriend. another coworker commented how pretty the arrangement was

and fussypants said "that looks like one of happy's (another florist who also does work on the property) containers."

i piped up and said, "no, flower girl buys those herself. she doesn't use anything that's not her own. in fact, she just brought that from her shop."

to which he replied with a smirk, "well, they all steal from each other anyway." then he walked back into his office.

wtf? flower girl is totally not like that. she would never take something that wasn't hers. grr. that just made me so mad. i hate that he pulls shit like that. talking shit about stuff he knows nothing about. he is one of the worst offenders of gossip at work.

well humph!

so i am very annoyed. i went and got my eyebrows done at lunchtime and the gal totally took off a good chunk of my right eyebrow. now i'm all lopsided. grr. it's totally shorter than the left one. grr! is it that hard to follow the pattern that's already there?? i mean, all she had to do was clean them up, not shorten them and make them look weird. now i have to wait for it to grow out. i hate that.

only 20 more minutes to go then i get to go home. whoo hoo! i have to stop by the shoe repair store and pick up my shoes. i got an awesome deal on a pair of black prada leather heals on ebay and they only needed a little fixing up. i love shoes.

i sent c some flowers today and he really liked them. my flower girl made them nice and 'manly' for him. heh heh. i have 2 nice arrangements for myself too, 'cause it's tuesday and i treat myself to them weekly. i'm not waiting around for someone to by me flowers when i can do it myself with regularity.

today was so quiet at work. i did hear a bit of fuss coming out of mr. fussypants' office, but i stayed clear away. i pretty much spent the whole day goofing around online and updating my blog.

lunch was gross again, so i had a pb&j again. i had one for breakfast, too. i'm hungry again, though. i have some good cheese at home so i'll nibble on that before i head out to the gym. fiscolini cheddar is the best. mmmm. gonna go have me some when i get home.

sweet love

tuesday musings

well, today started out fine, then people started showing up for work. humph. i've decided to call my boss mr. fussypants. my previous boss was definitely the needy little man, and this boss is much more fussy than needy. he's also much more drama, which is even more annoying than needy. plus he doesn't throw things like the other one or slam his door shut or yell at me or hang up the phone on me or call me at all hours of the night to change is damn united flight because of the weather back east. okay, so i digress. anyhow. mr. fussypants walked in a few minutes ago and instantly my mood went sour. why is he here so early, anyway? we have nothing going on today so there' s no need for him to be here now. grr.

it's weird to see old people flirt. two older men, who have to be in their late 60's, if not early 70's, are always flirting with our office manager, who herself has to be around the same age. it's just odd. the men come one at a time and sit in the chair that's right in front of her desk and they just chat away. she has some boyfriend that she lives with, which is just weird to me for some reason, but they never really talk about him, but they do talk about her dog. yesterday they talked about her excercise program. i had to shut my ears before i went deaf. it gave me the heebie geebies to listen to them.

one of the gals that went on the outing yesterday just came in. she said it was fun, but that they started drinking at 10:45 am and continued on all day and it became a bit much. i could see that, for a nondrinker, that would be hard. but not for me in my previous life! ha. i guess they didn't get back until after 4 pm yesterday. i'm still glad i didn't go. there's no way i would have lasted, hanging out with those people all day long. i can't barely deal with them while i'm at work and i can escape from them throughout the day....

the fashion faux pas twins have showed up, but they are doing okay for today. both are wearing dark pants, so that's very good. i know the tank top will make its appearence in a bit, but since it's cold outside it might be a while.

i'm totally cramping up right now, which is rather annoying. sometimes i really hate being a woman. i have to get my eyebrows waxed as they are totally taking over my face right now but it's gonna hurt so much more if i go this week. grrr but i can't wait much longer. guess i'll see if i can get in today and deal with the pain. gotta love it. beauty is never painless.

getting my hair done on saturday and really looking forward to it. i'm ready for a change. i think i'll go darker, even though c likes me blonde. i'm more of a dark, dirty blonde right now. maybe because i haven't washed my hair since sunday. ewww...heh heh.

