i received this email this morning from my 'sponsor'. seriously, are you fucking kidding me? oh, gee. i guess i should never get upset, never let anything bother me and continue to keep everything that bothers me inside. ahh. wait. i used to do that and that lead me to drink all the time....

Good morning,

I HOPE by now that the anger and resentment you had on Friday has been prayed away. We ask God to remove our defects of character. Life doesn't go our way. But, I learned in AA that if there is something upsetting me, then I need to take a look at why. Step 4 teaches me how to take a look at our part and see what the anger and resentment effects. I learn that we need to take "blame" out of the situation.
That fact the you don't like the Hospital is your opinion and it shouldn't be expressed so harshly to others. The conversation with your doctor's office was full of anger and resentment. Think how you would have felt being at the receiving end of the phone conversation when you swore at the receptionist. That was not appropriate behavior. Step 10 says, when we were wrong to promptly admit it.
As it worked out, you now have a good doctor and will deliver the baby at the hospital you really wanted to from the beginning. That is when I say "thanks God".
After we complete the 12 steps, we commence to live them in our daily life. Now, go and have a grateful day!

xoxo

ANGRY NEWS.

Well, I was hoping to send out delightful news today about my ultrasound results and what we are having, BUT, I received a phone call today saying there wasn't a tech available to do my ultrasound at the hospital ~ an appointment which I had schedule one month ago ~ and that the earliest they can get me in is in 3 weeks. Needless to say, I will not be rescheduling with the WORST HOSPITAL IN THE WORLD. I also called my doctor to see what my options are, and sadly, he only delivers at THE WORST HOSPITAL IN THE WORLD so I also need to find a new doctor today.

To say that I am upset is the understatement of the year. I am not sad, but very, very frustrated. Pissed, is more like it.

I will let you know as more develops....

UPDATE: my mil gave me the name of the doc that delivered both hubby and his brother. i have an appointment with him on monday. his office is next to a great hospital about 15 miles from home. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this goes well. unfortunately this appointment will be just a general one without a sonogram, but i'm hoping to have one soon. i'm sure this other hospital will have more than one tech on staff so it shouldn't be a problem....i hope.

i want to cry. i want to scream. but mostly, i want to curl up into a ball and hide under the covers with my cat.

i moved into a new office with my newish boss yesterday and to say it's been awful is a bit of an understatement. my other boss can no longer run interference since it's just me and the other guy in this tiny room. he's very condescending and is right about everything. he also loves to throw me ~ and others ~ under the bus. it's very tiring and annoying. and while i know i'm a smart girl, he has this uncanny way of making me feel like an idiot. i know it shouldn't stress me out, but it does. and since i can't take any of my meds, it really sucks even more. yes, i totally miss not being on lexapro and ativan. they help me an amazing amount and not being able to take them is really hard. i miss the sense of calm and wellbeing they bring me.

i do my best at dealing with my inner demons but sometimes it gets to be too much and i just want to run away from it all. but i know i can't. and i won't. i feel so alone. and tired. and often scared.

hubby doesn't understand so i don't bother trying to talk to him about how i'm feeling anymore. he always tells me i'm feeling sorry for myself, which i'm usually not. he has no understanding of depression and pretty much thinks i make it up whenever i'm saying i'm feeling down. for me, feeling down doesn't mean i'm feeling sorry for myself. it means a lot of things, but it's just too overwhelming at times. like right now.

a success!

brunch was a hit. there was no stress, no frustration, no bickering and best of all, no drunkenness.

my menu ~ bacon and potato frittata, mixed green salad with honey-orange dressing, asparagus, spring onion and mushroom saute, buttermilk-apricot scones, blackberry, peach and blueberry salad with a yummy dressing ~ was loved by everyone. this was especially exciting because hubby's family is REALLY picky. and it was the first time i had made any of the recipes, so i was stoked that everyone loved it all.

i had also gone to see's and picked up some extra easter treats for everyone, which were also gobble up quite quickly. i decided not to be extra fussy and used my every day dishes and serving platters instead of getting out the good stuff.

granny stayed behind to help with the dishes, which was much appreciated as we don't have a dishwasher and there were a TON to do.

after everyone left, hubby and i sat outside for a while and soaked up the beautiful sunshine. i'm even sunburned! we then took a long walk to work off our big meal. luckily we have leftovers, so i don't have to do a darn thing for dinner.

now if only i didn't have to go to work tomorrow...


an easter funny.


