skybluepink

ah look. it's the middle of the night and i'm wide awake again. lovely. and wouldn't you know it, i'm still angry. i really hate being angry, but it's such a common mood for me these days. i realize now that this is one of the major reasons i went on anti-anxiety meds several years ago. i am now back to how i used to feel before i started taking them. my tolerance for people is so much lower now and everything seems to piss me off not matter what i do. sure i know that i have pregnancy hormones surging through me, but that's not all that's going on. the feelings that i have been experiencing these past few days are just like the old days. i can't wait until i can go back on my meds because it sucks being so angry all the time. and no, my anger is not fear based, thankyouverymuch.

here are a few things that have pissed me off most recently:

today while at a girlfriend's house for a body shop at home party, i commented how i needed to find a bank as i didn't have any cash to cross the toll bridge to get back home. one of the girls who was there (who i normally really don't like) asked me why i don't have fastrak. i told her since i rarely ever cross toll bridges, it wouldn't be worth it for me. she then says "don't you ever come to the bay area?" i said "i live in the bay area. i live in the north bay." she actually had the audacity to argue with me in front of everyone that i DON'T live in the bay area. oh, i'm sorry. you're right i have no fucking idea where i have been living for the past 3 years. silly me.

people who assume that just because i am pregnant we are suddenly going to run out and buy a house. um...we haven't bought a house because they are so fucking expensive where we live. if you need a reference, look at the north bay and bay area links above. the median price for a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a small yard is roughly $650k. and that's for a house that's several years old and could probably stand some work. anything less than that would require a major overhaul. so really? we can't afford to buy anything in the near future and really? we LIKE where we live. sure, the house is small, but for now, it's just fine. we don't mind painting and light work, but we are not the type to remodel things ourselves. many of our friends have, and that's great for them. but i am so sick and tired of people asking when we are buying a house. isn't it enough that we're finally pregnant??

hubby's uncle got divorced last year and has for some reason decided to keep a bunch of his stuff in our garage as storage. hubby's mother keeps bringing stuff over as well. i haven't said anything because the garage is hubby's domain and i could frankly care less. but now, we will be converting the office into a nursery so the desk and couch that WE own have got to go. well, since our garage is full of hubby's uncle's crap, we have no where to store OUR stuff. his mother's solution? for us to get a storage unit. are you fucking kidding me? we are storing stuff for her brother, who lives two hours away. why the hell would we put our stuff in storage? why can't he put HIS stuff in storage? then she had the audacity to suggest that we get a storage unit with her so we could store his stuff and our stuff and have us foot the bill. i hit the roof when hubby told me this.

the only meeting i am going to for aa these days is the friday night meeting that i secretary. frankly, i feel like crap most of the time and have no desire to do anything but sleep ~ well, except for now, obviously. anyhow, my sponsor has been berating me about not calling her regularly and for not going to more meetings. are you kidding me? aa meetings are nothing but social gatherings to me. i never get anything out of them. i don't have a bond with anyone there. i don't live and breath the program. sure, it has helped me, but i still maintain that i am doing this ON MY OWN LIKE I DO EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE. i have no desire to pick up a drink, especially now, and really? i'm not going to call anyone in the program if i do want to. i will call one of my girlfriends who knows me and loves me for me and understand me and still likes me. there is no one in aa like that for me. no one at all.

when people tell me i'm going to be a good mommy. how the fuck would they know? i have never liked children, have rarely been around them and hardly have any maternal instincts. i am not close to any adult women and don't know the first thing about children. i don't even like holding children. even now. yes, i realize things will change and i'm sure it will all be fine, but really? what makes you think i will be a good parent? really. i want to know.

hubby forcing me to go to church. suddenly he thinks we need to go to church every weekend because i am pregnant. i never liked going to church and i stopped going a long time ago and certainly resent being forced into going now. i tried to compromise, saying we could go on sunday mornings then go to breakfast afterwards, but he vetoed that saying it was better to go saturday evening to get it out of the way. everything always has to be on his terms. i didn't go this weekend because i was exhausted and he got all pissy with me.

that being pregnant is the only thing my parents have ever been proud of me for. no, i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i'm stating the facts. they have never uttered the word 'proud' to me. the never once attended a cheerleading, swimming or gymnastics event of mine. they didn't understand why i wanted to go to college and didn't even want to come see me graduate. they couldn't understand why hubby's parents threw me a graduation party all those years ago and will still bring that up on occasion. with each job i have gotten, they have never once said a kind word. they have always asked when i would stay home and raise a family. when i got married my father said it was about time because i was already getting a bit too old. i was 27.

how people assume that because i'm pregnant, i'm getting taken care of by those around me. um...no. i'm doing everything myself. sure, hubby has picked up some of the slack at home and has done the laundry and the dishes recently, but you would think the world was ending by his constant complaining. and i still have to make him dinner all the time. and forget about him going to the grocery store with me! he avoids that place like the plague. and no, i honestly don't see it getting any better the further along i get. that whole saying about how you can't change anyone? yeah. hubby will never change. he will always be loud, inconsiderate, condescending and selfish. now i'm definitely not saying i'm an angel, but at least i have compassion for others. he may have some for other's, but definitely not for me.

i am so tired of hubby saying what a bad driver i am and how he has to buy me yet another car. oh, sorry. i totally meant to get my car totaled. that was all planned. anytime i mention needing something, he says "well, i bought you a car and you destroyed it, so you don't deserve anything else." nice. did i mention that he STILL talks about my engagement ring as the nice gift he bought me that i need to be grateful for? he bought me that almost 7 years ago. get the fuck over it.

at least my cats like me and don't say stupid things to piss me off.