eta: i obviously didn't get the red and black memo for today. i have counted at least 5 people wearing a red top with a black sweater/jacket and black pants/skirt. i have also been asked where my red is (i'm wearing green and gray today) and have refrained from telling them where my red is coming from today, as i fear that would be away too much information for them to handle. :)

work was so good today because my boss wasn't there. my department went on their "team building" ie wine tasting and lunch activity today. they left at 9 am and weren't back by the time i left at 3:45 pm today. so glad i didn't go with them. i got a ton done today and wasn't harrassed every few minutes with more lame drama or micromanagement. it was so quiet on the property today. lunch was gross, but what's new. the weather was awesome, so i snuck outside a few times to sit in the sun.

now that i think about it, there weren't any bosses around today. no wonder it was quiet and everyone got their work done. amazing how efficient one becomes without the constant checking up on my the boss. i need to come up with a good name for his so i don't have to keep refering to him as 'the boss' since he certainly is no springsteen!


c and i had a bit of a financial talk this afternoon. i'm going to cut back on spending dramatically. i'm going to put the majority of my paycheck into savings and only keep a tiny amount for my personal spending. it's about time i did that. i'm so lame with spending. i really want to save, but spending is my way there's no excuse.

at least i'm not drinking anymore. that's the real good thing. i stil have cravings, but usually i can quench those by eating chocolate or sometimes smoking a cigarette, but mostly by eating chocolate. it's mostly a fleeting moment of want for a glass, oh who am i kidding, a bottle of wine. but when i think to how i will act while drinking and how i will say things that i will later regret and how i will drive when i clearly should not and how i will not remember things i will do, that will stop me from wanting anything. then there's the chocolate that keeps me safe.

and speaking of chocolate, c surprised me with a yummy box of chocolate today as an early valentines gift. so sweet, of him, that is. i'm having my flower girl make him an arrangement. i know it'll look great 'cause she always does such a great job. i hope he likes it. i still need to make him a card...

c and i have been doing so much better since i stopped drinking. i never would have imagined our relationship would be so good. i'm really amazed. i told him so the other day and he said it was me who changed and not really him. i guess he's right. things are so much more civilized and he doesn't have to worry about me constantly anymore. i can't believe what i put him through for the past 2 years, i really can't. i was such an asshole, and that's not even being dramatic. i gave up drama with drinking, too. there's no sense in that. it ususally causes more trouble than it's worth, like gossip.


so sad that the weekend is just about over. *sigh* spent saturday with two girfriends and had a great time. went to lunch, sad outdoors and chatted. then went on an awesome hike. then did a little shopping. i didn't buy anything, which was really good. no one else bought anything either, but we did try stuff on.

c and i went to dinner after the girls left. we actually went someplace new. a tasty italian joint up the road a bit. afterwards we went to starbucks then drove around town for a bit. it was fun to have a date night. later at home we watched cops (a big favorite of ours) then watched the movie waiting. it was a pretty good flick. c liked it 'cause there were lot's of penis jokes. ha.

today c and i went shopping. he needed new work clothes and i just went a long for fun. i did really well the first part of our trip. then we went to nordy's. as we walked in, c said to me "be good". hmm...i guess that's all it took! he met me a little later, showed me a cool pair of capri pants and i,like a good sucker, tried them on, loved them, and bought them. they were so expensive! but, i really like them and will be able to wear them all the time. and since i don't really wear shorts anymore, they'll be perfect. they're camo, so that's something new for me. the material is really comfy, so i know i'll wear them a lot. c has good taste.

luckily, i'll still have a good chunk from my paycheck to give to savings and c gets paid on tuesday.

i'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. well, now that i think about it, it shouldn't be so bad since most of my department will be off on their 'team building' outing to the winery. as long as my boss isn't around, i'll be fine. plus, there's really not much going on tomorrow, so that'll be good. i need to work on some new projects i've created for myself and it's easier to do with the boss isn't around to cause additional drama.