obviously i'm in a very indecisive mood. i didn't get much sleep last night ~ for no reason at all, i just couldn't sleep ~ and i've been a bit of a wreck all day. i'm still in a weird fussy place and can't seem to shake it. i do hope it goes away soon as i'm really tired of feeling this way. at least it's one day closer to the weekend...

so should i keep this new background, or should i see what else is out there?

girlie goodies.

so i broke down this weekend and decided to treat myself to some goodies. first, i bought moisturizer, as recommended by gina. and i'm so glad i did. this stuff is amazing. it has a nice, light scent and has just the right consistancy. it blends in right away and makes my skin feel lovely.

i then decided to treat myself to some other goodies. now normally i'm a benefit gal with splashes of tarte, philosophy, mac and stila thrown in for good measure. this was my first venture into chanel for makeup ~ well except for a few bottles of nailpolish ~ and so far i love it!



this little sploch is the color gloss i got, though it comes in that tube.









this is the fun spring palate of eyeshadow colors and a new black mascara, which i really needed.










all in all i'm really happy with my purchases. i've already received two comments on how i'm glowing. people are convinced it's because i'm pregnant, but i know it's because i'm taking the time to actually do my makeup again and i learned a few tricks while i was at the counter at nordy's. it's really amazing what taking a little time in the morning will do.

so what about you? what is the last thing you splurged on that made you feel extra girlie?

aww.

so i recently went from thinking no one was going to throw me a shower to 4 different people throwing me showers! a few weeks ago one of my bff's asked to throw me a shower at home in LA and over the weekend my mil said her friends would be throwing me a joint shower with another girl in july.

~ sidenote on this: my mil has a crazy group of friends called the gum's, which means generally unaceptable mothers. they are the mothers of all the kids that hubby grew up with, and are a group of women who were never told they are no longer sorority girls. to say they are a bit obnoxious is an understatement, especially since their biggest thrill in life is competing with each other. the joint shower is because another wife of one of hubby's friends is about 2 weeks behind me. ~

then today another bff asked if she can throw me a shower where i live (she lives a little over an hour away so we're going to have the shower at my house) and shortly after that a girl from work asked if she could throw me one, too. i really am feeling the love today, and it started out as such a crummy day...

it's really nice, too, because there will be totally different people at each shower and i'm so glad it worked out this way. i'm looking most forward to the ones my bff's are thowing me since all my close friends will be invited to those and since everyone lives somewhere other than where i live, it will be an extra special treat.

now i really need to get working on my registries!!

hahah.



i went shopping with my mil this weekend and the topic of easter came up. we haven't done easter together in a few years as eveyone in the family has had seperate plans. this actually worked out pretty well for us since most of these whole extended family gatherings end up being really annoying and obnoxious.


anywho, mil suggested a mid afternoon dinner at her house with just hubby, me, his parents and both grandmothers. after a bit of thought, hubby and i thought it would be nice to do brunch at our house instead.


i'm actually looking forward to doing brunch as it has been forever since i have entertained and it's something i really like doing. besides, mil is a freaking disaster on even small family gatherings. she goes into this crazy freak out mode and is usually drunk before we even eat. plus, i'm really not a fan of her "cooking". so, this way, i can be in charge and have a nice, pleasant afternoon.


i called my girlfriend who does amazing floral arrangements and put in my order so my house will look pretty. i have researched some tasty brunch recipes for something a little bit different. and i will get out my china, crystal and sterling for that extra special touch. and i have all day saturday to prepare everything so i won't have to be stressed on sunday morning.


what do you have planned for easter?

i saw this on my new favorite author's blog and thought it was something fun to start the week off with. and while i'm not going to tag anyone, please let me know if you decide to play along, too!

On your nightstand now: keeping faith by jodi picoult

Favorite book when you were a child: where the red fern grows by wilson rawls when i was real young then alice in wonderland by lewis carroll when i was a bit older and the flowers in the attic series by v.c. andrews when i hit about jr high.


Your top five authors: jodi picoult, mary karr, jhumpa lahiri, tom robbins, joyce carol oates


Book you’ve faked reading: a heartbreaking work of staggaring genius by dave eggers. i have picked it up time and time again, yet i just can't get through it.


Books you are an evangelist for: liar's club and cherry by mary karr


Book you’ve bought for the cover: the crimson petal and the white by michel faber. it just looked intriguing with the lush red velvet curtains pushed aside to reveal a disheveled white bed that had obviously just seen a scandolous romp. i was also drawn by the title and the magnitue of the book looked like something i could sink my teeth in.


