i've been sort of blue since yesterday after my doctor's appointment and i just can't shake the feeling. first, i have to say, i love love love my new doctor's office. i have been meeting with a fantastic midwife for the past few visits and i am definitely going to have her do my delivery.

anyhow, as part of my appointment yesterday we talked about my relationship with my mother and while the conversation went well, it was a bit saddening to talk about how she has never been a real mother to me. my midwife was concerned for me as the whole birthing process is quite emotional, as well as totally physical. i assured her that i have a very strong girlfriend support system, but i did agree that i was saddened that i would not have anyone who fills that motherly role.

i know that mentally i am quite a strong girl, but i am not invincible. and while i try to hide it, it really does bother me deep down that i have never had a motherly figure in my life. actually, it bothers me a lot. i have some great friends who have wonderful mothers, like sally and jacarandabush, and i always enjoy being around their mothers. even their fathers are great.

things have gotten increasingly harder for me that my parents are so out of touch with reality and with me. in the past i have done so much to include them, but they just don't seem to care. what bothers me even more is the fact that they adopted me, so you would think that they would just have this outpouring of love to give. but they don't. at the start of last year, i even wrote my mother a long letter, explaining how i was feeling and she never responded. she didn't even acknowledge that she received the letter, though i know she did.

even when i was a child, there was nothing warm and loving about them. they never attended any of my events unless it was orchestra. they didn't attend gymnastics, swimming or cheerleading events. they didn't read the school newspaper when i had an article published. my mother didn't even see the point in going to my college graduation as she didn't feel it was that big of a deal, even though no one else in my family has ever gone. she couldn't understand why my mil (before she was even my mil) wanted to throw me a graduation party. she also told me around the time i was in my early 20's that no one celebrated birthdays anymore and that i couldn't have people over when it was my birthday. and if people did come over, she told them not to bring me gifts.

the longer i'm away from them, the more strength i have. but, it also tends to make me more meloncholy when i give myself time to think about it as well. i know i will never change them. i had hoped things would change once i became pregnant, but nothing has changed. they don't even want to come up when i go into labor. i know i just need to be strong and move on with things, but it still hurts and makes me feel alone.


  1. WendyB said...
    Sally said...
    I don't know why everyone has a different kind of relationship w/ their families, and I don't have a stinkin' clue why your mom acts the way she does...but I can't wait til you can form a strong, healthy bond with your new little girl. You will be an even better mom to her for all that you've been through!
    Anonymous said...
    no one and nothing can make, you feel alone or marginalized except you, grasshopper. we've had this talk many times and i feel your pain 100%.

    the way out is to focus on the things in your life that are good and valuable and worthwhile and pour all your life energy into those things, and leave behind that which does nto help you or attempts to harm you.

    this is obviously not so easy to do with an adoptive parent as it would be for, say, a boy band. but the lord's honest truth is that you must do it. in three months little miss peanut arrives and she will need lots and lots of attention and energy. if you are pouring some of that energy out into the street trying to make peace with mom and dad who long ago made their true feelings for you quite clear, then thats energy you wont have for yourself and the LP individual.

    dont ever forget that when you are on your game, you are unstoppable. but truth be told you sometimes veer off the road into the bad places. thats understandable of course, but it doesnt help you get around the track of life any safer or faster. Run YOUR race, not someone else's. Be who YOU are, not who soneone wants you to be. you owe that much not only to yourself, but to the Peanut and everyone in the world who DOES luv you.

    shell said...
    thanks wendy! i need one.

    and sally, i have no idea either why either of them act the way they do, but it certainly is bizarre.

    oh, doc. i think you totally missed the point. i'm not trying to be anything but myself. and i'm certainly over trying to change my parents or make them love me more or show me any affection. i'm simply stating that i'm saddened by the fact that they have never been there for me and this is one of those times when i need love and support the most. i'm not dwelling on it or anything, but there are times that it gets to me, which is totally normal. i have resigned myself to the fact that they will not change, nor will i try to make them. and while i have an excellent group of friends, you included, it's tough doing everything on my own without family to support me. yes, i know i need to get over it. but really? it's just not that simple.

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