skybluepink

last night i went over to fleurgirl's house for some girl time. there was wine and snacks and a few girls i didn't know. as soon as i got there fleurgirl grabbed a cup and made me a cup of coffee. it was such a kind gesture. no one even blinked an eye that i didn't drink the booze as fleurgirl handed me the coffee. it was a really nice evening, but i felt like i was trying too hard to get the girls to like me. i always had some witty comment to say and noticed i was often bringing the conversation around to me. i even pointed out that i could be fun without drinking booze. i don't know if anyone else noticed, but i sure did, and i didn't like myself very much by the time i left. i just felt like i was trying too hard to get the girls to like me. i really did have a good time, but i just don't know why i act like that sometimes. it must be my insecurity about people really liking me. and accepting me for who i am. and liking me even though i don't drink. i've always been insecure about people liking me. i don't know why ~ i have had friends that have stuck by me for years, so it's not like i'm constantly changing friends. sometimes i just listen to the voices in my mind too much. so much self doubt exists there and i just don't understand why.

well, while i was driving back home last night, i was so deep in thought about all these things that i completly missed my turn and ended up about 20 miles out of the way. then i had to back track, not really knowing where i was going and ended up making a huge loop. so, instead of a trip that should have taken me about 35 minutes, my trip took about an hour! what makes it tough around here is that most of the roads here are small country roads without lights or signals, so it's very easy to miss a turn. even the highways don't have bright lights like in the city. but, i made it home without any real problems, and surprisingly, i was very calm. luckily i had my ipod with good tunes to keep me going.

i had made a few rude comments last night that made me annoyed with myself as well. i know i don't like everyone, but i don't have to come out and say so. one of the girls was talking about her life coach lessens and how it was helping her. i then had to comment on the life coach person. it was so rude of me! i think it is fantastic that my friend is going to a life coach. i think the right one can be very benifical and helpful. but i had to personally attack the coach, which i have absolutely no place to do. i felt really bad when i left. sometimes i just can't get the foot out of my mouth once i have inserted it.