Book that changed your life: skinny legs and all by tom robbins and the liar's club by mary karr


Favorite line from a book: "Be what you would seem to be -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." as said to alice by the dutchess in alice to wonderland by lewis carroll


Scene in a book that made you terrified of marriage: “I firmly believed that if I had picked up a rifle and gone on a murdering rampage, I would have still had the benefit of her unblinking love. Because I have rid her heart of its greatest malady. I had relieved her of the greatest fear of every Afghan mother: that no honorable khastegar would ask for her daughter’s hand. That her daughter would age alone, husband-less, childless. Every woman needed a husband. Even if he did silence the song in her.” from the kite runner by khaled hosseini


Book you most want to read again for the first time: the great gatsby by f. scott fitzgerald

after the wise one commented on the post below, i decided to heed his advice and listen to my favorite boys. since i didn't have any of their music with me at work, i decided to have a looksee at what i could find online and discovered rhapsody. omg. that is hands down the best music site evah! i am now rocking out to the best feel good music evah. my frustration, anger and general discomfort is slowly melting away. ahhhh.

and thanks to three of my girlfriends who helped keep me from drowning in helplessness today. two of them texted with me for quite a while and one met me for a coffee break. i have been having a tough time lately and feel like i'm just getting by. no real reason, just in a bit of a funk. feeling a bit low and unloved. i'm sure it's mostly in my head but i haven't been able to shake this feeling. i'm keeping my chin up and moving forward, though. but it sure nice to have people reach out just because. so, thanks, friends. i really do appreciate it.

mother " well, you know how jared's wife is pregnant?"

shell " yes."

mother " you don't know the whole story. you probably don't want to know. "

shell " um, yeah, i do. so tell me. "

mother "well they found out the child has down syndrome."

shell " oh no. that's just awful"

mother " that pregnancy needs to be terminated. i couldn't handle that. i don't know why she is insisting on keeping the pregnancy going. they already have one special needs child (jared has one from his first marriage) and that child shouldn't have lived this long. now they are going to bring another child into the world? that's just terrible."

sitting there, staring at my mother while being 4 1/2 months pregnant myself, i had no response.

okay, ladies. i need your help. i recently ran out of my moisturizer and have decided it's time to try something new (and the one i was using i got at the salon that i got that awful haircut at so i don't want to go back). but, i'm having a hard time finding one i like. i recently bought 'hope in jar' from philosophy, but i don't really like it. it smells funny and is a little too light for me. i then bought a basic moisturizer from oil of olay, but i'm not really into that one, either. i had creme de la mer for a while but it's so expensive and i know other brands will work just as well.

so can you help me out? what do you use/recommend?

boooring.

last night hubby left for a business trip so i had the house to myself. i sure can make a mess fast! i didn't do the dishes and left my dinner mess on the counter, left clothes on the floor and blankets on the couch.


i trolled the internets for a good long time while watching law and order. i tried to get into some of the other shows that were on, but i just lost interest too quickly. i did start watching the real housewifes of new york city, though. geesh. talk about some crazy high maintenence broads! some of these gals just didn't realize they were no longer in their twenties. but, it did make for some pretty entertaining television.

i turned the heater on higher than normal and cuddled with the kitties all night.

i so did not want to get out of bed this morning. but, i managed. i even got to work on time. heh. but, as usual, our computers don't want to play nice. they have been crashing nonstop since last wednesday. to say it's annoying would be the understatement of the year. sometimes they crash for a few minutes then other times they are down for a few hours. i'm getting really good at playing brickbreaker on my blackberry.

there is this person that i know of. i do not know him personally, anymore. i knew him at one time and mostly through a friend. a friend who is very near and dear to me. this person is evil from every ounce of his being. even if there was some good in him at one point, it has long since whithered away. he's in a place now that is appropriate for a person like him. i check up on him from time to time to make sure he stays there, that his ruling has not been overturned, that he hasn't been able to talk his way out. though i can't ever seem to find a date that will end his time on earth, and i know that date will come, i am glad that he is at a place where he can no longer cause harm. but something in my latest search really bothered me. this horrible person has gotten married. i never can understand the women who seek out the demented and want to marry them. now, this person didn't just do one bad thing. he did a lot of bad things and luckily got caught when he did. this 'bride' of his has to know what he did to get caught, but i'm sure he convinced her that he's a great person despite his heinous actions. i'm sure he also failed to mention what a prick he was, but then again, he was a good manipulator. i guess i should just be satisfied that he is where he is and that he has no chance of leaving. i just don't like that he's able to have a relationship, even if he isn't telling all his truths.