c planted a ton of flowers this weekend in really old wine boxes and they look awesome. lots of pansys. i love pansies. they have such happy faces, like they are always smiling. it was about 74 degrees today. it was so great. i don't want it to be cold again!

c is watching magnum p.i again. he loves that show. i bought him the first 3 seasons on dvd and he just can't get enough. sometimes i get sucked into watching it with him, too. that soundtrack is damn catchy.

ahhh...communication. what a concept. why is communication so difficult for people? especially the people i work with? but then, communication goes with common sense, and the people here are definitely lacking common sense. well, they are lacking a lot more than meerly common sense, but we'll start with just that.

a few weeks ago, my supervisor pulled me aside and mentioned that he was putting together a lunch and wine tasting but wanted to let me know that he was sensitive to my not drinking and did i want to go along just for lunch and skip the wine tasting. i thought that was very kind and told him how much i appreciated the gesture. he mentioned that i should keep the 13th of february in mind as a possible date, but that more info would be forthcoming.

well, that was about 3 weeks ago that we had that conversation. i totally put that out of my mind until a coworker just asked me if i was going to the winery for lunch on monday. i told her i didn't know what she was talking about, as i had forgotten. we were talking and it turns out the winery in question is oh, about a 45 minute drive away. the rest of the group is leaving the property at about 10:30 am and won't be back until late afternoon. well, i'm not going to drive that far just for lunch. and on my own dime for gas as well. she mentioned that she also had meetings in the morning and couldn't go that early and if i wanted to, we could drive together and go just for lunch. that's a thought, but still...a 45 minute drive just for lunch with work people that i'm not particularly fond of? thanks.

it urks me that the supervisor never had the courtesy to mention the distance or the trip again after our conversation 3 weeks ago. but that's just typical of him. i swear, i'm over this job more and more every day.

meme: (pron. 'meem') A contagious idea that replicates like a virus, passed on from mind to mind. Memes function the same way genes and viruses do, propagating through communication networks and face-to-face contact between people. The root of the word "memetics," a field of study which postulates that the meme is the basic unit of cultural evolution. Examples of memes include melodies, icons, fashion statements and phrases.

grumble grumble

heh. i was right. the supervisor is back and the drama is up again. he's fussy and irritated. great. he was just gone on a week holiday so he should be in a good mood. guess he didn't get laid. he totally got fussy when we talked about me taking on additonal roles that i had talked to the other supervior about because it wasn't the same as 'his vision' was. whatever. anything that isn't 'his vision' is wrong to him. 'his vision' wasn't working and it needed to be changed. the others agreed, we changed it, and now he's fussy. whatever. i'm over it.

i got a great surprise treat this morning. one of my coworkers brought me an egg mcmuffin and hasbrowns. yummie. i gobbled that up in about 2.5 seconds. it tastes so good when it hits the lips.

one of the daily fashion offenders is out sick today and the other one is dressed normal for a change.

ho hum...

work babble

*sigh* another day at the job. just made myself a pb&j sando 'cause i was about to eat my arm, i'm was so hungry. already had a coffee but my stomach decided it was done with caffeine so now i've switched to tea. i'm hooked on margaret's hope darjeerling. pretty tasty. i guess i'm lucky to have these things at my figertips here at the job. at least there are some good things here.

met with one of my supervisors yesterday. we had been playing meeting tag all week and finally caught up in the afternoon. i shared some thoughts on streamlining things in the deparment and she was really receptive. she brought everything up later at a meeting that i was not at. she's about the only person here who says what she means and does what she says. my ideas are actually really good, but we'll see how much resistance i get from the coworkers when things actually start rolling out. well, hopefully she'll still remain on my side.

the other supervisor will be back tomorrow. so not looking forward to that. the drama will be up again and he'll be running around like a chicken with his head cut off. it's so annoying. i hate how he makes such a big deal out of every little thing. and eveything is all about appearences to him, too, which sucks. and he takes credit for any good thing that happens and blames everyone else for anything bad that happens. oh wait. that's what everyone around here does. so friggen annoying. i swear these people couldn't make it in the real world.

