skybluepink

lately my mind has been racing with so many thoughts. racing more than usual, i guess i should say, as it's always motoring along. i have tried to write here so many times, but i feel so scattered that i never know where to start. so i am just going to ramble.

i've had nothing to do all weekend, which has been just great. the weather is cold and sunny but really windy so i can't do anything outside, which is a bit disappointing. i would really like to wash my car but i know as soon as i do, all the pollen that has been flying around will just land right back on my car. but, at least it's sunny and pretty out, even if i have to enjoy it from the inside.

i attacked my mini closet yesterday. i've been really down lately because nothing fits me anymore. yes, i realize that i am pregnant and that this is normal. i get that. it still doesn't mean that i have to like it. i literally went from having hundreds of options to about 10. i've already spent a ton on maternity clothes and i feel like i have nothing. and because my boobs have grown so much i can no longer fit into tops that i used to and that just blows. i mean, i knew my stomach would get big, but i didn't think my boobs would grow so much so fast and sadly, i know they haven't stopped growing yet, either. i have tons of great clothes that i can no longer wear and it makes me sad looking at all of them just hanging in my closet so i purged it all yesterday. i have a rolling storage thing in the closet that i keep winter coats in so i put a lot of my clothes that i can no longer wear in the garage. but there was still a ton of stuff that i haven't worn in forever, so i'm getting rid of all of that as well. we're planning to have a garage sale in about 3 weeks so i'll try selling some of my clothes then and the rest i will give to charity. i know i will be able to fit into some of the clothes again, but i know there will be a lot that i won't be able to wear anymore. before i even got pregnant, i was outgrowing some things and was frankly tired of the clothes i had. the hardest things to let go of are all my pairs of designer jeans. oh, i won't get rid of all of them, but i will have to let go of quite a few.

i'm so over where we live. i've actually never really liked living here, though it is quite beautiful. it's like a little piece of paradise. however, the people who live up here are the snobbiest, most pretentious people i have ever met. there is a ton of money up here and the people who live here are constantly trying to keep up with each other in the most unhealthy ways. and they're all 'new money' so they don't really have the concept of saving for a rainy day and live these completely ostentatious lives, which is so not me. thankfully, hubby feels the same way as i do and we are looking to move in the next year or so. we had wanted to move this year, but that was before we found out i was pregnant so now we have to wait. we definitely don't want to say and grow old here. there's absolutely nothing keeping us here, which makes moving all that easier.

my disdain for my mil has grown to hatred with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. really. it gets worse and worse each time i have to interact with her. she just boils my blood. people keep telling me i will be thankful for her once the baby is born. but really? that freaks me out to no end that she will be nearby. she is one of the least maternal people i know. she is cold and unloving. and incredibly judgmental. and bitter. and now she is behaving like this child that i am carrying is hers. i guess she has always wanted a girl and even told hubby's father that unless he could guarantee her a girl, she didn't want any more children because she was so sick of boys. she cries every time i see or talk to her about how excited she is about me having a girl. dude. it's not yours. get the fuck over it. the day we found out, we called her and she insisted we come over and show her the ultra sound pictures. both hubby and i were exhausted from the week and called that evening to say we wouldn't have time as we were leaving for the weekend and she pulled this total crying guilt trip on hubby so we had to go just to placate her. she again started in on the water works when we got there and gave us this hideous pink outfit for the baby. i was gracious about it but am so not looking forward to receiving other things from her. yes, i am being an ungrateful twit. but if you had to deal with her, you would be, too.

i'm really starting to get worried about how things will be after i give birth. i mean immediately afterwards, like the first two weeks or so. hubby isn't prepared in the least and he's not exactly the most caring person out there. okay, okay. he cares, but he just doesn't know how to show it. he's more into the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away kind of mindset. and he also thinks i'm faking it when i tell him i'm not feeling well. i don't have any girlfriends nearby that i can call to help out and i know my parents won't be visiting me, either, with means i will have to rely on my mil. i am seriously concerned about this. i only have one girlfriend who i would call and she lives in LA and is a teacher and well, that just won't work. and besides, our house is so mini that no one would be able to stay with us, so asking anyone to come help would be out of the question because we can't afford to put someone up at a hotel.

i just finished reading the latest book by jhumpa lahiri called unaccustomed earth. she is by far my favorite author and her books always leave me wanting more. i love reading so much because it allows me to just melt away into another place and time. books have always been my greatest form of escape from the doldrums of everyday life. some girls i know in town just invited me to be part of their monthly book club and i'm thinking of joining. i missed the first meeting due to a migraine, but do want to participate in the next go round.

well, little miss peanut is doing gymnastics in my belly so i'm going to get up and move around a bit.