* there are more fast food restaurants than any other kind of eatery. pretty much every corner has one. i never did see a deli or health food store.

* there are also a lot of mid-class greasy places like applebees, chilis and outback steakhouse.

* people there love to drive big, beefy pick up trucks with huge lift kits and enormous tires. the men who live there must have really small penises.

* there are also a ton of strip clubs and adult stores all over the area, not just in a specific section of town. but really seedly looking places.

* there are dive bars aplenty. really seedy dive bars.

* oddly, there are also tons of tanning salons. i guess when the sun doesn't shine for one or two days, people freak out.

* gas is a lot cheaper there than in nor cal. guess that's good for all the beefy pick up trucks.

* strip malls are everywhere. so are big box stores like walmart and target, which are usually in the strip malls.

now, don't get me wrong. i really do like arizona. i've been a bunch of times, though for the most part it has been to northern arizona where the landscape and people a bit different. i've hiked the grand canyon, been thru tons of ghost towns, spent time in the painted desert and the peterified forest. i enjoy the weather in the spring when it's not so hot as in the summer. i love the colors of the landscapes and sunsets and all the fantastic turquoise jewlery. i'm just not too fond of the super seediness that is the phoenix area. and yes, i do realize there are nice parts, like northern scottsdale. i'm just talking about the area as a whole. and it's my opinion, so there!







a boring recap.

well, i'm back. did you miss me? no, probablly not. we went to scottsdale for the weekend to catch some baseball. it was a bizarre trip, to say the least. i ended up taking friday off and just couldn't get motivated, though i had a ton to do. i eventually got everything done and managed to pack up, get out of the house and pick hubby up from work by late afternoon.

we got to the airport waay too early because hubby never travels so he's hyper paranoid about missing his flight. and by early, i mean a good 3 hours. to catch an earlier flight would have cost us quite a few pennies and i was feeling too cheap to do that since i was paying for the entire weekend.

we finally arrived in phoenix and proceed to get lost as soon as we drove out of the rental car place, so we drove through this totally shady part of phoenix. nice. and we had a totally crappy car ~ a honda civic hybrid. i will never by a hybrid. those cars suck. sure, it's good for the environment and all, but that car was awful. it's no wonder honda stopped making the hybrid.

by the time we arrived at our hotel, it was after 11 pm and we were beat. but, since hubby didn't eat anything since lunch, he was starving. so i had to take him to get fast food, since that was the only thing open, and promptly fell into bed as soon as we got back.

saturday we slept in and i demanded we go to breakfast. this was quite the feat to accomplish as hubby doesn't eat breakfast. we finally found some awful place that made denny's look like a 5 star joint. i couldn't even finish my meal, it was so bad. so really, we weren't off to that swell of a start. while at breakfast, we had to figure out our plan for the day. see, the giants had a split team for the day, so they were playing two games at the same time at two different stadiums. well, i clearly wasn't paying attention when i bought the game tickets as i bought tickets for a game in tuscon, a mere 120 miles away. so, we opted to check out the other game and see if we could get tickets there. we got there 2 hours early and they were already sold out. grr. i then spotted a scalper and we ended up getting great seats for only $35 a pop. whew! (hubby said he would have been fine driving the 120 miles, but that seemed like such a haul to me.)

the weather was perfect and the game was fun. we ened up leaving before the game was over as the giants were loosing, but headed over to the botanical gardens where we wandered around for a while. we then headed over to cabelas to check out the dead animals..err..hunting supplies.

on our way back we went to the olive garden for dinner. i seriously hadn't been to an olive garden in like 5 years. but, it tasted the same a i remembered. once again we were beat by the time we got back to the hotel and crashed almost immediately. sunday morning we did the drive thru at mc donalds and headed over to the ballpark where we had tickets. since were got there so early, we headed over to an arts and crafts fair a few blocks away. as we wandered around taking in all the goodies we found some art we really liked and wouldn't you know it, both of the vendors were from the town we live in. in fact, both of them have galleries here. so needless to say, we didn't buy anything.

about a half hour before the game we headed back to the stadium. our seats weren't as good as the day before, but the stadium was much nicer. we still had a good time and this time we stayed almost to the end, but the giants were loosing again so badly, we left before traffic got bad and headed to the airport. we got there early, again, but this time we were able to get on to an earlier flight, and just by the skin of our teeth, too. we were nubers 4 and 5 on the standby list and they took 6 people total. we were split up on the flight, which was fine as we both slept for most of the flight anyway. and i'm so glad we got that earlier flight since our original flight had been delayed several times and by the time we left at 5:30 pm, our flight had been pushed back to 8pm!