updated the site a bit today. added a guestbook and counter. wonder if anyone will sign it. feeling pretty techy savy right now. sure that bubble will burst soon, though. heh.

four jobs that i’ve had
student docent at the LA zoo
cast member at the disney store
secretarty in the ca legislature
executive assistant/office manager, public affairs firm

four movies i can watch over and over
office space
top gun
practical magic
best in show

four places i have lived
san luis obispo
san francisco

four TV shows i like to watch
law and order: criminal intent
dirty jobs
city confidential
best week ever

four foods that i like

four websites i visit daily

four things i want to do before i die
visit the italian riviera
start my own business
plant an awesome garden
publish a few articles

four people i’m tagging

i wonder. do people ever look in the mirror before they leave the house? there are some major fashion offenses here at work it they are beyond hideous. everyday. the same people.

first off, there is this gal who is pretty big. well, everywhere but the lower part of her legs, which is just odd. but she thinks she's tiny. like a waif. her outfits are horrid. she wears super tight khaki pants that bunch around her protruding belly. then her butt gets hungry and eats some of the pants right up the crack. if that isn't bad enough, you can totally see the outline of her huge granny panties underneath. ewww. then she tops off the outfit with a bizarre sweater from the 80's that's slightly off the shoulder in some random color that doesn't really go with the pants. i know, hard to believe since they are khaki, but it's true! she also has short hair, but her hair is really fluffy so it just fluffs out everywhere. sometimes she puts it in a clip, then it just makes her look like a kewpie doll. i won't even start on her make-up, but lets just say that her cheeks are very prominently pronounced with blush.

another daily offender likes to wear her suit pants a size too small as well, but luckily they're usually black so it's not nearly as bad as khaki, but her tops are atrocious. and they're almost always sleeveless. that wouldn't be soo bad if she left her suit coat on. but nope. about mid morning the coat will come off and her flabbly arms are out for all to enjoy. it's just not right. the tops are meant to be kept under a coat, not to be paraded around. and to make matters worse, she is rather endowed so her breasteses are even more pronounced when she has her coat off. today she has a lovely top of turquoise, leopard and flowers. where on earth did she get that??? other days she wears lace v-neck shells. wow. oh, and to top it all off, she has a haircut straight out of the 70's which she still gets permed.

there's no hope for these two.


so i don't really know what to do....i have 4 friends that are getting married this year, all before summer, and 4 other friends who are preggers. we've been invited to 3 out of the 4 weddings and i've been invited to showers and bachelorette parties for all 4. and i've been invited to 1 baby shower so far. how are we ever going to save money?

they are all good friends, so it's not like i can decline things. one wedding we're not going to for sure...the one that's in the virgin islands. that wedding is just ridiculously expensive. the other 3 are very feasable. one is right down the street from where we live, the other is about an hour away and the third (if we're invited) is in la so we can stay with my folks.

i went to one bridal shower already and bought the gift for that wedding. the bachelorette is in seattle, but that may be the only bachelorette i go to. the other bachelorette is in palm springs and i may be able to swing that one, but we'll have to see how are are doing financially at that point. it shouldn't be so bad so that looks pretty likely. the shower for that one is in la and i can stay with my folks so i can definitely go to that one. maybe c and i can make it a long weekend down there since we won't be going on any big holiday this year.

the other wedding shower will be here so that works well. that friend isn't having a bachelorette, but i told her we could do a girlie day, like get mani's and pedi's or something. then come the baby showers. i can't go to the first one, but there are 3 more potential ones that i'll be invited to. even still, i'll need to send a gift 'cause they are close friends. good thing c decided we're not going to hawaii this summer!! we'd never be able to afford a house if we did! and thankfully dad is paying for my flights to la.

another friend and i are taking a mini vacation down to newport beach in a few weeks. we just need to get away sans boys for a weekend. dad is paying for the flight and i get a good deal on the hotel for the weekend. eeek. just got the date for the 4th wedding. june and in la. i need a cup of tea. or a valium.

