skybluepink

i hate people. i really do. or maybe i should rephrase that. i hate most people. stupid, insipid, lame people. people who state the obvious and expect a return comment. yes, i am here at work. you are not seeing a ghost of me. yes, i colored my hair. it's chocolate brown, not dirty blonde.

i'm in a bitter mood and have been since i got home from the spa yesterday. it got worse last night and now is at it's peak...i think. c told me last night that he is afraid of having children because of how messed up he thinks he is. he has never admitted that before so that really freaked me out. i'm just getting to the point where i'm considering having children one day, but now the thought of not having that as an option, frightens me. not that i'm ready by any means, but still.

i will settle for a pet, though. one of my own and not one that i share or that has to live outside. that i won't stand for. i just want something to love me unconditionally, without reservation. i feel so lost and alone. especially now. maybe i'm being selfish and obtuse, but i really don't know. i have no real connection to anyone or anything. mabye it's that whole being adopted thing that's getting to me. i have no idea about so many things. i just wish i knew where i came from. it's like i was just created with no background whatsoever. it's very frustrating and sad.

i have no one to relate to, no one to understand. i wonder about my purpose for being here. it's not like i have any tradition or name to carry on. i don't even think anyone would even notice if i wasn't here. oh sure, people say they would, but would they really? i don't think so.

i hate being at work when there's nothing going on. we don't even have any meetings on the property today and i'm caught up on everything i need to do. maybe flowergirl will stop by today.