skybluepink

wow. so today i have been sober for 2 years. i honestly can't believe it. i mean, really. 2 whole years without so much as a drop of liquor. seriously. that's crazy. but it's true. i can't even begin to explain how different my life is now. how different it is to wake up, feeling good. without a hangover. remembering exactly everything from the night before. my car is where i remember parking it. my clothes are not strewn haphazardly across the room. i don't have friends calling me telling me that they can't believe what i did and i don't ask them to remind me of the details. i didn't do anything that i regret.

i didn't start out as an alcoholic. i was pretty normal, whatever normal is. i didn't really start drinking until college. sure, i had sips here an there before, but it was never something that was a big deal to me. but i won't go in to all of that. i just know that i am so glad to be sober.

i am also so thankful for the wonderful people in my life. i didn't loose a single friend to drinking. what i mean is, my friends have been so supportive and wonderful. no one turned their back on me. no one thought i was strange for not drinking. i can't ask for better friends. they have stuck by me and have been so great. only one person has changed how they act towards me and that's my mil. but this isn't about her. if she can't deal with me not drinking, then that's her problem. it's sad, but that's how it is.

i go to aa, but my strength doesn't come from that. sure, it has helped me tremendously, but i honestly don't buy into everything they proclaim. maybe i haven't seen their light. i don't know. i know aa works, but it is so much more than that for me. for me it comes from an inner strength. i have a really, really hard time with the whole god thing. i grew up catholic, and have studied religion so i have a pretty extensive knowledge of god. but, i'm not convinced. call me skeptical. now, don't get me wrong. i'm not a heathen. i am spiritual. i believe that there are many higher powers, not just one. i believe in free will. but i won't go into all of that. the bottom line is that i believe there is so much more than just one definition of god and that i make decisions in my life. i really have a hard time when people say 'it's all in god's plan'. what about your plan? what about what you decide? sure, i believe things happen for a reason, but you make your own reality. you have choices on a daily basis. and my choice is not to drink.

i also have to say if it weren't for hubby, i would still be a drunken mess. he put up with me for a horrible 2 years of daily drinking. he finally had enough and took me to my first aa meeting after a horrendous night of drinking. my last drunk was definitely a bad drunk. i won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say, i was a mess.

if it weren't for hubby and his inner strength, i would surely have been drunk again. he has such a strong program and such a strong will. there have been so many times that i have craved a drink. just wanted to get drunk. just didn't care. but i knew i wouldn't be able to hide it from him. so i didn't take that drink. i didn't want him to be disappointed in me again. like all those times i was drunk those first 2 years of our marriage. every fricken day.

i can't believe how far i have come. now when i get squirley, i drink coffee. i eat chocolate. i play with my cats. i drink sparkling water with lime. that may sound silly, but it works.

i told a girlfriend yesterday that i was an alcoholic. i was nervous because i didn't know what she would think. she embraced me with open arms and told me how proud of me she was. it was so heart warming. we were at lunch when i told her and we went for a coffee after lunch. she treated me to a whole pound of coffee of which i'm drinking a cup right now. it was just so kind. i mean, really. it just warms me thinking about it. when i checked my email this morning, she had sent me a sweet note saying how proud of me she was. i had an ecard from another friend and a text from yet another. it just feels really good.

so thank you to you all. for loving me, supporting me and for just being my friend.