laying in wait

i am so annoyed by people who don't speak english when i have to deal with them at work. grrr. it just makes things so friggen hard. you should be able to speak the damn language if you have to work primarily in the language. if i went to another country and worked there, i would be expected to be able to speak their language. but not here. i hate it. it makes things so much more difficult when you can't understand someone. so many people who work here barely speak english and i have to deal with them on a daily basis. why should i have to learn their language to communicate with them? am i being a total asshole? i don't think so. we don't make them learn english, instead, we offer classes in their language so we can learn to communicate with them in their comfort zone. wtf is that?

spring fever

corned beef and cabbage for lunch. yeach. i guess it's better than mystery meat, which they serve all the time. i guess i should be glad they actually provide lunch for us, but hell, they could provide a better selection. plus, they leave everything sitting out all day long so it's pretty gross if you don't get there right away when they first serve it up.

at least friday is payday. i need to put money in savings. even if i spend a little, i feel like i'm spending a lot and we're never going to build up or savings that way. c is really good at saving, me, not so much.

hanging out with my girlfriend yesterday was great. had eggs benedict for breakfast which was soo yummie. afterwards we went and got mani/pedi's and walked around in our paper shoes. the weather was awesome. total spring fever, yet again. got a jacket to match a pair of pants i bought last week and some great body scrub that i used this morning in the shower. it's delish.

c is doing much better. he was really needy yesterday, so i told him he has to do something extra nice for me on v' day. heh heh. he hates v day and we rarely celebrate it, so we'll see if he actually does something for me.

don't really want to be at work today, but that's nothing new. at least it's quiet and slow today. maybe i'll go to the diner for lunch...don't really feel like cabbage today.

sunday musings

another sunny day. even better than yesterday. the cheeseburger bird is back. i swear that bird wants to eat more cheeseburgers than i do! c thinks he's a chicken mc nugged bird instead since the real cheeseburger bird is up at the cabin. whatever.

the bridal shower for my friend was good yesterday. she has a great group of friends. they threw her a good shower. i was sitting on the floor and her grandmother stuck her finger down the back of my pants 'cause my crack was showing. nice. c does that and since he wasn't around yesterday, it totally freaked me out. especially since i had never me the grandmother before.

today i'm off to the city to have brunch with another girlfriend. i haven't been to brunch in a while so that'll be fun too. maybe i'll get a mani/pedi when i'm there too.

c is doing much better with his back. he can move around way more than yesterday. he slept on his side last night so he's a bit sore this morning. at least the weather is nice so he can sit outside for a bit today and smoke his beloved cigar.

i bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday and had one on the way home from the shower. haven't smoked in a long time but felt like i needed one. no one at the shower commented on my not drinking and there was a lot of nonalcoholic stuff, but i still felt the need for a beverage but i resisted. there wasn't any chocolate, but the cake was really good. the food was good too.

Ahh...Saturday at last. The sun is shining brighly and the little birds are chirping gayly outside my window. It has been gloomy for far too long so this sun is quite delightful. Must get out and fill the bird feeders so the little ones will have something to eat. I'm off to a bridal shower this afternoon and am looking forward to some good girl time. I still have to wrap the gift so I'll need to venture into town to find some fun paper. C is feeling better and can get up without too much much pain so I'll take him with me.

I have spring fever but have to realize that it's only the start February and the groundhog saw his shadow so we have a long winter ahead of us. But I want it to be spring!

Made a really good chicken dish the other night. Bowtie pasta, pesto, grilled chicken, tomoates and mozerella. Yum. Tasted even better the second day after it had sat in its juices.

The ends of my hair are pretty crispy from all the curling I've been doing this week. Feels like straw. C wants me to keep growing it out, but I'm getting to the point where I just want to cut it all off. Well, maybe not all of it, but a lot of it. I like to change my hair and feel like I've had this style for far too long. We'll see. I have an appointment in two weeks. Maybe I'll play with the color some more.