we stopped at in-n-out on the way home for dinner and were in bed by 10 pm. of course, i could not get out of bed this morning, but still managed to make it here on time. but somehow i lost my keys, yet again. i had to take the spare key to my car and to the house. i just can't figure out where those damn keys are. my keys were in the ignition when i picked up hubby, but he ended up driving to the airport on friday and i know i didn't take my keys with me to arizona, so i have no idea where they could be. sigh.

vroom vroom!

here's my pretty new car!



if you come over, i'll even let you drive! well....maybe i will. i'll at least take you for a ride! hehe.









even though i am barely showing, i thought it was time to start taking pictures of the peanut's development. well, and a few of you have asked for photos, too.


the first picture ~ in green ~ was taken on monday. my hair has finally grown long enough to put back in a mini pony tale. whoot! and yes, that is a duck on the wall behind me.









this second photo ~ in yellow and in my new sevens ~ was taken today.













did you notice i'm wearing different glasses in each photo? i think they look quite different, but hubby says they look the same. the first pair are thin tortoise frames by kate spade and the second pair are thick burgundy square frames by versace. but i digress.

i figure i'll start taking photos each month to show off the peanut's growth. yesterday was my 4 month appointment and all was well. i heard the heart beat again and had blood work done. thankfully, the tech that took my blood got my tiny vein on the first try. on the last friday of the month i'll have my sonogram to find out the sex of the peanut!!

spring has sprung here and it's so darn pretty. the landscape is turning lush and green from all the rain we've had and the wild mustard that grows in the vineyards is so vibrant. the weather is slowly starting to warm up, though i know we'll still get more rain.

the kitties are shedding their winter coats and their fur is so soft right now.

we have stopped turning on the heat as soon as we come home from work, though we still turn it on when we get up in the morning. the extra blankets have come off the bed, but they are still nearby in case it gets too chilly without them.

we're heading off to phoenix for the weekend to catch some baseball and maybe get the peanut a little giants outfit. and speaking of watching games, i will be nice and comfy in my stylish 7 maternity jeans, by far the most comfortable jeans i have ever owned!

what a freaking, long, exhausting day. it started out simple enough, well, it sort of did. hubby woke up at the ass crack of dawn, shortly before 7 am. look, on a saturday when i can actually sleep in, that's the ass crack, okay? and even though he was trying to be quiet, he really wasn't. but, since i was so tired, i actually slept in until a little after 9 am.

i had planned on doing a few things in the morning, including meeting up with a girlfriend, but he talked me out of it all and we decided to head down to yet another volvo dealer to check out cars. on the way, we had to fill up for gas and grab something for me to eat as i hadn't been to the store and we were out of most things.

well, he was being an ass before we even left town so we started arguing at the bagel shop. which was, of course, really nice. by the time we got to the car, it was a full on fight. i even started crying in my pissed off state. no, not tears of sadness, but of frustration and anger. damn pregnancy hormones! he turned the car around and we headed home, calling off our trip. we eventually worked things out in the driveway and decided to head out once again.

well, wouldn't you know it, we decided we liked one the of the volvos and decided to buy it. BUT before we could, we drove back home ~ 40 miles away ~ and got our other car, my saturn from college, to trade in. now we knew we weren't going to get anything for it, but we really didn't want to have to try and sell it on our own. we ended up getting $1000 for it, which was totally fair as it was a 2000 with over 100,000 miles on it. we put down a pretty decent chunk of change and added the trade-in to the down payment so our monthly payment is really rather low.

but between our huge fight and the buying of the car, we were both exhausted by the time we left the dealership. and we still had nothing to eat at home so we decided to go out for dinner ~ mostly to celebrate finally getting rid of the saturn! (the saturn was a great car for me. i bought it in 1999 when i was in college and it was awesome. but it was really time to let it go.) we headed to our favorite mexican place and the wait was forever. okay, okay, it was 20 - 30 minutes, but we were starving, so it was much too long. so, we drove another 20 miles out of town to another place. luckily, there was no wait there. our meal was delicious, though both of us had to try hard not to fall asleep in our food. we finally made it home 10 hours after we originally left this morning and i am freaking exhausted.

i will post pictures of the car tomorrow. i like it better than the other one, even though it is pretty much the same ~ a 2004 volvo xc 70 crosscountry. this time the car is black with black leather interior, which i think makes it look really slick. oh, and i'll post some pictures of my mini baby belly, too.

i'm going to sleep now and better not be woken up at the ass crack of dawn again tomorrow!

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