skybluepink

so not only have i now ruined a friendship, i am back to where i was when i talked to my mother the other day. since i had been playing phone tag with miss fleurs since last week, i decided to write her an email last night telling her i couldn't help her out and i was so sorry. i told her that hubby and i had a conversation and while i left out his ranting and raving at me, i told her how sad i was. i called her and left a message today, but didn't hear back from her. i just got an email and it makes me so sad, so sad that yes, yet again i'm crying. turns out she figured i wasn't going to work for her, but she feels i was holding out on her to the last minute so she's really hurt. she has hired 2 other people to work for her (which makes me really glad she has the help) but i think this has seriously hurt our friendship. i had asked for 2 arrangements (for some friends in town), and now she has told me she won't be able to do them, which really makes me believe she is done with me. she has never said no before and she said she would do it and charge me a large fee on top of it, so i know she has had enough of me, which makes me even sadder as she was my only friend in town. and what's even worse is she said she had been trying to call me to tell me she had gotten engaged and was hurt she had to email me instead of tell me over the phone. why oh why can't i get anything right, ever? why did i miss the day when 'being nice to others' was taught?

i have been in such a bad place since talking with my mother. i try to be so strong, yet i am not. all around me is tough love and i am so, so tired of it. i try so hard for people to like me, but i just seem to constantly miss the mark. i don't know what i do wrong. i get so close to ending it all, but don't want to leave anyone with odds and ends to pick up. i feel so unloved and sad all the time. the only person that seems to love me unconditionally without reservation is atticus, who is curled up with me right now. he loves me no matter what and i honestly believe he is the only one who does.

and no, i am not writing this to get sympathy or even empathy. i just need to get the words out. my heart is heavy and i am so tired of hurting. i'm tired of making bad choices and wrong decisions at every turn in my life. there's nothing i feel happy about anymore. i try and try to get ahead, yet seem to fall further down instead. i just don't know what to do anymore.