Another friend is preggers. She's an odd one, though. I don't really understand her. I asked her a few months ago if she wants children, and she said "well, I don't want to wake up sometime in my 40's and realize that I never had kids and should have, so I guess I better have one". Um...not exactly the best way to bring a child into this world. Then again, her and her husband are just strange. Can't quite place it. But strange. When I asked her if they were trying, she says " well, I'm not on the pill anymore, but we're not teenagers anymore so we don't have sex more than twice a week" Um...first of all, she never had sex as a teen and second of all, she only met her husband a few years ago, when she was in her mid twenties and he in his mid thirties. Okay....then the other day she sends me an emails saying "well, I've gone and done it. I've gotten knocked up. I should be excited like everyone else is, but I'm sick all the time so I can't get that thrilled". Yeah, just the type of person who should be having a kid. And she's only 8 weeks along...aren't you supposed to wait at least until the first trimester is over to start announcing? Oh well....

Another friend is getting married this year. That's 3 of my friends this year. This one, however, is getting married in the Virgin Isles and is expecting everyone to travel there for her big day. Um...does she realize how much that is going to cost? Well I checked into it and it will be roughly 3k for a weekend! Good lord. There's no way we can afford to go, which is sad since C is really good friends with the groom to be. But there's no way we can pull that financially. Especially when we're trying to save for a house in this crazy expensive town. I just can't get over the wedding location. I understand the desire for a beach/tropical wedding, but come on. At least have it where people can afford to go. Hell, even Hawaii would be cheaper. Whatever. We feel bad, but there's no way we can justify going. I think it's rather presumptive and selfish to think that everyone is going to drop that much money to go see you get married. Not only that, there's still the shower, bachelorette party and wedding gift to buy. Oy Vey.

Now C is laughing at me. He says because I got a 'b' in night school I think I can write a blog. HA. Whatever.

tard farm

well, today just started off on the wrong foot. i didn't get out of bed until 6:42 am and had to totally rush to get to work. i made there at 7:12 am, so only 12 minutes late. but when i got there, my desk was a distaster so i was pissed. someone had used my area after i left yesterday and moved everything around. as usual, no one knew what happened, on once again i was stuck cleaning up someone else's mess.

i had just gotten myself a cup of coffee and logged on when my husband called. turns out he totally threw out his back and couldn't move, so i had to rush home to take him to emergency. poor thing can't move at all. the dr. we saw was a total ass, though. since c doesn't take any pain killers, the dr. was pissy and sent us away, telling c to just use ice packs and take advil. whatever. i got him home and into bed and have been tending to him all day. it's so sad. i feel real bad for him. at least he's in pretty good spirits for not being able to move. we'll he does have 2 moves. he can lay flat on his back, or flat on his stomach. now he's singing a 'tard farm' song. nice. he's definitely feeling better.

my response to the great words from the previous post...

I want to be a big strong furry tiger and fight those demons, make them shrink away and never come back. I did speak with a supervisor this morning who I greatly respect and trust and told him what had happened. He was on my side and was not pleased with the actions of my boss. I then wrote an email to my department letting them know it was not okay for them to disregard me in the way they had with regards to not notifying me about their absence. I also made a point to discuss some issues with a chef that I have been having difficulty with. I am trying to stand up for myself more and am trying to find the right footing so that I do not tumble and fall. I am definitely stronger at this job with that regard than the last, and am not becoming involved in petty work gossip or games. I have a meeting on Monday morning with another supervisor, who I also respect and will discuss in further details my feelings. I will let her know how I do not appreciate the ways that I am being treated and will not put up with it for much longer.

As for home, things have gotten MUCH better since I stopped turning to the bottle, which is rather amazing. I do feel really good about my accomplishment, thus far, and am thankful that JC showed himself and his way to me or else I would definitely be lying in the gutter outside of Ol' I with no hope in sight and an empty bottle of crown at my side.

Just before the new year I also got a new tattoo. A little shooting star on my wrist. It signifies 3 months of sobriety and a new outlook on life. I look at that star whenever I'm feeling down or that the world is against me. I am also trying to surround myself with good things to keep the demons at bay. Will has come around more often and I am glad he has been waiting outside my window most days to walk with me home.

So thank you for your words and for the ever present love of the great white bear.

xoxo right back at you!!

good words

Here's some advise i got from a dear friend a little while ago that i need to soak in...

Ok, heres the dealio - I think what you need, my little muffin, is more self love and a greater sense of self worth, based on who you are inside and your skillz on the outside, not based on your reaction to how other people treat you. No one can ignore you or pat you on the head like a dog or treat you disrespectfully unless you allow that to happen. I have seen you behave with lots of self confidence and self assurance before, so I know you have it in you. but unless you stand up for yourself and care for yourself FIRST then you cant expect other people to care for you or stand up for you. not c, not your folks, not anybody.

You and I have talked before about how not everyone in your past and present is very loving or attentive to you, which is a bummer no doubt. But that’s a fact. So, you can either deal with it and stand up for your rights as a person and a wife and a daughter and try to make things better, or you can use it to hold yourself down. That’s easy for me to say and harder for you to do, I realize, but that’s how things work. I have seen you when the wolves were gnawing at your leg (not pretty) and I have seen you when you had the whole world by the tail (you ruled the school). Now, you tell me: which state of being did you prefer? If you prefer to allow yourself to be gnawed upon by wolves, then I can’t help you. But if you think you can stand up strong and crack your demons like a ripe melon on a hot sidewalk, then I am all about that.

The next time someone at work or in your family condescends to you like that or ignores you at an important time or tries to pat you on the head like a dog,
then I want you to BITE them like a dog, and demand that you be treated with the same respect that I hope and know you give to other people. But you have to project your own inner strength. If you live life as a small person who is easily manipulated and whose cries of anguish no one hears or thinks they have to bother listening to, then that’s how you will be treated. But if you live like a big furry strong Tiger, who knows herself and knows the world around her and demands respect, then that’s what you’ll get. You only “seem so small” because you think of yourself that way. DON’T.

Think BIG. Walk TALL. Pray to JC. I am not so much a religious fanatic but I talk to JC all the time and ask him to help me help myself to be a better person. And of course JC is not much of a talker, but he is a great listener, and he even if he doesn’t say much, if you pay attention to your talks with him, he will POINT at things you need to work on and things he can help you with. He’s big on helping those who help themselves. So do it.
And if you need some extra help, my photo friends Bat Dog and his posse of dudes will be there straight away.

end of sermon.

Take care,

my little friend


so my boss is gone on holiday and didn't bother to tell me. nice. i'm glad he's gone, but still. a little warning would have been nice. i mean, now i feel like an idiot when everyone else around me knows he's gone and i found out by getting his 'out of office' reponse when i sent him an email this morning. whatever. people drive me nuts. especially those that are consumed entirely with themselves, like he is. i seem to know a lot of people like that, though. especially at my job. i'm really tired of my job. out of every place i worked, i have gotten over the euphoria of this job faster than anywhere else. the people here act like they are in jr.high. gossip, cattiness and complaining all day long. people are more concerned with what others are doing rather than doing their own job. it is so friggen annoying. and no one takes ownership of their own mistakes. i hate that. i always admit when i am wrong or have done something wrong, but everyone else just seems to blame someone else for their wrongdoing. where did these people come from? i wish i could find something else, but this town is so small, i don't really have any other options. at least it's thursday, so that's one day closer to friday and i'm off for the weekend. i have a bridal shower to go to, which will be fun. the rest of the weekend i plan on doing nothing. definitely not thinking about work.

today is it?

today is it? what does that mean? i have no idea. today is the day i start things new. maybe having a blog will help me sort out things in my life by writing my skybluepink thots for others to read.

days like that seem few and far between. i have had more gray, cloudy days that cheerful, warm days. it's not just my attitude, many people around me are just so crabby and unhappy. they bring everyone down around them, not having a care in the world what they do to others.

people are just to selfish and fussy. life is too short to act like that all the time. i get so sick of it. i wish i didn't have to deal with those people, but they are in my life daily. my work is a nightmare with those people. everyone is in everyone else's business, but never minding their own. it makes the day very tiresome. is it.

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